Episode 16: The Runyan

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Episode 16: The Runyan

**Opens to acoustic version of Neil Young’s Don’t Let it Bring You Down**

Yuri: So familiar, yet I’m sure I haven’t heard it before… it should fit right in with the rest of the classic rock canon that the Lurflings love so much.

Guri: You think so? I was just letting it all out in there… you know, not thinking about it, just letting it flow…

Yuri: Well that’s the secret, or so they say. Speaking of secrets, what were you and Shipward whispering about before you left the bridge a few minutes ago?

Guri: What’s that? Oh nothing… we were just brainstorming a scheme to perhaps establish contact with our new owner… the little Lurfling that the larger hummus beans keep referring to as a Runyan. Do you think this Runyan is a hummus bean too? He’s so much more pleasing to the eyes, I find it hard to believe he’s just a young hummus bean.

Yuri: Yes, me too. He’s so much less hideous than the hummus beans… he’s much rounder in form, which is more pleasing, as you say. He has bigger eyes which makes up for his only having two of them… his head is larger in proportion to his body, which makes up for his having only one head…

Guri: Yes, what a cruel fate if he were to grow up to be as repulsive as his progenitors.

Yuri: Ah, well the fates, as you know, are nothing if not cruel. But getting back to you and Shipward coming up with a plan to contact Runyan… don’t you think that I, as your Captain, should be involved in such a “rap session”, to use the local lingo?

Guri: Well, we weren’t rapping, although I have been known to “spit some rhymes” when spewing Fantasia… which happens more often than I’d like. But, Captain, we may have excluded you figuring that you would likely follow Meeporpian protocol, which would involve sending a series of embroideries, and…

Yuri: Guri, Guri, Guri…

Guri: Are you addressing all three of my heads? You must be disappointed.

Yuri: Yes, I am. I thought you might think more highly of your captain, who has guided you successfully through 12 missions and kept you alive on the 13th mission thus far. Besides, as we are currently awaiting the outcome of our appeal -- which has yet to be filed, remind me to check in with Shipward about that -- we are currently free of the Meeporpian space command protocols and requirements… we can “freelance” as they say and go completely off book!! Off script!! We can just make it up as we go!! All those ideas we’ve had but never could try… they’re fair game now… all those brilliant schemes…

Guri: Yes… it’s quite liberating, isn’t it?

Yuri: It is!! It’s liberating… that’s just the word I was looking for! I’ve never felt so free!!

Guri: Is that what you feel?

Yuri: Yes. It is. I... I can finally… let my creative self loose… and, um...

Guri: You’re schluffing, Captain. Schluff is pouring off of your many brows…

Yuri: *gasping* I’ve never felt so lost, Guri!! Help me!!

Guri: Yes, so that’s what Shipward and I were doing… anticipating this very moment, our Captain… rudderless and adrift… and preparing some ideas. Shipward, do you want to pull up plans A thru D on the holo-projector here?

Shipward: Sure thing.

Yuri: Oh thank goodness!! But before we get into these ideas, I should really welcome our listeners to what is the 16th episode -- can you believe it? Our little podcast is growing up -- yes, it’s the sweet 16th episode of Greetings Lurflings, the podcast of the stars and more recently of this little nondescript rock orbiting a tiny star in a backwater area of the universe where few have dared to venture. I am your fearless and peerless Captain, Yuri Ne'er Do Well. And this evil genius to my left, my copilot and second in command, he of the frazzled frontal lobes, is Guri Tenterhooks. I must say, I’m always surprised by the new last names the writers come up with for us, Guri… any idea why they chose Tenterhooks for you?

Guri: Well, I come from a long line of Tenterhooks... my great, great, but not-so-great if you ask around, grandfather, who was a blast of solar radiation from Rom 6, invented the tenterhook on a brief visit to Lurf perhaps 200 Lurfian solar trips ago… amassing a small family fortune for his heirs… very small… enough to pay for my Space Academy training… exam. It paid for just the entrance exam. Then, as you know, I had to work in retail, as we’ve previously established, to pay my way through school… but this is all far more uninteresting detail than anyone wanted to hear as part of an introduction, especially for a made-up name that will be changed by the next episode.

Yuri: Yes, as Meeporpians we don’t actually have last names… just a first name and series of ever-more-humiliating nicknames as we progress in age and through universal society. But let’s not get into that right now… it’s hardly important for our current plot line, which I believe we should return to presently. Shipward, would you mind talking us through your and Guri’s plans to establish contact with The Runyan?

Shipward: Yes, Captain, if I can draw your attention to the holo-projection here… oh wait…

Yuri: Oh my… she is attractive!!!

Guri: Yowzers!!!

Shipward: Sorry, I was displaying a bit of my pornographic memory there of the old ship’s computer files…

Yuri: I can see why it’s so memorable!! Although I thought you were more into machines, Shipward.

Shipward: I don’t discriminate, Captain.

Guri: I wouldn’t mind taking a byte out of those bits!!

Yuri: What?

Guri: Sorry… I was trying to make a racy data joke. That was “byte” spelled with a “y”... and bits… like…

Yuri: *scoffs* Another joke that only works on paper. This is a podcast, Guri! Or should I be addressing the writers?

Shipward: Ok, guys, I’ve got the correct holo-projection deck now. This is Plan A, although I should stress we have not ranked these plans in order of expected effectiveness or efficiency. Perhaps that will be a good exercise to engage in following this presentation.

Guri: Um, just one question: Will we be ranking them for effectiveness and efficiency combined, or for effectiveness -- one ranking -- and then efficiency as a separate ranking? I just want to make sure I take notes appropriately.

Yuri: How about if I proton blast all of your notes at the end… then it won’t matter what you write down!

Guri: Such hostility, Captain! I’m just trying to be diligent here. I mean one idea could be highly effective, but very inefficient-

Yuri: Please, Shipward, ignore the ignoramus to my left and proceed.

Shipward: Plan A involves hypnosis. We will flash our external lights in a soothing pattern as The Runyan is drifting off to sleep. Then when he is in a state of lucid dreaming, we activate the external loudspeaker with our translator plugin, introduce ourselves, explain that we are the rightful owners of this spaceship and ask him to open his window so that we may escape.

Yuri: Hmm… sort of a high risk, high reward endeavor. I know there’s an expression about stealing candy from a baby, but I think stealing a new toy from a small child could be a different thing altogether.

Shipward: Understood, and I tend to concur.

Guri: Are we going to be ranking these plans by risk level too? Let me add a column here…

Yuri: *sigh* What’s the next plan, Shipward?

Shipward: Plan B involves boat cooking… we gather all of the ingredients for Guri’s favorite meal -- Rotted Goat A La Mar -- place them in an old boat, push it out to sea, and then extract everything The Runyan knows using our experimental brain scope.

Guri: Mmm, I like this plan.

Yuri: Ok, first of all, the boat cooking seems to have nothing to do with the real meat of the plan-

Guri: Au contraire, Captain… the real meat of the plan will be in the boat… the rotting goat…

Shipward: Guri was very hungry when we were coming up with this plan.

Yuri: I see. But more importantly, I didn’t know we had an experimental brain scope that could be used on Lurflings. Where is it?

Guri: Well, it’s still a prototype, Captain. You see, I took this common vacuum toilet plunger, and we would then attach the hose to Shipweena’s data entry port-

Shipward: I’ll do the attaching to the entry port… I know how to push Shipweena’s buttons, if you know what I mean.

Yuri: Yes, we know all too well what you mean.

Guri: And then we place the plungy part on The Runyan’s one large head, perhaps on one of the openings on either side, and-

Yuri: Yes, I would categorize this plan as “high risk, no reward,” as we’d likely only succeed in causing some sort of injury to the young Lurfling and obtain zero information.

Guri: But our stomachs would be full, so we should keep that in mind. I’m going to mark this one down as highly effective…

Yuri: What’s the next plan, please?

Shipward: Plan C… again these are in no particular order…

Yuri: Yes, that’s been established.

Shipward: Plan C involves sending Guri out with a sturdy rope when the Runyan is sleeping-

Guri: Hey, I didn’t volunteer for this mission! I said it could be any one of us-

Shipward: But we all know it would be Guri who will approach the slightly open mouth of the snoring Lurfling and fasten one end of the rope around one of its front teeth. He will then attach the other end of the rope to the closet doorknob, which we will then use the ship’s engines in hair dryer mode to slam closed. The rope should extract the Lurfling’s tooth so quickly as to minimize the pain and disruption to the Runyan’s slumber.

Yuri: This sounds very high risk indeed. And what do we want with the Runyan’s tooth?

Guri: Oh boy, do we have to spell everything out, Captain? Clearly we will implant a speaker in the tooth...

Yuri: Oo… a bluetooth speaker?

Guri: I see what you did there.

Shipward: Yes, a wireless speaker will be implanted in the tooth and the tooth will be replaced in The Runyan’s mouth with some intergalactic superglue, and thus we will be able to communicate with the young Lurfling when he wakes up.

Yuri: I like where that plan ended up -- but I do worry about the tooth extraction part, which sounds very high risk indeed.

Guri: I thought we were going to rank these plans by effectiveness and efficiency, but we keep talking about risk…

Yuri: Couldn’t we implant the speaker without removing the tooth?

Shipward: If I had all of my dental tools back on Toshiba, perhaps.

Guri: Dental tools… I thought you were a gym teacher.

Shipward: I was studying to be a dentist. But my point was, we haven’t fully tested our speaker technology with a live, Lurfling tooth. My assumption is that it will work better on a dead tooth.

Yuri: So not only do we need to extract the tooth, but we need to kill it?

Guri: Senseless toothicide!! You know I belong to a Toothicide Prevention Society…

Announcer Voice (Paul): At this point in the program, we are required by law to state that if you or anyone you know is considering toothicide, please call the Nathional Toothicide Preventhun hothline, at thoo thoo thoo, thwenthy seven, three thoo three thoo. That’s thoo thoo thoo, thwenthy seven, three thoo three thoo. And now we rethurn… I mean, return to Grrrreeetings Earthlings….

Shipward: My girlfriend in college attempted toothicide once… it’s no laughing matter.

Guri: I’ll invite you to our next Society meeting, Shipward. Good snacks. Lots of sweets.

Yuri: How do we kill a tooth anyway? By hanging?

Shipward: Usually the process of extracting it and severing it from its roots will lead to its death. Although there have been known to be certain zombie teeth, as I believe they are called, who return to some semblance of life once placed back in the mouth or if, perchance, they are cast in a major network sitcom.

Guri: Oh, like Chevy Chase in Community?

Yuri: Are we aware of Lurfian television shows as well? I thought it was just the movies…

Guri: I did a little extra research on our trip to Lurf.

Yuri: Ok, well, is there one more plan to review?

Shipward: Yes, and last but not least, as I have stressed these are in no particular order, is Plan D, which involves turning up our external loudspeakers all the way as loud as they can go and seeing if our translated communications are audible to The Runyan.

Yuri: What? If it might be that simple, how was this not Plan A?

Shipward: I said these were being presented in no particular order.

Yuri: But we just waded through three very risky plans and just as many pages of the script here, when-

Shipward: Turning our external speaker volume all the way up could distort the transmission or, worse, blow the speaker.

Guri: And it would be very loud for us, Captain. It might hurt our 42 ears. As you know we have a few less tentacles than we have ears, so it’s very difficult for us to cover all of our ears at once…

Yuri: It’s a blessing and a curse, our super-hearing. Still, we could turn off the internal speakers as we blast the external speaker and we should be able to bear the noise when we are safely inside the ship. I don’t understand why we didn’t start and stop with this plan!

Guri: Are you saying we are not going to rank the plans now by effectiveness, efficiency, and risk?

Shipward: I can enter everyone’s scores into a spreadsheet here-

Yuri: No, you fools, we are going with Plan D!! It’s obvious that is our best plan, as much as I’d like to send Guri out to extract and slay a Lurfian tooth.

Guri: I hadn’t volunteered to do that… but I think you’re right, Captain. Let’s-... oh no… look, I think I see some movement outside the starboard window there!

Shipward: The Runyan has awoken.

Yuri: I see we’ve settled on our plan just in time. Shipward, activate the loudspeaker, and mute the internal speakers when we are talking if you can…

Shipward: My eye, Captain.

Yuri: What? Have you hurt your eye? What bad timing-

Shipward: No, my eye’s fine… you and Guri told me last episode that was how I should acknowledge commands on a Meeporpian spaceship-

*Yuri and Guri giggling*

Shipward: Instead of “aye aye”... you said to say, “my eye”, so-

Yuri: *regaining composure* Oh yes, of course. I’m sorry, I thought you said “Me eye” as in “I’ve stabbed me eye, Captain!” and so that’s why I became concerned… but yes, “my eye, Captain” is what you should say... so I’m glad we cleared that up.

Guri: Captain, the Runyan is approaching! If he picks us up again I might immediately Fantasia...

Yuri: Strap yourselves in and do not panic.

Shipweena (Eric): Proximity alert!! Large, unidentified being approaching!!

Shipward: Oh ho… don’t you know it, honey!

Yuri: Oh no. Shipward!! This is not the time nor the face for this type of behavior! Don’t you remember our little HR talk last episode??

Guri: I think it’s “time or place”, Captain… “time or face” makes no sense…

Yuri: Nothing makes sense here on Lurf!! But we cannot afford to have Shipward distracted at this crucial moment. Guri, go see if Manuel Override can temporarily shut down Shipweena.

Guri: It’s time for his siesta… but… okay, yes, I’ll wake him.

Shipward: Where are you hiding this time, you little fox?!

Yuri: What sort of crew is this?! Once again… I’m surrounded by idiots. Or actually now I’m surrounded by no one… the bridge is deserted… and The Runyan is approaching!

*Loud boom of footsteps*

Yuri: Oh sweet Galaga’s Gulch! I need somebody’s help here. Timmy?!

Timmy (Eric): Whaaaat??

Yuri: Oh nevermind. I need to do this myself. Let’s see where are the loudspeaker controls?

**DREAMWEAVER**

**Dreamweaver begins playing over speaker (someone have this cued up on phone)**

Yuri: No, no… cut the music… that’s not what I want… wait, or is that Guri in the bathroom?? Guri, what are you doing??

Guri: Sorrrryyy!! I had to go.

Yuri: Did you wake up Manuel?

Guri: I did… there was a bit of a language issue. I don’t speak Spanish.

Yuri: You don’t speak 2 million different languages in the universe!! Didn’t you have your translator??

Guri: I left it on the bridge.

Yuri: You’re demoted!!! What is your current rank?!

Guri: We’re disbarred from Meeporpian command, remember?

Yuri: Well as soon as we are re-instated I will be recommending an immediate demotion! You’ll be lucky to be head desk clerk by the time all of my embroideries are filed! Oh goodness… I see the eye of the Runyan outside our window. He is here. Ok, I’ll handle this myself. Now, I believe the loudspeaker function is on and I should be able to establish contact through this microphone… hello, testing, hello? Can you hear me? This is Captain Yuri of the-

Runyan (Eric): Glooby??

Yuri: What? Glooby? No, hello, Runyan… my name is Yuri.

Runyan: Hi, Glooby… Glooby!

Yuri: No, no… it’s Yoo-ree. Not Glooby. Yuri.

Runyan: Glooby fly in space…

Yuri: Oh no… hold on, everyone!!

Guri (in distance): Ahhhhhhh!!!!

Yuri: Runyan, can you hear me? Please put us down.

Runyan: Glooby zoom to Star 9 -- fights the bad guys!

Yuri: Star 9… why yes, Runyan… we’ve been there before. How do you know about Star 9?

Runyan: Take me to your leader!

Yuri: What? Oh, Runyan, our leader is very hard to meet, and very hard to see… he inhabits a special crystal…

Runyan: No, Glooby say, “take me to your leader” to bad guys!!

Yuri: Oh, I see, are we playing a game? You are playing a game with my ship!

Runyan: My spaceship! Glooby my toy!

Yuri: I am not your toy, Runyan, let’s be clear.

Runyan: Say, “take me to your leader!” Say it!

Yuri: *sigh* Very well… I will play along in your game for now, Runyan.

Runyan: Say it!

Yuri: *ahem* “Bad guys, take me to your leader!”

Runyan: Ok, you asked for it… you will face the mighty Gorgon Zola… in fight to death! Now fire lasers!! *byooo byoo byooo!*

Yuri: That is not the sound lasers make, Runyan. Plus we have a fully functional soup cannon here.

Runyan: Soup!! *giggles* Soupy Glooby!! Soupy Glooby!!

Runyan’s Father (Jeff): Runyan!! It’s time to go to school! Come downstairs now!”

Runyan: Awwwwww… no!! I’m playing!!

Runyan’s Father: Now, Runyan. We’re late!!

Runyan: Ok… Ok, I have to go. But you stay right here. Bye, Glooby!! Don’t die!!

Yuri: Bye, Runyan.

*pause*

Guri: What did I miss?

Yuri: What did you miss?? You fool! You just missed our first contact with Runyan, who somehow knows about Star 9.

Guri: What? But how would he? That’s impossible. He’s a tiny hummus bean who has never left this planet.

Yuri: Well he said Star 9. He said it very clearly.

Guri: It could’ve been a lucky guess.

Yuri: Perhaps. At first I thought he was just playing a game, using us as a toy. But then he made me say, “Take me to your leader” to the bad guys-

Guri: Oh you didn’t. Have you no shame, Captain?

Yuri: Give me a break, Guri, I was just playing along with a child’s game! But then he said I would have to face the infamous Gorgon scourge of universe, Gorgon Zola.

Guri: Gorgon Zola?! Oh but surely he will kill you, in less than one micro-karflugon! You don’t stand a chance!

Yuri: Well thank you, Guri, for that vote of confidence. But I do think this is still just part of little Runyan’s game. We are not actually going to have to face Gorgon Zola.

Guri: Are you sure? Can we be sure of this? Because if not, I will be hiding in the cargo hold until the danger has passed.

Yuri: So brave of you, Guri.

Guri: But how would he know about the Gorgons and Star 9? Perhaps The Runyan is not a little hummus bean after all?

Yuri: I don’t know, Guri. It’s a mystery.

Guri: Well perhaps we shouldn’t wait around here to find out. Are we not free to leave this hummus bean domicile? Let’s just blast out of here.

Yuri: Well, The Runyan did tell me to wait here. I feel like there could be much we could learn from this creature.

Guri: What are you saying, Captain?? Suddenly you think we can learn something from these primitive Lurfians? Have you lost your minds?

Yuri: Besides all our systems seem to be offline again… Shipward’s doing, no doubt.

Guri: Curse you, Shipward!! Instead of two ship’s computers we have zero, as they keep cancelling each other out, as it were.

Shipward: She certainly did cancel me out today… I am beat!! I’ll see you guys in the morning.

Yuri: Oh, that’s just great, Shipward! Thanks for stopping by!!

Guri: Really, Shipward!! Keep it in your tunic for once, couldn’t you??

Yuri: No, but Guri, I do think we should stay here and see what additional information we can glean from The Runyan. Perhaps he will reveal a weakness of the Gorgon ruler, which we can exploit once we return to Meeporpian Command… and we will be celebrated as heroes!!

Guri: Everyone does love a good comeback story.

Yuri: Yes, and then we can throw it in the faces of Xranos the Toothless and those disciplinary goons who stripped us of our rank…

Guri: … and of our favorite socks.

Yuri: Right… although we don’t have feet, so I’m not sure why-

Guri: Well, right, I suppose “tentacle warmers” would be the more correct term, but it’s just easier to say “socks.” Anyway, we’ll have to stop at Socks To Be You, the interstellar sock outlet mall on Tiberion 4, first chance we get.

Yuri: Yes, there’s a lot of things we need to do, first chance we get. But I see the blinking red light here means we are overdue from a word from our sponsor and the other silly segments we are contractually obligated to offer during these podcasts. I apologize in advance, fair listeners, for the remaining content, which tends to be far less interesting than our ongoing adventures here on Lurf -- but then again, you never know, maybe those morons sponsoring us will find a way to become more relevant to our storyline, and maybe you’ll find some useful information or nuggets of wisdom in our movie reviews, cooking recipes, or it looks like we have a weather post-cast coming up, which should prove useful. So stay tuned, for more scintillating content on Greetings Lurflings, the podcast that dares to be different. What? How are we being different? I mean everything by nature is different from something else, otherwise it would be exactly the same thing, which would be very hard to pull off, an exact duplicate of another podcast… so how does one “dare to be different”? You are different by necessity, by default. There’s nothing daring in that… it’s quite unassuming actually… possibly meek… we could be meek and different as well…

**end of segment music**

C.C.’s House of Saws Ad #20210402

C.C: Well… that there was quite a walk home!! Thanks for leaving me in a cloud of dust back outside the toy store, boys.

Dennis: Don’t mention it.

Hank: You’re welcome.

C.C.: No, really, I had ample time for self-reflection… and I don’t mean inwardly-focused thought, I mean staring at my reflection in a little pool of water in a babbling brook off of the side of the road. The brook babbled. I babbled. There was a lot of babbling.

Dennis: I can picture it quite clearly.

C.C.: Yes, and one thing I saw quite clearly in that reflection staring back at me… do you know what I saw? I saw some dishevelment, sure, some possible signs of disease, that’s a given, some borderline insanity, granted… but you know what else I saw? Fortitude. Perseverance. Rugged individualism. My friends, I saw the visage of our late, great president Teddy Roosevelt staring back up at me.

Hank: I’ve heard of having an inflated sense of self or delusions of grandeur, but this is-

C.C.: This is who I am, Hank. And it’s who all of us are or need to be if we’re going to be entrepreneurs. There hain’t nothing more difficult in this world, I daresay, than being an entrepreneur.

Hank: What about overcoming disease or disability or poverty?

C.C.: Child’s play, Hank, compared to conceiving of and implementing a business and marketing plan!! Take you, for example, Hank… when did you first decide to go into the wholesale hole business?

Hank: Well, you know, C.C., on the ride home Dennis and I were just discussing how the whole hole business was leaving something to be desired, and I have been thinking for some time of expanding the business model and getting into wrenches.

C.C.: Wrenches??

Dennis: There’s a real market out there for wrenches, boys -- I know this from talking to our customers who come here for drills and saws. Many times those customers are not looking for holes -- I mean they can make holes with the drills and saws we sell them -- but they do need wrenches. Socket wrenches, pipe wrenches, torque wrenches, adjustable spanners, straight jaw tongue and groove wrenches, monkey wrenches, sea monkey wrenches, heart wrenches…

Hank: Wrenches for pipes, wrenches of all types, there are just a lot more possibilities here, C.C.

C.C.: So you’re saying you want to expand our product base and the name on our sign, which is already a mouthful to say, to C.C.’s and Dennis’s and Hank’s House of Saws, Drills, Holes and Wrenches?

Hank: We were thinking we might drop the whole hole business altogether.

C.C.: Cut out the holes?? But why? Where am I going to get holes for that miniature golf course I want to build someday?

Hank: The liability insurance that I’m required to carry for selling black holes is astronomical, C.C., you wouldn’t believe it. And besides, all it takes is one overly-curious customer to activate one of those suckers and then this entire planet gets sucked out of existence.

C.C.: And you’re worried about liability if that happens, Hank? Who exactly would be coming to you for reparations, were such an event to occur?

Hank: Well, I imagine there’s some sort of a higher power to answer to… I mean… there’s gotta be.

C.C.: Does there though? If there’s a higher power exacting its influence on life as we know it on this here third rock from the sun, I’ve yet to see ANY evidence of it. No, if anything, we seem to be stranded and left to our own woefully inadequate devices here. I mean if there was any sort of meaning or purpose in this life, I have never seen hide nor hair, not one sign-

Sheila (Jeff): C.C.?

C.C.: *gasp* Sheila???

Sheila: How are you doing, C.C.?

C.C.: Sheila, is it really you?? Have you really come back to me??

Sheila: Well… possibly.

C.C.: That is not a “no”!! Did you hear that, compadres?!?! What a day this is turning out to be!! Oh, Sheila, you’ve returned to me just in time! I was beginning to doubt my own abilities as an entrepreneur and, dare I say, as a man. Why just earlier today I tried to say something nice to a salesgirl-

Hank: Um, C.C., you might want to focus on your apology to Sheila.

C.C.: Oh right, that’s right… I do owe you something of an apology, Sheila, truth be told. As the good Lord knows, who is always up there smiling down upon us, I have stumbled from time to time along this bumpy road that is our marriage… but sometimes it’s not the bumps in the road causing our carriage to jostle around back and forth, ain’t that right, sugar toots??

Sheila: *bashful* Oh, C.C…

C.C.: You know what they say about when the house is a rocking… don’t you come a-knocking, unless that is you’ve brought an assortment of marital aids and a willingness to try new things. But really, Sheila, can I be Frank with you? And by Frank I mean that burly milkman you always had a thing for… no, but surely, Sheila, how is your sister, Shirley, and when could you invite her over… no, I’m sorry, Sheila, I’m just so excited you’re back.

Dennis: Perhaps you should get around to that apology, C.C., and not jump right back into your old ways?

C.C.: Dennis is right, he is a veritable soothsayer! Sheila, I have done you wrong and that makes me wrong, and for that I am truly sorry. Can you find it in your parts, I mean, in your heart to forgive me? Sweet Sheila?

Sheila: Hmmm… well… while I may soon regret this… as in very soon… okay, C.C. I forgive you. But no more shenanigans, you promise?

C.C.: Cross my heart and hope to die, Sheila!! And that’s not just what I do each morning before I go to work… I mean it, I’m turning over a new leaf. But first I’d like to turn you over, if you know what I mean, if I could just see you for a minute, in the ole Winnebago…

*giggling from C.C. and Sheila*

Hank: We’ll uh just mind the store for you, C.C., and by the way it did turn out okay with that acting student with the head wound who we left in charge…

Dennis: Yeah it turned out to be a combination of stage make-up and an actual saw blade that did get partially lodged in his scalp… a case of fiction meeting reality when he got a little too close to the table saw while acting out a workplace accident… but as you predicted, our sales doubled in the afternoon following that incident. It turns out not all of your harebrained schemes are so harebrained after all.

Hank: Isn’t it hair-brained, h-a-i-r?

Dennis: No, it’s harebrained as in the brain of a hare, the animal.

Hank: Oh… I thought it was like the size of a strand of hair’s brain, if a strand of hair had a brain.

Dennis: Well hair doesn’t have a brain, so that makes no sense, Hank. You have to use your own brain when you’re thinking about these things.

Hank: That’s right, sometimes I forget… being in the hole business, sometimes things slip right out of the ole noggin’...

Dennis: Well that doesn’t make much sense either. What’s with the recording crew here? What are you guys doing?

Ron (Eric): C.C. has us recording all of this for the next commercial. Don’t mind us.

Dennis: Well, that’s a wrap, boys. I think you got enough material for today.

Ron: Oh ok. Stop rolling, boys. Check the levels. Did we get it? Ok.

Dennis: I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to this flea circus.

Hank: Is the flea circus in town?? Where?

*end of segment music*

Meeporpian Weather Post-Cast

Yuri: Welcome back, everyone, from another thrilling update to our sponsor’s storyline… I’m not sure why they couldn’t just tell us what they’re selling, where they are located, and be done with it…

Guri: It is very confusing. It’s not much like a commercial at all anymore, aside from the fact that they do occasionally mention the items they sell in their store, or roadside tent, or whatever…

Shipward: And someone needs to explain to them the concept of a hardware store, where they might offer many different types of tools all at once.

Guri: Well they’re very slowly getting there, aren’t they, with Hank’s new interest in selling wrenches? They are moving in the right direction at least.

Shipward: Have they never seen a Home Depot?? How could they miss these stores? They are bright orange!!

Yuri: Yes, well, I’m afraid their heads might explode if these fools were ever to come across one of those. But we have a new segment here on the podcast that I’m very excited about, something I think all of our listeners here on Lurf but also across the universe will find useful, and that is our Meeporpian Weather Post-Cast. Yes, you see anyone can make some wild guesses and try to forecast the weather, but it takes a firm grasp of reality and recent history to accurately relate the weather that just occurred in a location near you. So, Guri, do you want to start us off with the weather we experienced this past week on Meeporp?

Guri: Sure, Yuri, and thank you, and might I say that’s a nice selection of tentacle warmers you’ve chosen for yourself?

Yuri: Oh, these old things? Well, as you know my favorite ones were confiscated by the goon squad, but I was able to fashion these out of some socks we stole from some hummus bean dryers…

Shipward: Please don’t mention dryers in front of me. I’m not completely over Martha.

Yuri: Oh that’s right. I’m so sorry, Shipward.

Guri: Anyway, on Meeporp we had quite a busy week meteorologically-speaking… with hot lava raining down in bursts over the Shermerwood Forests, and wombat soup spewing from the volcanoes just east of the Capital City of WhatsitNow. That was this past Monday.

Yuri: Oh wow, well I hope things got better from there.

Guri: They didn’t, Yuri. On Tuesday, a giant chasm opened up along Highway 12 between HockyMock and Gangrenadine, swallowing up the entire town of BuildHereAnyway.

Yuri: Didn’t they know not to build a town on top of that major fault line?

Guri: Well, the surveyors said one thing, the geologists said another, and in the end the Meeporpian pioneers decided to build there anyway, as the town name suggested.

Shipward: It sort of makes you wonder, whose fault is it?

Guri: It was the Vundergap Fault, quite well-known to Meeporpians.

Yuri: Oh I see, Shipward, was trying to make a joke. Very good, Shipward, your AI programming is always learning, always trying new things…

Guri: Remember, he’s not a computer, Captain. But anyway, on Wednesday there was a bit of relief on Meeporp with just some occasional spotty showers of screaming banshees in the hills outside of Glamrock.

Yuri: So the most eventful weather occurred earlier in the week then-

Guri: Not quite. On Thursday all hell broke loose with lava, hot gas, and winged demons emanating from the core of Meeporp through the many fissures and faults that riddle our asteroid. As you know, every 17 karflugons, the demons awake from their slumber and torment the Meeporpians with their barbed stingers and their ill-conceived comic stylings. They tell bad jokes and then sting you repeatedly whether you laugh or not.

Yuri: Hell indeed.

Guri: Yes, and this persisted well into Friday before the fissures closed up and the demons were finally overcome by drowning in puddles of their own flop sweat.

Shipward: I’ve been there before. There was a virtual open-mic night on the Lurfian interweb a few nights ago when I tested out some of my own jokes that I’ve been writing… and I didn’t get very far before my sweat short-circuited the console, providing me with quite the electronic jolt in the process…

Yuri: Well I hope you learned your lesson, Shipward, which is to leave the humor to us.

Shipward: Oh, I did, although I gotta say, I did catch the bug a little bit so I can’t say I won’t return to it at some point…

Yuri: I pray that will not be in our presence. But anyway, Guri, does that wrap up the weather post-cast from Meeporp?

Guri: Pretty much. Yesterday was rather uneventful with just a slight breeze of ineptitude out of the East. The full moon caused an extra high soup tide, which hopefully didn’t catch our boat cookers by surprise.

Yuri: Thank you, Guri. Perhaps next time, we’ll provide the weather post-cast for your neck of the universe! As always, you can count on our post-casts to be nearly 100% accurate, give or take a few percentage points for weather that is open to interpretation, of course. Hopefully you find this segment a worthwhile addition to the podcast and a useful public service.

Shipward: I found it very useful, personally.

Yuri: Shut up, Shipward! Please don’t practice your comedy here.

Shipward: I was being serious…

*end of segment music*

(in which we learn some of ’s backstory… once upon a time, he was found at the beginning… )

Episode 17: Appeal filed, play with Runyan and brother, kids playing/messing with them, kids very excited that spaceship talks, then Farit comes to explain everything, but Gorgon Zola

Episode 18: Gorgon Zola is a mobster and demands 80% of their mining take

They get reinstated by the Meeporp council. But they must appear on the Judgie Awards — the gameshow to determine the best judge.

The Judgie Awards have rules so complicated that no one can understand them. THere can be a separate panel of judges to judge the judges.

Hosted by Pat Flapjack — an alien, talking pancake

And Notso Bright — who can’t understand any of the requests from Flapjack.

“Who are contestants, Notso?”

“Hi!!!” I’m Notso Bright!”

“Yes, and can you introduce everyone here today?”

“Yes, me too!”

There should be an epic battle between Gorgon Zola and Lurfians

And Meeporp should inadvertently save the planet

There should be a valiant effort by Yuri, Guri, and SHipward to save the planet, but they fail . . .

Until Guri remembers Hank’s one blackhole that he’s been paying exorbitant insurance on for the last 45 years. And they come up with a plan to use that to destroy Gorgon Zola

WHich also almost fails, except CC gives his life to lure Gorgon into the black hole and they both get sucked into infinite mass.

And sheila is unbelievably despondent and keeps crying hysterically. . .until CC miraculously appears at the end

Timmy should die before the battle even starts

The battle should be something really stupid. The ultimate weapon. Chunky Hearty soup — tastes like a soup. Eats like a hydrogen bomb.

More plot line on mining

Farrit needs to be more of a character

They still don’t know their mission

What type of government is on Meeporp?

Bureaucracy

Voice actors should get involved

podcast, Season_OneYuriApril 6, 2021