Episode 17: Child's Play

Check out the alternate version of this episode in Techni-Text™ below:

Episode 17: Child’s Play?

Opens to Babe I’m Gonna Leave You on acoustic guitar

Yuri: Yes, and it’s best to leave that one behind… your behind in particular… and to flush that one away…

Guri: Oh you didn’t like it? I thought it was a catchy, sticky riff… sort of sticks with you… even after you’ve left the evacuation zone.

Yuri: I can sense that, unfortunately. It’s rather gross.

Guri: Well don’t look at me! You’re the one who always starts recording a new episode when one of us is indisposed!

Yuri: Well every show needs a musical intro, I thought. Otherwise it’s just us talking and I thought that would be awkward.

Guri: More awkward than one of us emerging from a vacuum toilet? I do believe I’ll never understand you, Captain.

Yuri: Nor I, you. And yet the Meeporpian aptitude and compatibility exams and algorithms placed us together, in their truly finite wisdom.

Guri: Oo, remember my band in space camp: the algorithms? Remember the short guy with three extra tentacles on drums? He was sick!!

Yuri: He was really sick, actually. Those extra tentacles were a mutation due to prenatal dark matter exposure in the Terentino nebula… our asteroid passed a bit too close perhaps, or his momma trees didn’t use enough nebula-block…

Guri: I should dig out our one album to play here on the podcast.

Yuri: Well, as you know, Guri, our music would just sound like bathroom noises to the Lurfians, which I’m not sure they’d appreciate, some of their sound effect toys notwithstanding.

Shipward: The hummus beans do get a lot of mileage out of bathroom humor, as they call it. I’ve been studying up on this for my side project or perhaps my post-space exploration career as what they call a “stand up comic.”

Yuri: Oh no…

Guri: And you can actually stand up, having legs and feet and all. Yuri and I would have to be hovering comics-

Yuri: Please don’t encourage him, Guri. The last thing we need on this podcast is another character trying to be funny.

Guri: Oh, are you afraid he might be the one to actually succeed?

Shipward: That was pretty funny.

Yuri: Silence, you fools! Once again we have rambled on for a page or two of the script already before I’ve had a chance to welcome our listeners-

Guri: This is a good script for once. Did you read it, Shipward?

Shipward: Of course I did, and yes, I rather like this one… the treatments seem to be ever so slowly improving, achieving some semblance of continuity and character development-

Yuri: Guys-

Guri: What about the question mark in the title though? Child’s Play? With a question mark? Perhaps trying a bit too hard there to cause some intrigue?

Shipward: Well I saw it as a not so subtle nod or commentary on the burgeoning success of this podcast, which is fast becoming the number one source of entertainment on Meeporp and in the greater Romulan nebular system… as in, could a child write this? We think not.

Guri: Ah, I see… so it’s not about the children in the story, little Runyan and his older brother, who we are soon to meet, seemingly playing with our spaceship but at the same time revealing truths about the universe? As in, is this simply child’s play? Hence the question mark.

Shipward: Well that’s another layer to the onion, for sure-

Yuri: I will blast both of you in your frontal lobes if you do not cease these fourth wall-shattering ruminations at once!!

Guri: Captain, take it easy. I think we’ve established with our audience that the fourth wall is more of a beaded curtain at this point… makes a lot of noise as we burst through it, sometimes my tentacles get tangled in a strand or two…

Yuri: Be that as it may, I would appreciate not being interrupted as I welcome our listeners to what is our 17th episode of Greetings Lurflings, the podcast of the stars and more recently confined to a young hummus bean’s bedroom, as we struggle to get our spaceship systems online to effectuate an escape. I am the captain of this ill-fated venture, Yurishi LackaBottom… okay, that name makes some sense for once, as we know that Meeporpians have no butts.

Shipward: How do you go to the bathroom then?

Yuri: You’re interrupting, Shipward!! But if you must know, we have cloacas at the ends of our lower tentacles, which do not always have to be pointed into a vacuum toilet, so watch yourself.

Guri: Captain, please!! A Meeporpian never uses his cloacas as a weapon! Or only in the most extreme circumstances… where we use sort of a windmill maneuver to spray the area with our toxic secretions...

Yuri: Yes, yes, and getting back to my introduction, this able-bodied but feeble-minded creature to my right is my distant second in command, Gurishi Deville. Ah, I see we have another meaningful last name here, for the devilish one.

Guri: I thought Deville means “of the village” or something…

Yuri: Perhaps, but who cares. And this embodied ship’s computer to my left…

Shipward: Remember, no introduction needed, Captain-

Yuri: I know, Shipward, but you’ve already spoken and I feel I must let the listeners know who you are-... ah, what’s the point with all of this pomp and circus stance-

Guri: Circumstance, Captain.

Yuri: What? No, I’m fairly certain it’s circus stance, like the way the ring master must stand and present the different characters and their semi-tamed beasts as they enter to perform for the audience.

Guri: Um, I don’t think so...

Shipward: The correct phrase is pomp and circumcision.

Yuri: Oh. Are you sure?

Guri: I think he’s trying to be funny, Captain.

Shipward: Sorry...

Yuri: One more joke out of you and I’ll sell you to the robot junkers in the Woe-bot-begone system.

Guri: Ah, yes, woe to the robots who go to woe-bot-begone… that’s where woe-bots be gone. Wow, that’s terrible. And Shipward is not a robot, Captain.

Yuri: You could’ve fooled me. Anyway, Shipward, perhaps you could make yourself useful for once and get our appeal filed with the Office of Due Process and Appeals, “We Due Process Appeals.” How is that coming? Did you unjam the embroidery machine?

Shipward: Shipweena and I did get it unjammed, although then, just as quickly, it was jammed again. And then unjammed, and then jammed, repeatedly…

Guri: Is it getting hot in here?

Yuri: Oh for the love of-

Shipward: But then at long last, reaching the climax of this little story, it ended up in an unjammed state, and I was able to submit our appeal to the office on Rom 9. And they did send back an acknowledgment of receipt.

Yuri: Oh well that was nice of them, what did it say?

Shipward: Well let’s see here, I have the return embroidery here, it says, “Thank you for submitting your appeal to the office of due process and appeals, ‘we due process appeals.’ It will be handled in reverse order of the order in which it was received.”

Yuri: Oo, so that means we are first in line to be heard!

Shipward: Well, that depends on how many other appeals have been filed since.

Guri: What kind of system is that? If there are a steady stream of appeals being filed it could mean ours will never be heard! Meeporpian bureaucracy never ceases to amaze me.

Yuri: Well, it is the lunar new year back on Meeporp, when we all take time off to worship the small moon orbiting our asteroid, so perhaps a lull in appeals being filed will work in our favor.

Guri: Perhaps… or it could mean appeals are piling up ahead of ours while the appeal judges are making their pilgrimage to the moon castle.

Shipward: Captain, I’m picking up some movement on our scanners. I believe one of the hummus beans is approaching.

Yuri: What? Wait, are our systems back online? Why didn’t you tell me?

Shipward: Well, not all of the systems are back online. Shipweena does seem to be largely incapacitated still. Yuri: And we can only thank you for that. Ok, well assume crash positions! I’ll try to activate the external speakers again and perhaps we can make contact before we get turned upside down and- ohhhh!!! Too late!!

Jack: Whoa! What’s this?? Runty never told me he got an actually cool spaceship!

Runyan: Glooby!! Put Glooby down, Jack!! That’s mine!

Yuri: Ohhhhhhhh!!!!

Jack: Glooby? Is this your Glooby? Up here?? Now it’s over here!! Look how fast it goes!!

Yuri: Unnnnhhhhh!!!

Runyan: Stop it, Jack, or I’ll get Mommy!! That is my Glooby!! Put him down!! You’ll hurt him!!

Jack: Who am I going to hurt?? Your spaceship!!

Runyan: No, Glooby is inside the spaceship!!

Yuri: (announcing over speaker) Young hummus beans!! (aside) Ach, what are they called, Shipward?

Shipward: Children, Captain.

Yuri: (announcing) Young children!! Please put us down!!

Jack: Whoa!! Who said that?

Runyan: Glooby did!! Glooby talks to me!!

Jack: You mean this spaceship talks too?? How come Mom and Dad never got me a talking spaceship?!?!

Yuri: Children… Jack and Runyan… please put us down!

Jack: Wait, Runty, how did the spaceship know our names??

Runyan: No, Jacky, it’s Glooby who knows are names-

Smack

Runyan: Owwwwwww!!!

Jack: I told you not to call me Jacky, Runty. Jackie is a girl’s name!!

Runyan: You hurt my arm!! Mommmmm!!!!!

Jack: Shut up, Runty! Be quiet, be quiet... it’s ok, now tell me who Glooby is.

Runyan: Just put it down… I was playing before school and Glooby was going to have a big fight.

Yuri: Yes, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, Runyan, I-

Jack: Whoa, it really is talking! Who is saying that?

Yuri: This is Captain Yurishi Lackabottom-

kids laughing

Runyan: Lack a bottom!!

Jack: Do you not have a butt??

Yuri: Well, as a Meeporpian I have a very different body structure with three what you would call heads, and many, many eyes and tentacles…

Jack: And no butts!!

children giggling

Yuri: Yes, and no butts.

Runyan: How do you go boom boom?

Yuri: sigh Strangely enough that’s not the first time I’ve been asked that today.

Jack: Ok, so where are you? Are you a talking spaceship?

Yuri: Well the spaceship does talk, although not at the moment, thanks to our own embodied ship’s computer…

Runyan: What’s a com-pooper?

Jack: He said computer, dummy! Why are you so dumb??

Runyan: Stop being mean. And give me back Glooby! Glooby has to fight mighty Gorgon Zola…

Yuri: Yes, about that, Runyan, I wanted to-

Jack: Oo, if Glooby is going to fight Gorgon Zola, he better charge up his mold blaster and heat rays.

Runyan: Mold blast!! Heat way!!

Jack: No, heat ray!! Gorgon Zola cannot stand high temperatures.

Yuri: Oh, well thank you, Jack, this is good to know. Now could you tell me when this battle with Gorgon Zola might be taking place? I just need to plan my escape, I mean-- my plan of attack.

Runyan: Gorgon Zola here now!!

Yuri: What??

Jack: No, remember, Runty, we built the Gorgon system over here by the blocks. They need to fly through the asteroid belt to get there. Here you fly the ship, and I’ll throw the asteroids at it…

Yuri: Oh no… there’s no need-

Runyan: Glooby fly fast to fight the Gorgons!! ship noises

Yuri: Ahhhhhh!! Hold on, everyone!!

Jack: But oh no, they’re suddenly being hit by asteroids!! bang boom

Yuri: Ahhhhhhh!!! Oh no!! Evasive maneuvers, Runyan!! Please!!

banging sounds Runyan laughing

Yuri: Please, Runyan, could we avoid any of these asteroids??

Jack: Here comes a big one!!

Crash

Runyan: Ouch!! Jacky!!! You hit me in the eye with that stuffie!!

Jack: It’s just a stuffed animal, what’s the big deal??

Runyan: sniffling No, the hard part of the eye hit me!! It really hurt!!

Jack: Let me see…

Runyan: Mom!!!

Runyan’s Mom: Honestly, what is going on in here, boys?? You know your father is trying to take his nap!

Runyan: Jacky hit me in the eye!

Mom: Jack!!

Jack: I did not, Mom, we were playing and I threw Mr. Cucumber at the spaceship but hit Runty on accident.

Runyan: But the hard part hit me! Right here!!

Mom: Oo, I can see a little mark below your eye there, Runty. It’s going to be okay though. Jack, you have to be more careful with your little brother.

Jack: Aw, Ma…

Runyan: sniffling Mom, Glooby is on his way to fight Gorgon Zola!! He’s probably going to lose!

Mom: Oh, well that’s nice dear.

Jack: Yeah, Mom, did you know this spaceship talks? And it learned our names!

Mom: Oh wow… it’s probably mining all of our data as we speak too.

Runyan: Miming?

Yuri: How did she know that??

Guri: Captain, the external mic is still on!

Mom: Did that space ship just talk about me?

Jack: I told you, Mom. It has been talking to us.

Mom: No, I must be hearing things. Listen, you boys need to put all that down and wash up before dinner. Come on, let’s go.

Runyan: Aw, mom…

Jack: What are we having?

Mom: Dinosaur nuggets and apple sauce.

Runyan: Yay!!!

sounds of footsteps leaving room

Guri: My goodness, Captain, that was a close one…

Yuri: I know, I almost had to try to explain our little mining operation to the mother hummus bean…

Guri: No… well, yes, that… but also I meant the repeated direct hits our ship took in that asteroid field back there. Shipward, any damage?

Yuri: Where’s Shipward?

Guri: I think I saw him duck into the vacuum toilet down the hall here. Shipward?

Shipward: Oh, uh… what? Nothing? I was doing nothing.

Guri: Is that a manual for the strongly-felt-sentiment drive that powers this ship?

Shipward: No, I-... I was just looking at the pictures…

Guri: Captain, we’ve caught Shipward reading highly technical manuals again…

Yuri: Oh, Shipward. We’ve talked about this. We’ve even recommended therapy.

Shipward: I know… it’s an addiction. Something about technical writing that just keeps drawing me back…

Guri: I don’t understand how you have a pornographic memory of all those racy illustrations accompanying the code of our previous ship’s computer, and yet you keep turning to mere words on a page to get your jollies…

Shipward: It’s the “theater of the mind”... you should try it.

Yuri: Please don’t tempt Guri… he’s young and impressionable. Now how about a damage report on this ship?

Shipward: Well, I’m trying to revive Shipweena to the point where we can run a full diagnostic… but from what I can see with some wires dangling and throwing sparks down hallway B near the cargo bay, I’d say we’ve suffered some significant damage.

Yuri: Oh, well that’s just super. Here we are just handed a top of the line spaceship, and we have yet to get it fully functional. I mean it’s every Captain’s worst nightmare!

Guri: And if we have to face Gorgon Zola in this condition… well, we’re shitting ducks.

Yuri: I believe the expression is “sitting ducks”, Guri.

Guri: Not when Sean Connery said it in Diamonds Are Forever… he said quite clearly, “We are shitting ducks…”

Yuri: Yes, well… at least we learned about some of Gorgon Zola’s weaknesses. What did The Runyan’s older brother say… check the logs.

Shipward: The logs are currently inaccessible.

Yuri: Of course they are, when they could actually be helpful. But he said something about a mold blaster, but then a heat ray. He said Gorgon Zola does not stand up well to high temperatures.

Shipward: Well everyone knows that about blue cheese.

Yuri: What?

Shipward: Oh, I’m sorry, are we not talking about the Lurfian dairy product? Made in caves in a specific region of Italy?

Guri: Honestly, where did we get this guy?

Yuri: From Toshiba. We got him on Toshiba.

Guri: No, I know that, it’s an expression of disbelief… nevermind. Yes, Shipward, we were talking about the mighty Gorgon leader who may soon be slaying our Captain in a fight to the death…

Yuri: Now why do you think he is fighting just me??

Guri: Well the Runyan clearly said that “Glooby” would be fighting Gorgon Zola. You are Glooby, as I believe we’ve established-

Yuri: Who established that? No, The Runyan just calls us, his spaceship and all of us inside it, Glooby. I thought that was clear-

Shipward: No, checking the logs, you told Runyan your name was Guri, and he heard Glooby and started calling you Glooby…

Yuri: Oh, now the logs are suddenly accessible, when they can be used against me?? Forget the logs!! Burn the logs!! My universe for a fireplace, so we could burn the logs!

Guri: And what about the mother cooking up dinosaurs for dinner?? Clearly there is much about these hummus beans we do not understand.

Yuri: I know. Have they discovered the secrets of time travel, as they seemed so close to doing in that movie that we discussed last time, Field of Dreams?

Guri: Or have they actually been outside their solar system and they’ve been harvesting dinosaurs in deep space?

Farit: Pssst, guys, over here!!

Yuri: What? Who’s there? Is it Gorgon Zola, Guri?? Hide me!!!!

Guri: I’m pretty sure it’s a friend, Captain. A brave and worthy enemy doesn’t usually give away his location before an attack.

Yuri: Not unless he wants us to think he’s a friend… and then, surprise, you’re dead!!

Farit: Over here, by the window.

Guri: Oh, look, Captain, the hummus bean domiciles have win-dows, just like our ship!!

Yuri: Ah, thank the comets, it’s our old friend, Farit, just outside the window there. Farit, how good it is to see you. We were just looking for a stooge, I mean, a steadfast friend to help us out of a jam here. You see, we seem to be in a bum spaceship at the moment, and we’ve got a bit of a confrontation coming up with-

Farit: Yeah, yeah. I heard the whole last few pages of the script as I was waiting for what seemed like forever for my cue.

Yuri: I see Farit pays no heed to the wall of fourth either. But what are you doing here?

Farit: They plant a nice garden here, so I was grabbing some vegetables to bring back to missus… you should see the list she gave me. And if I don’t come back with just the right size carrots and onions, boy do I get an earful!

Yuri: No, I meant why are you here, in the script- er, I mean at the window talking to us? Not that you need a reason, always good to see an old friend…

Farit: Oh right, I’m supposed to be straightening you out on some of the misconceptions you are forming during your first real interaction with the humans. Although I gotta say, it’s been fairly entertaining watching you try to figure things out for yourselves.

Yuri: Are you insulting our Meeporpian intelligence, Farit?? Surely you know we are one of the more evolved forms of life in the universe.

Farit: Well, but compared to what, is what I’m saying? I mean the universe is full of a lot of scum… I mean literally, scum and ooze and things that just barely qualify as living…

Guri: He’s got a point, Captain. We may be near the top of the mountain… but it’s largely a mountain of Beegees music.

Yuri: Ooo, I remember producing that after too much Lerzog soup on Alpha Said-Fooey… I BeeGeed all over the public toilets from the restaurant all the way back to the hotel… which immediately went from a four-star rating to a one poop emoji rating on Cosmic Yelp.

Guri: I do remember that. We can never go back there.

Farit: Yeah, well, honestly you two seem to have things under control. That’s a nice ship you got there… in need of some repairs I see. Let me know if you need any parts.

Yuri: We will, Farit. But wait, how did these young hummus beans manage to summon the mighty Gorgon Zola to fight me- I mean us? I mean did we offend him in some way?

Farit: Well, you’re new here, trying to set up a little mining operation, you can’t imagine you’re the first to try that, right? This is about turf. If someone sees you as cutting into their profits, you’re going to hear from them.

Guri: Oh no, Yuri… they might put us into a lava sea with cement tentacle warmers!!

Yuri: But of course… that’s why our FESbook mining operation wasn’t proving so lucrative. The Gorgons and the Kardaschicons had already set up operations of their own, mining the petty emotions of these hummus beans. And now we’ve upset one of the most notorious gangsters in the universe, Gorgon Zola!!

Farit: And that’s my cue to skedaddle, as I was never one to pick a losing side in a battle. Good luck, Meepdorks. Maybe I’ll see you on the other side!

sound of window closing

Guri: He’s just going to leave us?? Farit, you coward!!

Yuri: Nobody knows you when you’re down and out, Guri. And this seems like as good a place as any to leave off our little storyline for the moment and get in a word from our sponsors. I need some time to collect my thoughts, put my many affairs in order-

Shipward: The ship’s logs list all of your sordid affairs in order, at every weigh station and refueling center across the universe-

Yuri: Not those affairs, you fool!! Can’t you see I’m trying to wrap up this segment?

Guri: (Italian mobster voice) Yeah, can’t you see what he’s trying to do here??? Come onnnn!!

Yuri: Not helpful, Guri! Anyway, we will leave our fair listeners for now, clearly fearing for our lives… I see the well wishes pouring in on the podcast chat feature now…

Guri: Oh, should I read some of them?

Yuri: No, there’s no need-

Guri: This one says, “Please die already.”

Yuri: Well, there are always a few naysayers…

Guri: And this one says, “What idiots. Does Farit have a podcast we could listen to instead?” Shipward, are these representative of what we’re getting? What percentage are positive?

Yuri: There’s no need to quantify-

Shipward: The chat messages have been mostly negative, many of them censored for violating intergalactic web decency standards.

Yuri: I am trying -- and failing -- to remain upbeat here, but apparently you two would prefer that I curl up into a ball and weep uncontrollably to end this segment, is that it? We have a battle for our very lives in front of us… we have a largely disabled and now damaged ship… we’re low on fuel… we’re short on ideas… you know what? Just forget it. You wrap up this segment, Guri!! I’ll be in my quarters!!

Shipward: I think those were decimated by an asteroid hit, Captain.

Yuri: I will be in the Captain’s washroom then!!

Door Slams Guri: Oh… well then… I guess I should… let me find that end of segment music. Hey, Shipward, are you done with that ship’s manual?

Shipward: Not quite...

end of segment music

C.C.’s House of Saws Ad #2021-04-14

C.C.: Wellllllll now, Sheila, that was divine if I do say so myself. I know they don’t hand out awards for this sort of thing, but if they did…

Sheila: Well then you’d have quite the trophy case, wouldn’t you??

C.C.: Ah, shucks…

Sheila: I didn’t say you’d have any trophies in it… but you’d expect to win them all, so you’d build yourself a nice case for them.

C.C.: Well you do know me, my little honey bumpkin. Always putting the car before the horse… when everyone knows the horse came well before the car in the history of transportation. It was a horse, then a horse-drawn buggy, I believe, or carriage, and then the horseless carriage, which became the automobile, although they still to this day measure the power of these contraptions in the units of horses… one horsepower, two horsepower, etc. I believe they are up to 15 or 20 horsepowers now, in some of the more powerful trucks and large vehicles.

Sheila: Oh, C.C., you’re a veritable walking dictionary…

C.C.: I believe it’s a walking encyclopedia is the figure of speech you were going for there…

Sheila: Well I just like saying dic-tionary because of how that word starts…

C.C.: Oh, you are a naughty she-devil if I ever-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Hank: Uh, C.C.!!! You in there?? Come quick!!

Knock Knock

C.C.: What the-? Now what’s all the racket?

Hank: We got a fire, C.C.!! In the store!! It’s out of control!

C.C.: What?? A fire?? stumbling sounds Now just hold on!!

Sheila: Oh my heavens!! C.C., don’t forget your pants!!

C.C.: I won’t forget my pants, darling, what do you think… but the store’s on fire!! My life’s work!!

Sheila: And don’t forget your suspenders, C.C.!!

C.C.: What now? Well I- can’t you see the store is burning down?? I can see the flames from here!!!

Sheila: Now C.C., what good are your pants if you don’t have your suspenders to hold them up??

C.C.: Oh, alright, alright!! Goodness, nevermind that all my saws are burning up, we wouldn’t want anyone to see my behind!!

Sheila: No one but me now, C.C.!! It’s all mine!!

C.C.: What? Are you trying to establish proprietorship over my butt?

Sheila: (dramatic) You owe me that much, C.C.!! After all you’ve put me through!!

Hank: C.C.!! Come on!!

C.C.: Ok, we’ll talk about this later, geez, woman… I gotta run.

door opening

Hank: What’re we going to do, C.C.?

C.C.: Aw, cheese and crackers, it’s lighting up the sky!! Did you call the fire department?

Hank: Oh, uh, do you think I should do that? I wanted to come get you first. Dennis told me to go find you.

C.C.: Jeezums, Hank, someone better check on the hamster in the little wheel in your head…

Dennis: Oh, C.C., there you are!! Can you believe this?? I saw some of the acting students flailing and lying about near the fire… I can’t tell if they were injured or just acting or what. Either way, this is fast becoming a conflagration!!

C.C.: I can see that, Dennis. Goodness I turn my back for what, 10 to 12 minutes, to welcome back my wife and this is what happens?? Why haven’t you called the fire department?

Dennis: Well we wanted to alert you first… as the principal owner and liability insurance holder.

C.C.: Are you saying that your names aren’t tied to our joint business venture? And that I alone might be responsible for anyone hurt in this disaster?

Hank: Well, uh… Dennis thought it best if-

Dennis: We thought you just wanted shadow investors in this here store, C.C.

C.C.: Shadow investors?? I haven’t even heard of that term before… I’m guessing you just made it up!! But look, first things first here, let’s get ourselves on top of this situation! Dennis, you got that supply of hoses handy for your hydraulic drills?

Dennis: I just so happen to have those over here, out of the reach of the fire.

C.C.: Ok, let’s not get too close here… oo, there’s a powerful heat coming off this fire!! Stay low!!

Hank: C.C., I think my Captain’s hat is on fire. And my eyebrows…

C.C.: I said to stay low, Hank, jeezums crow!! Stop, drop and roll for a bit!! Get your face down there in the dirt…

Hank: Mmmmfffff!!!

C.C.: Now roll your head a bit. There you go!! Your hat’s out now… and ok, come up for air now… yep, your eyebrows are just singed a little. They’re smoking a bit. But it’s a good look for you.

Hank: Oh no… Hilda loved my bushy eyebrows. I feel naked.

C.C.: Now focus, Hank, do you still have any of those watering holes in stock?

Hank: Why yes, I’ve got all of them in stock. It’s been a while since a herd of wildebeest came into the store and bought one. People have their tap water or their bottled water… they don’t much care for drinking out of a hole in the ground.

C.C.: I don’t need your life story, Hank, I just need you to point me to the watering holes!

Hank: Over there… aisle 2, bottom shelf.

C.C.: Dennis, bring those hoses. Let’s go!!

Dennis: I’m beginning to catch your drift, C.C.!! I’ll put these hose ends in the watering holes, you run the other ends closer to the fire!

C.C.: Yes, it’s just like the old days, siphoning gas out of my daddy’s tractor to feed the horse to draw my buggy into town with my best girl at my side!! Boy was I a proud one, making quite an entrance on our first day of school.

Dennis: High school?

C.C.: No, this was my first day of school ever… I was maybe six? It was also my last day of school, as my Pa said I had to stay home to help out on the alfalfa farm and to feed the pigeons.

Dennis: Was there no Child Services in your town?

C.C.: What’s that?

Dennis: Nothing. I’ve got the hoses submerged now, C.C., so you can do your thing!

C.C.: Ok, let’s just start the flow here… all right… that should do it… not quite the water pressure I was hoping for…

Hank: I think I could pee farther than what’s coming out of those hoses.

C.C.: Well then why don’t you make yourself useful and do that? Let me just block off the ends partially here… and there… we got a bit more of a spray… sort of a fine mist… that’s not going to do very much.

SIRENS of fire trucks rapidly approaching

Hank: Oh, well thank goodness… somebody called the Fire Department.

C.C.: Oh, sure, now they arrive just when we were starting to get things under control.

Fire Chief: Gimme a main line to the entrance here and take two support lines around the right side. Ok, who’s the owner here??

Hank: That would be C.C. here. His name is on the tent… and the first one on the sign…

C.C.: Hello, officer, I mean, Chief, is it Chief? Thanks for dropping by-

Chief: Just can it! I need to know how many people were in the store before this fire broke out! How many and where?

C.C.: Well, I wasn’t actually here when it started, you see, I was welcoming my wife back after a period of estrangement, so, as you can imagine, we were holed up in the ole Winnebago there for a good 12 to 14 minutes…

Chief: If you weren’t here then shut up!! You there, without the eyebrows! Were you here when it started? How many people were inside?

Hank: Yes, uh… well, let’s see… there weren’t any customers to speak of… business has been a bit slow…

Chief: You don’t say?! With you two jokers in charge? Who else was in the structure?

Hank: Well just the acting students. They’re interns. Unpaid interns.

Chief: How many? Is it that group over there? My God, they look all torn up!

C.C.: Well now, see, that’s part of their job, to uh… fake workplace injuries… so some or all of that could be stage make-up… it’s hard to tell sometimes.

Chief: Uh-huh. They fake workplace injuries, you say?

C.C.: Yeah… it’s good for business.

Chief: I can see that. Look, is that all of them over there or do I need to send a man inside to look for someone who’s missing?

C.C.: No, uh… that looks to be all of them.

Chief: (to his crew) Start the main line in at the base, have the support lines over the top… better have Johhny suit up and take a pass through!!

Hank: Thanks for coming when you did, sir!

Chief: Yeah, well… we’ll save what we can.

C.C.: I do appreciate that, Chief. This is our life’s work here… this burning tent… those saw blades and drill bits… the holes… oo, Hank, you better go warn the Chief about the black holes.

Hank: Oh, right... I’m on it.

Fire Inspector: Hello, now, are you the owner?

C.C.: Why yes, I’m C.C. Mcgraw of this here C.C.’s House of Saws, who are you?

Inspector: I’m the Fire Inspector, Hank Ash.

C.C.: Inspector Ash, is it?

Inspector: Yes, and believe me, I’ve heard all the jokes before. Listen, the Chief tells me you were indisposed at the time the fire broke out?

C.C.: Why yes, I was holed up with the missus there, if you must know, for 16 to 18… maybe 20 minutes, and next thing I know-

Sheila: Oh there you are, C.C.!! Are you okay, honey bear??? I just told the inspector you had only left the store for 5 to 6 minutes before old Hank came to tell us what was happening!

C.C.: Oh Sheila!!! Ok, cut, Ron, cut!! That’s enough for today!! I think we got the commercial, if you could just cut it before Sheila arrived just now...

Ron: But uh… the store’s burning down, do you still want me to produce this next commercial?

C.C.: Like a phoenix from the ashes, we will rise again, Ron. Put it in the can!

Ron: Ok… you’re the boss…

end of segment music

Spores Talk Yuri: Ah, finally, we will be trying out this segment that our universal audience has been demanding… that’s right, it’s Spores Talk, with Yuri and Guri and Shipward, I suppose, who will come in handy as a walking computer.

Guri: Yes, perhaps Shipward could orient those in the audience and perhaps those of us on this show, who were given very little notice about this new segment and who know very little about spores, perhaps Shipward could read us a definition of a spore.

Shipward: Sure, I’d be happy to. A spore is a minute, typically one-celled, reproductive unit capable of giving rise to a new individual without sexual fusion, characteristic of lower plants, fungi, and protozoans.

Yuri: And Gorgons, I might add. Guri, you look stunned… what’s the matter?

Guri: He lost me at “sexual fusion”... my mind sort of went blank there. Although now I’m thinking of Spore as a good band name… sort of a heavy metal or gothic industrial perhaps…

Yuri: Are you starting a band, Guri? You can barely play a kazoo.

Guri: Well a kazoo is a silly, Lurfian instrument… hardly worthy of our talents. Now the harp, on the other hand, is ideally suited for our many tentacles…

Yuri: That’s an interesting conversation to have on another segment -- perhaps Yuri and Guri Play the Blues -- but today we are at long last doing Spores Talk, entering the hotly contested intergalactic spores talk market, which I’ve heard is full of hot takes and hotter fakes.

Guri: You can put me in the hotter fake category… as in, did you know that my first wife was a spore?

Yuri: Was she really?

Guri: No.

Yuri: Well, I’ll try a hot take. Which is that while spores are generally disparaged for their antisocial behavior, they can often be the life of a party… especially when gusts of wind blow them about here and there.

Guri: That feels like a bit more of a lukewarm take…

Yuri: Well, let’s get down to the extremely difficult job of ranking the greatest spores heroes of all time. Guri, you go first.

Guri: I told you I wasn’t well prepared for this, but I’ll have to go with the crowd pleaser, the bestower of many wishes, the dandelion spore. As a rookie, dandelion spore batted .352 on making wishes come true, setting a new spores record. He bounced around the eastern and western divisions, making one record-breaking free agent deal after the next, before his stellar career was finally cut short when he was eaten by a grasshopper.

Yuri: Very well, a safe choice for sure… not a hot take at all, but still one that is difficult to argue against. Ok, how about you, Shipward?

Shipward: Well thanks, Captain. I think for my pick for all-time greatest spore, I’m going to have to go with the truffle, snouted, or excuse me, scouted out by wild pigs and brought up through the farm system, the truffle is a veritable clean-up hitter when it comes to fine dining, causing patrons to literally lick their plates clean to absorb every morsel of this delicious spore. I think this conversation begins and ends with the truffle.

Guri: Interesting because we’re in the middle of the conversation now…

Yuri: Yes, but well-reasoned and strong case made by Shipward nonetheless. Guri: Shipward Nonetheless?

Yuri: What?

Guri: Is that his last name? Shipward Nonetheless?

Yuri: No, I see your confusion as I believe the writers left a comma out of the script. That was Shipward, comma, nonetheless.

Shipward: I don’t have a last name.

Guri: Ah the missing comma, of course. The writers are probably trying to save on ink. Say, is the comma a spore?

Yuri: I don’t think so. Shipward, can we get a ruling?

Shipward: The comma is not a spore. Although the period is. And the colon, of course.

Guri: Oh boy, if I know our writers, here comes a colon joke.

Yuri: What about the semi colon?

Shipward: The semicolon is not a spore.

Guri: I had a semi-colonoscopy once… I screamed and passed out and they had to cut it short. Oh dammit, there’s the colon joke. And they made me say it too.

Yuri: Well, if the writers are done with the bad jokes, perhaps we could get around to my pick for greatest spore of all time. I’ve thought long and hard about this, my fellow sporophiles, and I’ve finally settled upon Rhizopus stolonifer, a species of bread mold.

Guri: Rhizopus stolonifer?? What a name!! It has sort of a regal ring to it.

Yuri: As well it should, for it is the king of spores. In a league of its own, really. Doing more damage over its career than your dandelions and truffles combined, I think we have to give old Rhizopus its due and crown it the greatest spore of all time.

Guri: Well, Yuri, I think you were right about this segment… it was a lot of fun and I learned a lot too-

THEEND: THEEND!! Theend mad, theend didn’t get to tell you his favorite spore…

ad lib end

podcast, Season_OneYuriApril 18, 2021