Episode 18: The Judgies

Check out the alternate version of this episode in Techni-Text™ below:

Episode 18: The Judgies

Opens to Going to California on acoustic guitar

Yuri: Oh, I like the sounds of that one… sort of lulls you to sleep… Guri… are you asleep in there? Please come out and join our podcast, which is now in progress…

Guri: What? Who’s there? Oh… I must’ve dosed off there for a second-... sorry...

Yuri: That can be dangerous in a vacuum toilet. I don’t have to remind you about the time you slouched a bit too far and activated the flush and shred mechanism with one of your sleeping heads…

Guri: I lost two tentacles and half a blundersac in that disaster -- so no, there is no need to remind me of that!! And thanks for bringing it up on the broadcast here… slashing in half my chances of finding a third, loving wife, no doubt.

Yuri: Just like something else was slashed in half-

Shipward: Captain, really, it sounds like a painful memory.

Guri: The other half of the ole blundersac works doubly hard to make up for it though… no need to worry there, ladies!! nervously laughing I can laugh about it now though...

Shipward: Can’t you see he’s barely able to put a good face on it…

Yuri: Yes, well, I suppose you’re right, Shipward. I’m sorry, Guri, if I brought up any emasculating deficiencies…

Guri: We could stop talking about it now… we could!!

Shipward: We should…

Yuri: And we shall! Welcome, everyone, to what is our -- can you believe it -- 18th episode of Greetings Lurflings. Time flies when it can afford to and when ground travel is not a viable option. No, that’s a little time humor there… but time does seem to fly when you’re stuck in a remote corner of the universe, doesn’t it? Why it seems like just last week we were landing on Lurf for the very first time and being terrified by our initial encounter with a ladybug… and when Guri almost wet himself when he was forced to hide from the magg-oh in the skull of a dragon…

Guri: How come I remember none of this?

Yuri: Well, er…

Guri: Oh that’s right, I remember why. Yes, and time flies doubly fast when your Captain photon blasts your frontal lobes during each of the first dozen episodes…

Yuri: It’s a proton blaster, Guri, and I would think you would know that by now.

Guri: Oh really? Did you tell me that before? Was that right before you proton blasted my three brains??

Yuri: I will not dignify that question with a response.

Shipward: The answer is readily accessible in the old ship’s logs, which I’ve committed to memory-

Yuri: Silence, Shipwa-... say… that gives me an idea…

Guri: Oh you wouldn’t, Captain!! Shipward’s pornographic memory is the only thing standing between us and destitution and humiliating failure on our mission here on Lurf!! Whatever that mission might be…

Yuri: Right, well, something I’ll just file away then for future consideration. But let me finish welcoming our listeners to the podcast. I am your Captain, Yuri Beefheart the Third. Not my real last name… thank you, writers. sigh And this driveling puddle to my left is my faithless second in command, Guri Thanopoulos, who is now Greek apparently.

Shipward: He’s Greek to me.

Guri: What? I’m from Meeporp.

Yuri: And this walking ship’s computer to my right is Shipward Nonetheless… ah, a name that seems to have stuck from the last episode.

Guri: I knew that was his last name! Shipward, tell us about your family tree and the other Nonethelesses.

Yuri: Well, I’m not sure we have time-

Shipward: Oh, sure, well my mother, Nancy Nonetheless, comes from one of the more prominent Toshiban families, while my father, Avery Evermore, came from slightly more pedestrian stock. His was a family of pedestrians, eschewing all other forms of transportation besides walking. And as is the custom on Toshiba, when two people are marrying they carry on the name of the more prominent family, hence my last name of Nonetheless.

Guri: That’s funny, because at least the sound of the names -- Nonetheless versus Evermore -- you would think Evermore would be the name of the more prominent family, conveying permanence, staying power, and fortitude… whereas Nonetheless sounds like they are there in spite of something else.

Shipward: Or perhaps to spite someone else. Never underestimate the power of spite.

Guri: Ooo, if only we could find a way to mine spite!! We could power this ship’s strongly-held-sentiment drive and get out of here before Gorgon Zola slays our Captain.

Yuri: I am right here, and I do not appreciate your total lack of confidence in my ability to shirk a battle and escape with my life at the last second!

Shipward: Speaking of Gorgon Zola, this pending confrontation does seem real, as we just got an embroidery delivered via the intergalactic throwdown channel from his home office on Gorgastra 9.

Yuri: What? This can’t be happening!! What did it say?

Shipward: It says, “Greetings, Meeporpian Scum-

Yuri: Oh, well that sounds friendly enough… he greeted us at least.

Shipward: Yes, well he goes on say, “I want 80% of all of your mining proceeds on Lurf. Comply immediately or I will pass you through my vacuum toilet.”

Guri: Baaaa!! Wow, what are the chances he would threaten us with what has become my biggest fear-

Shipward: He goes on to say, “Or, Guri, in your case I would be passing the rest of you through a vacuum toilet.”

Guri: shrieks How does he… how would he know about that?!?! Oh sweet mercy!!

Yuri: Gorgon Zola has been tracking us for some time, it would seem. Either via some high tech tracking device… or perhaps a spy!! Who can we trust??!? Is it you, Shipward??!!

Shipward: I just told you my life story on Toshiba… it’ll check out.

Yuri: Guri?? Perhaps you’re a double agent!!

Guri: Captain!!! How could you even think such a thing?? After all our karflugons together...

Yuri: You’re right. It must be Timmy the intern.

Timmy: (in distance) Whaaaaattt?

Shipward: The Gorgon’s reach is extensive, Captain, even in a remote corner of the universe such as this. He has eyes and ears everywhere.

Yuri: I know, they are all over his body… Gorgon anatomy is not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure.

Shipward: No, I meant the Gorgons have informants everywhere. Why maybe that Farit we’ve already run into twice now here on Lurf has been checking up on us and reporting back to him.

Guri: Farit??

Yuri: Oh come now! Farit is our friend!! Sure, we’ve lost an arm and a leg to him gambling in the past, but… well, now, come to think of it… he is the mercenary type. And a bit weaselly.

Guri: He’s not a weasel. He’s a ferret.

Yuri: Well I know, but that’s sort of a similar-

Shipward: Captain, I’m getting a Meeporpian hailing signal on the ship’s communication terminal… it seems we have company.

Yuri: Company?? Oh my word, Guri, let’s tidy up the place… where do these throw pillows actually go? I never know where to put them.

Guri: Yes, that is one universal conundrum, isn’t it? Throw pillows. They are always about and under foot and never quite where they belong… until you finally just throw them out of desperation into some corner or onto some unused chair… and I feel like this is the writers interjecting themselves into the storyline here… with their sad Lurfian lives in their little hummus bean domiciles, short on ideas and ingenuity and knowledge of the universe, but not short on throw pillows. No, they’re covered on that front!! Thanks to a little mecca for married folk called Bed Bath & Beyond!! Little do they know that they are surrounded by one of the keys to the “Beyond” -- throw pillows!! Yes, the very items that taunt them with their apparent uselessness… could set them free!!

Yuri: Are you okay, Guri? I have no idea what you are talking about.

Guri: I was talking about how throw pillows are essential to interstellar travel, but that the poor hummus beans have no way of knowing that.

Yuri: Well, we could tell them.

Guri: But would they believe us?

Yuri: Well, probably not. But, getting back to the matter at hand here… we only have 1-2-3… 4 throw pillows on this ship, and they can just go on the padded bench over there by the sick bay.

Guri: Oh, right… sorry… yes, right away, Captain.

Yuri: Maybe keep one handy in case we don’t like what our visitors have to tell us.

Shipward: Captain, I’m putting a holo-conference from the Meeporpian High Council Appeal Judge onto our main projector here…

Yuri: An appeal judge?!?! Oh, our day in court has arrived! I wish I had put on my nicer tentacle warmers.

Guri: You look fine, Captain.

Judge: Captain Yurishi and sub-Captain Gurishi, formerly of the Meeporpian Royal Navy Squadron 22 Vector 4, your appeal to the Office of Due Process and Appeals, “We Due Process Appeals,” will now be heard!!

Yuri: Yes!!

Guri: All right!!

Judge: No cheering!!

Yuri and Guri: Sorry!!

Judge: We have reviewed your case, filed in a crude, hand-embroidered form by a one Shipward Nonetheless… is he present?

Yuri: He seems to have disappeared.

Guri: He’s indisposed at the moment. Happens a lot on this ship… we have excellent vacuum toilets.

Judge: Yes, I was wondering how you obtained a first-class StarRunner craft such as this? Something I should investigate and consider as part of this case perhaps?

Yuri: We found it, Judge! I mean, sir. Really we did… just suspended and unoccupied in a Lurfian toy store.

Judge: Mm-hmm. Well, be that as it may, we have determined that the Meeporpian High Council, specifically the special enforcement unit, acted too hastily in your recent disbarment from the Meeporpian Royal Navy. For one thing, you were afforded no due process period. And if there’s one thing we know and uphold here in the Office of Due Process and Appeals, it is due process.

Yuri: Aha!! I knew it!! Thank you, kind sir!!

Guri: Oh… due process spelled “d-u-e”... all this time I thought they were just saying they do process appeals, “d-o”...

Yuri: Shut up!

Judge: Yeah, a lot of people miss the double meaning in our tag line. It’s pretty clever… I wrote it actually.

Yuri: Oh it’s very clever. And catchy too.

Judge: Well thank you, Now, I am prepared to offer both you and Guri a full reinstatement into your former positions with just a minor disciplinary note added to your file for insulting the Meeporpian High Council-

Guri: Yes!!

Yuri: We’re back, baby!!

Judge: ON ONE CONDITION…

Guri: Uh-oh…

Yuri: Yes, sir, and what would that condition be?

Judge: Well, a certain judge is up for an award this year for best appeal judge in the universe, well this is the regional round coming up, but if I win the regional award, I go on to the all-galaxy team and then compete for the universal championship.

Yuri: Who is this judge, do we know him?

Judge: It’s me, you fools!! I’m up for the award, and if you want to be re-instated I need you, Yuri, to serve as a Judge on these upcoming Judgie Awards.

Yuri: Me, a judge??? Well, I’m flattered, but I hardly think I’m qualified… my only experience with the intergalactic judicial system is this current appeal process… well plus a minor gambling dispute on Fan-Shooey about 60 karflugons ago.

Judge: You don’t need to be qualified, you Comet fart, you just need to vote for me!!

Guri: Captain, he’s stacking the judge panel. He just wants you to help him win the contest.

Judge: Silence, Guri! I will not confirm or deny such a remark, and there is no record of this conversation… I’m seeing to that. So what do you say, Yuri??

Yuri: Well, I have my integrity to think of-

Judge: Are you joking?

Yuri: What? Oh yes… of course I’m joking!! I’m in. When are the awards?

Judge: Well, funny you should ask, I’ve actually already registered you and the awards show broadcast starts in… oh, well, just a few klangons. You better get ready? Do you have any nicer tentacle warmers you could throw on?

Yuri: Oh my comets!! I’m to be on universal broadcast? Guri, how’re my tentacles? And I wish I could polish my stomachs!

Guri: Here… throw these on… and here’s some stomach polish… oh well… that’ll have to do.

Judge: This is great. Now I don’t think I ever told you my name. It’s Susan. So whenever you can, be sure to vote for Judge Susan.

Guri: Good luck, Captain!! And remember, our entire careers depend on this. Don’t be nervous.

Yuri: Don’t be-... well I wasn’t nervous until you just said that. Okay, where do I look? Which camera is on?

Judge: It’s all being coordinated via remote holo-conference… just continue to stare into your main projection screen there and remember to speak up!

Pat Flapjack: Wellllllllllllllllcome everycreature to the 21st annugal Judgie Awards!!! The show that judges judges, and says it’s okay to judge! I like to think it’s the most entertaining award show around, but then I’ll let you be the judge of that, am I right?? Oh, you didn’t appreciate that pun, judging by your reaction. Oh there I go again, sorry. Judge the facts, ma’am, is what you’re saying! Ok, I’ll stop. And I’m not a ma’am, by the way. No, I’m your host, Pat Flapjack, and this darling little being to my right is my assistant, Notso Bright. Say hi, Notso!

Notso: Hi, Notso!

Pat: But she’s a doll, isn’t she?

Notso: Hi, Notso!

Pat: Ok, give it a rest, will you? Nothing but pills in your diet today, am I right? Geez…

Notso: Not… so…

Pat: Ok, well moving right along, let’s meet our judges, and by judges I mean the actual judges for the award who will be judging the other judges, who are the contestants, who we’ll introduce later. I know this can be confusing… we get a lot of questions over the phone and chat lines at this point in the show every time we do this… so just HANG ON!! Let ole Pat explain what’s going on, and everything will be fine, okay??

Notso: I’m Notso Bright!!

Pat: Not now, Notso!! This is a critical point in the show!! Please, just stick to your lines.

Notso: Of coke?

Pat: Oh my goodness, can we edit that out… can we? Do we have to start over? We’ll fix it in post? Ok, my producer is saying we’re good to continue. Okay, folks, where were we? Oh right, let’s meet our judges, who will be deciding who wins the Judgie awards tonight. First, from the Planet of Sylvestra, it’s Slyborg Kartonomo!!! This Sylvestran has presided over three different galactic court systems and has logged 6 million karflugons behind the bench. Welcome, Judge Kartonomo!

applause

Pat: And next we have Turko Backgammon, from the Rom Nebula, a former public prosecutor turned judge in the lower quadrant, Turko has sent more than 12,000 intergalactic criminals to the hanging prisons of the Valdemeer Delta. Let’s give a warm welcome to Judge Backgammon!!

applause

Pat: And finally, from the icy comet of Meeporp, until recently a member of the Royal Meeporpian Navy, and… it says here… a current explorer of Earth… what’s Earth? Who is-... is this the right bio? Oh well, he’s our third and final judge it seems… please welcome Yurishi OveraBarrel.

Yuri: Thank you, everyone, I’m just happy to be here-

Pat: Silence!! You only speak when spoken to on this show!!

Yuri: I’m sorry.

Pat: You did it again!!

Yuri: Well, in my defense, I was being spoken to that time-

Pat: Ah, a true jurist, I see!! Okay then, touche… but I’m keeping my eye on you, Yuri!!

Judge Reinhold: Uh, hey guys… Judge Reinhold here…

Pat: Oh, no, Judge Reinhold… we don’t need you today. Our producer should’ve told you.

JR: Oh okay… why don’t you kiss 100 percent of my ass!

Pat: Now, let’s meet our contestants… these are the judges competing for the Judgie award, the most coveted award won by judges in the universe. First, we have Judge Susan, from the Office of Due Process and Appeals on Rom 9, “We due process appeals”- hey, I do not read tag lines, I told my producer that. I don’t know how that line got in the script here. Someone’s fired, is all I can say. But anyway, I see here that Judge Susan is also from Meeporp… hmm, Yuri, I hope there will be no favoritism shown here for your fellow Meeporpian!!

Yuri: coughing uncontrollably

Pat: Are you okay?

Judge Susan: He’ll be fine...

Pat: Were you being spoken to, Judge Susan?? Please, if you think it is easy to keep half a dozen judges under control on this show, then I welcome you to come up here to try and host. It’s no cakewalk being Pat Flapjack, I promise you that!!

Judge Susan: I apologize.

Pat: Apology accepted. Now, let’s meet our second contestant. From the very popular universal broadcast show, Dancing in the Stars, it’s Judge Bear Knickersoff. Seems like a different type of judge than our usual type competing for the Judgie Award, but we wish him the best of luck. Yes, Judge Knickersoff, you can just pirouette into your seat there. Thank you. And finally, let’s meet our third contestant, from the Outer Limits, a Civil and Uncivil Court judge for more than 30 karflugons who has resolved more than 100,000 disputes in her time on the bench, it’s Judge Judy Schenker. Welcome, Judge Judy.

Judge Judy: Thank you, plenty.

Pat: All right, let’s get right into our first round where we play a little game called, “You be the Judge.”

Judge Knickersoff: Hayyy-yaaa!!

KICK sound

Judge Judy: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!! My bosoms!!!

Pat: What in the greater nebula do you think you’re doing, Judge Knickersoff?? Did you just kick Judge Judy?

Judge Judy: He kicked me in my bosoms!!

Pat: Oh no!!

Judge K: I’m sorry… I thought you said the game was “You beat the Judge”... so I wanted to get a jump on the competition here.

Pat: Oh my word!! I think I need a ruling from my producer here… is he disqualified? Yes… he kicked another contestant. He says he misheard the name of the game, but still I never said start… yes, ok, folks, it looks like Judge Knickersoff has been disqualified. Please say goodbye-

Judge K: (as he’s being taken away) What?? This is an outrage! I’ll be filing an appeal! I’ll see you in court!

Pat: Well, you’re a reality show judge so I’m not too afraid… and not quite sure what he was doing here in the first place. OK, then, so we’re down to two contestants: Judge Judy and Judge Susan. Let’s play our Round 1 game of “You be the judge”... so no kicking allowed (nervous laugh)... now the first question posed to both judges is an oldie but a goodie, the question is: “Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?” Judge Judy, you’re up first.

JJ: Well… having actually loved and… sniff lost before… and I’m not referring to my late husband but to my former pet shizukhan, Klaffie, who was just an adorable and faithful little companion… in other words, the opposite of my husband, I would say it is far better to have experienced love, despite the emptiness that follows the loss of that loved one, than never to have experienced love at all. Call me a romantic.

Pat: I will call you a romantic, Judge Judy! And maybe I’ll call you later as well.

JJ: Don’t tease me, Pat!

Pat: Only if you want me to!

JJ: Oh!! giggles

Pat: Anyhooter… I mean anyhoo… over to you, Judge Susan. Same question.

JS: What was the question? Sorry, I got distracted by your obvious flirtation with the other contestant.

Pat: And what’s it to you, Susan?? Remember I’m not on trial here… you are! The question was, “Is it better to have loved and lost-”

JS: Oh, yes, I remember now. Yeah I’ll take the better to have never loved at all. Because who needs it? I got my 25-function easy recliner chair at home with a built-in massage parlor experience, if you catch my drift, and that way you don’t get your heart involved and broken in the end.

Pat: Oh… well, okay then. Let’s go to our judges… and by that, I mean our judges judging the contestant judges and deciding which judge will win the Judgie. They have entered their scores, and it looks like Judge Judy has the early lead!! Scoring a near perfect 9 out of 10 from both Judge Backgammon and Judge Kartonomo and just a 3 from Judge Yuri… well apparently Judge Yuri had things going the other way, as he gave Judge Susan a perfect 10 on that response, but the score after our first question in Round 1 is 21 points for Judge Judy and 14 for Judge Susan. Ok, moving on to the next question in our You Be the Judge Round: how many jellygurts are in this jar? Just enter your guesses onto your holo-pads there and this is a winner take all question where the closest guess gets 10 points.

JS: Can you turn the jar around please?

Pat: Can we what? Well fine… yes, I suppose my assistant could do that. Notso, wake up!

Notso: What?

Pat: Turn the jar that you are holding around a bit. No, not you, don’t turn yourself around… just the jar… oh, Notso… did you forget to zip up your dress again?

JJ: Is she okay? Perhaps she needs some sort of medical attention-

Pat: No, there’s a team of doctors backstage that have gotten her to this point. Notso, you can just turn the jar around a bit, so that our contestant judges can see that it’s chock full of jellygurts. Ok, both have entered their guesses now… let’s see what they entered. Judge Judy entered zero! Care to explain, Judy?

JJ: Well, those don’t look like jellygurts to me. They look more like buzzwaggles. So I thought it was a trick question.

Pat: Oh-ho!! You are on your guard there, Judge, but unfortunately you are wrong. Those are jellygurts.

JJ: Sonuva-

Pat: Ok, let’s see what Judge Susan entered… he’s almost guaranteed a win here. He put 400… not a bad guess. The actual number was 666, for no reason whatsoever. But it looks like Judge Susan guessed closest and takes the lead with a total of 24 points! Isn’t this exciting? And just when things are getting going, we have to pause from a word for our sponsor. We’ll be back with Round 2 of the Judgie Awards, right after this.

Hank’s Wholesale Holes Ad #20210422

Hank: Oh… well, hello there, this is Hank of Hank’s Wholesale Holes here in the middle of what looks like oblivion to me, and I guess I’m here to tell you… well I don’t even quite know what to tell you, as I seem to have stepped into one of my black holes which apparently went from a dormant state to a very non-dormant state, and before I knew what happened I wound up here, seemingly in outer space but with a microphone and a recording booth and a producer handing me a script and saying “We’re rolling”... so I started reading this here script and this is what it says… sort of a self-referential script, isn’t it? But anyway, I’m here, I suppose, to tell you about my little store back on Earth, which is in the Milky Way galaxy or so it says here, we’re the third planet from the sun… er… not sure what you all might call that sun or star, but for us we just call it “the sun” because it’s the only one around, I guess. Unless you count John Denver in his heyday, may he rest in peace… that man was about as close to the sun as a human can get, in my book anyway. But he flew too close to it, I guess. Even an angel loses his wings sometimes. Is that the expression? I don’t know. Anyway, I sell holes, all types of holes, pigeon holes, cubby holes, round holes with a set square pegs, square holes with a set of round pegs, and occasionally round holes with a set of round pegs for those of you with OCD, sometimes I’m forced to keep those in stock. Watering holes, moth holes, gopher holes, rabbit holes, and even black holes, which is how I got here, I guess. Say, does anyone here know how to get back to where I started after passing through a black hole, or is that impossible? I know Hilda was making roast beef tonight and I sure wouldn’t want to miss that. She does cook up a tender brisket. Well, I can see a blinking red light, so I think that might mean I’m out of time. Come on by to Hank’s Wholesale Holes, and tell ‘em Hank sent you, and that’ll be good for a whole five percent off any purchase of two holes or more. Thank you, and hope to see you… and my home planet… soon.

Resume Judgie Awards (In Progress)

Pat: Well, is that a new sponsor? Quite an interesting one… but I guess beggars can’t be choosers, am I right? We’re going down the tubes, as an awards show, let’s face it. What? We’re back on the air? We’re live now? Welcome back, everyglooby!! Welcome!! If you missed Round 1, well words cannot describe the drama and excitement we’ve already seen. But you’re just in time for Round 2, the talent portion of our contest. Judge Judy, you’re up first, and it says here that you are going to juggle space chickens while gargling lava!!! Is that true?!?!

JJ: Well… I’m going to try.

Pat: Do you mean to tell me you haven’t tried this before?

JJ: Well, it’s go big or go home, right?

Pat: Wow, what a competitor, folks! Ok, we have what look like three- no four- very healthy space chickens here-

chicken noises

Pat: And a molten hot cup of lava… and, oh my comets, she’s putting the cup to her lips now… Judge, have you done this before? That could be very painful…

JJ: slurp Oooooorrrrggggggggllll!!!

Pat: Oh my, she did it. And now she’s picking up the chickens… and-

chicken noises and JJ’s painful gargling noises

Pat: She’s got three… now four chickens in the air… and she’s gargling lava, ladies and glurts! Oh my!!!

JJ: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!! spitting sound

chicken sounds as they fall to the floor and scurry off

Pat: Oh goodness, are you okay, Judge Judy?

JJ: raspy wheezing whisper Not really…

Pat: What an effort!! If she survives this, she’s sure to rake in the points for that unique and possibly never to be repeated talent. Okay, while Judge Judy receives some medical attention, let’s go to Judge Susan, who it says here is going to read some spoken word poetry. Judge Susan… take it away!

JS: Indians scattered on dawn's highway bleeding… Ghosts crowd the young child's fragile Egg-shell mind… Blood in the streets in the town of New Haven. Blood stains the roofs And the palm trees of Venice. Blood in my love In the terrible summer. Bloody red sun of Fantastic L.A… Blood screams her brain As they chop off her fingers!!

Pat: Okay, hold on-

JS: Blood will be born in the birth of a nation…

Pat: Wait a minute-

JS: Blood is the rose of mysterious union…

Pat: That’s enough, Judge Susan. Now while I’ve never heard this before, my producer is telling me we’re now in violation of some sort of copyright law from some distant corner of the universe, and I must ask you to stop.

JS: I was done anyway.

Pat: Fine, now let’s put it to our judges to score what was a very eventful Round 2. I see them entering their scores now. And… here we go, let’s reveal the scores. Oh my! A convincing win for Judge Judy, with 25 more points, bringing her total to 46. Judge Susan, on the other hand, for his foray into copyright infringement, was awarded just 16 more points, including another big vote of confidence from Judge Yuri, who gave him another perfect 10 out of 10. Judge Yuri, care to enlighten us with your take on the two performances?

Yuri: What? Oh well… I was quite moved by the stirring words of Judge Morrison, I mean, Judge Susan… you could say it stirred my soul.

Pat: And you were unimpressed by Judge Judy’s juggling and scorched larynx?

Yuri: Well, you see, I’m allergic to space chickens, so…

Pat: He’s a strange one, Judge Yuri… but who am I to judge a judge? That’s what our Judgie Judges are here to do… and off we go into our final round… what? What’s that? Oh my dear… Judge Judy is nonresponsive? But can she complete the contest? Responding is something she would have to do to complete the contest? I see. Oh my… I had barely noticed that Judge Judy is now lying prone on a stretcher and being removed from her podium… oh dear… okay, well then... the current score is 46 points for Judge Judy and 40 points for Judge Susan. It looks like Judge Susan will need to complete Round 3 by himself, and if he scores more than 6 points he will be crowned the winner!

Yuri: Yes!!!

Pat: Who said that? Was that you Judge Yuri?

JS: It was me, Pat, sorry. I got a bit excited.

Pat: Okay, because our judges… meaning our Judgie judges, not the contestant judges, need to be completely impartial, lest this whole contest end in a mistrial. We can’t have that happen again! Every other Judgie gets appealed or ends in a mistrial and has to be re-competed or heard by a higher court… it’s just a long, tangled mess that frankly the audience hasn’t the time for, hence our abysmal ratings and my near default on my second mortgage… oh why!!!! Why!!

Notso: Why not?

awkward silence

Pat: We’re still on the air? Yes, I know that. Okay, the show must go on. For Round 3, we will ask you, Judge Susan, our last contestant standing, one question, and you will be able to phone a friend, or in this case, one lucky audience member will be allowed to dial-in and help you sort out the answer. So audience members, you may call in now, and we’ll take the 100th caller… no, better make it the 10th caller to help Judge Susan answer this riddle: I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. What am I?

JS: How is this judging my judgeship, answering a silly riddle? I’ve spent 9,000 karflugons on the bench, and this award is coming down to some inane wordplay…

Pat: Well remember, Judge Susan, you will have some help here. Let’s meet our lucky 10th caller, who it says here is named C.D… no, excuse me, that’s C.C. Mcgraw. C.C., are you with us?

static noises

JS: Oh super…

C.C.: Lemme just turn the dial a bit here… you sorta hafta tune in Tokyo to get this contraption to work… hello? Can you hear me?

JS: Yes, C.C., this is Judge Susan… I can hear you.

C.C.: Well wouldja you look at that?? I knew this old C.B. radio worked two ways… not unlike my favorite waitress down at the diner, who could also work two ways if you know what I mean.

JS: C.C., sir, we are on a live universal broadcast and I am a sitting judge, so I recommend you curtail your indelicacies this instant!

C.C.: Oh now well I’m sorry about that, your highness. I was just so excited I got through… I’ve been listening to the show and well frankly I was rooting for Judge Judy after she pulled that stunt with the chickens and the lava… I wish I could’ve seen it, but my old radio here did it justice just the same.

JS: If you could stop your jabbering and focus on the problem at hand… do you have any ideas about the riddle?

C.C.: Any ideas about the little? The little what?

JS: The riddle!! I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. What am I?

C.C.: What are you? Why, you’re a judge, ain’t you? I think that’s the whole point of this show, from what I gathered… now I’m not sure about all that gobbledegook you said before that…

JS: Oh goodness, could I have Notso Bright help me instead?

Notso: Whaaaaaat? Hi, I’m Notso Bright!

Pat: You do seem to be stuck between a quasar and a sun there, Judge. You have just 30 seconds left to answer the riddle. Try to work it out with your partner, C.C., there-

JS: Thirty seconds!! A time limit would’ve been a good thing to announce at the beginning of this round.

Pat: Are you telling me how to do my job??

JS: Yes!!

Pat: Judges, deduct two points from his total for insulting the host! That’s my prerogative as host! It’s in my contract!!

JS: What??

Pat: Judge Susan now needs 9 points to win the award… a near perfect score on this round.

JS: Arrrrrgghhhhh!!!

C.C.: Now the way I see it, Susie, something can’t be both the beginning of the end and the end of time and space. I mean if it’s the beginning one second and the end the next, well that just doesn’t make sense. And then it’s essential to creation, and it surrounds every place. I mean this just sounds like it’s not a real thing to me… sounds like some sort of trickeroo…

JS: That’s why it’s called a riddle, you imbecile.

C.C.: Now, I’m not sure I like your tone there, Judge-

JS: Oh, of course!! It’s the letter “e”!!!

C.C.: No, that’s not it-... that’s not our final answer, Pat.

JS: Yes it is!! That’s our final answer! I know it’s right!

Pat: Now the two of you have to agree…

JS: What??

C.C.: Right, see, we’re a team in this, Judgeroo, and if you just listen for a sec-

JS: No, we’re not a team, I’m up for the Judgie Award here and I’m the judge and I’ll make the final decision!

C.C.: Oh, now excuse me, your royalness, but I just heard the show’s host say that we both have to agree-

JS: You can’t do this to me!! I’ve worked so hard!!

C.C.: Now don’t get your robes all in a bunch, Susan.

JS: It is Judge Susan to you!! Not Susan, not Susie…

C.C.: Ok, JS, now just calm down. Let’s figure this out. What did you say you thought the answer was?

JS: sigh I know now that the answer is the letter “e”. It’s the first letter in the word “end”, it’s the last letter in “time” and “space”-

C.C.: Now I thought there was just a brick wall at the end of space.

Yuri: He’s right about that… at the edge of the universe, it’s just a massive brick wall. I’ve seen it.

Pat: Silence, Judge Yuri! There’s no participating in the conversation as a Judgie judge.

JS: Yeah, whose side are you on, anyway??

Pat: Well, as a Judgie judge he cannot be on anyone’s side. Are you implying he’s on your side?? Are you implying you’ve stacked the Judgie awards panel with this Judge Yuri in exchange for a favorable decision on some matter over which you have jurisdiction? Are you implying a quid pro quo here that would compromise the integrity of these Judgie awards and force it to end in a mistrial?

JS: No, sir, I am not implying any of that.

Pat: Oh, well good. Because I would have been VERY disappointed in both of you, Judge Susan and Judge Yuri.

Yuri: more uncontrollable coughing

C.C.: Well as I believe ole Hamlet was known to have said, “Something smells like rotten fish here at the Aramark!” That’s why I stopped shopping there… their produce is no good neither.

JS: Oh my, can I just please submit our answer, C.C., as the letter “e”?

C.C.: Well don’t let me stand in your way… you’re the Judge. It’s as good an answer as any, I guess.

JS: That’s our answer, Pat. The letter “e”.

Pat: Ok, Judge Susan. Let’s put it to our judges-

JS: What is there to judge?? It’s either the answer or it’s not!

Pat: Who is hosting the show, Judge Susan? Can you answer me that question, for a total of 2 points?

JS: You are.

Pat: Thank you. But I was kidding about the points. Ok, let’s have the judges enter their scores for Round 3. They will be judging not just the final answer but how Judge Susan and his audience partner arrived at the answer.

JS: (exasperated): Ohhhhhh my.

Pat: Another outburst from you, Judge Susan, and I will be forced to feed you to a dying sun!!

JS: You couldn’t do that!!

Pat: Oh, I very well could. Check the contestant agreement and waivers you signed.

JS: But nobody reads those!!!

Yuri: Tell me about it: we’ve been trying to communicate with the Lurflings via our application user agreement on the Lurfian interweb, and we’ve received not one, single response!

JS and Pat: Shut up!!

Pat: Ok, the judge’s scores are coming in now. It looks like it may be close. Judge Susan gains just 3 points from Judge Kartonomo. And it looks like another 3 points from Judge Backgammon. He now needs at least 3 points from Judge Yuri to win the award, otherwise it goes to the late Judge Judy, may she rest in peace. My condolences to her family. Perhaps we should have a moment of silence for-

JS: Oh my pulsars, could we just get on with it?!?!

Pat: Never… in all my karflugons of hosting the Judgie Awards… have I been rooting against a contestant as much as I’m rooting against you, Judge Susan. And I think I speak for the Judgie Judges and the entire viewing audience when I say-

Yuri: I award him four points for Round 3. He’s a despicable character, as we all have seen, but he did indeed get the right answer, with only a modicum of help from that strange C.C. fellow.

C.C.: I’m still on the line, folks, and I do not appreciate that descriptor, Mr. Yuri, is it?

Yuri: It’s Yurishi-

Pat: Silence!! Cut the audience call-in line please!! My comets, what an exercise in fluidity this is turning out to be.

JS: I believe it’s an exercise in futility-

Pat: Oh is it?? Well congratulations, because you’ve won this exercise in fetid stupidity. Judge Susan has won the Judgie Award and will advance to the universal championship round. Hooray for him, and too bad for the rest of the known universe. I’m Pat Flapjack saying so long, perhaps forever, as I really can’t see myself hosting this thing ever again! Notso, pack up our bags, we’re flying straight to Fan-Shooey for a much needed holiday!!

Notso: Hi! I’m Notso Bright!

end of segment music

Reinstatement

Yuri: Well, Judge Susan, congratulations. That was quite a performance.

JS: Yes, well you did keep up your end of the bargain… but we will be keeping our many eyes on you two, Yuri and Guri. And it turns out we’re running a bit low on spaceships, what with our Meeporpian offensive against the infringement of the Kardashicons in the asteroid belt near Rom 3. So I suppose you can just keep this StarRunner you’ve found here-

Yuri: Yes, about that, we could really use some fuel and a repair technician-

JS: But I’ve got to run. I’ve got the universal Judgie championship to prepare for now! Toodle-dee-doo!!

Yuri: No, wait!! Arrrggghh!! He’s gone.

Guri: Toodle-dee-doo? Since when is that a Meeporpian signoff?

Yuri: He is a strange one.

Shipward: Hi guys, what’d I miss?

Guri: Oh my comets, Shipward, where to begin??

Yuri: Well aside from being reinstated in our former command, we’re back where we started, with a broken ship, and facing imminent danger from Gorgon Zola-

Guri: We still don’t know our mission… we’re being terrorized by young hummus beans…

Shipward: Well, I think I can help solve all of your problems, guys.

Yuri: What? How?

THEEND

Guri: What? No!! Not now, Theend!! Shipward was just about to really help us.

THEEND keeps interrupting and they can’t have a meaningful conversation…

THEEND: Who put THEEND there? Right at a crucial spot?” It’s a cliffhanger? What’s a cliffhanger? Like a cavedweller? Ah the cliffhangers were the mortal enemies of the cavedwellers, way back in time.

podcast, Season_OneYuriApril 26, 2021