Episode 19: It's All Relative

Check out the alternate version of this episode in Techni-Text™ below:

Episode 19: It’s All Relative

Opens to Angie on acoustic guitar, Shipward starts singing along

Yuri: Shipward!! What did we talk about before with you going in the hallway??

Shipward: No, this time I was just singing…

Yuri and Shipward ad lib from there about how it’s impossible to sing along with bathroom noises, but perhaps it isn’t for a Toshiban, who hears them more like the Lurfians do, as music

Guri: What’s all the ruckus about out here? Can’t a Meeporpian go in peace these days?

Yuri: Apparently Shipward thought it was a sing-a-long…

Guri: Singing to bathroom noises… well that’s interesting.

Yuri: Yes, we’ve been thru this just now… let’s not revisit it, shall we?

Guri: Revisit the vacuum toilet? No, I don’t recommend that! You’ll want to give it a few klangons… maybe a whole karflugon. I had some bad boat food last night.

Yuri: Oh? You haven’t fallen off the cargo ship again, have you?

Guri: No, no… I didn’t eat the boat. Well maybe a little, but I was assembling the ingredients and just getting ready to push them out to sea, and then I thought, why wait? It all looks so delicious…

Yuri: Do you need to call your sponsor again? I’ll give you some time off…

Guri: No, I’m fine-

Hank: Did someone say sponsor? This is Hank, from Hank’s Wholesale Holes…

Guri: What? Captain, who is this? And how did he get on board??

Yuri: Well, I don’t know! Shipward, have we had any forced or unforced entries?

Shipward: I’m not sure how to answer that… Shipweena, would you care to help me out here?

Shipweena: giggling Oh, Shippy… you’re bad.

Hank: Am I interrupting something here? Truth be told, I’m not quite sure how I got here either… I’ve been trying to get back to where I started through this black hole here…

Guri: Great comet tails!! He’s got a black hole!! Put on your relativity suits, everyone!!

Yuri: I must ask you to halt right there, Hank, and please do not make any sudden moves!

Guri: Is this that Hank guy from those guys who sponsor our podcast and the guy who sponsored the Judgie Awards last episode? I thought he was a normal sized hummus bean… how would he be fitting inside our ship right now??

Yuri: That’s a very good question… for the writers!

Shipward: Well, he looks like he’s just a bit... compressed…

Hank: And I feel compressed… that’s just the word for it. I uh… don’t much enjoy traveling through this here black hole, but I feel like that’s the only way I might be able to get back to Earth.

Guri: Earth you say… hmmm…

Yuri: We happen to be exploring a relatively unknown little rock called Lurf at the moment, and that’s where you are now, Hank. But I’m not sure about Earth…

Shipward: Captain, I believe I tried to correct you and Guri on your pronunciation of this planet a while ago but have long since given up. But Lurf, as you call it, is Earth.

Yuri: What?? You’ve never corrected us before! I would remember that!

Shipward: Should I check the logs?

Yuri: No! No need for that. And anyway, Earth just sounds silly. We call it Lurf.

Guri: Yeah, we wouldn’t spend so much time in a place called Earth. What do you take us for, a couple of jackdoozles?

Shipward: Do I have to answer that question?

Hank: Well uh… that’s great news if I understood you all correctly and I’m actually back on Earth right now. If you could let me out and point me in the right direction towards Route 66 outside of Sioux City, I should be able to find my wife and friends. They’re probably wondering where I am by now.

Guri: Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, Hank, but are you familiar with something you call a ladybug?

Hank: Why sure, every time I see one, I make a wish and blow a kiss, and it’s supposed to bring you good luck.

Guri: Well right now you’re about the size of a ladybug’s toe.

Hank: Oh, ladybugs don’t have toes, uh… what did you say your name was?

Guri: I’m Guri.

Yuri: Yes, perhaps we could handle the introductions by way of welcoming our listeners to another episode of the podcast, before we get too far into the story here. Welcome, everyone, to the 19th episode of Greetings Lurflings… notice I said Lurflings. I am your host and ship’s captain, Yurishi AllaWannaBingBang… good one, writers, but that’s not going to distract me from moving on to introducing my very, very distant, exceedingly remote second in command, a complete fool if there ever was one, a Mr. Gurishi OverTroubledWaters.

Guri: singing And like a bridge…

Yuri: Meeporpians can’t sing, remember?

Guri: Sorry!

Yuri: And this jack of just a few trades and master of some over here is our walking Ship’s computer, Shipward.

Shipward: Hello 2000.

Yuri: Are you just throwing a number after a word to make yourself sound like a computer?

Guri: Aha!! Yes, remember in all those Lurfian films from what they call the 1980s that we watched on our voyage here, where the hummus beans were always tacking the number 2000 to the end of something to make it sound futuristic… maybe it’s Shipward 2000.

Yuri: Yes, well, we thought Shipward was an actual ship’s computer on our last ship, and now you can see why.

Shipward: Does not compute.

Yuri: And finally, we seem to be joined here today by one of our show’s sponsors but also, apparently, a real hummus bean here on Lurf, Hank… do we know your last name, Hank?

Guri: I’m not sure we do… I’d have to check the old scripts-

Hank: It’s Holbrook. Hank Holbrook of Hank’s Wholesale Holes.

Guri: Ah… of course. Or that sounds right anyway.

Yuri: So this is fascinating. Hank seems to have been shrunk and compressed to just a tiny fraction of his former size, and he’s sort of a rounded cube shape… and yet all of his vital signs and all of his functioning are still intact? Shipward, can you run some tests?

Shipward: Well, with Shipweena back online, you could ask her too, you know.

Yuri: Is she back online? Fully back? Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything?

Shipweena: I am ready for your command, Captain. Do you want me to bark like a dog? Or whinny like a horse?

Yuri: What?

Shipward: Sorry, Captain, she still seems to be stuck in a mode I programmed her into last night… this might take a bit of re-coding…

Yuri: Oh my heavens-

Guri: We are so close to having a functioning, top-of-the-line spaceship! So close!!! Shipward, you’re a bad computer!! Bad!!

Hank: I had a top-of-the-line functioning automobile once called an Oldsmobile Eighty-eight, all silver, with black trim, leather seats, power windows-

Guri: Power windows?? What are those?? We just learned about windows a few episodes ago. What do power windows do?? Do they shoot rays of energy?

Hank: Well, they just go up and down at the push of a button.

Guri: Oh… well how else would the windows open and close?

Hank: Well in the old days we used to have to use a little elbow grease and roll them up and down with a lever-like handle that you’d turn in circles one way or the other.

Guri: A mechanical device? How primitive!!

Yuri: Primitive but effective, Guri. Here we are grounded in a top of the line spaceship because we lack the correct programming code at the moment… Shipward: Captain, we’re receiving another embroidery on the intergalactic throwdown channel-

Yuri: Oh no-

Shipward: Yeah, it’s from your new best friend, Gorgon Zola.

Yuri: Well go ahead… what’s it say?

Shipward: It reads, “Captain NoButt-

Guri: Oo, that stings!

Shipward: “This is your final warning: Comply with my demand or die!”

Yuri: How dare you threaten me, Shipward?? It’s one thing for you to be a wise-cracking, borderline disobedient computer, but quite another-

Guri: Captain, I think he was just reading the rest of the embroidery-

Shipward: Yes, Captain, that was the rest of the embroidered message. I would never give you any warning before engaging in violence.

Yuri: Oh well good… wait, what?? You still seem to be threatening me. Doesn’t that sound threatening and insubordinate, Guri? Am I going crazy here?

Guri: No, I see your point…

Shipward: I’m not saying I’ve contemplated this, Captain. As a Toshiban, I’m nonviolent by nature and only fight when backed into a corner or when I find myself at a space rodeo, or especially if I find myself backed into a corner at a space rodeo.

Guri: Well who wouldn’t fight then? I mean there’s not much of a choice…

Shipward: I just meant that if I were to want to engage in violence, I wouldn’t broadcast it in advance, as that would serve no purpose and only put my enemy on guard.

Yuri: Ah, so maybe you’re saying this Gorgon Zola doesn’t really want to fight me. Because he’s given us all of this warning... he might really wish to avoid a physical encounter!

Guri: Well, right, he just wants his 80% take of our meager mining production of flattery, which isn’t anything to fly home about to begin with.

Yuri: It’s write home about, the expression.

Guri: Yes, but flattery powers our ship’s strongly-held-sentiment drive, so it was a play on words, Captain.

Hank: I uh.. hate to interrupt this stellar, or should I say interstellar bit of dialogue, but-

Guri: Nice one, Hank!

Hank: But can you help me get to Sioux City or can you just show me the door and I’ll take my chances on the outside? At least I’ll be back on Earth.

Guri: You’ll be squashed or eaten in an instant, Hank, out there at your size without any of our superior intelligence or technology.

Hank: Am I really the size of a ladybug? I feel fine…

Shipward: I’ve performed a scan of your bodily functions, Hank, and the black hole does seem to have kept everything intact despite the massive compression.

Yuri: Shipward, since you’re so good at programming things, is there a way to adjust the settings on Hank’s black hole, there, to restore him to his normal size and, to save us some flattery, transport him to Sioux City?

Shipward: Well, I’ve never tried to reprogram a black hole before, but I do like a challenge.

Guri: Have you ever watched the program, Black Hole, though? Was that a Lurfian movie or one of their broadcast television series? I can’t recall…

Hank: Funny you should mention that -- my father was actually an art director for Walt Disney and he worked on that Black Hole movie back in the late seventies. I remember him coming home from work one night with a present for me, and my mom, said, “Oh, Harold, the last thing he needs is another useless gift” to which my Dad replied, “Dammit, Marge, I’ll give him whatever I want to!” which sent my mother away in tears, and made me almost cry too, but he gave me a look that said, “Don’t you dare!” and so I didn’t. Anyway, he had brought me back the Black Hole movie poster which he had designed, I guess, and he hung it in my room… it made me so scared! Because I was just 5 or 6 years old, and a black hole sounded like a scary place to me. I guess that’s maybe what first planted the seed for my whole hole business though.

Guri: What an excellent bit of backstory! Oh the writers have really outdone themselves here.

Hank: What’s a backstory? What are you talking about?

Guri: Does he not know he’s a character in a podcast? That all of his world’s a stage, and he’s but merely a player…?

Shipward: Well, I think I’ve about got it. I’ve reprogrammed his black hole, and while I’m fairly certain it will restore him to his proper size and shape, I’m not quite sure if all of his internal organs will survive the rapid expansion.

Guri: Well, that sounds like an acceptable risk.

Hank: What? Now just hold on a second… I need all my internal organs, I believe…

Shipward: He’s right. Let me see if I can localize all of the distress into one of the less needed organs. Let’s see here… what don’t you need?

Guri: Hummus beans have those useless butt cheeks-

Shipward: It’s got to be an internal organ, Guri.

Guri: Oh, I see. Well, they’ve only got two eyes and only one brain. Only one stomach. Ah, two kidneys!! I’m sure Hank can do without one of those!

Hank: Oh my… am I going to wake up in a tub of ice missing a kidney? I always thought those stories were made up...

Shipward: Well perhaps it’s the sign of an alien taking a shortcut, but we’re not planning to be so cavalier. I think you might have something even more useless than a kidney. Tell me, Hank, did you ever have your appendix removed?

THEEND: Appendix?!?! My old friend!!!

Guri: No, Theend, not now!! This is nowhere near the right place for you in the script!!

THEEND: But I heard you say, Appendix… I thought this was my cue!

Guri: No, no… you’re way off!! But I see how you could think otherwise… it’s just a mixup, it’s okay. You can come back later, okay?

THEEND: Will Appendix be here then?

Guri: We’ll ask him to come then too, yes.

THEEND: Okay! Me sorry! Me go back to making space pudding! Bye bye!

Guri: Ooh, space pudding. I see Theend is branching out a bit from cookies. Okay, where were we?

Shipward: I was asking Hank if he ever had his appendix removed.

Hank: Uhh, no, I never had that removed. I never got that home appendectomy kit I wanted for Christmas… had my heart set on that too…

Shipward: Well, that’s good. I’ll just program all of the possible distortions to be localized in your appendix, and we should be good to go.

THEEND: Me sorry, me sorry… me on my way out, me leaving, but me heard you say “Appendix” again and me just wanted to make sure-

Guri: No, Theend, you’re still way off!! Go away!

Yuri: Goodness, that THEEND is really disruptive in the middle of an episode. I can see why they usually put him at the end.

Shipward: Shouldn’t take much longer to finish the black hole programming here. It uses the ancient language of Fortran, but luckily I’m well-versed in over 3 million programming languages.

Guri: Ok, C3PO, calm down.

Yuri: That is just excellent. The sooner we can send Hank on his way, the sooner we can return to the matters at hand, which I seem to have misplaced now… I had them in my hand just a while ago… Guri?

Guri: You mean fixing our broken spaceship, reprogramming Shipweena, paying off Gorgon Zola, and escaping the grasp of The Runyan?

Yuri: Yes, those matters at hand! Thank you, I don’t know how I could forget them… I should record them in a Captain’s log perhaps…

Shipward: Captain, we’re ready to send Hank through his black hole, if we’ve got everything secure in here.

Yuri: I believe we do, and we’ve got our relativity suits on, which do accentuate our six stomachs nicely, don’t you think?

Guri: This isn’t a fashion show, Captain, in fact it’s an audio podcast and no one can see us.

Yuri: How I do miss being on universal broadcast! I’m sure my fans already miss me. Okay, Shipward, we’re a go here.

Shipward: Okay, now, Hank, you’re going to want to activate your black hole and jump in.

Guri: So long, Hank! I have a feeling we might run into you again, before our mission is up here on Lurf.

Hank: So long, Guri and everyone. You’ve all been right kind, and I thank you for your assistance. Hilda, here I come!!

ZAP WHOOSH

end of segment music

C.C.’s HOUSE OF SAWS AD #20210429

C.C.: …and so like I told the other adjuster you all sent out here, these here were priceless saw blades. Well sure, they had prices on them, but those were just made up numbers, and they don’t reflect the real value-

ZAP WHOOOSH

Hank: Oh uh… whoa! Wha- what happened?

C.C.: Hank!! Why there you are, you little devil!! You had us worried sick!! Especially Dennis… he couldn’t stop throwing up!

Hank: Oh really?

Dennis: That was more from inhaling too much smoke, I think… but we did miss you, Hank. Where were you?

Hank: Well, it’s a funny thing, I-

C.C.: Now hold onto that thought, Hank. As we were just in the middle of explaining to our insurance adjuster here how irreplaceable all of our wares were before they were lost in this here tragic tent fire-... a work of the devil that none of could have foreseen or prevented...

Ins. Adjuster: Now, again, you say your wares were irreplaceable. But weren’t you in the business of selling these wares? And doesn’t every business replace its stock regularly, and therefore by definition, your merchandise is replaceable.

C.C.: I don’t know what sort of witchcraft is coming out of your mouth right now, but I don’t like it, and I’d much prefer if I could talk to that friendly, easy-going turtle that sold me on your insurance company… you know, the one from the commercials? Where is he?

Adjuster: Well, that’s just a creation of our advertising and marketing department, it’s not a real-

C.C.: Do you mean to tell me there is no Terry the Turtle? He promised to tuck me into his shell, in such a time as this. Whereas you, sir, are a disgrace to the Shell Insurance company!

Adjuster: I’m just doing my job-

C.C.: Hank, can you believe this? He’s saying there’s no Terry the Turtle!

Hank: Well, I’m not sure anyone really believed there was a real, talking turtle that sold insurance, C.C…

C.C.: You’re not sure that anyone really believed-... how are you not sure of that, Hank, when I’m telling you that I believed there really was a talking turtle named Terry who liked nothing more than to set people’s minds at ease by selling them dependable insurance. I mean science can work wonders these days. I didn’t think a talking turtle was outside the realm of possibility.

Adjuster: Look, I’m sorry to disappoint you but I do need to fill in this itemized list for your claim to arrive at a dollar estimate of your losses.

C.C.: Fine, that’s just fine. Just leave it with me. The boys and I will fill it out, but I’m telling you right now you will just end up adding priceless plus priceless plus priceless and you’ll get a sum total of… you guessed it, priceless!

Adjuster: Well now, that’s not gonna work-

C.C.: Just get on your way and tell Terry I want to talk with him personally. He can call me. I don’t need to see him.

Adjuster: Are you implying I should just call you back tomorrow and pretend I’m Terry and you’ll be more reasonable?

C.C.: Maybe, now get!!! We have work to do here!! Some of this mess is salvageable! Dennis, were you able to find your rare bits?

Dennis: I did find some of my specialty bits and they survived the fire and heat okay. See they come in this protective case.

Hank: Oo, that’s nice…

C.C.: Now, Hank, where did you run off to? We hadn’t seen hide nor hair of you since the fire.

Hank: Well, it’s the darndest thing, I seem to have slipped thru one of my black holes-

C.C.: Hold that thought, Hank. I think I see that inspector snooping around here again… is that him? Where’d he go? He was just over there by the smoldering tent pole a second ago…

Inspector Ash: C.C. McGraw, we meet again.

C.C.: startled Whoa! There you are, sneaking up on us, I see. You are quite stealthy, Inspector … but I guess that comes with the territory.

Ash: No, not really. I’m not a detective… most of the action has already happened by the time I’m on the scene. That is, unless, arson is suspected.

C.C.: sudden coughing A-ho!! Excuse me! Must’ve been that smoke I inhaled when I was bravely trying to fight the fire with siphoned water from a drinking hole.

Ash: Your heroism did not go unnoticed. Now, I have just a few questions if you don’t mind for you and your partner here… Dennis is it?

C.C.: No, Dennis wandered off it seems… this here is Hank…

Hank: Howdy, sir, Hank Holbrook of Hank’s Wholesale Holes. Say that’s a mighty nice shirt you’ve got on… now, I don’t suppose you need some new buttonholes for that shirt? I managed to salvage some just now and I’ve slashed the price… sort of a fire sale, if you will.

Ash: No, thank you, my shirt has all the buttonholes it needs, and pleased to meet you, Hank, I’m Inspector Ash.

Hank: Yeah, there’s not too much call for buttonholes these days. Now pocket holes on the other hand, we do a brisk business there, what with all the faux pockets included as decoration, I guess, on some clothes. Oh, an inspector, did you say? Are we under suspicion of any wrongdoing here? Because I do have an alibi, you see, I was transported by one of my black holes-

C.C.: Now why would one of us, the owners of a thriving House and Den and Drills, Saws and Holes, try to set it on fire??

Ash: Now all I’m trying to do here is cover all of the bases and just record the simple facts. As with any fire, we have to consider all of the possibilities, from faulty electrical wiring, to carelessness with an open flame, to a chemical reaction or spontaneous combustion, to the power of suggestion and possibility of misinterpretation from listening to the Doors’ song, Come on Baby Light My Fire, to the possibility of some criminal action by disgruntled employees, and, of course, insurance fraud.

C.C.: more coughing

Hank: Disgruntled employees -- you don’t think one of those acting student interns of yours, C.C., could’ve done this?

Ash: No, we questioned them all already down at the hospital.

Hank: Oh… at the hospital?? Are they okay?

Ash: Well it turns out only one had minor injuries, but they all looked so beat up and gory that we had to check them all out. Turns out most of them just had special effects makeup on to look wounded, but it took a lot of questioning to get them to admit that. Fooled all of the ER staff plus my deputy, Bernie Barns.

C.C.: Oh, they almost never break character. Method actors, all of them down to a one. And that’s why I hired ‘em. You see, we’ve got to convince people they are really hurt, as that’s what draws a crowd and drums up business.

Ash: Well, and nothing draws a crowd like a fire.

C.C.: Well, yes, but it’s hard to shop and complete a sale within a raging inferno too, so clearly that would not have been our plan!! Surely you must have deduced that, Inspector.

Ash: Well, again, we’re trained not to rule anything out.

C.C.: Well if you’re not ruling anything out, then I suppose you’re considering the possibility that aliens started the fire with laser beams from their brains, right?

Hank: Funny you should mention aliens, as I had a strange encounter trying to get back here after I slipped through one of my black holes-

C.C.: Hank, I do want to hear that story, I really do, but we’re trying to answer the good Inspector’s questions so that we can all get on our way with the very important work we have to do to resurrect our business… wait a second, did you say you met some aliens?

Hank: Yes, first I was transported to some sort of recording booth in deep space, where I was asked to read a script for a commercial for Hank’s Wholesale Holes.

C.C.: A script for a-... you did your own commercial and made no mention of the saws and drills we sell? Hank, that’s a violation of our informal but binding business arrangement, that we arrived at under the pop-up awning of the ole Winnebago over little hotdog appetizers on paper plates and dixie cups full of rainwater. You can’t go back on that deal!!

Hank: Well I was a little discombobulated being in deep space and all and I thought it best to be cooperative. Then trying to get back here I traveled through the black hole again and wound up on an alien spaceship.

Ash: Let me guess, did they probe you in places you’d rather not mention?

Hank: Well they did discuss removing one of my kidneys but then they settled on taking just my appendix I believe, which… oh my word!! What is that???

Ash: Aaaaaaaagghhh!!!

C.C.: Okay now, everyone calm down, and let’s just take a look at- OH! Sweet baby cheese and rice!! You’ve got what looks like an extra arm growing out of your body!! Like a child’s arm really, but that’s definitely… wow! Sheila, come over here and look at what’s growing out of Hank!!

Hank: Oh uh… I’d rather not show this to the ladies. Then Hilda is bound to find out.

C.C.: I think your wife is going to notice when you go to hug her and she’s encircled by three arms, Hank!

Sheila: Oh my!! Hank, what is that?? And, C.C., why don’t you have one of those??

Hank: Please, don’t look, and don’t tell Hilda, will you, Sheila?

C.C.: How long have you had that child’s arm growing out of your abdomen, Hank? Is this something you’ve been keeping from us?

Hank: No, of course not, I think it has to do with my last trip through the black hole. You see, the aliens, Yuri and Guri and their walking Ship’s computer were trying to help me get back to all of you, but I had been shrunk down and compressed, see, by traveling through the black hole a few times before… so they programmed the black hole to bring me back to my normal size, and they said something about localizing all of the possible distortions in one of my unneeded internal organs…

C.C.: Ah, of course, so they chose your appendix. Well, it could’ve been worse… could’ve been your tonsils.

Ash: Well this is all most peculiar-... I can’t say I’ve ever had a case like this. I might need to visit you all one more time, perhaps with the help of my deputy.

C.C.: Well you know where to find us, Inspector. We aren’t in the habit of picking up and running and setting up shop off the side of the road or anything like that.

Ash: Mm-hmm. The lady doth protest too much, I’d say.

C.C.: Did he just say something about my wife, Hank? Why you sniveling little- you come back here, Inspector!!

Sheila: Go get him, C.C.!! Show him who’s boss!!

Hank: Oh, now, C.C… put down that smoldering tent pole!! Don’t make this any worse than it already is!! Dennis, there you are, please go stop C.C. from hurting that inspector.

C.C.: (in the distance) Yeah? Really? Take that! And that!! And how do you like that?

Dennis: Yeah, I’m on it. C.C.!! Put down the tent pole!! Lower the inspector to the ground… take the pole out of his belt loop… that’s right!! Let’s let cooler heads prevail here, C.C.!!

Hank: I think you can cut the recording, Ron. We’ve got our commercial for today.

Ron: Oh, are you sure? I kind of wanted to see what happens here.

Hank: Just stop the recording… please.

END OF SEGMENT MUSIC

Yuri: Well… that… was strange.

Guri: Right, so those are the guys who sponsor our podcast, and sure enough Hank is one of them. And they just mentioned us on their commercial…

Yuri: Can’t you see what this means, Guri?

Guri: We’re famous!!!

Yuri: No, you nitwit. I think that business with the black hole is really warping our realities here, playing with space and time and our conventional podcast format.

Guri: Right, somehow the sponsors of our show have become characters IN our show… although truth be told, their little segments stopped sounding anything like commercials long ago.

Yuri: This is true. Well, if we’ve learned anything by now, it’s when in doubt, blame the writers.

Guri: Yes, they are only a shade more competent than our voice actors, and that’s not saying much. What’s the budget for this podcast anyway? Six stotinkis?

Yuri: Six stotinkis would produce something better than this.

Ferret: Well, you can sit around feeling sorry for yourselves, or you could do something about it.

Yuri: Oh, why, Farit!! You’re back!!

Guri: Why is the window always open in Runyan’s room? It does have a nice view of the garden…

Farit: Yes, sure enough, the missus wasn’t happy with the carrots I brought back, so I’m back to find the right ones. If I knew what the right ones looked like, maybe I’d have brought them back the first time. But don’t ever try questioning a female ferret on anything, or at least not when the litter’s attached to her nether-regions. You’ll never win that argument.

Yuri: Well, that’s good advice, Farit. We’ll be sure to remember it. Say, Farit, we go back a ways, isn’t that right? We’re old chums, would you say?

Farit: Sure, Yanni, we’re old friends.

Yuri: It’s Yuri. And… well, I’m not sure how to bring this up exactly, but you see we were wondering the other day how Gorgon Zola might have been tracking us for what seems like a long time. We’ve swept the ship for tracking devices, which doesn’t even make sense since we found this ship here…

Farit: Unless the ship was placed here for you to find…

Guri: What?? Oh my comets, did we walk into some sort of trap?

Yuri: No, keep your tentacle warmers on, Guri. We don’t think there’s a tracking device on the ship, but then we thought perhaps there could be a spy in our midst, and we’ve ruled ourselves out, one by one, although we might end up terminating Timmy the Intern anyway…

Timmy: Wha-?? Hey!!

Yuri: And then… forgive us for even suggesting this… but we thought that we do keep running into you, and that you-

Farit: Now just stop right there, Yogi. Am I the mercenary and gambling type? Sure. Would I turn down a million star-bucks to provide the Gorgons with some information on you guys, were that information to be worth that much… which it’s not? No, I probably wouldn’t turn that down. But here’s a newsflash for you: Gorgon Zola doesn’t need me. Nobody needs me to know what you’re up to. You are broadcasting your every move on that silly Greetings Lurflings podcast that, for some reason, half the universe is tuning into. I don’t get it, really, why it’s so popular. Especially with two jackdoozles like you as the main characters.

Guri: Oh my, Captain… how did we not realize this?? Gorgon Zola must be a fan!

Yuri: So… he likes us then?

Farit: Not everyone who listens to your podcast needs to be a fan! Gorgon Zola has minions who mine podcasts for information… I’m sure their data mining effort uncovered your little mining operation and floated it up the chain until it reached the supreme leader there, and now he’s pissed.

Yuri: Yes, that does make sense.

Farit: Of course it makes sense. I’m a straight-talking ferret. So what’re you gonna do?

Yuri: Well, what choice do we have? Although our walking ship’s computer was suggesting that maybe with all the warning Gorgon Zola was giving us, perhaps he’d actually prefer to avoid a physical confrontation.

Farit: Yeah, maybe you should trust an actual ship’s computer for helpful advice, not a formerly enslaved computer mechanic.

Guri: Now now, Farit… Shipward’s become almost a full-fledged member of our crew at this point. We’re even thinking of starting a band together.

Yuri: Shut up, Guri, please! I think Farit is right… there’s no running away from this. And we can’t possibly hand over 80 percent of our flattery take… our production is meager to begin with, we need every bit of flattery we can get. So there comes a time when we must stand and fight!!

Guri: Can you tell me what time that will be? I’m due for some paid time off.

Farit: Come on, Guri-

Yuri: Oh sure, he knows your name!

Farit: I thought your Captain was the coward here.

Yuri: What??

Guri: Well normally he is, and usually he commands me to go investigate any danger we encounter, but that doesn’t mean I relish it or enjoy being brave. I tend to scream a lot and I do sometimes faint at the sight of blood.

Farit: Oh boy, well good luck, you two. I need to find some better carrots and get back home before my wife changes the locks to the entrance hole.

Guri: Oh… wait, your hole is equipped with locks?

Farit: Well, sure. I purchased it at Hank’s Wholesale Holes… he had a big half-off sale. Not a bad place to get your holes. Have you heard of it?

Guri: Yes… yes we have.

Yuri: So long, Farit! And thank you! We will face our fears and take on this Gorgon gangster once and for all, you’ll see. I think I have a plan.

Guri: You do?

Yuri: Well the beginning of one. The very beginning. I’ve written the word “Plan” on the holo-board here… and I’m sure some good ideas will follow. But our fair listeners will have to tune in next time for the genius of this plan to be revealed. Will we fend off the mighty Gorgon Zola? Will Guri wet himself and his battle suit once again? Will Shipward or Timmy prove to be a dispensable character on this podcast? Stay tuned and find out on the next episode of Greetings Lurflings!!

awkward silence

Guri: Theend… that’s your cue… THEEND, are you there?

more silence

Yuri: Well that figures… he disrupts the middle portion of the episode and now here, very late in the broadcast, he’s nowhere to be found.

Shipward: I think I saw him check into one of the vacuum toilets down by the canteen not too long ago, actually.

Guri: Uh-oh… we might be in store for some more Lurfian music then…

THEEND: (in distance, starts singing) C is for cookie, and cookie is for me…

musical medley merges into Joe Cocker’s Feelin’ Alright with THEEND and Shipward singing…

podcast, Season_OneYuriMay 3, 2021