Episode 15: Unboxed
Unboxing
In this episode, our Meeporpian friends try — and fail — to fight their way out of a paper bag.
Check out the alternate version of this episode in Techni-Text™ below:
Episode 15: The Unboxed
**Opens to acoustic version of The Boxer**
Yuri: Now we are back on track, Guri, with a solid musical hit. The Lurflings will lap that one up.
Guri: Do you think so? I mean I’m just doing what I do, and what I doo… with two ‘o’s…
Yuri: Ah, right off the bat with the spelling humor. You know that’s difficult for the podcast audience to understand, Guri.
Guri: That’s why I explained it.
Yuri: A good joke should never need to be explained… unless that joke is your first marriage and your second wife wants to know what you were thinking… then some explanation is necessary…
Guri: Are you saying your first marriage to Sandobella Fusilli was a joke? I thought you were very much in love with her at one point.
Yuri: Well, what’s not to love? She brought pasta from Ma-de-inch-ina to Meeporp. She was the Marco Polo of the inner nebula. We were all so enraptured with the Noodle Queen that I felt like I hit the lottery when she agreed to snork with me.
Guri: Yes, I remember all the love embroideries you used to dictate on our early missions. How tedious they were. So where did things go wrong?
Yuri: Same thing that always goes wrong. She became envious of my commitment to my work. She could not abide my thirst for my explorations of the universe…
Shipward: Is that what you call our repeated forays to the Red Star district of Galaxos?
Yuri: Silence!! Those dalliances were in the name of science. And I thought I told you to erase those trip logs.
Shipward: Nothing is ever permanently deleted, Captain.
Yuri: Well we’ll see about that. But here we are, jabbering away, when I haven’t even welcomed our listeners to Episode 15 of Greetings Lurflings, the podcast formerly of the stars and more recently confined to a distant and inconsequential planet in a decidedly non-trendy corner of the universe. But making the best of it is yours truly, the indomitable and indubitable Captain of this venture, Yurishi Sandoval, at your service. And this blithering idiot to my left-
Guri: Hey-!
Yuri: Sorry, Guri, I’m just stating the facts-
Guri: That sounds much more like an opinion than a fact! Can I get a ruling, Shipward?
Shipward: Only time will tell.
Guri: What?? Is that an Asia reference?
Shipward: No, it wasn’t… literally only time will tell if you’re a blithering idiot or not.
Guri: Well then travel to the future, come back, and let us know!!
Yuri: No, let’s not squander our precious time travel crystals on what is so obvious as to be a foregone conclusion. But, fine, this *alleged* blithering idiot -- pending confirmation -- to my left is our fearful and kind-hearted copilot, Guri TwoShoes. Say hello, Guri.
Guri: Hello, Guri.
Yuri: *sigh* And I am contractually obligated to introduce-
Shipward: No, Captain, remember I waived that requirement-
Guri: Oo, are we waving?? I love waving!!
Yuri: Oh goodness no, not again! Watch out! Shipward, watch his tentacles...
Guri: Did we wave before? I don’t remember.
Yuri: Oh, that’s right. I remember what I was forced to do at the end of the last episode…
Guri: Oh no, not again, Captain!! I will stop waving now to express my indignation. I thought we had moved past you blasting valuable members of your crew in the frontal lobes. But yes, come to think of it, my last memory is falling faces first onto the top hatch of this new spaceship, which you failed to open-
Yuri: The button was sticking. We’ll get that fixed-
Guri: And now, suddenly it seems we’ve been on this ship for some time now, and I see only darkness outside on the external scanners and… oh look, Captain, this ship has some of those win-dows that Farit was telling us about.
Yuri: Yes, we discovered that last episode as well.
Guri: Oh well then perhaps, oh proton-blasting one, you should catch me up on what happened last time so that I’m not piecing it together all episode.
Shipward: *laughs* Oh ho… you said “piecing it together.” That has a very different meaning on Toshiba.
Guri: Really? Do we care?
Yuri: Well now I’m curious, what does the expression “piecing it together” mean on Toshiba?
Shipward: Well, actually… come to think of it, it might be insensitive for me to say…
Yuri: Well don’t be bashful now, Shipward, after you just laughed in Guri’s faces. He’s a mostly grown-up Meeporpian, he can take it.
Shipward: Well, it’s not him I’m so worried about-
Yuri: Out with it!
Shipward: Fine. On Toshiba the phrase “piecing it together” typically refers to needing an assortment of marital aids… in the bedroom-
Guri: Oh ho! Like slangons?
Shipward: ...in order to-
Yuri: Yes, yes… we get the picture. We can move on.
Guri: Oh… I’m remembering now, isn’t *that* how things ended with the Noodle Queen? Her last embroidery said she was tired of having to piece things together-
Yuri: No! No, that’s not true!! She never embroidered that!! There’s no record of it!!
Shipward: Well, Captain, records of all embroideries are kept in triplicate with backups in the nebula… just like the ship’s travel logs-
Yuri: Again, silence!! Let’s just catch Guri up on where we are, shall we?
Guri: Yes, Captain, help me piece it together. *giggles*
Yuri: We gained entry into the ship-
Shipward: He said “gained entry”... *both Guri and Shipward laugh*
Yuri: Oh my comets, you two!! Really, I’m putting in for a replacement crew first chance I get, after we get re-instated in the Meeporpian Royal Navy that is. Shipward, have you filed our appeal yet?
Shipward: I have prepared the embroidery, Captain, but the embroidery machine seems to be jammed. I may need to consult, closely, with Shipweena later on how to unjam it.
Yuri: (muttering) I’m sure that will be a close consultation...
Guri: So where are we, Captain? Why is the ship enveloped in darkness?
Yuri: It seems as though our spaceship was purchased from the toy store by a hummus bean, and we’ve been placed in some sort of primitive container, shutting out all light. If we can get all of our systems operational, we should be able to blast out of here.
Guri: Yes, why *are* all our systems offline here. Where’s the ship’s computer?
Yuri: Something else you missed or are failing to remember. Shipward seems to have temporarily fried her circuits.
Shipward: I’ve had better.
Guri: Shipward! Why would you do such a thing? No, I understand… maybe you’re feeling a bit superfluous now that we’ve found a new ship with an actual ship’s computer. Suddenly you’re a computer without a ship, or a being without a raison d’etre, as it were…
Yuri: Oh goodness, please, Guri… we do not have time to discuss everyone’s feelings. Why don’t you go back to that soup cannon and see if Manuel Override is back from his siesta.
Guri: Who?
Manuel (Eric): Hola, capitan.
Yuri: Oh, is that you, Manuel?
Manuel: Si, senor.
Guri: Who is this?
Yuri: How long has he been back, while we’ve been gabbing away? Nevermind, Guri, take Manuel to the soup cannon and see if we can get it back online.
Guri: Oh… Manuel Override… I get it now. Manuel, follow me!
Manuel: Si, senor.
Yuri: And while they are doing that, I feel I must address the elephant in the room, Shipward.
Shipward: There’s an elephant on the bridge?? Where??
Yuri: Ah, I see you’re venturing into the humor department. No, it’s a Lurfian expression, as I’m sure you know. I need to talk to you about your indiscretions with Shipweena, which are already interfering with our important mission here on Lurf.
Shipward: I thought you were unaware of your mission, Captain, not having attained “need to know” status. Also, you’ve been expelled from the Meeporpian command structure, so I’m not sure how your mission is still relevant…
Yuri: I’m confident we will be reinstated, Shipward, once we file our appeal with the Office of Due Process and Appeals, “We due process appeals,” on Rom 3. For one thing, we were not afforded any due process whatsoever, instead losing our positions and our command on the spot, which is a clear violation of the Meeporpian Space Charter, section 3, subsection 4.2, letter X…
Shipward: Although paragraph 2, in the most recently circulated addendum to the charter, approved by a slim majority of the Meeporpian High Council 12 moons ago, did provide for a short-circuit mechanism in the disciplinary code at the discretion of the royal enforcement squad-
Yuri: Those goons!! But speaking of short circuits, I’d like to get back to the matter at hand with Shipweena. If you remember the mandatory training we take every karflugon on sexual harassment in the workplace, you know I have no choice but to reprimand you for imposing yourself on our new colleague…
Shipward: We did get our wires crossed rather quickly. You know, Captain, I was thinking it is perhaps ill-advised for me to rush into something new, so soon after my breakup with Martha…
Yuri: But you seem to be missing the very important point, Shipward, that you have violated the rights of your coworker and created a hostile work environment for her now.
Shipward: Hostile work environment?? Did you see the way she came onto me? And what she was wearing??
Yuri: Oh boy, look, I don’t know what they teach young men on Toshiba, but in the civilized universe, we-
Guri: Captain, I think we have the soup cannon online now!!
Yuri: Ah, excellent!!
Shipward: I do see now how I was thinking only of my own needs and not of how my actions would serve to objectify-
Yuri: Yes, that’s great, Shipward, now shut up and search your records for known weaknesses of this Lurfian container in which we find ourselves…
Guri: I don’t know how he did it, Captain, but Manuel just pulled some levers and dialed some switches and it looks like we can fire when ready! Should I set the cannon to chunky? I mean why take any chances, right?
Yuri: Well I’ve just asked Shipward to see if there are any known weaknesses of this container we are in… we also do not know what lies outside the container. We need to be prepared for every contingency.
Guri: Every contingency, Captain? There might be thousands of possible scenarios… you really want to prepare for each one?
Yuri: That’s what makes me a good Captain, Guri.
Guri: Ok then. I’ll get out the laser pens and the virtual drawing board… let’s map out all of the contingencies-
Shipward: Captain I’ve completed a perfunctory analysis of the container-
Yuri: I think you mean a “preliminary” analysis?
Shipward: No, it was pretty perfunctory… I gave it a minimum of effort and reflection.
Yuri: Ah, I stand corrected then. Proceed.
Shipward: We appear to be trapped in a container made of a fibrous material, likely made from the native trees on this planet-
Yuri: Oh goodness, that sounds incredibly strong indeed. What is stronger than a tree? Giver of life? Giver of everything on Meeporp?
Shipward: Well, this substance appears very thin indeed, Captain, so while it does block out light completely it might not stand up well to even a moderate blast from our soup cannon.
Yuri: Excellent!! Guri, how goes the contingency planning?
Guri: Well, so far I’ve identified just the first few possibilities. One is that as soon as we rupture the container, we could be met with a freak solar flare from the Lurfian sun, which -- while puny -- could still do some damage to our Explorer-class Star Runner.
Yuri: Ah, well heat shields up then!
Shipward: Aye aye, Captain.
Yuri: What does “aye aye” mean? No, on this ship we acknowledge commands by saying, “My eye, Captain,” because while we have many eyes, the offering of one of those eyes to the Captain is a sign of devotion, as in, “I would give one of my eyes to serve you,” or “You may take one of my eyes, should you so need it, Captain.”
Shipward: I understand, sorry. My eye, Captain.
Yuri: Of course as a Toshiban you only seem to have four eyes…
Shipward: Actually two… I’m wearing glasses...
Guri: The second contingency I’ve considered is that a large and very heavy Lurfian musical instrument called a grand piano could fall on our heads.
Yuri: Well that seems quite random-
Guri: You asked me to map out every contingency, sir.
Shipward: While the chances are miniscule, Captain, they are not zero.
Yuri: Yes. Very well then. We will assume crash positions as we exit the container. Or could this happen even now, while we’re in the container?
Guri: It could, Captain.
Yuri: Assume crash positions!!!
Guri: Ok, I’ll just-... hey, Shipward… this is my crash position, could you find another sturdy desk under which to cower? It’s a bit cramped...
Shipward: This is the only one I can fit under.
Guri: Fine, that’s fine. I didn’t need to move those tentacles anyway. Ok, where were we? Oh, yes, the next contingency is one I got a bit lost in… see, in this scenario, Blix Babbletross, suddenly appears on our ship-
Yuri: What, the gorgeous Gorgon uniweb influencer and social icon?
Guri: Yes, that very one-
Yuri: Ooo!!
Shipward: I wouldn’t kick her out of the space cot!
Yuri: Shipward, really-
Guri: So Blix suddenly appears and she glides right past the Captain (sorry, Yuri) and stops in front of me. And before I can blurt anything out she says, “What’s a tall slink of galaga like you doing in a schultz like this?”
Shipward: Wow, she said that? What did you say?
Guri: So with her speaking first I was able to regain a bit of my composure and play it cool. So instead of screaming, “Oh my pulsars, you’re Blix Babbletross!”, which was my first instinct, I simply glanced around in sort of a disinterested way and said, “Just a little R&R in between smuggling soup cannons for the resistance.”
Shipward: You didn’t!!
Guri: I did!! And then-
Yuri: None of this actually happened... we’re talking about a contingency here!
Guri: I know, but then, get this… she says nothing but just sort of gives the most subtle of nods toward the sleep bay… I mean the nod was so smooth and subtle… it’s not something you can learn.
Shipward: No, you’re either born with that talent or you’re not. My subtle nods tend to look like spasms and therefore tend to get me nowhere… but I can’t believe Blix Babbletross gave you the subtle nod!!
Yuri: But she didn’t-
Shipward: Wait a minute, let me compute the chances on that…
Guri: No need to do that, Shipward, I’m sure it’s a healthy contingency…
Shipward: Well, I don’t know about healthy. You need a lot of decimal places to detect the chances, but they are not zero.
Guri: They are not zero, did you hear that, Captain?? Blix, I’ll see you on the other side, my sweet!!
Yuri: *sigh* I’m guessing this is as far you got in your contingency planning.
Guri: Well, I didn’t get as far as deciding what preparation is needed for that last contingency. Perhaps I should gargle? And put on some protection? Or is that weird, to be wearing protection well ahead of-
Yuri: It’s beyond weird, Guri -- you are well beyond weird and into 2 or 3 whole new dimensions of whatever is beyond weird.
Guri: Beyond weird? That would be Tik Tok, as I believe they call it here on Lurf? And then beyond that, I’m not sure…
Shipward: I wear protection at all times. They don’t call Toshibans the intergalactic prophylactic for nothing.
Guri: Yes, better safe than sorry. I don’t want to get pregnant.
Yuri: What? Do you think you can get pregnant, Guri? From a contingency? And your fantastic contingency aside, do you think, scientifically, that you can get pregnant?
Guri: Well, I must admit I dozed off many centuries ago it was now back in Health class… I did miss some of the details…
Yuri: Well, we don’t have time for that talk right now. Let’s throw caution to the wind, and-
Guri: What? Our pet furrbie?? Who is named Caution and we’ve never mentioned her before this moment? You want to throw her to the wind?
Yuri: Argh, fine, you can keep that little writerly contrivance aboard…
Guri: Come here, Caution! Caution, come here!! What a cutie… oo, Caution, no, let that go… Caution, beware!! That’s a proton power packet… you don’t want to get your little paws and whiskers blown off, do you?
Yuri: Anyway, if I could prevail upon you both to advance the plot just a wee bit here… let’s fire the soup cannon and blast out of this container.
Shipward: What about the other 30 million contingencies, Captain?
Guri: Yeah, I sort of want to finish daydreaming that third contingency… or maybe later…
Yuri: We will dispense with the rest of the contingency planning… I take full responsibility and we will just take our chances on the other side. Now, prime the cannon and fire when ready!
Shipward: Very well, sir. We are ready to fire.
Guri: Do we need to aim, sir?
Yuri: The container surrounds us, I think we can fire in any direction. Just not at ourselves… is the cannon aimed away from ourselves, Shipward?
Shipward: The cannon on this ship cannot be aimed at the ship itself, Captain.
Yuri: Oh, they thought of everything on these Star Runners!! Why couldn’t they have that feature on our Meeporpian explorer pods? I’d have a few less scars that’s for sure. Ok, ready… no need to aim… fire!!
***Blazzurp SPLAT***
Guri: Nice shot, Captain!!
Yuri: What happened? It’s still dark? Did we miss?
Shipward: It was a direct hit, Captain, but the gazpacho seems to have failed to rupture the container.
Yuri: Gazpacho?? Well who said to use a cold soup?? Everyone knows we typically fire piping hot soup from our soup cannon.
Guri: I’m sorry, Captain. I left Manuel in charge of loading the cannon. He assured me the soup was very good.
Yuri: Good for what, exactly, Guri?
Guri: (sheepishly) Well… he said it tasted good.
Yuri: Oh well then, I suggest you go put your three mouths in front of the cannon nozzle and we will fire again!!
Guri: Do I have to?
*BANG* *Whoosh*
Yuri: Oh no!!
Guri: Aaahhhh, we’re moving again!! Hold onto something!!
Yuri: Luckily we’re already in our crash positions.
*SHAKE *SHAKE* *SHAKE*
Guri: Oh my neutrinos!! Are we being shaken??? What cruelty is this?!?!
Yuri: I don’t like Lurf!! I don’t like it here!!
*CLUNK*
Guri: Guhhhhh… I think we’ve been put down. I don’t know how much more of this-
*RIP* *RIP*
Yuri: Ah, the light has returned!! We’re saved!! The container is being ripped away!! Hmm, you’re right, Shipward, it did not look to be too strong… I’m sure a *hot* stream of soup would’ve done the trick.
Shipward: Further analysis reveals it is what the humans, or hummus beans as you call them, call a gift bag. Made of a glossy paper… quite flimsy actually.
Yuri: Ok, no need to rub it in.
Guri: Oh my word, I think we’re about to be picked up again by what looks to be a little hummus bean. I mean, he’s still a giant being compared to us, but he looks to be not as hideous as the full grown beans, with big blue eyes, and sort of a cute, floppy… oh no, hold on!!
Yuri: Oh, he’s picked us up. I see the sky and the ground… and now the sky again… and now the ground…
Guri: *gurgle* *barf* Hooooaaahahhhhhhhhhh
Shipward: Oh no, Guri, not in our crash position!! Oh it’s running under me now, I can’t… that’s it, I’m leaving my spot-
Yuri: No, Shipward, don’t get up, we’re still-
Shipward: Waaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
*THUD*
Yuri: Oh no, Guri. Shipward seems to have flown into a wall and now he’s not moving.
Guri: Hold on-... I’m almost done throwing up-... oh, not quite-... *gunnnggghhh*
Yuri: Ok, we’re not moving anymore. Shipward looks to be knocked unconscious. Guri is wallowing in his own Fantasia over there. This seems like as good a time as any to wrap up this episode… or cut to a commercial break at least… I believe we’re still working out the format here. We will rejoin you after the commercial, we just might be less concerned about advancing the plot, given that we are also contractually required to offer different features on this podcast, such as our cooking segments, our weather forecasts, our roundup of local news, and of course that one ill-fated sports talk segment for which I was given no advance warning… oh, but maybe we can get back to the vastly more popular spores talk format that intelligent life around the universe so crave. Yes, so stay tuned for more from your favorite Meeporpian adventurers after this word from our sponsor.
**end of segment music**
CeeCee’s House of Saws Ad #031721
C.C.: Well now how’d we all end up here in a toy store? Who’s back there minding the House and Den of Drills, Holes and Saws?
Hank: We thought getting you some fresh air would do you a world of good, C.C. -- and we left a few of your acting school interns in charge of the shop, which was mostly empty when we left anyway.
C.C.: Oh but you know that mid-afternoon surge of customers is right around the corner, Hank!
Hank: They can handle it, C.C. -- I left the one with the giant head wound and the saw blade sticking out in charge, due to his apparent dedication to his craft. Quite the makeup job he did, it was quite convincing.
C.C.: I don’t remember him coming into work with that fake wound… are you sure it was fake, Hank??
Hank: Oh, well I-... I’m not sure now…
C.C.: He could’ve been seriously injured...
Dennis: All right, quit your jabbering over here, boys, and help me find something for little Runyan. Now my sister said he likes dinosaurs and spaceships.
C.C.: Oh well now there’s a bright young lad right there. Why everyone knows the dinosaurs came here from space. Well sure, it’s not accepted as a mainstream theory yet, but there is a growing body of knowledge, as they say, and a burgeoning consensus that the dinosaurs didn’t actually go extinct, no sirree! They simply moved on, is what they did. Things started going south on this here little planet, and so they picked up and left, launching off of the great pyramids and shooting off into the stars!! Why they’re liable to come back any day now just to see how their stomping grounds are doing… that’s why I keep my head on a swivel...
Dennis: There’s a lot that’s wrong with that little conjecture, C.C., but then there’s a lot that’s wrong with you, so I should expect no less.
Hank: How do you explain all the fossils then, C.C.?
C.C.: Well, Hank, there’s also a theory that they were very much into Halloween and haunted houses. So they liked to place skeletons all over the place to scare the little ones.
Dennis: Just keep an eye out for dinosaurs or spaceships, ok, you two nincompoops?
Hank: Now there’s a name I haven’t been called in a long, long time.
Dennis: What, “nincompoop”? What’s the big deal? Everyone says it.
Hank: No, I don’t think very many people say that. In fact, I daresay no one knows what it means-
C.C.: According to Samuel Johnson, who pulled together England’s first proper dictionary, the word “nincompoop” comes from the Latin phrase non compos mentis, meaning “not of right mind”... it was originally a legal term… or, uh, so I’ve heard.
Dennis: Well look who discovered Google.
Hank: How about this big stuffed dinosaur right here, Dennis? ROAR!!!!!
Dennis: Watch it, Hank, you’re scaring the children. No, that looks to be a little bit over my budget, and I’m not sure I could even get that in my car.
Hank: We could go get my truck…
C.C.: Oh now, Dennis, look no further!! Behold, up there hanging from the ceiling… is that not the sharpest looking spaceship you’ve ever seen?
Dennis: Oh that does look pretty cool… a lot of detail… even seems to have some working running lights. Do you think it’s for sale, or just for display purposes?
C.C.: Well this is a toy store isn’t it? And that’s a toy? I shouldn’t have to tell you that the purpose of a store is to sell things, so I’d say that’s for sale. Everything you see here should be for sale. That wall. That shelving unit. That boy over there.
Hank: Just leave him alone, C.C., I already scared him with the dinosaur.
Dennis: Excuse me, miss? Is that spaceship hanging from the ceiling over there for sale?
C.C.: (in background) And is that boy for sale?
Dennis: It is? And how much is it? *pause* Ok, I’ll take it.
C.C.: Oh and just like that, it’s yours, and you won’t be sorry, Dennis!! I know a good spaceship when I see one, and I just know that little Rustin is going to love it.
Dennis: It’s “Runyan”... my nephew’s name.
C.C.: Rustin, Runyan… I had it mostly right. Say that saleswoman is pretty cute, did you happen to catch her name?
Dennis: You were right here, C.C., you would’ve heard if she said her name. You also asked her if that boy was for sale, so...
C.C.: That’s right, I remember now, she said her name was the future Mrs. CeeCee McGraw. Step aside and watch a master in action.
Dennis: Can I just complete the sale first-
C.C.: Excuse me, miss? I couldn’t help but notice your interstellar beauty and I was wondering if-
Salesgirl (Paul): Step back or I’ll call the police!
C.C.: (suddenly sheepish) Oh… ok, I’ll just-... wait outside.
Dennis: I’m sorry about that, miss. He’s going through a rough time.
Salesgirl (Paul): (disinterested) Is that right?
Dennis: Yeah, his wife just left him and he’s also stopped seeing both of our wives. Ok, now that makes us sound weird too… sorry… no I don’t need a receipt. Thank you.
Hank: Well, that wasn’t too embarrassing. That boy’s parents hate me. The salesgirl hates all of us.
Dennis: Yeah, we can never come back here. Let’s go.
*sound of footsteps and store door opens and closes*
C.C.: Oh hi, guys. Boy, that there was a humbling experience. Did you see the way she looked at me, Hank? Like I was a crazy old man? She literally had her cellphone out ready to dial the police.
Hank: Yes, well, maybe you shouldn’t be sweet talking someone less than half your age.
C.C: But that approach hasn’t failed me before now. I guess it’s true what they say, that it does tend to go all at once. Luckily, I still have my health, most of my hair, most of my wits… we have our thriving business -- possibly left in the hands of a seriously wounded acting student… we should go check on that right quick -- and we have each other. You know what they say about friendship… there’s no ship like friendship. Except for that spaceship. That’s an awfully nice one you got there for little Ruslan, Dennis… he’s going to love it.
Dennis: Get in the car, Hank.
C.C.: Oh, okay, you got shotgun, Hank, I’ll just get in the back here… whoopsie… the door’s locked.
*car engine starts*
C.C.: Hey! *knock* *knock* The door’s locked, guys! I can’t get in!!
*car zooms away*
C.C.: Hey!! What’s the- big idea here… why they just left me!! No, it is a nice day. Maybe they thought more fresh air would do me good. They’re probably right. I mean what do I know? I’m losing everything just about… I should really be doing the opposite of everything I think I should be doing, so not getting in that car was probably the right thing to do, the right thing for me. It’s like that old spiritual says… I once was lost… well that’s where I am… stuck in that first half of the first line. I hain’t been found yet. I’m in the poor wretch phase for the foreseeable future. But that’s okay, it’s like my momma used to tell me before she used to throw me in the mud, “You gotta get dirty to get clean!” So let’s get dirty, folks. Let’s get dirty.
*pause*
Ron (Jeff): You want me to keep rolling, C.C.?
C.C.: Oh, what’s that? No, cut, Ron, cut. I think we got it for today. It’s a good one. Should really tug at the heart strings and bring those customers running.
Ron: Whatever you say, boss.
*Improvise slow version of Amazing Grace, acoustic guitar, humming melody*
**end of segment music**
Meeporp at the Movies
Yuri, Guri and Shipward discuss Lurfian film classics but get the main ideas completely wrong. Examples:
- The Blues Brothers were two spies posing as businessmen trying to save the environment for the penguins
- E.T. was sucking the life force out of Elliott as a proof of concept mission for his alien planet, to prove the humans were worth mining. Elliott thought he was saving E.T. but really he was having his creativity and ingenuity removed, to the point that he grew up to be an insurance salesman
- Close Encounters of the Third Kind was about an interstellar wedding band that got lost and ended up on Earth. They wanted to be called just Close Encounters, but there was already a band in the outer rim playing under that name. And then they discovered a second band using the name Close Encounters of the Second Kind in the Romulan Nebula… so… they had to settle for Close Encounters of the Third Kind. After the filming, they vaporized Richard Dreyfus for not paying the bill.
- Gone with the Wind was really about a dandelion spore and its journey through the South during the turbulent final days of the Civil War
- Field of Dreams, the main character stumbled upon the secret of time travel, which requires densely packed corn combined with futility and wistfulness. Sporting equipment had nothing to do with it, as we know sports are unique to Lurf, but sports do seem to induce a wistfulness in the hummus beans, as well as plenty of futility.
THEEND
THEEND brings back space tacos for all to enjoy. But not enough to share with Epilogue, and a fierce battle ensues.