Episode 14: Gift Wrapped

Gift Wrapped

In this episode, still elated at discovering a new spaceship (in a toystore), our heroes' luck takes a strange turn when they are inadvertently purchased along with their newly found ship. Getting gift-wrapped only adds to the humiliation.

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Check out the alternate version of this episode in Techni-Text™ below:

Episode 14: Gift wrapped!

**Opens to the strains of Asia, Only Time Will Tell**

Guri: Wow, Yuri… you’re music making has really improved now that you’re back in a vacuum toilet. That sounded like an orchestra in there…

Yuri: There is nothing like the comfort of a starship and its high tech amenities. I do feel like myself again, Guri.

Guri: Well that’s good, because it was terrible to see you without a ship out there on the surface of Lurf, or the Lurface as I call it.

Yuri: You’ve made that joke before.

Guri: Yes, and there’s a reason why I wouldn’t remember that… a certain trigger-happy Captain with no regard for the frontal lobes of his crew...

Yuri: Oh right, well...

Shipward: Excuse me, mind if I get in there?

Yuri: What? This is the Captain’s washroom, Shipward!

Shipward: It just says Washroom on the sign… I didn’t know it was yours…

Yuri: What??

Guri: Oh boy… ok, calm down, Captain, he’s not aware of our ways. Shipward, it’s just a common courtesy aboard a Meeporpian starship that the washroom closest to the bridge is generally reserved for high command… that’s why they call it the throne.

Shipward: That’s fine. I’ll use the shitter down by the canteen.

Guri: The sitter? What? Is that what he said?

Yuri: I’m not sure.

Guri: Who calls it that?

Yuri: He’s a strange one. We must return him to Toshiba the first chance we get… if we ever get off this cursed planet.

Guri: Well, this spaceship is a good start, Captain. And-... oh holy starscapes, I’ve got a music load of unread embroideries in my intergalactic account here… I just regained access.

Yuri: Yes, our formal discharges from the Meeporpian Royal Navy, I saw those…

Guri: Yeah, but I have a series of increasingly angry missives from my mentor… I guess I missed our last few meetings.

Yuri: Am I not your mentor, Guri? I’m hurt.

Guri: No, this is through that Trans-Orbital Respect and Reconciliation program I signed up for… remember… when I was looking for some broader meaning and morality in the universe? You told me it was silly but I applied anyway? The TORR program…

Yuri: Oh goodness. That racquet.

Guri: I think it’s racket… with a “ck”...

Yuri: What? That’s what I said.

Guri: No, I know, it sounds the same but it was written in the script here with a “qu” and that’s a piece of Lurfian sporting equipment, I believe.

Yuri: Well don’t bring that up with me… talk to the writers.

Guri: I would but I think they’re just trying to inject themselves into the story here.

Yuri: Yes, it’s pathetic really. Apparently they are starved for attention.

Guri: Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yes, my TORR mentor… sent me a lot of embroideries… and is really getting on my nerves.

Yuri: Is that the whole joke? You’re being bothered by your TORR mentor?

Guri: Yes. You could say I’m being tormented… by my TORR mentor. *pause* I’m starting to worry about the writers. I mean that joke is really just a cry for help.

Yuri: Let’s just move on. Oh and I suppose we should welcome our listeners to what is our 14th episode of Greetings Lurflings -- yes, we somehow made it through the 13th episode without anything untoward happening-

Guri: Well, I did get hurt twice. Once when Shipward shot me into the ceiling, and the second time when you failed to open the hatch as I was falling onto the ship.

Yuri: Yes, a bit of bad luck for you, but actually some very good luck for the rest of us, since we found this operational spaceship just sitting here empty in a hummus bean toy store.

*Sound of music in the distance*

Shipward (singing in distance): Rock ‘n’ roll… hootchie koo!!

Guri: What is that?

Yuri: I think it’s coming from the canteen.

Guri: Oh that must be Shipward in the bathroom. What did he leave the door open or something? Shipward!!! Close the door!!

Shipward (in distance): Sorry! (music fades outs)

Yuri: Anyway, that inglorious interruption aside… I should finish introducing the podcast here. I am your Captain and intrepid explorer, Yurishi Santana. And this here to my left is our soft-hearted and soft-headed co-pilot, Gurishi Wishywoo… say hi, Guri.

Guri: Wishywoo? I wishywoo… I mean, I wish you wouldn’t call me that.

Yuri: And this towering Toshiban just back from the washroom is our somewhat less than faithful Ship’s computer, Shipward.

Shipward: Hi folks. You really don’t need to introduce me, Captain, especially in your usual unflattering terms.

Yuri: Oh, I don’t? I thought that was part of your new contract, a requirement…

Shipward: I’m waiving that requirement now.

Guri: Oo, are we waving goodbye to the requirement? I love waving!! It’s one of the best hummus bean inventions. Goodbye, requirement!! Goodbye!!

Yuri: Please, Guri… don’t wave all of your tentacles at once here on the bridge! You’re liable to hit a control panel- Ouch!! Or hit your Captain!

Guri: I’m sorry, sir. It’s just a very fun thing to do. Waving. You should try it.

Yuri: I will not. I do not plan to adopt any of the silly gestures or habits of the hummus beans. Why next you’ll want me to ingest a carcinogen or engage in small talk. Pull yourself together, Guri, and remember who we are!

Guri: Disenfranchised naval officers?

Yuri: No, Guri… Meeporpians! Meeporpi!! Whatever the plural would be in this silly Lurfian language…

Guri: Meeporpoises?

Shipward: It’s Meeple.

Yuri: Fine, Meeple!

Guri: (singing) Meeple… meeple who need… meeple…

Yuri: Argh! I feel like I’m in the great Soul Asylum on Rom 16. Can we just fire up the ship engines here and blast out of here?

Female Ship Computer Voice (Eric): I would love to, Captain, but our fuel tanks are empty. Please take me to the nearest filling station.

Shipward: Who said that?

Captain: Oh no!

Female Ship: I am Shipweena, your top of the line AI personality that comes standard with the Starclass 7 series ship computer.

Yuri: Shipweena, we really do not need your services, in fact it’d be best if you-

Shipward: Where are you, Shipweena? Where are you hiding, you little minx??

Guri: Shipward, what about Martha?

Shipward: Ah screw Martha! She left me for the dryer two embroideries ago. Now where’s the nearest ship’s computer port?

Yuri: You’ve been sending and receiving embroideries, Shipward? But how? We need to file our appeal with the Meeporpian High Council and I had assumed we lost our embroidery machine when our ship was confiscated.

Shipward: I’ve been embroidering messages to Martha by hand.

Yuri: By hand?? How is that possible??

Guri: Well, he has hands, Captain. Unlike us.

Yuri: Ah yes, your Toshiban form includes hands. Silly of me not to have noticed. Shipward, you must embroider our appeal at once!!

Shipward: Not now, Captain, can’t you see I’m busy? Shipweena, prepare to be accessed!!

Yuri: Shipward, I will fire this proton blaster somewhere you’d rather I not if you do not stop this instant!!

Guri: Yeah, don’t make us get rough with you, Shipward. This is no way to behave. Why don’t you try to get to know Shipweena first?

Yuri: And you realize she’s a Ship’s computer and not a live being, don’t you, Shipward?

Shipward: You don’t know that. That’s what you thought about me.

Yuri: Well I know but what are the chances- here, let me just ask Shipweena a direct question and that should settle this. Shipweena, please state your place of origin.

Shipweena: I am from Planet Hitachi.

Yuri: There, see? Wait, what?

Shipward: Oh my pulsars, the women from Hitachi are wild!!

Yuri: Wait, just a minute, hold on. Let me try to clarify. Shipweena, were you made on Hitachi?

Shipweena: Yes. I was made there.

Shipward: I bet she was!

Guri: Wait, that still doesn’t really answer- that’s not the right question, Captain. Just ask if she is a living being or if she is an AI personality programmed into the ship’s computer.

Yuri: Well that would take all of the suspense right out of it though, Guri. Don’t you know how to spin a yarn and keep our listeners engaged?

Guri: Oh I see... you are a master storyteller, Captain. Always a step ahead. And to think they thought you needed a narrator last episode.

Yuri: Well I sure showed them.

Guri: And you shot him.

Yuri: I did.

*Giggling noises coming from Shipward and Shipweena*

Yuri: Oh, well this is uncomfortable.

Guri: Yes, how are we supposed to launch out of here if both of our ship’s computers are otherwise engaged.

Yuri: They’re engaged?? Don’t you think that’s rushing things a bit?

*Bang* *Thud*

Guri: Arrrggghhh! Captain!! We’re moving!!! We’re being turned all about!!

Yuri: Shipward and Shipweena, stop this fooling around! Tend to our stabilizers!!

Guri: No, Captain, I don’t think this is them. I feel like something else is moving us!

Yuri: Hang on to something, Guri!!! Check the external scanners!!

Guri: The systems are all down, thanks to Shipward. But wait… look… this ship has one of those win-dows we heard about. We can see what’s outside of the ship. And-... oh no!!! There’s the giant eye of a hummus bean, I believe, peering at us!!

Yuri: Ahhh, it’s hideous!!! And… whoa!!! And now it’s in that window. I think it is holding us and turning us about!

Guri: I think I’m going to be sick.

Yuri: Please don’t Fantasia on the bridge, Guri. See if you can make it to the washroom over there.

Guri: But that’s your washroom, Captain… I couldn’t…

Yuri: You’re right. Try to head down to the canteen.

Guri: I’m… okay. We seem to have stopped moving now. I don’t think the hummus bean is far away though.

Yuri: Yes, and we’re no longer suspended from the ceiling. We seem to have been moved to a surface of some kind… shiny but transparent at the same time… made of the same substance as the ship’s window it seems. Curse these Lurfian mysteries!!

Guri: There are shadows and movement above us! Some sort of transaction is taking place, I’m guessing.

Yuri: How would you guess that?

Guri: I don’t know… I used to work in retail, a long long time ago… and in a galaxy far away, I might add. But yes, it seems like a transaction is taking place -- I can sense the forced politeness of the exchange…

Yuri: You don’t think someone is buying this spaceship, do you?? When it is rightfully ours?? We were here first!! We claimed it!!

Guri: How would they know that, Captain?? We’re almost invisible to them, we’re so small.

Yuri: Well let’s get their attention then. Guri, man the soup cannon!!

Guri: Good thinking, Captain!

Yuri: Set the cannon to chunky!!

Guri: Ah, yes, it’ll be the soup that feels more like a meal, when it hits the hummus beans in- ah crap, I forgot. All of the systems are down. The cannon is not online.

Yuri: Baaa!! Curse you, Shipward!! Abandon Shipweena’s access port! I’m warning you!!

Shipward: Can’t you see the ethernet cable hanging over the doorknob??

Yuri: Ah yes, the universal code. What a time for it though. Okay, Guri, look near the soup cannon controls. Isn’t there a manual override? There should always be a manual override.

Guri: I’m looking. Ah, it looks like this ship came equipped with a Manuel Override... but he left a note here, it says “Gone on siesta. Back at 2.”

Yuri: Gone on siesta?!?! Oh that’s just perfect...

Guri: What is a siesta? And what does ‘back at 2’ mean?

Yuri: Who knows? I think the writers are toying with us!

Guri: Captain, I have a bad feeling about this. Perhaps we should abandon ship and find another one that is not being purchased?

Yuri: Abandon a ship of this caliber? Never!! This is the ship I was born to captain!! Oh no… I think we’re moving again.

Guri: Oh goodness… we’re being spun around again… *unnnnhhhh**

Yuri: This is rather unsettling… and now it’s dark. What happened to the light?

Guri: Ugggg.. The emergency reserve power should kick in soon and light up the bridge at least… and the vacuum toilets…

Yuri: Well I sure hope so. You know I cannot do my numbers 1 through 7 in the dark. But it’s completely black outside these… what did you call them… win-dows?

Guri: I know, it’s as black as the dark side of Tortuga at the bottom of the Zirgan trench.

Shipward: Howdy, boys.

Yuri: Oh, well look who it is!!

Guri: Wow, it’s our very own gassa nova!! See what I did there?

Yuri: Ah, two can play at that game… let’s see here… Oh hello, O’Rion, you seem to have dropped your belt.

Guri: Not bad. How about: Back so soon, Shipward? Did she tell you hers was not your ass-ter-roid?

Yuri: Ok, that’s pretty good. Yes, I thought I saw a bad moon on the rise.

Guri: Aha… yes… talk about big celestial bodies...

Yuri: Let’s see here, I’m sure I can come up with one more… how about: What’s that trail behind you, your Milky Way?

Guri: Ewwww!!!

Shipward: That’s gross.

Guri: That’s way too far, Captain!! The censors from the Romulan Quadrant will be all over us now. And we’ll likely lose our late afternoon time slot on UBS. Why would you say that?

Yuri: What? I thought we were… that wasn’t any worse than what you said-

Shipward: No, it was much worse.

Guri: Yuri, you have to know that M-I-L-K is the four-letter word we can never utter!! It has hyper-lurid connotations in just about every corner of the universe.

Yuri: What? But it’s quite common at least in the local species here, it flows from the teats of mammalia, it’s ubiquitous in the Lurfian super-markets…

Guri: Aaggghhhhhh!! He’s talking about it again!!

Shipward: Captain, please stop. I have to agree with your co-pilot on this one. We will surely be cancelled if you continue with this language.

Yuri: You know what? It’s not worth the argument at this moment, when we find ourselves trapped in the dark, our beautiful new ship stuck in some primitive Lurfian container no doubt, and being transported who knows where… I can sense that we are moving… where are we being taken, you ask? What will become of your favorite Meeporpian explorers and their Toshiban stowaway? Will they ever get off of this distant, backwards planet? Will they ever get that appeal filed with the Office of Due Process and Appeals, “We due process appeals,” on Rom 3? I’m looking at you, Shipward, for that one.

Shipward: We’re back on a spaceship, Captain, we can just use the embroidery machine.

Yuri: What? We can? Oh well that’s good news. But these were rhetorical questions as I’m trying to wrap up the episode…

Shipward: Well I thought you addressed me, so I thought I’d answer.

Guri: He’s still learning the podcast format, Captain.

Yuri: Very well then. Where was I?

Guri: You were asking if we’d ever get our appeal filed, and you said, Shipward, I’m looking at you for that one, and then Shipward answered…

Yuri: Yes, yes… ok, thank you, Guri.

Guri: And then you tried to explain that you were asking rhetorical questions, although your mention of Shipward sending an embroidery did sound a bit like a command-

Yuri: I got it, Guri. I remember now-

Guri: And then I said, “He’s still learning the podcast format, Captain,” not wanting to question your command in front of the Toshiban…

Yuri: Awfully kind of you, but if you’d just stop-

Guri: And then you asked, “Where was I?” And then I replied, “You were asking if we’d ever get our appeal filed-

Yuri: Oh my, we’re in an endless loop-

Guri: -and I said that you said, Shipward, I’m looking at you for that one-

Yuri: Only one way out of an endless loop…

Guri: And then Shipward answered-

**ZAPPP**

Guri: Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh…. *starts singing “I’ll be Seeing You” as Yuri ends the segment*

Yuri: I’m sorry about that. But it had to be done. So, fair listeners, if you care to learn the answers to all those questions I asked about 10 parsecs ago, which I will not repeat again, you would do yourself a favor by tuning in to the next episode of Greetings Lurflings, the podcast that has everyone telling their travel agents to book a trip to anywhere but Lurf. Still, I imagine you’re all getting a good laugh at our misfortunes here… so until next time, I’m your Captain Yurishi Santana saying, “So long, and send help soon.” I’m serious. We could really use a rescue party… I wouldn’t even turn down a ride from the Kardashicons at this point.

**end of segment music**

C.C.’s House of Saws Ad No. 030721

Hank: Close your mouth, C.C., you’re staring at the women folk again in a way that’s not so good for business.

C.C.: And can you blame me, Hank?? Why it’s been nigh upon 7 days since Shirley left me and nearly two full days since I pledged to stop making cuckolds out of Dennis and-... well just Dennis-

Hank: I’m not an idiot, C.C., I’ve put two and two together regarding you and Hilda. The missus and I had a long sit down about it and we both decided that you weren’t worth the destruction of our two-decade-long marriage.

C.C.: No, I’m certainly not worth it… I am a low down and dirty skunk, I can see that clearly now. It’s just like my daddy used to tell me, just as my grandaddy told my daddy when he was little, and just like I’ll tell my little ones should I ever be so lucky some day-

Hank: What did your daddy used to tell you, C.C.?

C.C.: He used to say, “C.C., you’re good for nothing, but that’s good enough for me.”

Hank: Kind of a put down but reassuring at the same time.

C.C.: I come from a family with exceedingly low expectations, Hank. A-chev-ment was always frowned upon. Mostly because we couldn’t spell it or pronounce it correctly. Why once I came home from school with a D+ and I was beaten for trying too hard. My sister Lucille got a C- that same day but my folks thought that sounded worse, what with the minus. Stupid plus sign… if I just got a plain D maybe I would’ve eaten dinner that night.

Hank: This does start to explain some things…

Dennis: What are we yapping about over here? And C.C., you’ve got to stop leering at our female customers… I’ve been apologizing left and right over in the drill department… I made up a story about you being heavily medicated after suffering a stroke, and that seemed to calm people down.

Hank: Oh that’s good, maybe I’ll use that.

C.C.: You got a lot of women over there in the drill department, did you say?

Dennis: Not a lot, just a few, but don’t think-

C.C.: Maybe I should cover for you over there for a bit. You know, now that we all work in the same shop, we should set up a rotation and learn each other’s business and get to know each other’s clientele… and I mean ‘get to know’ in the Biblical sense…

Dennis: Yeah, why don’t you just stay right here, C.C. -- besides I don’t know how to work a table saw.

C.C.: Well that’s perfect, though… remember what I said about blood and gore attracting a crowd?

Dennis: That may be, C.C., but I like all my appendages right where they are.

C.C.: I know where I’d like to put my appendages… look at that hot momma over there with the cane…

Hank: Oh, C.C…

Dennis: Oh, is this about you swearing off of our women for the past two days? I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to find some new prey.

C.C.: Well, normally I get right back up on the horse there, but I don’t know what’s come over me the past two days, I’ve sorta been reflecting on things and not necessarily liking what I’m seeing…

Hank: Sort of a beauty and the beast scenario?

C.C.: How’s that, Hank?

Hank: Doesn’t the beast catch his reflection in the water or in a mirror or something and he loses all of his confidence?

C.C.: I don’t know it’s been a while since I’ve seen that one.

Hank: Oh me too… I mean it just happened to be on when I was flipping through channels the other night… on Lifetime, I think…

Dennis: Hank, please don’t dig yourself in any deeper.

Hank: Ok. You’re right… something just reminded me… it’s one of the best Disney movies though I think.

C.C.: You may be onto something though, Hank, with your mention of that girlish fairytale. I think what you’re saying is I’m like the beautiful girl in the story… and I’m trapped in this world that doesn’t understand me… the world is the beast…

Dennis: No, C.C., you’re the beast. You’re uncouth, unfit, out of place…

C.C.: But with a heart of gold and an inner beauty that can’t help but shine through? That’s awful nice of you to say, Dennis, but no… I think I’m the beautiful girl. If only I could learn to love this cruel, hideous, and unforgiving world.

Dennis: Well, good luck with that. Listen, I’ve got to run into town to pick up something for my nephew’s birthday this weekend. He’s turning 4 and my sister gave me this long list of things he’s into, so I’ve got to try to find one of them…

Hank: Are there any holes on his list? I’m having a half-off sale right now, half off any hole in the whole store.

Dennis: Let me see here… no, I don’t see holes on the list.

Hank: Donut holes? Well that’s more of a snack than a gift. Oh, what about these wiffle ball holes? Every kid loves wiffle ball.

Dennis: Little Runyan isn’t much into sports. Or not yet at least.

C.C.: Times are changing, friends. Not all little boys have to be into sports. I don’t know if you two read the news -- or even if you can read -- but we’re rapidly entering a post-gender world, and not to mansplain here but these last millennium norms do need to be left where they belong: in the last millennium!

Hank: Are you feeling okay, C.C.?

C.C.: I am not!

Dennis: Anyway, Hank, if you’d be so kind as to cover the drill department while I’m gone, I’m going to try to find a toy store or something. I should be back in an hour or two.

Hank: Sure thing, Dennis.

Dennis: And try to keep C.C. away from my customers, if you please? C.C., I’m going now but I’ll be right back, okay?

C.C.: Are you leaving me, pretty bird? They always leave me in the end… they’ve no sense of loyalty, these pigeons!!

Hank: C.C., maybe you should go lie down.

C.C.: Stool pigeons is what they are!! Always walking around in their own stool. Someone should clean these cages!! What?? I was reading- no, I wasn’t reading, Pa!! I was just looking at the pictures. Ok, Pa… I’ll clean the cages. Yes, I’ll use hot, soapy water!! I said ok, Pa!! I know… I’m good for nothing, but that’s good enough for you… that’s what you always say… I have dreams, you know!!

Hank: Seriously, C.C., let’s have you a glass of water and then go lie down in the rear tent.

C.C.: I don’t want to clean the cages!! What? Oh… Hank… sorry… what happened?

Hank: Well, I think you were having some sort of episode… or perhaps you were lucid dreaming?

C.C.: Lucy Dreamy? I haven’t seen her since high school. That’s one cat I never bagged, but not for lack of trying… ah… who’m I kidding? I’m no good, Hank, I’m no good!!! *sobbing*

Hank: Oh… well…

C.C.: *sobbing comes to an abrupt end* And cut!! Stop the tape, Ron. I think that’s a keeper for our next ad. Did you get all of that?

Hank: What? What’s happening?

C.C.: Oh nothing, Hank, just recording our next ad for C.C.’s and Dennis’ and Hank’s House of Saws, Drills and Holes.

Hank: That was an ad? You were having a breakdown.

C.C.: Gritty real life pointlessness and futility… it sells, Hank!! Just you watch. Customers are just on the horizon now, and heading our way. I’ll man the registers, why don’t you greet them at the door. And remember, if you need to saw it in half, drill a hole in it, or leave full of holes, well then you’ve come to the right place!! Come on down, and tell ‘em C.C. sent ya!!

Hank: We’re not recording anymore, I thought.

C.C.: Oh we’re always recording… no matter what I say… Ron gets it all...

**end of segment music**

Ask an Alien

This first question is from Gorgonstra on Tiberion 3, oh, one of the first questions we’ve received from a non-Lurfling:

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve found on Lurf thus far?

Stonehenge, David Hasselhoff, the international space station

This next question is from Hopeless in Houston:

When will we be able to trust a U.S. election again?

Democracy is for the weak and indecisive

Next question from Humphrey in Cape Hatteras:

If herbivores eat vegetables, and omnivores eat everything, do carnivores eat cars?

No, they eat carnivals. I don’t think that was a real question. Someone was trying to be funny.

Other questions:

What’s the best flavor of ice cream?

I’ve heard of cloning a sheep, but has anyone tried to clown a sheep?

When will the pandemic be over?

THEEND

(in which they send Theend on another mission, to get them some space tacos… because it’s been a while since they had any real space food. At the mention of tacos, Manuel Override shows up, back from his break…)