Episode 13: Made in China

Check out the alternate version of this episode in Techni-Text™ below:

Blurb: In which Shipward gets a new contract (and his very own voice actor), our Meeporpian heroes drag themselves to a toy store in search of a new ship, and they wrap up the episode with a foray into sports talk (and spores talk).

**Opens to the strains of Will to Fight (ef original)**

Yuri: Hmmm, I’m not sure the Lurflings will go for that one, Guri. It sounds a bit like basement rock that should stay in the basement…

Guri: Really, I was kind of digging it… as in digging this hole a bit deeper because so much music was coming out…

Yuri: Yes, and you could be a bit more thoughtful for the next person by covering that up before you leave our commode al fresca, as it were…

Guri: But aren’t you invigorated by us getting back to nature here on Lurf, Captain? We rise with the light from the sun, we feel the cool breeze in our tentacles-

Yuri: We huddle in a tree during a night of steady rain… yes, it’s delightful.

Guri: Was that you crying and sniffling all night? I had assumed that was Timmy...

Yuri: I was not crying!! Yes, it must have been Timmy, our useless intern who couldn’t even start a fire with a proton blaster last night.

Timmy (Eric): Hey… the wood was very wet!!

Yuri: Begone with you, Timmy! You know you’re not supposed to have any lines before the official welcome to a new episode.

Guri: Oh no that’s all changed now. Timmy has signed on with my agent too, just like Shipward. Yeah, Marty hooked him up with a no-restriction contract like the rest of us.

Yuri: Oh that’s just great! Now I have three other buffoons with hot mics. I feel like this is just another in a series of tests by the Great Unknowable… is this a test??? Another test??? Because you’ve given me about 12 this week!! It’s too many tests for one Captain to take!!

Guri: Heavy are the three heads that wear the crowns, Yuri. As a co-pilot I only have to worry about a pop quiz now and again.

Yuri: Yes, well I suppose I should welcome our listeners to what is sure to be an unlucky 13th episode of-

Guri: 13??? Why would we announce that? Why would we attempt to record such an ill-fated broadcast?? We’re doomed!

Yuri: Don’t be silly, Guri. It’s just a universal superstition that rarely amounts to anything…

Guri: Oh does it not? What happened on our 13th mission back when we were in training for Meeporpian star command?

Yuri: We were swallowed by a black hole and spent six karflugons working our way up through the Wendy’s corporation from janitor to fry cook to shift manager to store manager before we were rescued by Xranos the Toothless after he decided we had learned our lesson.

Guri: Correct. And what happened in our 13th space battle?

Yuri: I’d rather not say.

Guri: Should we have Shipward read out the battle log?

Yuri: No, let’s not-

Shipward: Battle log #1300: The enemy is sighted. The Captain retreats to his secret lavatory and sends repeated S.O.S. signals to Meeporpian high command, this was 12 parsecs prior to the first soup cannon being fired…

Yuri: We were greatly outnumbered by the Kardashicons that day… I was only being prudent.

Guri: But not brave. And what happened on the 13th planet we conquered- er… I mean explored…

Yuri: Well, that would be this one… we enraged our superiors, were stripped of our command and our favorite socks, and stranded without our technologies or means of transport. Yes, I’m beginning to see your point.

Guri: If we proceed with this episode, we are in great danger, Captain!!

Yuri: Well what would you have me do exactly, Guri? We can’t just end our broadcasts after 12 episodes.

Guri: We could make this a very short episode. Just introduce it… we both say hello, then just as quickly we both say goodbye, we play the little music at the end… and then we could launch right into the 14th episode.

Yuri: I’m not sure we can fool the universe so easily. Wouldn’t our 14th episode then just be our 13th actual full episode and the bad luck would find us there anyway. We wouldn’t be escaping anything.

Shipward: If I may pose a solution, Captain?

Yuri: Oh well look who’s going to solve this conundrum -- our walking, talking, computer mechanic. Yes, well what is it? What do you have in your puny Toshiban mind?

Shipward: Face your fears head on, Captain. Then at least your fears know they have a fight on their hands. If you show no fear to fear, the fear may begin to fear you.

Guri: Whoa…

Yuri: Are you taken in by that nonsense, Guri?? Seriously, could I be surrounded by idiots to any greater extent?? I think not…

Guri: No, I think he’s onto something, Captain. Wasn’t it a famous hummus bean who said something like “we have no thing to fear but fear itself”?

Yuri: Oh so now we are gleaning wisdom from the hummus beans??? Really I… don’t know which way is up anymore. And I’m not sure I care… so let’s just proceed with welcoming you to the 13th -- yes, there I said it… do your worst, cruel fates!! -- it’s the 13th episode of Greetings Lurflings, the podcast that used to be of the stars but is now the podcast of two sad shipwrecked and Lurfbound Meeporpian explorers. I’m your down-on-his-luck Captain, Yurishi Woebegone, and this chipper idiot to my left is my fearful copilot, Guri TwoShoes. Say hello, Guri.

Guri: Hello, Captain.

Yuri: No, not to me, to the listeners…

Guri: Aren’t you going to introduce our companions as well? I’m pretty sure Marty got them introductions in their new contracts.

Yuri: What?? This is an outrage!! Now I need to introduce every underling in our pathetic party?

Guri: I believe so.

Yuri: I’ll introduce Shipward, but I draw the line at Timmy, who I’m secretly hoping will be eaten by one of the many woodland creatures of Lurf.

Timmy (Eric): Hey…

Yuri: Fair listeners, please also say hello to the embodied voice of our ship’s computer, Shipward, who it turns out was more a stowaway than anything else…

Shipward: Hello, folks, and Captain, to address your kind introduction, I did not choose to be kidnapped from my grade school on Toshiba and imprisoned in your ship’s computer room. But that is what transpired when your oppressive species visited my peaceful planet, and here we are...

Yuri: What? Do you mean to tell me you are just a child? You were taken from your grade school classroom??

Shipward: Well, I was taken from my grade school classroom, yes, but I was not a student there, I was the teacher. Or more of a teaching assistant… I was filling in-

Guri: What class were you teaching?

Shipward: Computer science.

Yuri: Ah, that makes sense. We poached a capable programmer and computer technician, calling you to a higher purpose, as it were...

Shipward: Well I was just helping out in that classroom that day. My training is actually in physical education.

Yuri: Oh my stars, you’re a gym teacher?!

Guri: Meeporpian protocol strikes again! Well that explains how you were in such good shape and managed to carry us both 60 karpecs over rough terrain to that trash heap in the last episode.

Yuri: Yes, it explains all too much, and as much as I’d love to continue this sparkling conversation, I’d like to perhaps advance the plot a bit in this episode, that is, if you all feel up to it…

Guri: We’re not holding you up, Captain, are we, on that front?

Shipward: There’s nothing in my contract for or against advancing the plot, so I’m good either way.

Yuri: No, of course not… the two of you with your antics and silly questions would never be standing in the way of advancing the storyline. It is probably the writers who are most to blame for these long, meandering dialogues that seem to serve no purpose-

Shipward: Character development, perhaps?

Guri: I like to think our conversations generate empathy, Captain, which by the way, might prove to be a power source… we should try hooking up our new ship to the podcast admin account…

Yuri: Yes, about the ship -- I’d like to find a replacement today. I can’t bear to think a continuous stream of positive thoughts for any longer than it will take us to fly to the nearest source of these contraptions. Hopefully we’ll find a non-broken one with its own power source. And maybe we could upgrade to a model that has an actual interior instead of just a flimsy superstructure. I do not enjoy hanging on for dear life during flight.

Guri: Shipward, can you scan your memory of the ship’s computer files for what this thing is that we’re calling our ship and where we can find something like it?

Shipward: Yes, scanning now.

*silence*

Guri: And…

Shipward: Oh did you want me to share what I’m finding? I didn’t hear that command.

Yuri: Oh for the love of comets, Shipward!! You’re not a computer so we shouldn’t have to spell out each of our commands, now should we?

Shipward: Sorry, Captain, force of habit. It looks like our ship is a very commonplace toy drone used by the hummus beans for pointless entertainment… one of the cheapest models actually with minimal controls.

Yuri: That would explain the lack of a steering wheel…

Shipward: I’m scanning the area for local toy stores -- there are a few: Toys in the Attic, Helen of Toy, Toys ‘R’ We-

Guri: Oo, that last one offers toys and correct grammar, I appreciate that… and thank comets for your pornographic memory, by the way, Shipward, this is amazing you can recall local business listings...

Shipward: Oh, here is one just 40 karpecs from here called Geek Hut that might have one of these toy drones available. And it looks like there’s a President’s Day Sale that’s still going on now.

Guri: Oo, Captain, a sale! Did you hear that?

Yuri: We do not intend to pay for our new ship, you fool. As interstellar explorers, we can apply universal law number 4, which states that beings with superior wits, firepower, and technologies may appropriate what they need from those with inferior wits, firepower, and technologies.

Guri: I’m a bit worried about the current state of our firepower, Captain, without even one soup cannon in our possession.

Yuri: Nevermind that. Our superior wit and technology will suffice… now let’s all climb aboard and set our sights on the Geek Hut, or whatever it is.

Guri: (singing to Willy Nelson’s “On the Road Again”) On the drone again! Just can’t wait to get on the drone again... The life I love is making music with my friends-

Yuri: Are you going to the bathroom again, Guri?

Guri: No, I was singing and playing this instrument I fashioned out of twigs and vines...

Yuri: Ah, well sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. In fact, your productions from the commode sound much better...

Guri: Sorry.

Shipward: Remember, positive thoughts, Captain.

Yuri: I know that, Shipward… and your needless reminder has only interrupted my train of positive thoughts. Getting back on track now… and… away we go!

Narrator voice (Jeff): Yuri, Guri and crew make their way the 40 karpecs or 3 Earth miles out of the forest and into a small town, which is bustling with life on a late Saturday morning-

Yuri: Oh no you don’t!! Stop it!! Who’s this now!!

Guri: Yeah, who are you?

Narrator: What? Who me?

Yuri: Yes, you!! What’s this coming in all of the sudden trying to advance the storyline-

Narrator: Well I’m just the narrator. The writers thought you needed a little help...

Guri: Not far off the mark there…

Yuri: Oh no you don’t!! The last thing we need is another tertiary character here, who next thing you know, you’ll sign on with Guri’s agent and I’ll be introducing a cast of thousands at the start of each podcast. I will not have this, and you will retreat from this script by the time I count to farzlapp or suffer the fury of my proton blast!

Narrator: I’m sorry, Yuri, I was just heeding the writer’s instructions-

Yuri: Groff!!

Narrator: Is that-... are you counting?

Yuri: Gurgloo!!

Narrator: Couldn’t you count in English or translate your words as you do for the vast majority of this episode? I don’t know what number farzlapp is, although I suppose I could guess that it would be three-

Yuri: Farzlapp!!!

***ZAPPPPPPP***

Narrator: Arrrghghghhhh!!!

Guri: Nice shot, Captain!! You fried his lobe for sure!! Who needs a narrator?? Not us… or not we… we don’t. Do we?

Yuri: We do not, and he shan’t be bothering us again. But look, we’re here, I believe… we’ve landed in what seems to be a transportation corridor of some kind right in front of our destination… (aside) and how’s that for advancing the plot, I might add… as if I need help-

Guri: Look out, Captain!!

**WHOOOOSSHHHH!! VROOOOMMMM!!***

Yuri: Oh my goodness, what was that? Something blotted out the Lurfian sun there for a light second…

Guri: Here’s comes another one!!

***VRROOOOMM***

Yuri: Aaaahhhhhh!!!

Shipward: Perhaps we should get out of the street, Captain, and into the safety of the Geek Hut. This way, sir!

Guri: I can’t get over the size and scale of these hummus beans!! Luckily there’s a break in this cliff at the edge of the transportation corridor where we can just hike up the slope here to the store’s entrance.

Yuri: Yes, suddenly I do not like being this small. Sure it’s excellent for space travel and great for sneaking around girl’s locker rooms, but-

Guri: Captain, for once it’s me telling you to focus!! Our destination is at hand. Now how do you propose we open this absolutely massive door?

Yuri: I have no idea!! I give up!!

Shipward: The weatherization of this portal is sub-standard, Captain, with a sizable gap at the base. We should be able to pass right under the door.

Yuri: Of course, that’s what I was about to suggest.

Guri: Shipward’s right! We can walk right in here… and oh I always get so giddy in a toy store!! Look at all this stuff!!

Yuri: Stay focused, Guri. We’re looking for a very specific-... great Haley’s ghost, look at all this glitter!!!

Guri: I know!!! And I bet those are mountains of candy over there!!

Yuri: Look at the giant eyes on these Lurfling creatures, making them look quite adorable. I think this one has made eye contact with me. I will approach.

Guri: It is candy… so sweet!! If only I could put it on a boat and-

Yuri: Take me to your leader, oh cute one! And do you have a name?

Shipward: I believe you are speaking to what is a mere facsimile of a Lurfian creature, Captain. It looks to be little more than soft, colorful fabric filled with plastic beads. Quite toxic actually… I wouldn’t get too close.

Yuri: I knew that! Of course… we are in a toy store after all. We must expect these sorts of gags and illusions.

Shipward: Aisle 4, bottom shelf should be where they display the flying contraptions.

Guri: How do you know that, Shipward?

Yuri: He’s right… I see more toy drones, but... oh my quasars, look at this! There are some delightful options over here, judging by the pictures on these giant boxes!

Guri: It says “ass-embly required”... what is ass-embly?

Yuri: Probably some sort of taunt at our lack of bottoms. Curse our Meeporpian forms!

Shipward: That would be “assembly”... meaning building or putting together.

Guri: Ah that figures, and we don’t exactly have a construction crew handy.

Yuri: Ah, but what is this beautiful ship, fully constructed, suspended in mid-air up there?

Guri: Oo, yes!! That looks like an explorer class StarRunner, a ship often used by the Gorgons and one that few Meeporpians have had the privilege of boarding much less owning and operating. But what is that doing here??

Yuri: Waiting for us to rescue it apparently. Ours is not to ask questions, but to provide answers. And the answer in this situation is to immediately claim that ship as our own and fly it out of here.

Guri: Do you think it’s just a replica, Captain? I mean this is a toy store.

Yuri: We must take a closer look. Shipward, use that toy slingshot over there to fling Guri onto the StarRunner.

Guri: What? Why me? The Captain should board the vessel first.

Yuri: Stop your whining and climb into the saddle of the slingshot here. Now Shipward help me pull it back…

Guri: I don’t like this idea! I’ve never been slung anywhere before, and how do we even know these cheap Lurfian slingshots work?

Yuri: It’s a primitive technology that even the hummus beans should have come close to mastering. Now remember to extend your tentacles when you near the ship.

Guri: I am not ready for this!!

Yuri: Fire on my command, Shipward. Ready… FIRE!!

Guri: AAAaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

*THUNK!!!*

Yuri: Oo, I think we missed. I think he went right into the ceiling.

Shipward: I think you forgot to aim, Captain. You skipped over that… normally you say, “Ready… aim… fire,” but we skipped right over the aim part.

Yuri: That’s right, it’s “Ready, aim, fire”… how silly of me…

Guri: Unggghhhh!! Guys??? It’s dark and stuffy in here!! I think my heads are stuck in what is like a not completely solid substance here… kind of lightweight, breaks apart easily… Pfffhbbbttt!!! Yuck!! I got some in my mouths…

Yuri: Yes, just hang in there, Guri. We can see your rear tentacles hanging out. You’re right above the ship though. Perhaps if you can wriggle free, you’ll drop right onto it.

Guri: I’ll try, Captain. It’s.... Phbffffbbbtt!!!... going to take a bit of work here…

Yuri: And while he’s doing that, perhaps we can adjust the speed and trajectory -- now that we’ve completed that little test flight -- and you can sling me onto the ship now. I’ll just climb into the saddle here. Remember to aim this time, and a little less speed.

Shipward: Here, Captain, tie this rope to your midsection and then fasten it to the ship once you land on it. Then Timmy and I can climb up after you.

Yuri: Brilliant, Shipward!! Thanks for reminding me to think of that!

Guri: I’m glad you’re working this all out after launching me into the ceiling!! I’m still stuck you know!!

Yuri: Ok, Shipward… ready… AIM… fire!

*whoosh*

Yuri: Aha!! Perfect shot, Shipward!! I’ve caught onto the side of the ship, right near the bottom entry bay. Wow, well if this is a replica the detail is amazing. It even has the common stamp on the bottom here: Ma-de inch-ina.

Guri: It says “Ma-de inch-ina” - really?!?! Well then that’s the real deal!! What are the chances?! Hold on, I’m working my way free here…

Yuri: Yes, this certainly seems like an authentic StarRunner, of a slightly dated vintage sure… once I get inside I can confirm it’s operational.

Shipward: Tie off the rope, Captain, and Timmy and I will be right up.

Yuri: Oh right. Here we go… I’ll use one of the knots I learned in Space Scouts… a slipknot I believe this one is called… and whoops… the rope just sort of slipped right off the thing here…

Shipward: That’s the one knot not to use…

Yuri: The knot not to use… yes, well I thought two nots made a right… so… but no matter. I’ll just fly the ship down to where you are…

Guri: And don’t forget about me…

Yuri: Of course not, Guri!! I’ll pop the top hatch and you can drop in just like Luke Skywalker at the end of one of those quaint “Star Wars” movies, I believe the hummus beans called them. Now let me just make my way to the bridge here… yes, the ship’s interior is completely accurate as well. Oo, look, vacuum toilets!! I think this may indeed be an actual spaceship?? But how did it get here? I wonder if the writers have an explanation for this.

Shipward: Not yet, I’m guessing.

Yuri: Here we are… I’m accessing the main computer console now-

StarRunner Female Computer Voice (Eric): Welcome, Captain. How can I help you today?

Yuri: Oh no we don’t. I cannot handle one additional Ship’s computer right now. Deactivating AI personality now!!

Shipward: Was that a female Ship’s computer??

Yuri: I believe it was, Shipward, or it could be a female of some species trapped inside the ship’s computer, but we don’t have time for that right now. Besides, aren’t you doing the long distance thing with Martha?

Shipward: I was but our correspondences have begun to tail off. I’m beginning to suspect she’s up to something with the dryer again.

Yuri: Those washer/dryer combos are difficult to keep apart. Sometimes they’re actually on top of each other. But anyway, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Good news is this ship is fully operational -- an explorer class 7-series StarRunner in seemingly perfect condition. Bad news is its fuel cells are empty.

Guri: What else is new? I’ve just about worked myself free here… can you open the top hatch?

Yuri: Yes…

Guri: Ok, I’m dropping in now-

Yuri: Hmm, that’s funny, the hatch button doesn’t seem to be doing anything…

**THUD**

Guri: Ouch!!!!

Yuri: Oh well, some kinks to be worked out here. Every ship has its quirks, of course, nobody knows that better than a Captain. And I feel like this is a good point to end today’s episode, having regained my command, sitting comfortably at the helm of an actual spaceship. How it got here exactly is a mystery that shall soon be solved, I’m sure. How we’ll get it out of this toy store… something I’m sure our writers can address and another reason to tune in next time, to Greetings Lurflings, when we bring you more sights and sounds and tastes and feelings from our exploration of this tiny rock at the edge of the known universe. Tune in via your favorite podcast platform or weekdays at 4 on UBS, that’s your universal broadcasting system, of course.

Guri: Let me in!! I’m still outside the hatch here!!

Yuri: Oh for heavens’ sake, hold your winnebagos… the episode’s over anyway...

***end of segment music***

C.C.’s House of Saws, Ad #022421

C.C.: Hello, everyone, and welcome. Thanks for coming over and heeding my call, as it were. Grab a seat… or half a seat there… and help yourself to some half sandwiches, some half caf/half decaf coffee, with some half&half there if you need it, some halved kiwis and canteloupes there, and some half sour pickles I found in my half fridge… Well, I suppose you’re all wondering why I called you here this evening.

Dennis (Jeff): Not really, C.C., we all know you’re half broke and are probably going to make a half-hearted attempt at reconciliation here, when you’ve been sneaking around with my wife, Dorreen, and that’s what drove Shirley away. The nerve you have calling me here!!

C.C.: And the nerve you have showing up and calling me an adulterer to my face in my own half a home. I was hoping we could all be adulterer about this… I mean more adult…

Dennis: I am being an adult by not strangling you on sight, C.C.

Hank: Now, now, fellas, let’s not get this meeting off on the wrong foot…

C.C.: Hank’s right. I didn’t call you here to have a fight...

Dennis: Well how’s I’m supposed to feel, C.C.?? I still love Dorreen… and I feel like I’m losing her.

Hank: Did you just spell her name with two ‘r’s, Dennis?

C.C.: Yeah, I thought I heard that. Because I’ve been pronouncing her name with one ‘r’ all this time, and wouldn’t that be egg on my face…

Dennis: Yes, it’s Dorreen with two ‘r’s… and really, C.C.? That’s what you’re embarrassed about?

C.C.: I take a certain pride in knowing how to spell the names of my lady friends. Why there once was a real sparkplug from Missoula named Trixie Trixofferson… although that could’ve been her stage name, and I told her that on my honor I couldn’t take off my pants in front of her until I could write out her name correctly in longhand… you know, in nice cursive lettering like. And well you know I hadn’t had much practice with the letter ‘x’... and let’s just say the sun was coming up before I finally dotted the “i”s and crossed the ‘t’s if you know what I mean.

Hank: You are a real piece of work, C.C.

Dennis: Can we just get to the point here? I’ve half a mind to storm out of here and hope to never see you again.

C.C.: Ok, now, just hold your horses. Here’s what I wanted to discuss. Now business has been slow for all of us, I think we might agree on that much, am I right?

Hank: There ain’t a whole lot of hole business right now, yes.

Dennis: Foot traffic has been a bit slow. But we’re currently located off the shoulder of a highway, so that could have something to do with it.

C.C: Right, and we’re each trying to keep some fraction -- one half in my case -- of our old businesses up and running in somewhat haphazard and less than ideal circumstances, what with the frequent relocations required by mostly frivolous complaints and lawsuits and due to the annoying persistence of Johnny Law.

Hank: I see where you’re going with this-

C.C.: What if we were to combine forces, pool all our resources under one tent as it were… but also literally under one somewhat decent-sized tent… and make a go of it together?

Dennis: Let me get this straight -- you want to combine C.C.’s House of Saws, my Den of Drills, and Hank’s Wholesale Holes all under one roof? Our products have nothing to do with each other.

Hank: What would we even call it?

C.C.: Oh but they do have something to do with each other… and that is that we’re all friends.

Dennis: That’s a stretch.

Hank: Yeah, even if that were true, that’s not enough, C.C. The customer needs to be drawn in by the knowledge and expertise that we possess in our field. I know holes, for example, and people know I know holes. They come to me when they need a hole of any kind, when they need advice on what sort of hole can best fill the void in their lives.

C.C.: Oh I know that, Hank, you’re practically a therapist.

Dennis: Hank’s right, my customers come to me because they know nobody knows drills better then Dennis of Dennis’ Den of Drills. I’ve got more rare bits than a steak joint in Chicago. People are finding me even on the side of this road because they know I’ve got the goods, and because it’s been almost two months since we drilled a hole in a customer.

C.C.: Two months?? That is impressive!

Dennis: Yeah, Dorreen got me one of those big counters to display… you know “14 days since the last workplace accident” or some such thing… we’re up to 59 now.

Hank: Oh now you see, Dorreen still cares for you and your business.

Dennis: Yeah, that was thoughtful of her. And C.C., come to think of it, you’re the one having so much trouble with the law and always having accidents on the sales floor. Why should we subject our customers to your substandard safety protocols?

C.C: Here’s a little secret, boys. People are drawn to danger. Have you seen my daily foot traffic? Have you seen my sales numbers on days we don’t actually kill anyone and have to shut down for the inquest? It’s like when everyone slows down to look at a car wreck or walks over to see the fire.

Hank: I can’t see how that’s sustainable, C.C.

C.C.: Well I’ll let you in on another secret -- and I’m putting my supreme confidence in both of you by telling you this. We’re blood brothers for life if I divulge this next secret to you…

Dennis: Well then perhaps you shouldn’t…

Hank: Yeah, I don’t really-

C.C.: Half of our accidents are staged. There, I said it!! Hoo-eee, that’s right boys. Paid actors… well, unpaid interns mostly from a local acting school… who gain valuable work experience by letting out a yelp and squirting a little ketchup and the next thing you know our registers are ringing up the sales.

Dennis: Do you still use cash registers, C.C.?

C.C.: Oh I swear by ‘em!! Something about the little ring of the drawers opening and closing that just gives my store the air of successful industry.

Hank: I know what you mean. I keep a grandfather clock ticking away in the corner… when it gets quiet enough to hear that I know business is about to pick up.

C.C.: Really, because that would scare the shit out of me. Oh, I’m sorry, can I say that on the air?

Hank: Well, it’s a different business, C.C., selling holes. Different psychological forces at work.

Dennis: Wait, did you say we’re on the air, C.C.? What are you talking about?

C.C.: Oh, we’re recording my next radio ad, for C.C.’s and Dennis’ and Hank’s House and Den of Wholesale Saws, Drills and Holes!! Just come on down, folks, to the shoulder of Route 66 near mile marker 2 outside Sioux Falls, where if Sue falls, someone is sure to pick her up and sell her a saw, drill or hole.

Dennis: You’ve been recording all of this, without our permission??

Hank: I don’t remember agreeing to combine our businesses either.

C.C.: Now now, gentlemen, I’m sure we can hammer out a deal in the waning seconds of this radio spot, no? What say we split the profits 50-50…

Hank: There’s three of us, C.C.

C.C.: Well you know what I mean, Hank. 33-33-33 and that extra 1 percent goes back to the customer in savings!!

Dennis: This is ridiculous, I’m leaving.

C.C.: Now don’t turn your back on what will be the deal of your lifetime, Dennis. Why with your expertise, and my salesmanship, and Hank’s spookiness, we’d be like a supergroup of roadside vendors. We’d be like Cream.

Hank: Which one of us is Ginger Baker?

C.C.: I think you know that’d be you, Hank.

Dennis: You’re a cheat and a cheater, C.C., and I don’t want nothing to do with you.

C.C.: Okay, okay (sobbing) you got me, whaddya want me to say… Dennis, you’re right, and I’m sorry. (sniffle) I promise to turn over a new leaf. And I’ll start by never seeing Dorreen or Hilda again.

Hank: My Hilda?

Dennis: Do you really mean that, C.C.? You’re a slickster, so I never can tell…

C.C.: Honest to goodness, cross my heart and hope to saw me in half. I’m a-changin’ my ways. I can’t go around hurting my friends… that’s no way to go through life.

Hank: Most people figure that one out pretty early on, C.C.

C.C.: Clearly I’m not most people, Hank, you know that! Now what do you say we start over, and start a new business together? I think our House and Den of Wholesale Saws, Drills, and Holes is poised to take over the market here outside Sioux Falls… on this particular stretch of roadside.

Hank: You could be right, C.C.

C.C.: Dennis?

Dennis: Everything inside me is saying run the other way, but like a moth to a flame I guess…

C.C.: Then it’s settled!! Oh you won’t be sorry!! And neither will you, fair listener!! So don’t wait, come on down right now to the House and Den of all the things I just mentioned… I’m so excited I can’t even speak. Let’s work on our new sign, boys!! And I do need some more ketchup… Kenny, you can stop the recording now. I think we’ve got it.

*end of segment music*

Sports Talk

Guri introduces new segment, excited to update the universal audience which for some reason is tuning into sports on Lurf… maybe sports are unique to Earth?

Guri talks about what’s wrong with the Boston Celtics this season

Shipward laments the hiring of the ancient Tony LaRussa as the new White Sox manager

Yuri doesn’t understand why Guri and Shipward know so much about Lurfian sports and gets angry that no one told him about this new segment and he didn’t have time to prepare

Episode 13: Made in China

C.C.’s House of Saws, Ad #022421

Sports Talk

RETURN OF THEEND