Season 2 Episode 15 — Still Calling for Backup

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Season 2 Episode 15: Still Calling for Backup

_Summary: _In which brave Guri attempts to complete his mission to retrieve the backup tapes for the universe on Cloaca, one of the moons of Uranus, with a bit of help from pie-eyed Farit, who has ingested too much Cloacan moon dust.

Opens to strains of David Bowie’s… “this is ground control to major tom…” song

Yuri: Who is Major Tom? What is Guri going on about there… I thought we were losing contact with him…

Shipward: We will be soon… I think he was just relieving himself in his suit. He wasn’t saying anything to us in particular…

Yuri: Oh, I see.

Narrator: We left our hero explorers of distant, unimportant worlds at the end of the last episode as they were attempting a daring mission to Cloaca, one of the larger moons circling Uranus. Guri was sent on a poorly planned escapade to retrieve the backup tapes for the segment of the universe in which the Meeporpian explorers have been mostly trapped, humiliated, confused, demoted, scorned, spurned, turned around, thrown away-

Yuri: All right already!

Narrator: ...trod upon, swallowed, nearly digested, trapped under a tack, fired upon with superior weaponry-

Yuri: You’ve made your point!!

Narrator: pause -and generally abused by every being around them.

Yuri: Arrrrggghhhh!!!

Narrator: Anyway, at the point where we left off, Guri was rapidly approaching Cloaca’s surface with only his pair of parachute pants to slow him down.

Guri: I’m really not sure this is working… how did M.C. Hammer pull these off??

Narrator: Probably with a better sense of rhythm and rhyme.

Guri: Rhythm and-... I am hurtling towards a painful death, or at least multiple broken tentacles here!! I could use some actual help!!

Yuri: What’s that, Guri?? You’re breaking up… you could use some kelp? Shipward, do we have any kelp in the space canteen?

Shipward: If you didn’t put it on the shopping list, Captain, then I don’t think we have any… I told you we were short on greens, but you didn’t want to hear of it.

Guri: Static noise No, not kelp, you fools!! Help!! Static Help!!! Static

Yuri: Sounds like gibberish to me. I think we’ve lost our connection with him.

Shipward: Yes, he’s slipped under the horizon of Uranus now.

Yuri: He what?? He’s done no such thing!!

Shipward: The planet, Captain… Guri’s behind the planet now as we begin our slingshot orbital run.

Guri: Oh goodness the moon’s surface is coming up very quickly here! Cloaca approaching!! Parachute pants are deployed but they’re not slowing me down enough. Maybe if I turn out all of the pockets here, I’ll produce some extra drag. Here we go… and- Oo!! What’s this? A gold chip from Fanshooey?? I’m rich- WHHHOOOOOMMMMPPP pause Arrrrrgghhh!!! Oh… my tentacles… I’ve crushed them all I’m sure!!!

Yuri: I sense a great disturbance in the universe, Shipward. As if a thousand voices just cried out at once-

Shipward: I think that was Guri crashing into Cloaca. We must’ve caught a bit of his signal bouncing off another moon or something.

Yuri: Oh… well, I’m sure he’s okay.

Farit (Jeff): Fancy seeing you here, Guri! Bit of a hard landing there, eh? Well, hey, look!! A gambling chip from Fanshooey!! Today’s my lucky day!

Guri: groaning in pain No!! That’s mine!!

Farit: Whaddya mean it’s yours?? I just found it lying in this pile of rocks-

Guri: It was in my pants pocket before my crash landing just now. It must have gone flying towards you when I collided with the surface.

Farit: Well, consider it payment for the help and advice I’m about to give you.

Guri: I can’t… feel my tentacles… are they all broken, Farit?

Farit: Well they’re bent in all different directions but I think tentacles are supposed to do that anyway…

Guri: Well yes, but-

Farit: How would a doctor even know what to look for in an x-ray of a tentacle? Probably isn’t a straight bone in there at all… then again, what do I know, I only studied a bit of dentistry after college.

Guri: So what help and advice do you plan to give me? How do you even know why I’m here? And why are you here, for that matter??

Farit: Well for the same reason as you, I presume. I, too, returned from Fanshoeey to prehistoric times on Earth, and that’s no place for a ferret, no matter how unscrupulous a character I may be.

Farita (Paul): Who’s that you’re talking to, Farit?? And why are we still here?? The kids and I are ready to go!!

Guri: What? Who’s tha-

Farit: Guri, this here is the wife, Farita. Farita, this is Guri, one of the two Meeporpian explorers I was telling you about.

Farita: Oh, you’re the two with the podcast that’s taking the universe by storm, sort of. Can’t say I’ve listened to it yet, but maybe I should-

Farit: No, no, honey… it’s full of gibberish mostly, and nothing of interest.

Farita: Oh-... maybe we’re on the podcast right now!! Oh my… how’s my fur, Farit? And wouldn’t that be a hoot to hear ourselves on the broadcast?? I’ll have to tune in-

Farit: No really, dear. I wouldn’t do that.

Guri: Oh, yes, Farita… I’m sure you’d find it enlightening!! Farit has made quite a few appearances…

Farita: Oh he has, has he? All those times when he said he was running out for milk or for more vegetables from Runyan’s garden…

Farit: Honey, don’t be silly. It’s not Runyan’s garden… he’s just a small boy.

Farita: Well, yes, but he’s the delectable human child you promised us all for dinner one night, don’t think I’ve forgotten, only to let him slip through your clumsy ferret fingers.

Farit: And she wonders why I take any opportunity to escape, am I right, Guri? Up top…

Guri: I can’t move my tentacles just yet… still trying to regain some feeling in them…

Farit: Of course, of course. Well anyway, if you’re looking for the backup tapes for this segment of the universe, good luck. They’re all here, I assume, but they’re not labeled.

Guri: Not labeled?? Well then how in the universe are we supposed to get back to our world… in the proper time?

Farit: You’ve got me, Gurishi-baby. I was thinking of just grabbing a few and hoping we get lucky… or at least that we get out of the prehistoric period.

Guri: But we might end up in an ice age or some other even less hospitable time on Lurf.

Farit: Or we might end up in the summer of love, taking in the sights and sounds and feels of a society without any inhibitions, if you know what I mean. I’m down for those odds, I’ll tell you that much.

Guri: Well, you certainly are a hopeless gambler, Farit.

Farit: A hopeful gambler, is more like it.

Guri: Yes, and your hopefulness is what makes you a hopeless-... oh nevermind. I think my tentacles have recovered enough that I can hover about again. Now which way to the repository of backup tapes?

Farit: Well, the repository is that way, I suppose. Say, if I’m supposing about a repository, does that make it a suppository?

Guri: I don’t think so, no. Now wait a minute, you said you’ve already grabbed a few tapes. I suppose I’ll just grab as many more as I can carry… and then what was your plan for getting back to Lurf, Farit?

Farit: Oh, I don’t know… catch a ride on a shooting star, perhaps…

Guri: Farit, you’re not making much sense right now. Are you high or something?

Farit: Well I did sample some Cloacan moon dust earlier… and I’ve got to say, you’ve never seemed to be more beautiful a creature than you are right now, Guri. Really, the squiggly lines of your tentacles and the three stomachs…

Farita: (indignant) I am right here, Farit! What part of “till death do us part” are you forgetting??

Farit: (muttering) Probably the “us” part…

Guri: Okay, just keep your distance. I’m heading to the suppository-... I mean, repository, and I’ll be right back. Just don’t move.

Farit: I’ve got room to move, though, haven’t I? Cha-cha-cha… I’m dancing with myself like Billy Idol, aren’t I?

Guri: Oh goodness… I’m just hovering away now… he’s really embarrassing himself…

Farita: What is wrong with you, Farit?? You’re scaring the children!

Narrator: Meanwhile, back on the StarRunner, Yuri and Shipward are engaged in a fierce debate over the greatest albums of all-time.

Yuri: Well I hate to break it to you, Shipward, but the album you revere so much was actually produced on the dark side of my moon after too many steamed kirshdorfs on Planet Tortilla. Squeezed that whole work out in one sitting, as it were.

Shipward: I refuse to believe that. I know from my own dabbling with synthesizer technology that the lustrous soundscapes of that album could only have been produced by the members of Pink Floyd, experimenting with the latest keyboard technology of their time.

Yuri: Well you can cling to your theory if you want to, but I know the smelly truth.

Shipward: Captain, we should be coming back within radio signal range of Guri within the next twenty karpecs or so…

Yuri: Oh really? That was pretty quick. Do you think he’s had time to find the backup tapes?

Shipward: Well, we never really had time to go over the details of this plan – I’m guessing we will have to hope for the best and communicate the pickup window to Guri just as soon as we are able to re-establish contact.

Yuri: The pickup window… oh I see, he’ll be rejoining us through the ship’s win-dow… over by the loading bay?

Shipward: No, Captain, I’m referring to the specific place and time where Guri will need to meet us if he wants a ride back to Lurf. Otherwise he’s…

Yuri: Left completely adrift, I see! Well, it seems like we have a little bit of time before we can communicate with Guri, so perhaps we will take care of a little business and cut to commercial now.

Shipward: We only have 18 karpecs now until we clear the dark zone…

Yuri: Don’t worry, I think we are basically suspended in space and time during a commercial break, aren’t we? Or is that only in between episodes.

Shipward: I think it’s more in between episodes where the action can’t advance. I could be wrong… as a former gym teacher I never studied the ins and outs of pre-recorded dramatic production.

Yuri: Well I remember from our exhaustive and exhausting research on the flight to Lurf that when they would cut to commercial in an action-packed show like the Dukes of Hazard or Knight Rider, often the car featured in the show would be paused mid-jump over a flaming wreck as they cut to commercial. And then, when the show resumed, sometimes we’d even return to the action at a point slightly earlier than where we left it – like we would see the car hit the ramp that was conveniently placed before the flaming wreck all over again and go airborne so that we’d be treated to the full stunt as it resumed.

Shipward: Uh-huh. I see.

Yuri: So maybe we’ll actually go back in a time a bit when we come back from commercial! It’s another form of time travel. Oh, now I’m eager to see what happens when we come back…

end of segment music

Incontinental Airlines Ad #20220701

Anton (Eric): Anton Shelabernathy here from Incontinental Airlines with a little public service announcement about the birth of my beloved industry… that’s right, I happen to be able to share with you a rare recording of an interview with the famed founders of flight, the Wright brothers. On this old wax spool recording, Orville and Wilbur, two bicycle makers from Ohio, discuss how they stumbled into the field of aeronautics. Shelala, roll the tape!

Interviewer (Jeff): Well, this is Harry P. Moore with the Scientific American, and I’m here with the American founders of flight, Orville and Wilbur Wright, known to everyone as the Wright brothers, famous for their historic flight on the beach at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Is it true you both ordered a barrel of oysters as your last meal, in case you didn’t survive your test flights that day?

Wilbur (Eric): That is true, although that could have been a mistake, as I’m not sure they sat too well for Orville there.

Orville (Paul): They made me so sick!!

Wilbur: That was when we invented the little barf bag that goes in back of the seat in front of you.

Orville: I didn’t have the barf bag, so I had to use my shoe. But I didn’t need my shoe after I broke my leg on one of the landings.

Wilbur: Well, you won the coin toss, Orville, fair and square.

Orville: Yes, I thought we were flipping the coin to see who did not have to be the first to fly in that crazy contraption! Only a fool would-

Wilbur: No, no, you said you wanted your name in the history books, remember?

Orville: Well how did that work out for me, huh, Wilbur? Everyone talks about the Wright brothers. It’s only the “Wright brothers”... nobody even remembers which one of us was actually in the plane, wetting himself in fright and throwing up into his shoe and eventually breaking his leg in a very painful way.

Harry (Jeff): Well, speaking of historical significance, Orville and Wilbur, what do you make of the accounts from the Orient of their own inventors of flight, some of whom may have preceded you?

Wilbur: Well, of course, truth be told… and we can tell you the truth, right, Harry? You’re a science writer for a small technical publication? Nobody reads that. Yes, we really owe a lot to Kenny and Soo Wong, from the Sichuan province in China.

Orville: Yes, they had opened a very good Sichuan restaurant in Cleveland, which we began to frequent once we discovered their delectable dumplings and this very tender fish stew cooked in a hot chili oil where the filets just break apart and melt in your mouth-

Wilbur: Harry doesn’t want to hear about Sichuan cuisine, Orville. Even though it is very good, Harry, and if you’re ever in Cleveland, you should-

Harry: No, no, it’s interesting background-

Orville: Yes, shut up, Wilbur, and let me tell the story! It’s bad enough I have a permanently broken ankle and can never eat oysters again… at least let me recount how we stumbled upon our invention of flight.

Wilbur: I’m sorry. Go ahead, Orville.

Orville: So I was finishing up an extra spicy bowl of hot fish stew when Soo Wong came up to me with extra napkins, as he saw I was resorting to using the paper placemat to stem the tides of fluids pouring out of my nose and eyes, which of course is the sign of a very good spicy stew.

Wilbur: Mmm, indeed.

Orville: And Soo took the paper placemat out of my hands and made a rapid but careful series of folds, transforming it before my eyes into some sort of sleek projectile, the likes of which I had never seen before.

Wilbur: Yes, I was there too, and Orville and I could hardly believe our eyes as Soo gave the projectile just a slight push and it lifted up into the air and flew effortlessly across the room before landing in another customer’s hot and sour soup.

Orville: I spit out the tea I was drinking and exclaimed, “By the wings of Icarus!! What is that??”

Wilbur: And that’s when Kenny came out of the kitchen with another one of the paper contraptions and said, “You like? We call it paper airplane.”

Orville: And we said, “A paper what?”

Wilbur: Right, because of course we didn’t know what an airplane was at the time. We had only worked on bicycles to that point.

Harry: This is amazing. So the Wright brothers owe their inspiration for flight to two Chinese restaurant owners, Kenny and Soo Wong. Were they brothers?

Orville: Yes, the Wong brothers.

Harry: Well, of course, that’s perfect. The Wright and Wong brothers. The headlines write themselves here.

Orville: Yes, so we examined the paper airplanes that the Wong brothers had invented, Wilbur and I, and we thought: this just might work for finally getting people off the ground and into the skies.

Wilbur: But we would need a very big and sturdy piece of paper, I told Orville. And probably an army to fold it.

Orville: At which point I clocked my brother off the head with a fortune cookie and said, “No, you fool, we can make some modifications to the design”… you see, the key was understanding the lift forces on the wings…

Wilbur: Yes, well, the rest, as they say, is history. Orville did convince me to stop looking for giant pieces of paper and together we came up with the designs that met with such success at Kitty Hawk.

Harry: American newspapers have largely credited you two with the invention of flight. Would you like to take this opportunity to share some of the credit with the Wong brothers?

Orville: They made a plane that could carry maybe a small group of ants from one side of a restaurant to another. We made the planes that today carry small groups of people from one city to the next. These are very different inventions. And I promise you the Wong brothers didn’t break any bones or throw up any oysters while making their discoveries!

Wilbur: Well, they might’ve thrown up some oysters… did you ever try their seafood surprise stew?

Harry: Well, Wright or Wong, I’m sure history will sort it out. That’s all for now. I’m Harry P. Moore, with the Scientific American, and I’ve been speaking with Orville and Wilbur Wright. Thank you for your time, gentlemen.

Anton: Woweeee, ladies and gentlemen… wasn’t that enlightening. This stroll–or should I say, flight–down memory lane was brought to you by Incontinental Airlines. Remember, when you gotta go, fly Incontinental!

end of segment music

Resume Season 2 Episode 15: Still Calling for Backup

Shipward: Captain, we should be coming back within radio signal range of Guri within the next twenty karpecs or so…

Yuri: Twenty karpecs? Shipward! It worked! We came back from commercial and went back in time a bit. Just like on those Lurfian television shows after a commercial break, when the action was paused… hey, if we go to another commercial, we might go back in time far enough to actually work out a real plan with Guri!

Shipward: I doubt that will be the case, Captain.

Yuri: It’s worth a try. Quick… let’s cue another commercial… where’s that end of segment music??

end of segment music

Zoltan and Esa and Rakiya’s Bottomless, Now-Somewhat-Deflated Ball Pit Ad #2022-05-05

Zoltan: Rakiya, what deed I tell you about keeping zee balls inflated? Eet looks like Times Square on New Year’s Day in here with all zee half-deflated balloons and when zee ball has been dropped and flattened on zee ground…

Esa: Or it looks like you work for zee New England, how do you say, Patriots, deflating the balls for zee Tom Brady-

Zoltan: Hey now, they never provided any real evidence on that one, and they took no account of Boyle’s Law, which would explain why balls that are perfectly inflated in a warm locker room may deflate a bit in zee cold winter air…

Esa: Acch, Boyle’s Law-... less of a law than a postulate, I would say-

Rakiya: Usually the only complaints I get are when zee balls are over-inflated, if you know what I mean.

Zoltan: How do you re-inflate the balls, Rakiya… some of us are most curious…

Rakiya: Well, eet ees not so complicated but eet can take a leetle time. I do need to handle each ball, and as you can see, there are so many balls and only one of me…

Zoltan: Ah, but we know you can handle zee balls… I mean, zee job very well, Rakiya. Ees eet getting hot in here?

Esa: Perhaps you should tell our listeners about our new promotion, Zoltan. That ees why we are recording this new commercial?

Zoltan: Commercial? What? Oh yes! Of course!! I am sorry, I was getting distracted by our leetle Minsk here. But there is plenty of time to play hide zee kremvisch later.

Rakiya: You can try to meet me in zee ball pit again, brother! You too, Esa!

Esa: Acch, no!! We will not fall for that again, Rakiya!! You very bad girl when you treek us before!

Zoltan: Yes, fool me once, shame on you, Rakiya!! But fool us twice… you will not!

Esa: I think the shame was on all of us last time, my brother. There was plenty of shame. I am still ashamed.

Zoltan: Yes, well, fair listeners, we invite you all down to Zoltan and Esa’s Bottomless Ball Pit at the corner of Pulaski and Route 2 outside Sioux City. You will want to come now that we have a new super special promotion, where whosoever shall find zee magic ball in the ball pit will win a trip to – wait for eet to build zee suspense… oh, I see that was a note to myself in the script here, achhh! Shoot me in zee head, can we take that again from zee top?

Esa: We only have so much tape, Zoltan, on zee reel-to-reel. And we’ve been using the same tape for many commercials now, so I don’t think we can erase it anymore.

Zoltan: Ach fine! We keep going. Should be a lot of suspense now anyway… yes, you foolish, I mean lovely Americanski, we will award whoever finds zee magic ball with a free trip to, yes, you guess it right, zee Black Sea!!

Esa and Rakiya: Ooooooooo!!! That’s nice!!

Zoltan: And you know why they call it zee Black Sea? Do you, Esa?

Esa: No… why do they call it that?

Zoltan: Because it was discovered at night! It was very dark. And they said, “Thees ees a black sea… it ees very black.”

Esa: Just watch out for zee Russian navy at zee moment-

Zoltan: Stop eet, Esa. Zee Russian navy is not anywhere near where we will be sending our unlucky winners. No, while we make every effort to lose your children in zee bottomless ball pit, you and your significant other will be basking in zee harmless rays on Sunny Beach, a well-known Black Sea resort in our seester country of Bulgaria.

Esa: Bulgaria? The land of sunflowers and rose oil?

Zoltan: That ees the one!

Rakiya: I was actually named after the strong, homemade plum brandy that zee Bulgarians drink. You see, my parents conceived me after drinking an entire bottle of rakiya one night in a Balkan campsite, with the old man caretaker watching from behind a bush.

Esa: That ees creepy.

Rakiya: What ees creepy ees that the caretaker became a family friend and ees also my Godfather. He always give me long hug… too long… eet becomes uncomfortable…

Zoltan: Oo, I’m sorry, my leetle Minsk.

Esa: Yes, thees is very bad. Eet almost makes me sorry for zee way my brother and I always try to lure you into the ball pit.

Rakiya: Don’t feel sorry for Rakiya. I am zee Mistress of the Hose! I take care of myself… and many others on a nightly basis.

Zoltan: Yes, well anyway, on Sunny Beach our lucky weeners will enjoy 3 days and six nights in a two-and-a-half star hotel with endless buffet breakfast and a limitless supply of tiny thin towels for bathing and swimming in zee hot mineral springs.

Esa: No matter how many towels you take, eet ees not enough to dry yourself or even to cover your unmentionables.

Zoltan: Yes, and clothing ees optional on Sunny Beach. That ees why eet ees called Sunny Beach. Many suns and moons you will see…

Rakiya: Unless you go at night, when zee Black Sea is truly in eet’s element. Some say, eef you close your eyes and wade into zee waters up to your neck, you can sometimes feel zee pull of history, tugging at your feet… zee lost souls of zee past begging you to join them… eet would be so easy, you theenk… and as you sink into zee sand and zee dark waters rise above your lips, you find zee answer to zee questions haunting all of mankind since zee start of time…

Zoltan: Rakiya, are you okay? I’m starting to worry about you.

Esa: You are just starting now to worry about her? My brother, a church mouse couldn’t be more blind…

Zoltan: Ees zee church mouse blind, or ees it quiet? I thought it was the door mouse, whatever that ees, that ees blind, but the church mouse has to be quiet when people are saying their prayers…

Esa: You should be saying your prayers, brother, praying that you will find a heart, and a brain while you’re at it…

Rakiya: Don’t you two worry about me… I have died and come back to life six times already.

Esa: Yes, yes, Zoltan let’s just move on with zee commercial.

Zoltan: What does thees mean, she has died and come back to life six times already? Thees ees scaring me. What sort of half seester are we dealing with here?

Esa: Zoltan-

Zoltan: Ees she a vampire, perhaps?

Esa: Just finish zee commercial… we are running out of tape.

Zoltan: Okay, but I do not consider thees matter settled. We will come back to this… just like I hope all of you will come back to Zoltan and Esa and Mistress of the Night Rakiya’s Bottomless Ball Pit. Come soon for a chance to win a trip to zee Black Sea!! Until next time, remember if eet’s not bottomless, then it’s not a ball pit worth throwing your kid into!!

end of segment music

Resume Season 2 Episode 15: Still Calling for Backup

Shipward: Captain, we should be coming back within radio signal range of Guri within the next twenty-two karpecs or so…

Yuri: Ah this is no good. We’re only going back in time two karpecs or so at a time. At this rate it will take too long to go back in time far enough to actually formulate a plan with Guri.

Shipward: We’ll just have to hope he’s doing some of his famous thinking on his feet-...

Yuri: He doesn’t have any feet though.

Shipward: Right. Hence the usual outcome that leaves something to be desired. But maybe he’ll stumble into something resembling ingenuity and competence… should we cut away in the podcast now to where he is and let the listeners find out?

Yuri: Yes… but how do we do that?

Shipward: I think the narrator has helped us do that in the past.

Yuri: Ah! Right! Good thinking, Shipward. Narrator… oh, narrator! Where are you?

Narrator: Sorry, I was in the loo! Just freshening up after the commercial break and also I think some of that old fruit in the canteen is going right through me.

Yuri: What fruit in the canteen? There’s nothing resembling fruit there unless you mean the shrunken heads we took as trophies from the Cantorians on our last trip to the Nogo sector…

Narrator: gasp Oh my lord… I thought those were old pears… breathing deeply

Yuri: Are you okay?

Narrator: (with difficulty) I’ll be… okay. Meanwhile, on the surface of Cloaca, Guri was… oh no!! Cut… just cut to Guri!! (growing distant) I’ll be in toilet number #3!! groaning

Guri: Farit, I know you ingested a lot of moon dust recently, but try to focus for just a second here… you must have flown to Cloaca in a ship of some sort. Where is your ship??

Farit: Where isn’t my ship, man??? It’s all around us!! Can’t you feel it???

Guri: No, I can’t feel your ship all around us!! Oh this is getting nowhere. Look, we’re just going to have to jump for it and hope we reach the rendezvous point with Yuri and Shipward.

Farit: That’s right, there’s like zero gravity on this moon-

Guri: Well not zero gravity, otherwise we wouldn’t be standing on it-

Farit: No, it’s just about zero, man. We can just launch ourselves into space… no need for any boosters, although I will take a booster of that moon dust before we go… just a little bit more here… all aboard the nostril express! Who wants a ride on the noggin toboggan?!

Guri: Farit, please!! You’re setting a very poor example for the children listening to the podcast right now.

Farit: The children? Oo, are they delectable little cherubs?? I bet they’re scrumptious!! Come here, little ones!! Come to old Uncle Farit… I’ve got a little story to tell you here by this well… take a seat, and look down the well if you dare. What’s that? You want a closer look?

Guri: Oh my comets, we are just racking up the pathological behaviors now, aren’t we, Farit? Seriously you must get a hold of yourself.

Farit: Well you first!

Guri: Me first what?

Farit: First to get a hold of yourself… your tentacles are flying every which way. You look quite out of sorts.

Guri: Well yes, ever since the crash landing here on Cloaca, I’m not quite able to control the movements of my lower tentacles. I do fear they sustained some damage!

Farit: Brain damage? No, I doubt it. This stuff is fine! Here, try some.

Guri: Oh, that’s it, Farit. I’m just leaving you here! Give me those tapes, I can stuff them into my parachute pants here. The pockets are quite deep and expansive.

Farit: You’re leaving me? But whosoever shall I make fun of? Wait, that’s not correct grammatically, I don’t believe. Is it… of whomsoever shall I make fun? But that sounds far too stilted-

Guri: Oh shut up!

Farit: You know who was far too stilted? My Aunt Chamberlain. She got a pair of stilts for Christmas and was on them everywhere she went. Even at home around the burrow. Impossible for her to really get in or out of the burrow, really, whilst on stilts, so she-... say, that sounds funny. Whilst on stilts. Oh, that would’ve been a great nickname for her: Whilst on Stilts Chamberlain.

Guri: What?

Farit: Like the famous basketball player – or do you not follow sports?

Guri: Well actually we did try a podcast segment focused on Lurfian sports, and while it was quite popular around the universe, it was not as popular as our spores talk segment, which-

Yuri: Guri, is that you?? If you’re talking about our spores talk segment, it was–as I predicted–a very big hit in all the major markets across the universe. Who is that you’re talking to?

Guri: Farit is here. Although he’s in no condition-

Farit: Hello, Yuri, how’s your latest foray into ineptitude going? Get it, I sort of made a play on words on the “fortress of solitude” idea there…

Guri: That didn’t work very well. You’re as high as a Zithrissian cloud over Pandor right now and should not be attempting any wordplay-

Yuri: Guri! Stop your jabbering away down there and launch yourself towards the pickup window, which by the way, is not the ship’s window, as Shipward informed me earlier, but rather the time and place-

Shipward: You really need to get going now, Guri. Jump in the direction of the Rom nebula if you can… it should be at about 11:00 in the cosmos above you.

Yuri: Guri can’t tell time, you know that, Shipward!

Guri: No, but I can spot the familiar stars of the Rom nebula, shaped sort of like an old fashioned lyre surrounded by a blundersac.

Yuri: Nevermind what it looks like, just jump for it!

Guri: Well okay, although I’m a bit weighed down here by all of these backup tapes.

Yuri: Oh, yes, I almost forgot to ask – so you did find the backup tapes then?

Guri: Well yes, but all unlabeled, so I just grabbed a bunch of them and we’ll have to hope for the best.

Yuri: Yes, well you know how I run our missions, Guri… we always hope for the best, but we plan for the second best… just in case things don’t go quite as planned.

Guri: That’s funny, because usually things go very far astray from the plan, perhaps we should plan for something much worse than the best… plan for the various contingencies-

Yuri: Oh no, we’re not going to try that again. The last time we tried to plan for all possible contingencies we got absolutely nowhere.

Guri: Well, we survived, didn’t we?

Yuri: Yes, but no thanks to the ridiculous contingencies you made us sort through…

Shipward: Guri, if you haven’t jumped off the surface yet, you’re not going to make it. But hold on, I’m getting a reading from a small crater near your current location, I believe.

Yuri: Oo, a reading? I love a good reading, like at a wedding, maybe from the Book of Isiah?

Shipward: Not that kind of reading, Captain.

Yuri: Oh.

Shipward: I’m detecting periodic emissions of hot gases from a crater on the surface of Cloaca just a karpec or so away from you, Guri. Do you see it?

Guri: Hmm, I’m looking… oh yes!! I saw a thermal blast just now.

Shipward: Excellent. If you position yourself over the crater in between blasts, it should propel you towards the pickup window.

Yuri: Again, not the ship’s window, but the time and place-

Guri: I understand, Captain! I’m not a fool who needs things explained to me at least three times in a row before I grasp the concept.

Yuri: What are you implying-

Guri: Oh my stars, the smells coming from this crater are not good… not good at all!

Shipward: Gases expelled by Cloaca are known to be foul-smelling to the point of being toxic, so maybe hold your breath, Guri, when you position yourself for your jump.

Guri: Hold my-... oh that’s just great. You know I can’t hold my breath very long at all. That’s why I always lose at bobbing for groggles.

Shipward: I would’ve guessed your three heads would have been the main hindrance there…

Guri: Well, we use three buckets for that game on Meeporp, so that’s not the problem. No, it’s mostly my third head who panics at the mere thought of holding his breath. (slightly different voice) I do not! (orig. voice) Yes you do!! (third voice) You do, Gurini, it’s pretty obvious. (second voice) You know I’m tired of you two always ganging up on me-

Yuri: Wait a minute, hold on, all three of you! This seems like a very late point in our podcast to introduce the idea that our three heads can each speak and argue with each other. Writers! Explain yourselves, or you must leave off of this idea at once! (slightly different voice) Yeah, explain yourselves! (original voice) Oh my comets! Now one of my other heads is talking!

Guri: Our other heads are often in a dormant state, assuming the personality and expressions of our central head… except for in high stress situations or when specifically referenced in conversation, as my third head was a moment ago. That’s when our additional heads will start thinking and speaking for themselves.

Shipward: That makes sense.

Yuri: What? It does not make sense! We’ve been in many high stress situations during this podcast – usually a few times in each episode, I’d say – and we haven’t heard two peeps from our peripheral heads in nearly 40 episodes! I’d say it’s too late for our hack writers to suddenly spring this idea on the listeners, much less on us!

Shipward: Maybe it’s called character development…

Guri: Yes, that makes sense, Captain… characters are supposed to develop over the course of a story or a series of stories-

Yuri: They aren’t supposed to develop new abilities!!

Guri: What if I were taking Spanish classes? Then I would be developing a new ability, wouldn’t I?

Yuri: What?? This is ridiculous!! But fine… let’s just proceed, I can’t quite see what we can do about it now anyway. We can’t unsay or unhear the words our other heads have spoken.

Guri: It is going to make our scripts a bit more complicated.

Yuri: Well, the other heads seem to have fallen silent for now at least, so let’s just get back to the storyline… where were we?

Shipward: Guri was assuming the launch position over the crater on Cloaca and preparing to hold his breath.

Guri: I’m ready! Taking one last gasp of foul Cloacan air now! deep inhale

Yuri: Isn’t he wearing a space suit? None of this makes any sense!

EXPLOSION WHOOOOSHHHH

Guri: Woooooooaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! I’m just expelling breath here, not breathing in!! Uh oh… I need to breathe in again!

Yuri: Don’t do it, Guri! You’re in a toxic cloud of Cloacan gas!

Guri: But… I have to!!

Shipward: Hold out just a bit longer, Guri, and the toxins should be dispersed enough! Your trajectory looks to be accurate and we should meet you at the pickup window soon.

Yuri: I’ll throw open the curtains!!

Shipward: Not that window, Captain.

Yuri: Oh, right.

Guri: Can’t… resist… breathing in!! Have to… do it… now! LOUD INHALE (gurgling, choking sound)

Yuri: Guri!! Hang on!! He’s choking on the poison, Shipward!

Shipward: I’m aware… I’m activating some reserve oxygen blasts in his spacesuit now.

WHOOSH

Yuri: Guri, can you hear me?!

Guri: gurgle gasp Guhhhhhhhhh!!

Shipward: He may need medical attention as soon as we bring him aboard. Preparing to open the recovery hatch.

Yuri: I’ll alert Nurse Boop in the medical bay.

Shipward: Hatch open. Guri is on path to enter it… now!

Guri: Ahhhuhhhhhhhhh!! CLUNK

Shipward: Guri secured, hatch is closed. Decontamination commencing.

Yuri: How are his vitals?

Shipward: Physically he seems okay. We’ll have to see how the toxins impacted his mental functions.

Yuri: Guri, can you hear me? Guri, come in.

Guri: Weeewaaa, weeeewaaaa!

Yuri: What’s that? He’s speaking nonsense. Is that his main head?

Shipward: It is. The other ones are making even less intelligible noises or… just drooling.

Yuri: Oh mother comet! I haven’t seen him like this since the last time I photon blasted him at the end of an episode! Ahem… don’t worry, Guri! Nurse Boop will get you straightened out in a jiffy!

Guri: Boopity boo boo. Boofy boo. barking sounds

Yuri: Oh my… this might be worse than I thought.

Narrator: What does the future hold in store for our favorite explorers? Will Guri regain his Meeporpian senses? Will the backup tapes he retrieved from Cloaca help them return to Lurf in the time that they left it? Will we ever return to the main storyline that we left so many episodes ago?? Find out next time on…

Announcer (Paul): Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetingssssss Lurf-lings-... no! No! That’s not right!!

ad lib ending with THEEND making appearance and being upset that there was no cue for him to appear during the episode. Yuri and Guri try to explain that typically THEEND is just at the very end of the episode, after which there is no dialogue. “Dialo-goo?? My old friend! Cousin of Epilo-goo and Prolo-goo. Then there was Monolo-goo, who was always off on his own. Black sheep of the family.” Other log-oo cousins: Travelog-oo… always off on some adventure. Catalog-oo, always at the library.

podcast, Season 2, Season_TwoYuriJuly 26, 2022season 2