Season 2 Episode 14 — Calling for backup

Check out the full Techni-Text™ version of the episode below!

Season 2 Episode 14: Calling for Backup

Summary: In which our Meeporpian heroes call Meeporpian tech support to troubleshoot a faulty "Home" button on their ship's console, only to be sent on a wild goose chase in search of the back up tapes for the universe.

Opens to the strains of Passover Passed Me Over

Narrator: We rejoin our Meeporpian friends and their traveling party in a prehistoric landscape, full of large winged creatures and even larger – one might say “mountainous” – non-winged creatures, who are all going about their business as the sun is rising over a distant, misty mountaintop… or is that a dinosaur? I’m not sure… and as the dew drops lay heavily on the meadow grass and amidst the quiet rustling sounds of contented grazing and the distant warblings of the-

Yuri: Oh, shut up!! If you won’t leave us alone, at least make your unnecessary introductions as brief as possible… nobody cares about the mist and the dew and the warblings-

Narrator: Well, I’m sorry, I’m just trying to paint a picture for the listening audience-

Yuri: OH MY COMETS!! Look at the size of that creature!!!

Narrator: Right, like that, see? Now you’ve used dialogue to convey a sense of your surroundings, whereas I, as a narrator, must be a bit more prosaic-

Yuri: Oh shut up!

Guri: Captain, what did you do? You hit the home button, right? The comet symbol on the command console like Farit told you?

Yuri: I did! Of course I did, I’m not an idiot.

Guri: Well… (pregnant pause)... this doesn’t look like the bottom of a well outside Sioux City, so where could we be?

Yuri: Shipward? Status report!

Shipward: Well checking the old ship computer’s memory banks, I’m seeing that large creatures such as the ones we’re seeing outside the ship now once roamed the Earth-

Yuri: Earth? What’s this Earth?

Shipward: Sorry, or Lurf, as you call it. These large creatures are called dinosaurs, and they were the dominant life form on this planet for 165 million years.

Guri: About how many karflugons is that?

Shipward: About 500 million karflugons.

Yuri: That’s a long time indeed. Well perhaps our search for intelligent life has led us to the right place after all… any such creature that could survive for so long-

**YEEAAAAACCHCCHHH!! YEAAACCHCHH!!!! (Eric imitating annoying loud sound of pterydactyl stuck in a tree)

Yuri: Great gamma rays! What is that??

Narrator: It looks to be one of the large winged creatures who has got his head stuck between two branches of a tree.

Yuri: deep sigh Well, the search continues, I guess.

Guri: Yes, I’ve been studying this ginormous creature over here while we’ve been talking and he is just munching on greenery ever so slowly, either because he’s lost in thought or because he has absolutely no thoughts whatsoever. Perhaps if we could get a bit closer we could do a brain scan.

Shipward: Don’t waste your time… it looks like that for as big as that creature is, its brain is not much bigger than our ship here.

Yuri: Well but this is a first class StarRunner… a very nice ship and quite spacious…

Guri: Yes, it’s spacious for us, Captain. That doesn’t mean it’s big enough to be an adequately-sized brain for that huge creature.

Yuri: But look at all the room I’ve got here! I’m stretching out all my tentacles and I can’t even touch the ceiling or the sides or anything.

Guri: Well spatial relationships was never your strength.

Yuri: What are you talking about? I’ve had many relationships in space.

Dinosaur (Eric): Excuse me, sorry to interrupt but I can hear you-

Yuri: Who’s that? What’s that voice?

Shipward: I think it’s one of the dinosaurs outside our ship here.

Yuri: Oh, wow. I didn’t know they could hear us… or speak even.

Dinosaur: Yes, hello. We can speak and I can hear you. And I have a name. It’s Sherman Delillo Clemens.

Yuri: Oh, hello, Sherman-

Sherman: Yes, there’s a lot you don’t know about us dinosaurs. Why, for example, just earlier I heard you say we were roaming the Earth. We’ve had other time traveling visitors before and they’re always saying “when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.” Who’s roaming? No one I know is just roaming the entire planet. I’m not roaming the Earth. I live right over there at 12 Swamp Lane. I haven’t left this patch of land for years now. And why would I? I have everything I need right here. Some leafy greens. Some dew drops to drink.

Yuri: Oh here we go again with the dew drops…

Sherman: And what was the handsome one there going on about before about the size of our brains? Maybe it didn’t occur to you that we use our entire brains, unlike some other creatures I know. So the size of our brains is quite sufficient. I speak 12 languages and I’ve got a doctorate in philosophy.

Yuri: Oh you do? Well then I suppose you’d be able to tell me the difference between a Freudian slip and a Jungian conception of the unconscious?

Sherman: Who? Freud and Jung? The ice cream makers two mountains over? I do love their Pterodactyl Crunch.

Yuri: Oh… nevermind. Yes, come to think of it, why would I even know who those Lurfian nitwits are?

Guri: They were mentioned in our briefing holograms we absorbed on the voyage out to this remote corner of the universe, Captain.

Yuri: Oh, right.

Sherman: Well, the two of you bore me. I’ll go back to munching on my leafy greens, lost in thought, if you must know, and not lost for thought.

Yuri: Yes, point taken, Sherman. Carry on. Just don’t crush us… please watch where you step… and swing that giant tail…

Guri: Umm, Captain, maybe we should try to figure out why hitting the home button took us to such a different point in time. Could I take another peek at the command console, perhaps?

Yuri: What’s wrong with your distant second-in-command console?

Guri: What… this? I think it’s an old calculator watch from the 1980s… it’s…hardly a console at all, really. It does include a very primitive video game though… which I love. I have the high score.

Yuri: I’m sure you do. Let’s see here, let me just scan the other buttons on the console here which I had never really paid much attention to… hmm, there’s a question mark icon here. That might be promising, as we do have a question.

Guri: Oo, yes, is that a help button?

Yuri: I don’t think so – when I hover over it, it just says “Text Support” – and if there’s one thing this podcast doesn’t need it is text support. There’s far too much text already, if you ask me.

Shipward: I believe that reads “Tech Support,” Captain. And that may be exactly what we need.

Guri: Yes, tech support!! Of course, didn’t we see the giant offices for Universal Tech Support on Rom 9, on the way to our many hearings at the Office for Due Process and Appeals… We Due Process Appeals?

Yuri: Personally I don’t care for any of the bumbling bureaucrats on Rom 9, but if you think they might be able to help us, I suppose I can hit this button.

Guri: Do it, Captain! We need their help!

Yuri: Okay then… I’m pressing it. And nothing is happening… I don’t think it worked, it-

Guri: Oh wait, Captain, something’s coming through on the emergency embroidery machine.

Yuri: Okay, well what’s it say?

Shipward: It says, “Thank you for contacting Universal Tech Support. We have created a ticket to track your request. Your ticket number is 43-dash-62-dash-112. It will be handled in the reverse order in which it was received.

Yuri: Excellent! That means we’re first on the list!

Tech Support (Eric): Static noise Hello, Captain, this is Bleepfat from Universal Tech Support, how can I help you today?

Yuri: Ohh, my that was quick! Hello, Deepfat, I-

Bleepfat: It’s Bleepfat, and can you hold on? I’ve just been assigned another ticket, so I need to handle that one first.

Yuri: Oh no, but I thought once you started helping us, you wouldn’t-

Bleepfat: Please hold!

Cut to hold music: Billy Joel’s Movin’ Out

Yuri: Arrggghh!!! No… he’s put us on hold! And he might never get back to us if he keeps getting new tickets!

Guri: I wish you hadn’t messed up his name, Captain… that cost us valuable time.

Yuri: I hardly think that was the problem. And what kind of name is Bleepfat anyway?

Shipward: I think it might be Scottish.

Guri: That sounds right. (bad Scottish accent) Bleepfat, go see to the sheep!

Yuri: What was that, Guri?

Guri: Sorry, I was trying out a Scottish accent there… I think they talk a lot about sheep in Scotland… but I could be wrong.

Yuri: Shipward, maybe you can hack into the Universal Tech Support ticketing system and try to prevent Bleepfat from being assigned any more tickets.

Shipward: It seems like I need to remind you every single episode, Captain, that I am not a computer.

Yuri: That’s right… there’s Shipweena, but her hyperdrive always gets in the way of-

Shipweena (Eric): You rang, Captain?

Yuri: No, Shipweena… I didn’t ring. And besides, I think you had your bell rung quite enough in the last episode!

Shipweena: (longingly) Crumplestilscan… call me! But that reminds me of a joke. Would you like to hear a joke, Captain?

Yuri: No, we really don’t have time-

Guri: Well we do have time, Captain, as we’re sitting on hold waiting for Universal Tech Support-

Shipward: I’d like to hear a joke-

Yuri: Oh fine!! I don’t know why we want to hear a computer tell a joke. But go ahead, Shipweena.

Shipweena: There was once a historic church in a small town in Italy that was famous for its sweet sounding bell, and people would come from miles around to take their turn climbing the belltower and ringing the bell. Well one day a blind man wanted to ring the bell. So the caretaker said, very well, follow me, and the caretaker guided him up the steep steps until they reached the top of the tower. The giant bell was swinging, and the caretaker started to give the man instructions, but the blind man stepped forward at the wrong moment and he walked right into the giant swinging bell, which made a huge gong noise and knocked him out of the tower and to the sidewalk 60 feet below.

Yuri: Oh ho!! laughing

Guri: Laughing Oh that is a good one, Shipweena.

Shipward: That’s horrible. I feel so sorry for the-

Shipweena: I have not finished telling the joke.

Yuri: Oh, there’s more?

Guri: What? Why is there more?

Yuri: Yes, it’s very funny-

Shipweena: So the caretaker rushed down the stairs and found a small crowd had gathered around the blind man, who was obviously deceased. A policeman asked, “Does anybody know his name?” And the caretaker answered, “Well I a-don’t know-a his name, but his-a face-a rings a bell!”

silence

Yuri: I don’t get it.

Guri: Well I guess the blind hummus bean’s face actually rang the bell, but I don’t see why that’s funnier than the part where he fell to his death.

Yuri: Right… that was the funny part.

Shipweena: Tough crowd.

Shipward: I think it’s a Lurfian expression, when you recognize someone but don’t remember their name, you say that his face rings a-

Bleepfat: Thank you for holding!!

Yuri: What? Ohh, Bleepfat! It’s you! Quiet down, everyone, it’s Universal Tech Support. Yes, we’re still here.

Shipweena: Tip your waitresses.

Yuri: Shut up, Shipweena!

Bleepfat: What seems to be the problem?

Yuri: Ahem… well… how much time do you have?

Bleepfat: Not very much, I might get another ticket any second now-

Guri: Captain, stop wasting time and ask him why we’ve traveled so far back in time!

Yuri: Yes, sorry, Bleepfat, but we’re wondering why when we hit the Home button on the command console here, we were taken back to our home universe, as best as we can tell… however, we seem to have returned to a point in time that is millions of karflugons prior to point at which we left it.

Bleepfat: Oh, dammit, not again… that sounds like a Blergdorf issue.

Yuri: Uh-oh, what’s a Blergdorf issue? Is that bad?

Bleepfat: No, sorry… it’s just Bob Blergdorf, he’s in charge of the universal back-up system. He’s a not-so-recent transfer from Rom 8, and I told them I didn’t think he was Rom 9 material, but here we are again, staring at another one of his messes.

Yuri: What’s the mess exactly?

Bleepfat: Well, clearly he hasn’t been backing up the universe regularly. Sure it’s a tedious job. It involves collecting all of the backup tapes from the various relay stations all around the universe, collating them correctly, maintaining a log of save points and so on… but that’s the job. That’s what I told him during his last mid-year review, he’s got to focus more on the actual requirements of his job, but Blergdorf just wanted to talk about the previous night’s solar hockey scores.

Guri: Oh, how I do miss solar hockey!! Yuri, we’ve been on Lurf so long, we have no idea how our team, the Flaming Os, are doing this season!

Yuri: I thought our team was the Flamingos? Do you mean to tell me that all this time-

Guri: Yes, I very much enjoyed you shouting out the wrong team name at the spores bar on Fanshooey.

Yuri: I’m sure most people just blamed it on the Shitake shooters though, am I right?

Bleepfat: Wait, are you the two beings that did that Spores Talk show a while back? I caught just a bit of that… it was excellent!

Yuri: See, Guri?! I told you spores talk was not a saturated market! Here you wanted to try sports talk about sports on Lurf which no being even knows about-

Bleepfat: Sports on Lurf? That sounds even more fascinating. But getting back to the matter at hand – I can’t believe I haven’t been assigned another ticket yet, by the way – but since Blergdork, as we call him, is so bad at his job, it seems like the last time your sector of the universe was backed up was… well where you are now.

Yuri: So what can we do to rectify this situation? The inhabitants of Lurf in this era are positively frightening!

Bleepfat: Well, you could try to find the backup tapes yourselves at the nearest relay station–which looks to be on a local planet there called Uranus-

Yuri: What?? How dare you!!

Bleepfat: What, I just said Uranus.

Yuri: I heard you, and, well… you’re a peehole!!

Guri: Captain!!

Shipward: Uranus is one of the planets in this solar system, Captain.

Bleepfat: I don’t appreciate being called a peehole. I think I’m getting another ticket.

Yuri: No… no, I’m sorry, Bleepfat! A thousand apologies. I thought you called me a name, and it was a near-jerk reaction, I guess.

Bleepfat: Near-jerk indeed. You were quite nearly being a jerk. Well… anyway, if you collect those backup tapes, and send them by emergency embroidery to us, we can get you up to date there.

Yuri: Excellent. Well, you have been very helpful, Bleepfat, and I take back everything I said about Universal Tech Support over the karflugons and the many editorials I’ve written disparaging your organization on the Suns Times-

Bleepfat: That was you?

Yuri: And I now wish I hadn’t keyed each and every one of the hover-vehicles in the staff parking lot when we went by your headquarters on Rom 9 the last time we were there-

Bleepfat: That was you too?!

Shipward: Captain, maybe you should just thank Bleepfat and hang up the holo-phone.

Yuri: What? Oh, yes, thank you very much, Bleepfat. We’ll try to locate the backup tapes and get those to you soon.

Bleepfat: Yeah, well whatever-... oh, great, now I’ve got another ticket. It never stops…

Narrator: Will our Meeporpian heroes be able to locate the backup tapes for their distant sector of the universe? Will they be able to plot a course to Uranus without getting lost in endless tangents of infantile humor?

Guri: Definitely not… I can answer that question for you right now, Mr. Narrator.

Yuri: Why is he back here? You know I feel like we’ve lost all control over the structure of these podcast episodes.

Guri: When did we have any control, Yuri? A running theme here is our absolute lack of control, we don’t know our mission, we suffer indignities at the hands of the writers or in our encounters with various creatures on Lurf, or in our struggles with various bureaucracies, be they Meeporpian high command or-

Yuri: Yes, yes, but as Captain, I feel like I should be in charge of something!

Narrator: If you’d like, Yuri, you could hit the button here that cues the transition music to the next segment, thus sending us to commercial.

Yuri: Could I??

Narrator: Yes, you-

Yuri: Or what if I didn’t hit the button? Then I’d be exerting real control over the-

Narrator: I’ll just press it then.

End of segment music

Incontinental Airlines Ad #05-11-22

Anton (Eric): Greetings, everybeing, it’s Anton Shelabernathy here to tell you more about Incontinental Airlines, the airline founded and run by the incontinent and for the incontinent… when you gotta go, go Incontinental. I’m joined here today by one of my angel investors… although he’s no angel if you ask the cowboys at the other end of the bar there… Rubiferous Black. Say hi, Rubiferous.

Rubiferous (Jeff): Howdy, folks.

Anton: You’re working on some improvements to the vacuum toilets embedded in each seat, is that right?

Rubiferous: Yes, I believe I’ve managed to ensure maximum and necessary suction force no matter how many passengers flush at the same time, and I’m starting to tinker with a shred mechanism to possibly incorporate as well…

Anton: Excellent, excellent, well we’ll all just have to hold it until you’re ready for more testing. I’m kidding, of course. Speaking of holding it, or no need to ever do so again, let me introduce one of our newest partners and inventors, a Mr. Peapod Peabody. Welcome, Peapod.

Peapod (Paul): Well thank you, Anton, it’s a pleasure to be here.

Anton: Would you like to tell everyone about your invention?

Peapod: Well, sure… we’ve been developing this for some time, first under a military Department of Defense contract, then they handed off our contract to the Department of Homeland Security, and now we find ourselves working with the U.S. Space Force, but the invention is called SmartPants, and the explanatory tagline is: we put the “P” back in pants.

Anton: Yes, that explains it pretty well, so there’s some sort of catheter system, hopefully non-invasive-

Peapod: Well of course, it’s quite comfortable and easy to use for men and women alike, although I should stress that SmartPants are designed to handle eliminations of the number one variety only. Our prototypes designed to handle number two eliminations have fared less well under rigorous testing with various dietary habits.

Anton: Those were Not-so-smartpants, I take it?

Peapod: Those were designed under the working name FartPants, and even the name itself tested very poorly among our focus groups.

Anton: I imagine, yes. Say, I have to ask, Peapod is quite an unusual first name-

Peapod: It’s German.

Anton: Oh… I see. And Peapod Peabody… I can’t help but wonder if your name led you to your discovery… of your invention.

Peapod: School children can be relentless in their teasing, yes. I suppose there could have been some subconscious influence there.

Anton: Did you ever consider changing your name?

Peapod: I did change my name!

Anton: Oh… I see. pause What was your original name?

Peapod: Pisher Lipshitz.

Anton: Oh. I’m sorry. Well, moving on… the benefit of our partnership with Pisher, I mean, sorry, Peapod… the benefit for our passengers is that as one might wish to move about the cabin, perhaps to visit our lounge on the upper deck of our larger planes, one can simply slide into a pair of SmartPants and have no worries about needing to rush off to the nearest restroom-... speaking of which… hold that thought!

Peapod: Where are you going, Anton? You are wearing a promotional pair of my SmartPants… try them out!

Anton: Oh… right! I forgot. awkward pause

Peapod: What’s the problem?

Anton: Nothing… it’s just that… well, you’re looking at me, and…

Peapod: Oh, shy bladder syndrome? We do see a lot of that-

Anton: No, no… just carry on the conversation for a second perhaps and I’ll… ahhhh, there we go… ooooooo that feels better.

Peapod: Yes, well as I understand it, SmartPants will be complimentary for all of your first class passengers, freeing them up to visit that lounge that you mentioned, Anton-

Anton: What? Oooooooo… still going…

Peapod: Because we do let you put the “p” back in pants-

Anton: There we go, well, that’s a relief. No need to dash off to the loo and disrupt the conversation, or not too much anyway. Now where were we?

Peapod: I believe you were going to describe the lounge on the upper deck of your larger aircraft…

Anton: Oh, yes, with your complimentary pair of SmartPants, you’ll be able to while away the hours of a transcontinental flight in our luxurious lounge setting, complete with lemonade waterfalls, fresh shellfish amidst a trickling stream, and even a chocolate fountain.

Rubiferous: Anton, speaking of that chocolate fountain and that little disaster we had on a test flight over the Yucatan peninsula…

Anton: Ah yes, the Yucatan incident… after that they had to rename it the Yucka-brown peninsula. I’m sorry, folks. That’s just terrible writing.

Rubiferous: Well, you’ll be happy to know I traced the problem to a bit of misrouted plumbing below decks.

Anton: Oh, yes, well let’s not get into the gory details now on the commercial, Rubiferous, please. Remember our little talk about judging the “time and place” for certain conversations?

Rubiferous: Is this not the time to talk about the vacuum flush outlets being incorrectly connected to the lemonade waterfalls and chocolate fountain? It’s amazing how things were routed in just such a way that no one noticed at first… that is until someone tried-

Anton: Okay, okay!! Please, Rubiferous, no one wants to hear about how the sausage is made!! What they want is just to enjoy the sausage. And that’s what you folks can all do on your next flight on Incontinental Airlines. Book your flights now and cash in on our special rebate offer, just type in the promo code: MakeItRain.

Rubiferous: I told you, Anton, to call it a pee-bate, not a rebate, remember?

Anton: Rubiferous, I’ll remind you again… subtlety and discretion is the name of the game here.

Peapod: Besides, we already offer a sizeable pee-bate on any second pair of Smartpants, where we put the “p” and p-bate back in pants.

Anton: Yes, well you see? That excellent play on words was already taken. And we’re out of time, so this is Anton Shelabernathy on behalf of Rubiferous and Peabod here, saying so long, and remember: when you gotta go, go Incontinental!

end of segment music

Resume Season 2 Episode 14: Calling for Backup

Guri: What are these new sponsors talking about, Captain… they seem to have a flying ship of some sort that doesn’t go into space? How sad!

Yuri: Yes, and they are primitively powered by fossil fuels which… well are actually the primitive creatures we are surrounded by now.

Guri: You mean our friend, Sherman, here one day will power a commuter flight from New York to Chicago?

Yuri: I suppose so. Speaking of powering flights, how do our fuel cells look, Guri?

Guri: Actually we seem to have gotten an infusion from Sherman’s indignation during our conversation with him earlier.

Yuri: Oo, yes, indignation is one of the very best fuels for our strongly held sentiment drive. Shipward, do we have enough to get to the backup storage site on… where was it, did he say?

Shipward: On Uranus, Captain.

Yuri: Shipward, this is no time for-

Shipward: It’s the seventh planet from the sun in this solar system, Captain. I was in no way making an anatomical reference-...

Guri: Perhaps if we pronounced it “Urine-us” we’ll avoid the confusion, Captain, with… well then it sounds like “urine” I suppose.

Shipward: Besides, scanning the old ship computer’s navigational charts, it looks like the universal backup tape relay station is actually on a moon orbiting Uranus.

Yuri: Ah, excellent, well let’s just set a course for that moon then… we won’t have to constantly be tempted to make jokes at Uranus’ expense.

Guri: What’s the moon called, Shipward?

Shipward: The moon is named Cloaca.

Yuri: Deep sigh

Guri: I feel like the writers are toying with us again, Yuri.

Yuri: I’m sure of it. Now, Shipward, I trust we have enough fuel to get to Cloaca?

Shipward: Not exactly, Captain. We have enough to get there, but not enough to get back to Lurf again by a traditional flight plan. We could try a slingshot maneuver where we use the gravitational pull of the celestial body as we make one nearly full orbit around Uranus-

Yuri: Not the first time I’ve heard that phrase!

Guri: Oh, Captain, please!!

Yuri: I’m sorry… it was too easy.

Shipward: -thus propelling us back to Lurf. This would give us very limited time to dispatch one of us to the moon base on Cloaca to retrieve the backup tapes… just the time it takes to make one nearly full orbit.

Guri: I’m sure our brave Captain will volunteer for that mission.

Yuri: Guri, this will be your duty.

Guri: What?? It sounds very dangerous!

Yuri: We’ll launch Guri out in a space suit to the moon’s surface as we begin the slingshot run. Guri finds the relay station, sorts through the catalogs to find the correct set of backup tapes for Lurf, stuffs the ones we need into his space rucksack, and then makes a very high jump off to escape the minimal gravity of Cloaca, and we pick him up as we accelerate out of our slingshot run back to Lurf.

Guri: Oh, it all sounds so simple, doesn’t it? How’m I supposed to land safely on Cloaca’s surface after hurtling through space at what I imagine will be a very high rate of speed?

Yuri: Well, you’ll use your parachute pants, of course. Now suit up! We’re almost at the launch point.

Guri: What?? How did we-... I didn’t even know we had agreed upon this plan or even left Lurf yet.

Yuri: Yes, well, there are only a few pages left of the script for this episode, so it seems like the writers wanted to move things along.

Guri: Can I skip ahead a few pages and see if I survive this ridiculous plan? Oh dear… I don’t see any lines for me on the last page-

Yuri: Stop skipping ahead!! Don’t you know that you could risk a tear in the time space continuum if you read about your own demise?

Guri: My own demise? Is that what happens?? Oh, I’m too young to die!!

Yuri: You’re 6 million karflugons old, Guri… that’s not too young at all.

Guri: Age is but a number, Captain!!

Yuri: Just suit up and get ready for your launch out escape hatch #4.

Shipward: We’re within sight of Uranus now, Captain. You can see it and the full moon of Cloaca just out the starboard side window now.

Guri: A full moon indeed!

Yuri: (dramatic) It’s… (stifled sob) beautiful!!

Guri: Yes, Captain, it harkens back to the ancient rhymes from the first explorers of the universe. I recall the lines of Homer… or was it Aeschylon or Euripipees who wrote: “Amidst the throngs of sirens songs, our ships could not contain us, for once in sight made hasty flight to the bowels of Uranus.”

Yuri: Never did such words ring so true-

Shipward: Sorry to interrupt your reverie, Captain and Guri, but we’re approaching the launch point.

Guri: What?? Already? My zipper is stuck-

Shipward: Launching in 3… 2…

Guri: Aaaaaahhhhhh! I don’t even know the full plan-

Shipward: 1… Launching now!

WHOOOOSHHHHHH

Guri: Aaaaaahahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Oh my comets!! Traveling very fast!!! Can you read me??? Do we have communicator contact??

Yuri: Yes, Guri, calm down! You can deploy your parachute pants to control your speed and direct yourself to the storage facility on Cloaca. It should be one of the few structures on the moon there.

Guri: Ok, deploying pants now!

WHOOSHHHH

Guri: Oh boy, I haven’t seen such flared leggings since the late 1970s… I feel hopelessly out-of-date.

Shipward: Beginning our slingshot orbit run now, Captain. We’re going to lose contact with Guri once we’re behind Uranus.

Yuri: Did you hear that, Guri? We’re going to lose contact with you soon.

Guri: Yes, yes!! Don’t worry about me! I’ll just piece the plan together if I survive a borderline crash landing on Cloaca! I’ll find the backup tapes… hopefully they’re clearly labeled!

Yuri: What’s that? Your pants have become fearfully unstable?

Guri: No… the tapes… I hope they are clearly labeled… but now that you mention it, it is quite difficult to keep my pant legs stable… I’m approaching the moon’s surface at a VERY high rate of speed!!

Narrator: Will Guri gain control of his parachute pants in time to land successfully on Cloaca, or will it turn into a case of Bellbottom Blues? Will he be able to sort through the file cabinets full of backup tapes and find the ones he needs in time to reconnect with Captain Yuri and Shipward as they emerge from their slingshot orbit around Uranus? Will even one single thing go right with this half-baked plan? Stay tuned and find out on the next episode of-

Announcer (Paul): Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetings- no no… that’s not right.

Guri: Oh please shut up!! I need to concentrate on my upcoming crash landing here. And wait, you can’t just end the episode now!! I’m literally going to crash into Cloaca’s surface in just a few space seconds…

Narrator: No, Guri, the action is paused now until the next episode. You’re in sort of a suspended animation state, if you haven’t noticed…

Guri: Oh why… yes… I see the space dust in front of me is barely mov- ACHOOOOO!!

Narrator: Bless you.

Guri: Oh my! I forgot how allergic I am to space dust.

Narrator: I think I have an Allegra here if you need it.

THEEND: THEEND!!!! Theend notice end of action and take that as me cue. Am I too early?

Guri: Right on time, Theend! Apparently I’ll be suspended here among the space dust until the next epi- ACHOOOO!!!

THEEND: The pollen counts are very high this year… even in space.

Narrator: I offered him an allergy pill… I have a whole bunch here-

THEEND: Are you popping pills, Mr. Narrator? Are you the pusher man? From that Steppenwolf song? I stepped on a wolf once. I felt so bad.

Narrator: No, I just happen to have some extra allergy medication-

THEEND: Yes, yes, me know. Me deal with your kind on the corner… on Sesame Street After Dark, it was an HBO series. Me and Oscar played undercover detectives… me don’t want to give anything away but let’s just say there’s a reason Big Bird and Snuffleupagus had those heavy eyelids…

Guri: Oh, Theend, really! You’ve ruined my impression of what I thought was a perfectly wholesome show for young hummus beans. I used to love the theme song… maybe I can figure it out on the space piano here while you two compare notes on the drug trade…

Narrator: Again, I know nothing about the drug trade. Look, my wife packed me some extra allergy medication for this episode… she knew we would be shooting in different locales, possibly in space where the pollen count is quite high this year…

THEEND: How long have you had this problem, Jack?

Narrator: Who is Jack?

ad lib rest with Sesame Street theme song on piano

Notes below for future episode (Do not read… repeat for Paul: do not read aloud during this episode)

Zoltan and Esa and Rakiya’s Bottomless, Now-Somewhat-Deflated Ball Pit Ad #2022-05-05

Zoltan: Rakiya, what deed I tell you about keeping zee balls inflated? Eet looks like Times Square on New Year’s Day in here with all zee half-deflated balloons and when zee ball has been dropped and flattened on zee ground…

Esa: Or it looks like you work for zee New England, how do you say, Patriots, deflating the balls for zee Tom Brady-

Zoltan: Hey now, they never provided any real evidence on that one, and made no mention of Boyle’s Law, which would explain why balls that are perfectly inflated in a warm locker room may deflate a bit in zee cold winter air…

Esa: Acch, Boyle’s Law-... less of a law than a postulate, I would say-

Rakiya: Usually the only complaints I get are when zee balls are over-inflated, if you know what I mean.