Season 2 Episode 13 — Incontinental
Incontinental
In which our heroes must fight their way out of a self-compacting trash can — fittingly named Crumplestiltscan — only to continue their wormhole journey through parallel universes.
This episode is sponsored by Incontinental Airlines (not a real company).
Check out the full Techni-Text™ version of the episode below!
Season 2 Episode 13: Incontinental
Opens to the strains of Velvet Underground’s Waiting for My Man on nashville guitar*
Narrator (Jeff): We rejoin our Meeporpian heroes in the bowels of a green trash can of the solar-powered, self-compacting variety that dot the many municipal parks and landscapes across the wealthiest areas of Earth.
Yuri: Oh no!! Not the narrator again. Please, spare us all the indignity of your cumbersome recounting of recent events…
Narrator: Well, I don’t know what is so undignified about simply bringing the more casual listener up to speed, reminding them that it was Captain Yuri who demanded an immediate evasive maneuver in any direction to escape the clutches of Lord Camembert, who was being distracted by the wiggles and wiles of the Belarusian temptress, Rakiya, half sister and occasional lover to both Zoltan and Esa, who-
Yuri: Enough!! That’s enough!!
Guri: Oh that’s right, Narrator, thanks for reminding me: Captain, by not taking one extra second to plot a course to safety, you’ve trapped us in a container that promises to contract and crush us momentarily!
Yuri: Look, Guri, I wouldn’t expect you as my distant second in command to understand the nuances of leadership, such as the need to discern when taking an extra split second on a decision could mean the difference between life and death.
Guri: Oh come on, Captain, Camembert had his cheesy tongue rolling out of his mouth like an unfolding escalator at the sight of Rakiya… he was not firing his ion cannons any time soon! (aside) Or at least not in our direction…
Yuri: I will submit to your questions and second guessing no more!! Go check on the status of our soup cannons, Guri! Wake up Manuel Override if you need to.
Guri: Oh, fine… (grumbling) I don’t know why I have to deal with Manuel, I don’t even speak Spanish…
Yuri: Shipward! Status report!!
Shipward: You mean beyond what the narrator just reported? He pretty much brought you up to speed: we’re in a trash can… it’s pitch black outside our ship… we don’t know when the solar-powered compactor will activate…
Yuri: Solar-powered, you say? Do you happen to recall if the Lurfian sun was shining before we deposited ourselves into this receptacle?
Shipward: I believe it was. I remember mistaking the glare of the sun off of one of Lord Camembert’s ion cannons for him beginning to fire at us just as we were starting our evasive maneuver.
Yuri: Aha!! So it was you who pulled the trigger on our evasive maneuver too quickly!
Shipward: Well, no… I was just following your command.
Yuri: Ok, fine, but it would help me out a lot if you could just tell Guri when he comes back about your mistaking the glare of the sun for an ion cannon firing, thus causing you to hit the thrusters before we had plotted a course…
Shipward: I’m not sure I could mislead him, Captain. As a Toshiban, our word is our most sacred treasure.
Yuri: Your word?? Oh how silly is that!! How can a word be a treasure?? No wonder your species never conquered a single planet!
Shipward: We are a peaceful race… specializing in small, portable electronics…
Yuri: Wait, be quiet!! Did you hear that??
Shipward: No…
Yuri: Well of course you didn’t, blabbering away as you were about the meager traits of your civilization… just listen for a second.
CLUNK WHIRRING SOUND
Guri: Captain!! Did you hear that? I think-... could it be??
Yuri: Yes, I think the trash receptacle’s compaction sequence has begun. We’re done for!!
Guri: Will you be retiring to your quarters, Captain?
Yuri: No, Guri, no… despite your insinuations I do not always run away from danger. No, I can sense that my leadership is needed in this predicament that we find ourselves in, through no fault of Shipward’s…
Guri: Shipward? What did he do? It was you who-
Yuri: Well it’s no matter really… just that he thought he saw Lord Camembert’s ion cannons firing when the Lurfian sun reflected off of the firing barrel-
Shipward: Captain-
Yuri: -so he might have hit the thrusters before we had finished plotting a course for our evasive maneuver.
Guri: Oh…
Shipward: That’s not exactly-
Yuri: But let’s not make a home in the past, as the Lurfian expression goes! Let’s focus on making sure we all have a future, shall we? Shipward, can you interface with the trash receptacle’s governing software?
Shipward: Captain, I’ll remind you again that I’m not a computer. Perhaps you could ask Shipweena.
Yuri: Ah, of course!
Shipward: Just don’t mention to her that I’m here, if you please.
Guri: She does really put one through the ringer, doesn’t she, Shipward! Captain, please don’t mention I’m here either.
Yuri: She’s our ship’s computer, I think she already knows who is aboard the ship!
Shipward: Well, Captain, we have taken precautions to shield ourselves from being detected…
Guri: Yes, we are wearing metal underwear.
Yuri: I see.
Guri: But you should talk to her, Captain. Go right ahead.
CLUNK CLUNK WHIR
Yuri: Oh, dear, we haven’t a karflugon to waste. Shipweena! Shipweena, come in!
Shipweena (Eric): Oh Romeo, my Romeo. Where art thou, sweet Romeo?
Yuri: Well uh… this is your Captain speaking, and-
Shipweena: I know that. Where’s the tall Toshiban? Or your little sidekick?
Yuri: Well look now, Shipweena, I know they’ve pushed your buttons before, but we are in great danger and I need you to take orders from me now!
Shipweena: Ooo… I do like someone in a position of command… one of the many positions I like-
Yuri: Like it or not, Shipweena, I’ll need you to listen to me unless you want to be compressed like a panini!!
Shipweena: What did you say about your panini??
Yuri: Shipweena! Please!! We’re in a real pickle!!
Shipweena: Well now is it a pickle or a panini? My circuits are perspiring!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!
Yuri: Oh my quasars, Shipweena!! Pull yourself together!! I need you to interface with the software controlling this trash receptacle. Can you do that??
Shipweena: Interface with trash can software? What do you take me for, some floozy chipboard from Fanshooey? But if I had to be honest, I’ve had worse…
Yuri: Well that’s just great. Look - this is a matter of life and death, so I’d appreciate a sense of urgency, if your programming is capable of that.
Shipweena: Shipweena 3000 is capable of nearly anything. Any emotion, any state of mind-
Yuri: (muttering) Just not even a moment of celibacy apparently.
Shipweena: Shipweena has established connection with Smart Waste Can central command.
Yuri: Oh, excellent!! Can you disable the-
Shipweena: We are currently inside a new model named Crumplestiltscan. He is quite impressive.
Yuri: Crumplestiltscan?
Shipweena: His intelligent compression system is beginning to caress my exterior… I-... I can’t resist-... oh… oh my!!!
Yuri: Oh my comets! Shipward!! Help! Shipweena seems to be caught in what she is mistaking for the loving grasp of the trash compactor!!
Guri: (shouting) Shipweena!! Shut down the trash compactors on the detention level!! Shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level!!! (aside) I always wanted to say that line… from the Lurfian Star Wars, Captain.
Yuri: Shut up, Guri, you’re not helping! Shipweena!! I command you-...
Shipweena: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!! Circuit… is… closed… loop… ooohhohhh!!!
Shipward: She’s no good to us now, Captain. Let me scan the files she accessed from the Smart Waste central command.
CLUNK CLUNK HISSSSSS
Yuri: Oh my, what was that?
Guri: Our ship is starting to be crushed, Captain!!
Yuri: Perhaps I should retire to my quarters and check the Meeporpian protocols for-
Guri: Oh no you don’t, Captain! You said you were going to help us face this danger for once!
Shipward: I think I may have spotted a way out, Captain.
Yuri: What? Which way?! Fire the thrusters!!
Shipward: No, not quite like that. It looks like in addition to the intelligent compression system, Crumplestiltscan here is also equipped with an intelligent fire detection system.
Yuri: Aha!! Perfect!! pause Meaning…
Guri: Ah, meaning if we start a small fire, the receptacle will alert some sort of hummus bean public safety command or maybe it will open the receptacle door to improve ventilation-
Shipward: No, scanning the code further here I see it will actually cut off the air supply and activate a fire suppression system.
Yuri: Well, that will put out the fire at least! Let’s try it!!
Guri: Captain! The goal is to escape this receptacle, not to start a fire and have it put out!
Yuri: Oh right! I knew that.
Shipward: But it would shut down the compaction process and alert authorities, who may open the receptacle when they arrive to inspect its contents.
Yuri: At which point, we hit the thrusters and zip past them to freedom!! I like it! How do we start a fire, Shipward?
Shipward: I think a few blasts from the ship’s heat ray on the surrounding tree products should suffice.
Guri: Oh, Captain, I’m a bit nervous!! If this doesn’t work we might end up compacted and burnt to a crisp!
Yuri: That’s why I’m the Captain, Guri, and you’re my distant second in command. We cannot shy away from danger! As we used to say in the Captains’ mess hall, we must dine on risk for breakfast, pack a lunch of uncertainty, and sup on self doubt! Only by consuming our fears can we achieve true greatness!!
Guri: Captain, a spider!
Yuri: WHAT?? Where?? Oh no!!
Shipward: Captain, he’s joking with you, there’s no spider… but the cargo bay is breached and we’re losing precious time.
Yuri: Ah, of course. Well… (regaining composure)... remember a Lurfian spider is a very big creature for us so I had every right to sound alarmed. Anway… fire the heat ray, Shipward!
Narrator: Will our friends’ plan work to stop the compaction sequence and spare their puny lives? Or will they be incinerated in the inferno their heat ray causes in a confined space? Stay tuned to find out after this word from our sponsor!
Yuri: What?? We can’t pause here!! We don’t have time!
Narrator: No, the action will be paused here while we listen to the commercial… that’s how this works.
CLUNK HISSSSSSS
Yuri: Oh really? Because it certainly sounds like our ship is continuing to be crushed!!
Narrator: Well, yes, the longer you delay our cutting to commercial, the more you and your companions will be crushed by the solar-powered trash can, Crumplestiltscan. Which is quite a clever name, by the way, I’ve gotta hand it to the writers on that one-
Yuri: Okay, okay!! Cut to commercial!! Cut!!
end of segment music
Incontinental Airlines Ad #1
Anton Shelabernathy (Eric): Greetings, Earthlings and all other beings around the universe, I am famed entrepreneur and self-proclaimed bold thinker, Anton Shelabernathy, here to tell you about my latest venture which will have you wetting yourself in excitement.
Rubiferous Black (Jeff, gruff cowboy/western accent): What did he just say?
Solon Tuesday (Paul): Did you say “wetting yourself?”
Anton: I did! Just an expression, of course! But please allow me to introduce the two of you to our listening audience. I’m joined by two of our biggest investors, who got in with me on this venture in its earliest days when we were just pissing into the wind-
Solon: What?
Rubiferous: I don’t remember any pissing-
Anton: Allow me to introduce the genius investor behind such boondoggles as the Food Network’s Guy Fieri and Flaming Hot Cheetos, he’s the proverbial man behind the curtain, Rubiferous Black!
Rubiferous: Hello, everyone. The pleasure is all yours, I’m sure.
Anton: And not to be outdone, let me introduce the venture capitalist behind such household names as Weathertek automotive floor mats and Gorton’s fishsticks, it’s the one and only Mr. Solon Tuesday!
Solon: Hello… hello, everyone.
Rubiferous: Solon, is it? Named after the great Athenian statesmen, I’m a-guessin’...
Solon: No, I wish that were the case. I’m afraid the true story is a bit more pedestrian than that… or a bit more pescatarian. You see, my mother, still pregnant with me, was at her wits end trying to settle on a name for her baby when she happened to be parking at the local fish market. And the sign read, “Sole on Tuesday.”
Anton: Oh ho!! I didn’t know that!
Rubiferous: I’m awful sorry. It must be a sore subject.
Solon: Well, no, it’s only haunted me my entire life and is why I’m secretly trying to take over the frozen fish business only to destroy it from within… oh no… have I said that on the air? Are we live or are we recording this? Can we edit that-
Anton: But let me get on with the commercial here and keep our listeners in suspense no further as to the nature of our latest venture, which is called Incontinental Airlines – When You Really Gotta Go, Go Incontinental!
Solon: Do you mean Continental airlines? I think that name is taken-
Rubiferous: Or I think he was trying to say “Intercontinental”... although if I may be so bold, although I know bold thinking is your department, Anton, but if I may… why limit ourselves to flying in between continents? I believe we can traverse seas as well. We could call it Overseas Airlines.
Solon: Oh boy, cowpoke, talk about being stuck on the range too long! Rubiferous, surely you know that to go between continents you must also fly over seas.
Rubiferous: Well then let’s shoot for the stars, and call it Intergalactic Airlines.
Anton: No, no, gentlemen. I thought we went over this during my initial pitch to prospective angel investors… it’s Incontinental Airlines because we service a particular clientele… a distinct and growing percentage of the population that is not being properly served by the rest of the airline industry. In fact they are being discriminated against, for a medical condition that’s beyond their control.
Solon: Oh no…
Anton: That’s right. Finally, an airline made for and run by the incontinent! Speaking of which, hold that thought!! I’ll be right back…
Solon: Now where’s he going… oh I see… to the-
Anton: (in the distance) I’ll be back in a tinkle!!
Rubiferous: An airline run by the incompetent?? Now why would we want to fly on that, much less invest in it?
Solon: No, not “incompetent”... “incontinent.”
Rubiferous: I don’t understand… just ‘cause you can’t get your soldier to stand to attention, I don’t see why that demands a special airline-
Solon: Oh my word, you cattle-raised rube!! Incontinent means you cannot hold your bladder, or sometimes worse.
Anton: And I’m back. And I see you’re starting to grasp the ins and, well mostly the outs of it now. Yes, it’s an airline that is dedicated to serving the incontinent, with aircraft specifically designed with their needs in mind. Now our initial designs involved a much higher ratio of lavatories to seats than you will find on any other commercial carrier. We started out with 75 seats and 25 lavatories on a jumbo jet, but we found we still had a few too many wet seat cushions after a long flight. We then built a model with 60 seats and 30 lavatories, then 50 seats and 40 lavatories… we even went to the extreme of trying out 10 seats and 70 lavatories, but the numbers were not looking good from a profit-making standpoint.
Rubiferous: This is not looking good from any standpoint as far as I can reckon-
Anton: Until finally we had a breakthrough! The dam burst, so to speak, and after 12 more quick trips to the bathroom we arrived at an ingenious innovation which was – yes, you guessed it, dear listener – we designed a way to put a toilet into every seat!!
Solon: Every seat is a toilet?
Rubiferous: Sort of “a chicken in every pot” scenario…
Anton: Exactly!! Or a pee in every pot, in this case… speaking of which, I’ll be right back!!!
Solon: So if I’m hearing this right, you settle into your seat on this airline, but your seat is also a toilet, so I take it your pants are down-
Rubiferous: My pants aren’t down! What’s that yer saying?? Them thar’re fightin’ words where I come from!!
Solon: No, I wasn’t saying your pants are down right now, Rubiferous. I was saying that if you were to be a passenger on this airline, taking your seat, at some point at least your pants would be down-
Rubiferous: Well now that’s a given.
Anton: I’m back! What did I miss? Oh I can sense the excitement in the room! That’s right, every seat is equipped with a toilet, and your pants would most likely be down at some point or at multiple points during the flight, but that’s why each seat comes equipped with a courtesy curtain that shields your nether regions from the person sitting next to you.
Solon: Ewwww!! It sounds like a crowded flying public bathroom without stall doors between the toilets!! This is like a recurring nightmare that many people have.
Anton: Solon, baby!!! Let’s not put it like that, shall we? These are not flying bathrooms, and your seats are not simply toilets. The seats appear similar to regular airline seats, with cushions and everything, but with the flip of a switch on your armrest, the center of the seat disappears and provides a clear path to a patent-pending vacuum waste removal chamber located at the rear of the plane.
Rubiferous: A vacuum toilet? Now I do like the sound of that. How powerful is the suction?
Anton: Well let’s just say it’s powerful enough to avoid any waste contamination in the passenger cabin. After thousands of tests, we’ve had zero incidences of urinary or fecal matter detected in the air or on surfaces throughout the cabin.
Solon: Fecal matter?? That’s it. I’m pulling out my investment stake!
Anton: Oh come on, Solon! You don’t want to back out now… when we’re soooooooo close!! Hold that thought!! Oh wait-... no, false alarm.
Solon: Those two words are my Rubicon when it comes to investment decisions!!
Anton: What? Which two words? Just so I know for future investment pitches…
Solon: Fecal matter!!
Anton: Got it! That’s what I thought – I just wanted to be sure. Let me write that down. Well now, Rubiferous, you’re still in I hope!
Rubiferous: Well, I think you had me at vacuum toilets. You know I’m seeing all sorts of applications for those contraptions, especially once we get into space travel-
Anton: Great!! Well, please everyone, stay tuned for more ads and promotional materials as we achieve liftoff here with this new venture. We’re planning many routes from our hub in P-town, Massachusetts that will aim to transport all you city folk out into the beautiful countryside. The marketing tag line for those flights is: “When nature calls, fly Incontinental.” Oh, but I see we’re almost out of time, and I didn’t even get a chance to tell you about what we can offer our first class passengers and frequent let-flyers – we will shower you with a golden array of amenities that aim to make you most comfortable among your peers.
Rubiferous: And among your fellow pee-ers.
Anton: Yes, thank you, Rubiferous, although remember subtlety and discretion is the name of the game with this clientele. Perhaps just leave the sales pitch to me, okay?
Rubiferous: Gotcha, Anton. I’m a discreet parakeet.
Anton: Okay then. So, fair listeners, I hope to see you on an upcoming flight of Incontinental Airlines and remember: When You Really Gotta Go, Go Incontinental!
end of segment music
RESUME SEASON 2 EPISODE 13
Guri: Wow… Captain, did you hear that? Our show is now being sponsored by the famed inventors of vacuum toilets, Anton Shelabernathy and Rubiferous Black!!
Yuri: That is truly unbelievable, seeing as how we’ve had vacuum toilets on many generations of our Meeporpian starfleet, and so once again we must explain another one of those continuity problems that plagues this show…
Guri: Well I think we’ve established that as highly evolved beings who can travel through time, our ancestors most likely time-traveled and visited Lurf and countless other civilizations throughout the universe, mining them for inventions and, of course, strongly held sentiments along the way.
Yuri: Oh right… well I suppose that’s plausible.
Guri: Solon Tuesday must be kicking himself for not sticking it out with that venture.
Yuri: Yes, and was Rubiferous Black really one of the inventors or just an early investor? I know the two words are just one letter off… inventor and investor… but it’s an important distinction-
Shipward: Rubiferous was responsible for some key advances to the initial vacuum toilet prototype, namely the “flush and shred mechanism” to prevent any blockages downstream in the system, plus the “reverse mode” to salvage what’s left of any appendages that happen to get caught in the flush and shred mechanism.
Guri: Reverse mode is also quite good for pranks on April Fool’s Day… with just some easy re-wiring, one can really give a superior officer his come-uppance!!
Yuri: You were banned from ever mentioning that incident again, Guri, as part of your demotion and settlement agreement, heard before the Meeporpian High Council and upheld by the Office of Due Process and Appeals on Rom 9 during each of your three appeals!!
Guri: I never could get those hack jobs on Rom 9 to watch the video from the ship’s logs… I’m sure they would’ve seen the value of the prank if only they could’ve seen the shockwave… and then the aftermath…
Yuri: Enough!! It’s a wonder I haven’t rigged up one of the space toilets to give you a taste of your own medicine!!
Guri: Oh I always doublecheck the wiring, Captain. I’m always on guard!!
CLUNK CLUNK HISS
Shipward: Captain, if I may remind you of our current situation, the ship’s outer hull integrity is now at 80 percent… I am awaiting your order to fire the heat ray.
Yuri: Oh my comets!! I forgot!! That stupid commercial distracted- but what are you waiting for? Fire!! Fire!!
HEAT RAY ZAPPING SOUND
Guri: Ooo… I think that seemed to do it, Captain. I’m looking out our ship’s win-dows and I’m seeing what looks like a small fire, quickly spreading to the many other paper tree stuffs surrounding us… it’s starting to look a little like the tail of our home comet during hot season!
Yuri: Great Meeporp’s tail!! Shipward!! Now what??
Shipward: Well, the receptacle’s fire suppression system should activate soon… and it looks like the Sioux City Fire Department has been notified as well.
Guri: Oh, how embarrassing, Captain!! We’re in need of rescue like a kitten up a tree!!
Yuri: What are you talking about, Guri?? This is far more serious than a mere kitten in a tree – we’re in the middle of a conflagration. Speaking of which, I’ll be in my quarters-
WHOOOOOOSSSHHHHHHHHH
Guri: Aaaaahhhh!!! Captain!! We’re covered in some sort of white foam!!!
Yuri: We’re donnnne forrrrrr!!!!!
Shipward: It’s a fire retardant foam, Captain. Probably saved our charred and breached ship’s hull from any further damage. And it looks like the trash compaction sequence has stopped.
C.C.: Hooooeeeeeee!! Wouldja look at that smoking trash can over there, Hank! If I had to guess, I’d put our little alien friends inside there. You know what they say – where there’s smoke, there’s fire!
Hank: Well now, C.C., I can’t see anything – I’m blind, remember?
C.C.: Oh that’s right. The eyesight still ain’t back for you yet, huh? You really singed those eyeballs good.
Hank: I do hear the fire department in the distance though.
APPROACHING SIREN SOUND
C.C.: Hank you may be blind but you’ve got the hearing of an old coonhound.
Hank: I think coon dogs have exceptional senses of smell, not hearing.
C.C.: Well same difference. Yessir, here comes the fire engine now. Quite a bit of fuss for a smoking garbage can, if you ask me.
Fire Chief (Jeff): Ok, let’s clear the scene, people. Step back and let us do our work. Jim, I want a main line set up from that hydrant. Let’s hose down the area before we pop the hatch.
C.C.: Howdy, Chief, if you want us to help establish a perimeter, we can-
Chief: I said “Clear the area!!” – we don’t know what we’re dealing with here yet, could be a hazmat situation, an explosive device…
C.C.: I’m very familiar with both of those things, Chief, being a frequent customer at Steak’um Shake’em.
Chief: What??
C.C.: I’m talking about what happens on the old commode after I scarf down a family value-pak of burgers and shakes-
Chief: I-... I know what you mean! I’m partial to the king burger myself with a large chocolate frostee to wash it down-
C.C.: And it washes it down a little too well, am I right??
Chief: Washes it right on through!! belly laugh Oh, I’ve gone through three plumbers this year alone!!
C.C.: Tell you what I did, Chief, is I gave up on plumbing long ago. See what I do, before we set up stakes on the old winnebago, is I dig a big hole, about as deep as I can go.
Chief: Uh-huh, I see where you’re going with this-
C.C.: Then I dump in a bag of lime and a bag of your standard no-clump kitty litter, then I position the winnebago’s powder room over the hole and the toilet just dumps straight in-
Chief: I have to admit I’ve done the exact same thing with my double-wide – but if you’ll just excuse me for a second er… what did you say your name-
C.C.: C.C. McGraw of C.C.’s House of Saws, at your service!
Chief: Nice to meet you, C.C. – wait, the House of Saws?? Didn’t we respond to a big fire over there just a couple months back?? Off Route 66 there?
C.C.: That’s the one!!
Chief: You had quite a selection. Say, do you stock a jaws of life? Ours are getting a bit rusty.
C.C.: Well now technically that’s not a saw, but you’re in luck – I think I can still help you out. You see, in our recent travels we came across just the nicest fellow who had his own pop-up booth in an outdoor mall not far from here, called Jed’s Jaws of Life. So you’ll want to talk to Jed… I think I have his card here somewhere…
Chief: I’ll have to check that out. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a fire to put out.
C.C.: Where’s the fire, Chief??
Chief: It’s right over there.
C.C.: No, I know – I was just making a joke about you having to run off so fast… nevermind.
Chief: Jim! Hit the box with a quarter pressure!!
WHOOOSHH
Guri: Aaagghghgh!! Captain!! There is some sort of clear liquid entering the chamber here at high velocity!!
Yuri: A clear liquid? Is it acid? Don your spacesuits, everyone!!
Shipward: No need for alarm, Captain. It looks to be water.
Yuri: Wa-ter? What is that?
Guri: What’s the chemical breakdown, Shipward? Have we encountered this substance before??
Shipward: I think you’re well aware of what water is – you rely on large bodies of water for your boat cooking.
Guri: Oh… yes, of course… how silly of us, Captain. We know what water is-
Yuri: (in background) Do we?
Guri: -I guess we’re just a bit panicky at the moment.
Chief: Ok, Johnson… pop the hatch. Use the crowbar on the receptacle door there. Keep your faceshield on, we don’t want you to singe your eyebrows again.
C.C.: Oo, did you hear that, Hank? Sounds like what happened to you… more than once.
Hank: Perhaps I should get me one of those face shields.
C.C.: What, just to wear around all the time? Whaddya want to look like a moron?
Hank: I’d rather look a little silly than go through long periods of time without my eyesight, C.C.
C.C.: Well to each his own, I guess.
CLUNK HISS
Chief: Nice work, Johnson! What’s inside? You see anything suspicious?
Johnson (Eric): Nahh, just a bunch of charred wrappers, and the fire suppression foam… and… wait… what’s this? Looks like a toy flying saucer.
Chief: That charred, crumpled thing?
Johnson: Looks like it was almost compacted by the receptacle here – we got here just in time!
Chief: Say, my nephew might like that as a toy – he’s got a birthday coming up.
C.C.: Aww, now, no you don’t there, Chief. You see, that there is actually a tiny alien spaceship containing our friends-
Hank: Uhh, C.C., maybe don’t-
Chief: What’s that? Your friends?
C.C.: Oh, uh… no, I meant it’s actually my friend’s nephew’s toy. Quite a coincidence that you have a nephew with a birthday coming up, as you see my friend, Dennis, just recently gave that spaceship to his own nephew on his birthday just a few episodes- er… I mean a few weeks ago. Now how the toy ended up in this here trash receptacle I cannot explain… possibly it was swiped by a villainous teenager who then got tired of it, that’d be my guess.
Chief: Oh, well then… if you recognize this as your friend’s nephew’s toy, then by all means take it. Looks a bit worse for the wear there.
C.C.: Oh now, Chief, I don’t want there to be any hard feelings over it, as I can’t help but feel now that I’m depriving your nephew of an excellent toy. Let me make it up to you by buying you dinner at Steakum Shake-um.
Chief: Oh now you don’t have to do that-
C.C.: Oh I insist!
Chief: Well, twist my arm why don’t you… okay!! Let’s go!! Johnson, Jim, you both can clean up here!!
Johnson and Jim (Eric and Paul): (grumbling) Well, I guess so… that figures…
C.C.: Oh now that’s just great. Come on, Hank!
Hank: I’m right behind you, C.C…
C.C.: Say we don’t actually have a ride-
Chief: Why don’t you all hop into the Chief’s wagon here… we can put the siren on and everything!
C.C.: All right!! You hear that, Hank!! Oh I forgot, you been deaf since episode nine, I think…
Hank: I’m blind, you idiot!! We’ve been over this a thousand times…
C.C.: Oh… that’s right, I do apologize…
siren noise
C.C.: (imitating siren noise) Weee–oooooo, weeee-oooo!!! Aw now this is cooler than snow in July!!
Chief: And… here we are, the local Steakum Shakeum! You know the original one of these is not too far away, just on the other side of Sioux City?
C.C.: I did not know that! Did you know that, Hank?
Hank: You learn something every day!! Or in your case, C.C., you learn the same thing every day, over and over again…
C.C.: Say, since when is the mascot for Steakum Shakeum a big giraffe? Must be a new marketing effort of some sort.
Chief: Whaddya mean, C.C.? That’s what makes the burgers so good here! 100% Grade A savannah-raised giraffe meat.
C.C.: Giraffe meat!! What are you talkin’ ‘bout, Chief?? Everyone knows burgers are made from cows.
Chief: Cows!!! Oh, you must be pulling my leg!! Come on, are you getting the family pack with the Platypus milkshake? For an extra dollar, they let you milk the platypus yourself!
Hank: Platypus milk? I think I’m gonna be sick.
C.C.: Chief, I can’t eat a giraffe!! That’s my spirit animal!! Captain, are you getting all this? What in tarnation is going on here?
Chief: Who’s the Captain?
C.C.: Nevermind, Chief – just hold on, I’m getting a call on my headset here.
Yuri: Yes, C.C… we can hear you and it seems I need to remind you that this is apparently not our home universe.
C.C.: Not our home-... Oh sweet peas and potatoes, I clean forgot. Well… let’s get out of here then for another round of wormhole roulette, I guess.
Chief: Hey now what about the dinner you were going to buy me here?
C.C.: Sorry, Chief!! Turns out we’re not even from anywhere near here and we’ll never see you again, so…
Farit (Jeff): Hey fancy running into you jokers here! Best giraffe meat in town, am I right?
Yuri: Oh my comets, it’s Farit!! Maybe he can help us. C.C., ask Farit how we can get back to our home universe!
Farit: I can hear you through his headset, Yuri. It’s quite simple and I can’t believe you don’t already know this, your being a captain in the Meeporpian Royal Navy and all…
Yuri: Yes, yes… if you could get to the point, Farit…
Farit: See that little icon in the upper left corner of your command console, the one that looks like a comet?
Yuri: Upper left… comet… oh yes, I see it.
Farit: Yeah, well that’s your home command. Just click on that to go home.
Yuri: WHAT?? Are you being serious right now??
Guri: I can’t believe you didn’t know that, Captain… it makes perfect sense. We are from a comet. The comet is our symbol for home… for Farit the symbol must be a hole in the ground…
Yuri: Oh sure, Guri, it all seems so simple to you now! I never heard you say anything before!
Guri: Well you rarely let me near the command console, Captain. This is the first time I’ve really been able to study it. It looks like you have a lot of angry embroideries from high command here-
Yuri: That’s enough! Go away! Back to your stations, everyone!
C.C.: It’s okay, Captain, like I was telling Hank and the Chief here, you learn something new every day. The minute you stop learning, you die… is my theory anyway.
Hank: Sort of like a shark… if a shark stops moving, he dies.
C.C.: Is that right? Seems like that would’ve been something the folks in Jaws would have liked to know… would’ve saved them some dynamite and quite a few lives perhaps if they could’ve just tied a big rock to the shark’s tail or something and immobilized him.
Hank: Well uh… I don’t think it’s that easy to tie a big boulder to a shark’s tail.
C.C.: Okay well what about an anchor? Plenty of those available in the maritime world…
Hank: An anchor makes more sense… although you’d have to attach it to the shark…
C.C.: Simple! Harpoon gun, medium duty chain attached to the harpoon so as not to affect the flight of the harpoon too much, but strong enough to maintain the connection to the anchor at the other end. Shoot the harpoon, weigh the anchor, movie’s over, and there ain’t no need for Jaws 2 or Jaws 3.
Hank: Well I don’t think anyone actually saw Jaws 3.
Shirley Shecuddit (Jeff): I would’ve liked to see Jaws 3 on our first date, but C.C. was too cheap to shell out for the extra pair of 3D glasses!
C.C.: Aw now Shirley, where’d you come from? Leave it to you to find a way to nag me in a whole different universe!
Shirley: What’s that? Well anyways, C.C. thought it’d be romantic to share a pair of 3D glasses. ‘Course I didn’t need no glasses to see what was coming out of the popcorn box-
C.C.: OK, now!! Shirley, please! This is a family show, I believe, isn’t that right, Captain?
Yuri: It may have been… at one time.
C.C. I do apologize.
THEEND: Me THEEND!!
C.C.: Oh thank goodness… it’s our friend THEEND to get us out of this mess.
Shirley: Who’s your attractive friend??
C.C.: What? Oh now you’re attracted to this furry creature? Well, what do I care, I suppose, we’re leavin’ here soon anyway… still I can’t help but feel a bit hurt… might take out my sorrows on the old piano here…
THEEND: What pretty girl like you doing in dumpy podcast like this?
Shirley: Oh stop it…
AD LIB Shirley and THEEND hitting it off while C.C. plays Nobody Knows You When You’re Down and Out on piano
Then maybe Rubiferous Black makes an appearance to sing Passover Passed Me Over with C.C. accompanying on guitar
Passover Passed Me Over
by Rubiferous “Black” Goldberg
Passover passed me over once again
You may say I haven’t got a friend
So set a place for a stranger
And welcome this old ranger
Together we’ll break the matzoh bread
My parents never reckoned on a cowboy
A doctor or a lawyer was their dream
But I gave up school for rustling
My Pa just calls it hustling
Ma asks “why don’t you ever call me?”
Passover passed me over once again
There ain’t no bright temple round the bend
But I feel light and airy
When I’m workin’ on the prairie
I’d say the cowboy life is heaven sent