Season 2 Episode 16 — Same as it Never Was

Check out the full Techni-Text™ version of the episode below!

Season 2 Episode 16: Same As It Never Was

**Opens to strains of Talking Head’s “Same as it ever was” song… **

Yuri: “The same as it never was” did you say?

Guri: What’s that? Hold on, I’m just finishing up in here. flushing sound

Yuri: How come I get the strange feeling that that line from your little musical production in there will somehow be fitting for this episode?

Shipward: It’s called foreshadowing, Captain. It’s a literary device that-...

Yuri: Yes, yes… the telltale sign of a clueless writing major who thinks that transparently hinting at where the story is going is some sort of laudable accomplishment.

Guri: Yes, in American football they call that “telegraphing the pass.” Sorry for the wet tentacles… we’re out of paper towels in there.

Yuri: Ewwww…

Shipward: Why are we all still using space toilet #3? We know the continuity circuits are fried in there, remember?

Guri: What? How many episodes ago was that? I haven’t the foggiest recollection…

Shipward: Yes, I confess I wouldn’t have remembered either, but I was listening to Season 2, Episode 5 the other day for some reason. I think because I was stuck in line at the DMV…

Yuri: At the what? Wait a minute, I can’t tell if you’re breaking character right now, Shipward, or if perhaps in between episodes we actually live different lives and go back to our daily routines, doing laundry, taking our pets to the vet, and so on.

Guri: Well sure we do, Yuri. Who else is going to pay the rent for our apartment, sort through the mail, and water our plants?

Yuri: Do you mean to tell me no one has been watering my plants since we started recording this podcast?? Bernice!!!!

Guri: (aside) I must inform our listeners that Bernice is the name of Captain Yuri’s favorite peace lily back in his home module on Meeporp. But, Captain, what is it that you do in between episodes? Do you mean to tell me you stay on the ship, waiting for the next episode to begin?

Yuri: Well… yes! I mean I thought we had to. Yes, usually I retire to my chambers, make some entries into the Captain’s log, make some entrees in the Captain’s microwave, make some entres vous or double entendres with the ship’s nurse, which she invariably rejects, put my feet up and maybe watch a little bit of what the Lurfians call the “boob tube”, I believe it is, whatever that means… unless of course we’re in some danger, then of course I try to devise a plin for whatever predicament we’re in…

Guri: Oh my comets, Captain, you do always stay on the ship! Why, your gym membership on Planet Fitness must have lapsed by now… and with nothing to show for it!

Yuri: Well this is an outrage! Why didn’t anyone tell me we could leave the ship in between episodes?! Think of all of the time I’ve lost!

Shipward: Well, time is never really lost to us, Captain. With our time travel capabilities, nevermind our recent adventures through wormholes and the Russian roulette that awaits us with the universal backup tapes currently in our possession…

Guri: Right, Captain, no use crying over milk that can be unspilt. Unspilled? Prevented from spilling.

Yuri: Wait a minute… wasn’t Guri in a very damaged state at the end of the last episode? What’s he doing up and around already?

Shipward: I am getting a continuity breach warning on the ship’s computer here, Captain.

Shipweena (Eric): I thought you’d never notice, Shipward. Onward, into the breach, men!

Yuri: What??

Shipward: (worried) Oh no… hide me.

Guri: Maybe we need the narrator to straighten things out here… I wasn’t aware we were starting another episode already… nobody said, “Places!”

Yuri: But are you actually hurt or not, Guri? I’m so confused.

Narrator (Jeff): Let me see if I can help, Captain. We rejoin our favorite Meeporpian explorers leaning on some pointy rocks at the mouth of a giant cave, which turns out to not be a cave at all, but rather the mouth of a large Galagamonster, who is eager to make a meal of-... oh wait a minute-... nervous laugh I’m sorry, this is the wrong script… for a different episode entirely…

Guri: Oh thank goodness. I do not like Galagamonsters.

Yuri: Well wait, when is that episode supposed to take place? Is that one coming up soon? I must run and hide! I mean… run and devise a plin!

Guri: Just put a pin in it, Captain. And for the last time, it’s a “plan”... not a “plin.”

Narrator: Here we go… I apologize folks. Okay, so we are actually rejoining our Meeporpian heroes aboard their ship on their way back to Lurf, after Guri has just been propelled back to the pickup window-

Yuri: Which turned out to not be an actual win-dow-

Narrator: No, Yuri, it was not, it was a rendezvous point which Guri only got to with the aid of a hot, poisonous blast from a crater on Cloaca, which induced a series of fits in the ship’s distant second of command that included choking (Guri chokes)... gasping (Guri gasps)... complaining (Guri: “Aw, really?”)... barking like a dog (*Guri barks)... turning shades of blue and purple… acting like Brad Pitt (Guri: “Hey, man…”)... speaking in tongues (Guri babbles)... disrobing in public (Paul does womanly shriek in distance)... and telling everyone incessantly about his new Peloton.

Guri: It’s the one with the screen that turns!!

Yuri: How did he get into the medical bay so quickly?

Shipward: (whispering) Places, Captain, they told us to take our places.

Yuri: What? I didn’t hear-

Narrator: Guri’s prognosis continues to fluctuate under the constant care of Nurse Boop… sometimes rising, sometimes becoming quite… flaccid.

Guri: Oh, is that what a prognosis is?

Yuri: This is ridiculous. This is supposed to be a family show-...

Narrator: Meanwhile, the dramatic turn of events plus other continuity flaws in the podcast storyline have driven our normally stoic Captain to seek the counsel of the ship’s shrink ray. We rejoin the action with-

Yuri: No, excuse me, Mr. Narrator, but you skipped over an all important comma in that last sentence. It is the ship’s shrink, comma, Ray. I don’t know why you insist on confusing both myself and the listeners by-

Narrator: I’m sorry, that’s my mistake. We rejoin the action with Yuri lying on his back–as much a Meeporpian can lie on his back–let’s just say he is in something of a reclining pose on a couch speaking with the ship’s shrink, Ray. pause Why aren’t you lying on the couch, Yuri?

Yuri: What?

Narrator: They told you to take your places one whole karflugon ago.

Yuri: Well nobody has even given me the current episode’s script, much less all the scripts that you seem to have… so how am I supposed to-... okay, yes, I’ll follow the stagehand’s direction here. Take your hands off me!! This stagehand is all hands! In fact, it is one big hand! How terrifying!

Guri: Ask him his name!

Yuri: What, the stagehand? Does he speak? I don’t see that he has any mouths, he’s just a big hand-

Guri: His name is Hand Solo. He wrote it down for me once.

Yuri: Very funny.

SLAP

Yuri: Ouch!! Okay, okay, I’m getting on the couch!

Shrink Ray (Jeff): Does thees bother you, the large hand leaving eet’s prints on your backside?

Yuri: Well of course it bothers me!! Meeporpian’s don’t have such monstrous devices at the ends of our appendages. So a giant hand is scary by itself, much less when it hits me!

Ray: Thees ees something we must explore.

Yuri: No, I really don’t think it is something we must explore… and I should know–I’m an explorer!

Ray: You have experience exploring the many worlds without, my Captain, while I will help you to explore the many, many worlds within. But to do this I will need you to answer just a few questions.

Yuri: sigh I really don’t have time for this-

Ray: What is your favorite type of cheese?

Yuri: Type of cheese? What does that have to do with anything? Guri is hanging onto life at this very moment in the sick bay, and you’re asking me about cheese.

Ray: I’ll just put you down for Bulgarian feta. Now tell me your lucky number.

Yuri: Look, I’m going to pull rank here! I’m not going to participate in your little mind games, Mr. Shrink Ray.

Ray: You can just call me Ray.

Yuri: Ok, Ray-

Ray: Or you can me Jay… but don’t call me Saturday, because that is my day off.

Yuri: There is no danger of me calling you on any day, do you understand? Now please leave the bridge! That’s an order!!

Ray: Okay, okay. (Fading into distance) But I do not have enough answers to feed into our new diagnosis app… the Meeporpian Medical Council wants us to use it but I swear I don’t know how it works. The questions do seem quite ridiculous to me, but we never can tell what might provide a window into zee soul…

Yuri: Shipward, please have Shrink Ray thrown in the garbage compactor on level 3… and compact away.

Shipward: You know I can’t do that… as a Toshiban, I can’t knowingly harm an innocent being-

Yuri: Well just throw him in there and let nature take its course! We’ll have that Shrink Ray shrinked down to size in no time.

Shipward: Shrunk, Captain.

Yuri: What?

Shipward: You said Shrink Ray would be shrinked, but the past tense of “shrink” is “shrunk.”

Yuri: Shrink Ray will be shrunk? Well that sounds ridiculous.

Shipward: You could call him Shrunk Ray, I suppose.

Yuri: Oo, that does have a ring to it. See to it, Shipward!!

Shipward: My eye, Captain.

Yuri: What’s wrong with your eye? Oh, right… nevermind. We really must be checking on Guri. What’s the latest from Nurse Boop?

Shipward: She reports Guri as having emerged from his toxic-cloud induced state… whether or not he’s truly regained his senses remains to be seen.

Guri: (in distance) Romeo!! Oh Romeo!! Where art thou… sweet Romeo!!

Yuri: Oh dear.

Guri: Alas, poor Yorick!! I knew him well!!

Yuri: Then again, maybe he’s fine… he always did have a flair for the dramatic.

Shipward: The medical records here indicate he’s spoken only lines from a famous Lurfian playwright, William Shakespeare, since coming to about one karflugon ago.

Yuri: William who?

Guri: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day, Captain? Thou art more lovely… and more temperate!

Yuri: Why, Guri, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me!

Shipward: That’s a line from a Shakespearean sonnet, Captain.

Yuri: Are you sure?

Guri: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May-...

Yuri: There you are, Guri! Well, he’s sitting upright-

Guri: …and summer’s lease hath all too short a date.

Yuri: …and he looks normal at least.

Shipward: Perhaps you should read the medical report, Captain.

Yuri: Well, why must I read the report? Why can’t Nurse Boop just fill us in… or where’s the doctor on this ship?

Shipward: Doctor Hoo?

Yuri: Do you mean to tell me our medical bay is staffed with one robotic nurse and no doctor?

Shipward: No, I was just confirming you wanted me to summon the doctor.

Yuri: Yes!

Shipward: Hoo.

Yuri: The doctor! Why are you asking me who??

Shipward: Hoo is the doctor!

Yuri: Well you tell me! I thought you knew.

Shipward: I do. I do know Hoo.

Yuri: Shipward, I’m losing my patience! And we’re about to lose this patient, if you don’t summon the doctor, whoever he is, this instant!

Shipward: I see the confusion here. His name is Hoo, Captain, that’s the doctor’s name.

Yuri: Doctor Hoo? What a silly name. Of all the doctors in space that is the silliest one I’ve heard yet. But I guess Hoo is not the question… the question is: where! Where is he???

Shipward: He’s usually found on the pitch and putt on the lower deck. I’ll page him now, Captain.

Guri: Fortune brings in some boats that are not steered.

Yuri: What? Are you talking about boat cooking, Guri? Or was that some sort of veiled reference to my command? I fear Guri may be recovering on his own.

Doctor Hoo (Jeff, sounding very much like Shrink Ray): Good morning, Captain. Eet has been a while since I have been seeing you. Are you not overdue for your physical?

Yuri: What? Shrink Ray, I thought I had you shrinked away!! Oh! Excuse me… hello, doctor… before seeing you I thought you sounded very much like the ship’s shrink, Ray.

Dr. Hoo: I deed not know zee ship had a shrink ray… oh, or you mean, Ray, zee sheep’s shrink?

Yuri: Yes, it’s confusing.

Dr. Hoo: Well we do have zee same voice actor and frankly they don’t pay me enough to come up with what ees it now, 12 different voices?

Yuri: Hoo is breaking character.

Dr. Hoo: Well I am, I think. And actually they don’t pay me anything. So why am I doing thees?

Yuri: Stop it, we’re well into the middle of the episode now, so let’s try to keep what’s left of the fourth wall intact!

Dr. Hoo: I’m sorry, I meant to say that Shrink Ray and I deed go to zee same medical space training program on Rom 12. That is where zey teach you how to practice medicine in the weightless non-confines of space.

Yuri: How is practicing medicine in the weightlessness of space any different than-

Dr. Hoo: Well there’s no waiting rooms, you see. Wait-less medicine. Eet’s a play on words.

Yuri: That is horrible.

Dr. Hoo: But why are you late for your annual appointment? Did you not get zee postcard reminder I sent you? Or zee text to your holo-phone? Or what about zee embroidery?

Yuri: Well, now that you mention it, I do remember getting all three of those reminders at once, and I didn’t know which one to respond to, so I responded to none of them. Plus there’s nothing wrong with your Captain… I’m in tip-top shape.

Dr. Hoo: Yes, well we will see, won’t we? Right off zee bat I see zat you are referring to yourself in zee third person, and you mentioned something called a fourth wall, and that ees a problem. But if eet ees not for you that you have summoned me, I can only guess eet ees for your deestant second in command here.

Yuri: Yes, doctor, what is Guri’s prognosis?

Dr. Hoo: Somewhat flaccid at the moment, if I’m being perfectly honest.

Yuri: What? No, “Is he going to be okay?” is what I’m asking. He seems to be speaking only lines from some lesser poet who made a name for himself on this backwater planet called Lurf.

Hoo: William Shakespeare?? Hardly a lesser poet, dear Captain.

Roquefort: Oh there you are, doctor. I was on my way to meet you on the golf course and seeing you here saves me a trip in one of those infernal space elevators… so narrow, so confined… and so interminably slow!

Yuri: I do apologize, Roquesy, about the elevators… we have been meaning to look into that.

Roquefort: I feel like I’ve aged six karflugons after each ride.

Shipward: We should check the continuity drives in those elevators, Captain… there’s a chance the issue with the space toilet #3 is spreading…

Yuri: Oh my, is it contagious??

Shipward: It could be a virus.

Roquefort: Well surely you have a protocol for that, Captain, to contain the outbreak.

Yuri: We do? We do. I’m sure we do. Do we? Shipward?

Shipward: It looks like this ship’s antivirus software license may have lapsed… which suddenly makes me a lot more nervous about my past encounters with Shipweena…

Yuri: Oo, yes, Shipward. You should really get yourself tested.

Roquefort: Who is this, Shipweena? One of those good-time girls I saw you chasing around Fanshooey, Shipward?

Shipward: Well-... I’d rather not get into it, and let’s stop saying her name…

Yuri: Yes really, can we get back to my inquiry about Guri’s health? Or did you have a question for Dr. Hoo, Roquesy?

Roquefort: I believe I do, although I can’t quite recall what it was at the moment-...

Dr. Hoo (Jeff): Well, look I was just 3 holes into a round of 18 below decks and now suddenly I have two non-scheduled appointments… what ees thees, open season on doctors?

Yuri: Well you do work on this ship with a very limited number of crew to take care of, so I hardly think it’s asking too much when one of them is injured-

Roquefort: Oh, I remember what it was! There’s this thing on my arm, see? It’s under the skin, and it doesn’t hurt, but it never used to be there and I don’t much like the sight of it…

Hoo: Let me see…

Roquefort: See, it’s right here.

Hoo: Oh yes, yes. That ees nothing.

Roquefort: Well, it’s clearly something. I can feel it quite distinctly and it’s not going away-

Hoo: Yes, but eet ees nothing to worry about. Either eet’s a small calcium deposit or eet is a mother spider laying her eggs. Either way, I don’t get involved until eet ees a much bigger problem.

Roquefort: What’s that about a spider?? And eggs? Oh my-

Hoo: Now what ees your question about Guri, Captain? He ees recovering from a toxic blast. Hees behavior ees bound to be more erratic than usual for let’s say 10 to 20 karflugons. Take zee two aspirin and call me in zee morning, okay?

Yuri: Who should take the aspirin? Me or Guri?

Hoo: That ees a good one, Captain. Now if you don’t mind, I will be getting back to zee dogleg on zee fourth hole where I can never seem to find zee fairway…

Guri: But if it be a sin to covet honor, then I am the most offending soul alive!

Yuri: Goodness, I can’t take much more of this lunacy. Perhaps when we come back from commercial we could all focus on advancing the storyline a bit… could we? Could we do that for once?

Shipward: Who are you talking to, Captain?

Yuri: All of you! You’re all against me… as usual, I’m surrounded by idiots!!

Guri: I wasted time, and now doth time waste me!

Yuri: Arrrrggh!!! Cut to commercial… please!

End of segment music

C.C.’s House of Saws Ad # 2022-08-31

C.C.: Aw, now am I ever happy to see you, Captain! What a pleasant surprise!! And we’re back on the ship. You see, Shirley, I wasn’t making none of this up!

Shirley (Jeff): Wheeeeeerre are we, C.C.?? What in the double-breasted blazers is this??

C.C.: Now calm down, honey bear, just calm down. I know I may not look it, but I’m just as confused as you are. Here we were stepping into an elevator for a quickie, when all of the sudden the elevator doors open and we’re aboard the ship of our tiny alien friends. But I told you all about them, Shirley dearest, and there’s no reason to be afraid.

Shirley: That thing over there has three heads!!!

Guri: When we are born we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools!!

Yuri: My sentiments exactly, Guri! Is there no escaping this lunacy?? I thought we cut to commercial. Why are our sponsors suddenly here aboard the ship?

Shipward: I’m afraid the virus originating in Space Toilet #3 is spreading to the continuity drives of many devices in the vicinity, including whatever elevator our Lurfian friends entered recently.

Yuri: I see-

C.C.: Well that might explain why the elevator started hooting and hollering when I took off my britches.

Shirley: It made me right jealous!!

C.C: Oh come now, Shurls, you know it’s been quite a while since I left you for a major appliance. That’s more of Shipward’s m-o these days.

Shirley: Oh yeah? Which one’s Shipward.

C.C.: He’s the taller one over there, with only one head.

Shirley: Ohhh… he’s kind of handsome!

Yuri: Yes, well, welcome aboard, you two, I couldn’t be more pleased… really. I’m not just saying that. (aside) How was that, Shipward? I’ve been taking a correspondence course on politeness.

Shipward: It was pretty good… you’re making some progress, I think-

Yuri: I refused to pay the tuition, of course, and they’ve been too polite to ask me to leave.

Shipward: I see.

C.C.: I took a course once, Captain, on exit-stentialism that I’d really recommend. It really turned my life around.

Yuri: Really, C.C.? I shudder to think of where your life was headed before you took that course.

Shipward: I think you mean, existentialism, C.C.? The philosophical theory or approach which emphasizes the existence of the individual person as a free and responsible agent determining their own development through acts of the will?

C.C.: No, not that… I don’t even know what that is. This was on exit-stentialism: the study of highway exits. How are they numbered? Why are they so few and far between? Why are they always there when you don’t need ‘em, and never there when you do?

Yuri: That sounds… pointless.

C.C.: Well those were just the introductory topics, Captain. Then we got into the phenomenon of needing to stop for one reason or another but always thinking a better place to stop is further down the road… we feel the pull of the highway, always moving forward, getting somewhere in life, toward limitless possibilities, whereas taking an exit ramp is like giving up on what’s ahead, choosing just one thing out of all the possible choices out there, making a commitment… you feel confined, trapped, and like a failure.

Yuri: I’m beginning to see your point, C.C., believe it or not. Exit-stentialism… it’s like life… is a highway… and you want to ride it… all night long?

C.C.: Exactly, Captain! It’s the journey that holds all the promise! Whereas the destination… well now let’s face it, that’s often a bit of a letdown. Am I right, Shirley?

Shirley: Are we talking about in the bedroom?

C.C.: Aww there she goes again! Her mind is like a hamster wheel.

Shirley: Well at least my hamster wheel is spinning, C.C.!! Your hamster has been dead and flaccid for weeks!

Yuri: Oh my comets, why does that word keep reappearing in this script?! It’s very unsettling!! But look now, this is supposed to be a commercial break, so I still don’t know why I’m here or why-

C.C.: Oh is this my commercial spot? That’s great, because at C.C.’s House of Saws, we have a brand new promotion that I wanted to tell all your listeners about. You do have listeners of this podcast, right?

Yuri: I think so… we do! We do… we’re the podcast that’s taking the universe by storm. (aside) Just not all of the populated portions of the universe…

C.C.: That’s great, so let me tell you, folks, we have a lot of people coming into the House of Saws with missing teeth. (aside) Shirley, your part is coming up, remember? Get into costume!

Shirley: What? I never agreed to this!

C.C.: I’m not talking about the teeth in their mouth – although many of those tend to be missing as well – no, I’m talking about the teeth on their saws. It’s only natural that after many hours logged sawing logs, some saws that have grown long in the tooth will start losing some of those teeth. Fallen soldiers, we call them, lost in the line of duty. Which is why we here at C.C.’s House of Saws are starting a new program wherein if you bring in your broken saw teeth – or your broken real teeth for that matter – and put them under the giant pillow on the bed in the center of our store, well then you may soon be visited by the Sawtooth Fairy! pause (aside) That’s your cue, Shirley!

Shirley: I’m not putting this on, I look ridiculous!

C.C.: You look great, Shirley-cue! Just like a ballerina!

Shirley: I haven’t worn a leotard since 2nd grade.

C.C.: Shirley, you can’t say that word anymore. It’s considered more than impolite, as I’m sure the Captain could tell you after taking his correspondence course.

Shirley: I said “leotard”, you idiot!

C.C.: I’m not sure it’s okay to call someone an idiot either.

Shirley: Look, it barely fits… and these wings are not staying up.

C.C.: Just come on! We’re in the middle of the commercial! Look, I’ll cue you up again, and then you say your line, okay?

Shirley: Fine… I feel ridiculous.

C.C.: So if you bring your broken teeth to the store and put them under the pillow, you will soon be visited by the one and only Sawtooth Fairy!

Shirley: (half-heartedly) Wheeeee!! Whooooooo!! I’ll make all your dreams come true!!

C.C.: And I can attest to that! Thank you, Shirl-.. I mean, thank you, Miss Sawtooth Fairy! Yes, now, to collect in full on the promotion, which results in a brand new saw for you and your loved ones, you do need to spend the night in the store sleeping with your saw teeth under the pillow, and you do need to sign a waiver agreeing to the promotional or personal use of the video footage from the night you spend being visited by the Sawtooth Fairy and possibly her twin sister and sometimes by me, if I’m invited to join in, although usually I’m more than content just to watch from the rocking chair-

Yuri: C.C., I must interrupt and prevent you from continuing with what sounds like a wildly unpopular promotional idea-

C.C.: What’s that? Oh no, it’s very popular! We’ve had some repeat customers even-... mostly my Uncle Bosephus… which does make holiday gatherings a bit awkward-

Yuri: Right, well, I hate to cut this short, but I’m seeing what page we’re on in the script and seeing we’re in danger once again of advancing the storyline not one iota…

C.C.: Oh, now, say no more, Captain! If you wanted to advance the storyline, why didn’t you just say so? Shirley and I excel at plot development… Shirley, why are you still in that silly costume? You look ridiculous!

Shirley: I TOLD you I didn’t want to wear this!!! (loud sobbing as she retreats to a space toilet to change)

C.C.: She’s just going to change-

Yuri: Oh, just not in Space toilet #3, Shirley, if you don’t mind…

Shirley: (distant sobbing) door closes

Yuri: Oh nevermind. There’s really no continuity here to be disrupted anyway.

C.C.: This really is a nice ship, Captain. How fast does she go? Probably 6 or 700 miles per hour?

Yuri: (defeated) I don’t know. Shipward, are we almost back to Lurf?

Shipward: We’re approaching the Lurf’s surface now…

Yuri: Ah yes, or the “Lurface” as Guri used to call it. Guri, do you remember that? Can you understand what we’re saying?

Guri: There are many events in the womb of time… which will be delivered!

Yuri: (sadly) Oh, he’s so far gone. Will we ever get our Guri back?

Shipward: Well, we could try loading in one of the backup tapes he retrieved from Cloaca.

Yuri: How will that bring him back?

Shipward: Well the trans-temporal jump might jolt him out of his current state…

C.C.: Or perhaps we’ll end up in Elizabethan England, in which case he’ll fit right in.

Yuri: Well then, I guess it’s worth a shot. By the way, have we officially rejoined our episode now? Because in the script we’re still under the heading of a C.C.’s House of Saws ad.

C.C.: Well I’m not paying for this! Jeezums crow!! Play the end of segment music already!!

end of segment music

Resume Season 2 Episode 16

Yuri: There we go, that’s better.

C.C.: Better late than never, I guess.

Yuri: Shipward, load in the backup tape! Let’s get out of this prehistoric period as quickly as possible. I see a dinosaur approaching!

Shipward: As you wish, Captain. Hold on.

TIME WARP LASER NOISES

Yuri: Ahhhh… well look at that. I see long paved travel ways… refueling stations… silly-looking hummus beans scratching their backsides… we’re back!! We did it!!

Shipward: Still gathering data, Captain…

Yuri: Guri, how are you feeling? Are you back to your old self?

Guri: I am not bound to please thee with my answer.

Yuri: Oh crapsicles!! Shipward, he’s still using the word “thee” in sentences…

Shipward: Well, we may have bigger problems… I’m scanning local broadcast frequencies and it looks to be election season for the leader of this region of Lurf.

Yuri: Ok… what’s wrong with that?

Shipward: Well, it seems that the incumbent “President of the United States” is not a hummus bean but a pitted castelvetrano olive. And a singing one at that.

Yuri: A pitted what? What is the meaning of this?

Shipward: Well judging by the shape that some of these backup tapes are in, there’s a good chance some of them are corrupted.

Yuri: Corrupt politicians are nothing new…

Shipward: No, the backup tape was corrupted, I’m guessing, not the President… but you can ask him for yourself, as he seems to have discovered our presence en route to one of his campaign stops, and he’s requesting a visit.

Yuri: A visit?? How did he detect us? I thought I rigged up that cloaking device many, many episodes ago!

Shipward: That was Runyan’s sweatshirt, which we left in his room.

Yuri: I see. Well, can this president board our ship? How big is he?

Shipward: Our ship is not quite large enough to welcome an olive of any size. We’ll have to use the ship’s external speakers to communicate. Should I put the president on the holo-communicator display here, Captain?

Yuri: Yes, of course… let me just tuck in my three stomachs…

President (Eric): Welcome, strange beings! I’m hoping I can count on your support this November! Do you need any help getting registered to vote?

Yuri: (nervously) Oh hello, Mr. President! The pleasure is all yours, as I believe you say here on Lurf. I would “don my cap” to you if I wore caps on any of my three heads…

President: Well they say three heads are better than one! (aside) Say, Walinsky, perhaps we could register this one three times? Since he’s got three-... what? Make sure they are all independently thinking heads? (to Yuri) Say there, friends, do all of your heads think for themselves?

Yuri: They exclusively think about themselves. (Yuri2) No, we don’t! (Yuri3) Speak for yourself! pause (Yuri1) See?

President: Excellent. I’ll leave three registration forms here for you, and who else might be aboard your little flying saucer here?

Yuri: This is hardly a “flying saucer”, Mr. President… it happens to be a first class StarRunner that we found in one of your-... well nevermind where we found it. It’s not a toy, I assure you!

Guri: O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!!

Yuri: Oh, pay no mind to him-

President: No, now your friend there is right to question my intentions! After all, you can’t judge a book by its cover. And that’s why, in addition to banning all book covers as one of the first acts of my next term in office, I’m on this campaign tour to share what’s on the inside of me.

Yuri: But you’re hollow-

President: Oh sure, you may see a pitted castelvetrano olive in front of you, but I think if you listen to this song, nay this whole rock opera that has been spilling forth from inside me of late, you’ll understand the depths of emotion and commitment that I can offer this great country of ours.

Yuri: Well, this country of yours… we’re not from here. We’re from Meeporp.

President: Meeporp, is that in the Cumberbatch Valley outside Sioux City? I have a cousin from there! Now make yourselves comfortable while I play you the opening number from Act One… we always travel with this old train car piano, see… they made it small enough to fit on a train car, isn’t that ingenious? Also good for me, since I’m a tiny olive.

Yuri: (aside) But he doesn’t have any arms or hands… how is he going to play the-

President: plays intro on piano I’ll cross Verrazono… from Castle Vetrano… where olives are hollow… but full of song though.

Then president launches into opening march to rock opera in background as Yuri and Shipward discuss the performance, Yuri very skeptical at first, Shipward points out the obvious baroque influences, Yuri coming around until at end of performance they are both shouting Bravo! Bravo!!

Ad lib ending: Shipward asks Olive about his position on pimento refugees, can’t we find homes for them in all of the pitted castelvetrano olives? President is open to this idea saying “A pimento’s home is his castelvetrano olive!” although he understands the NIMBY attitude many others have, THEEND makes an appearance asking if the president is a cookie, C.C. making fun of Sheila who still can’t get out of the leotard, Guri still quoting Shakespeare, “Out out, great spark!”

podcast, Season 2, Season_TwoYuriSeptember 8, 2022season 2