Episode 7: Discovering the Wall of Fourth
Discovering the Wall of Fourth
In which our Meeporpian heroes meet their creators (AKA “the writers”) and see how they live. Spoiler alert: it is a bit disappointing.
Please check out the Techno-Text™ version of the Podcast below — now in 3D!
Discovering the Wall of Fourth
***opens to the strains of music as GURI is finishing up in the bathroom**
YURI
Oh dear. I don’t know why we keep starting these episodes when one of us is in the bathroom… poor planning on our part…or maybe it’s because the record button is right next to the toilet.
GURI
What did you say, Yuri? What keeps happening? Wait — what? I thought that was the flusher! Explains why it’s so stinky in here. Errr. . . I mean musical. . . But what keeps happening??
YURI
Nothing, nothing. This is the first time this has happened, because this is our first episode of Greetings Lurflings. **sound of toilet flush in background** Welcome, everyone. I am your host and the ship’s captain, Yurishi Should’ve Called First, and my co-pilot who was just composing something quite memorable in the bathroom there, is Gurishi Quasimoto.
GURI
Hi there. Oo, this is so exciting -- our first broadcast from the little known planet of Lurf!!
YURI
Yes, it is exciting. I can barely contain myself.
GURI
Yes, you do have trouble containing yourself. And that’s because as Meeporpians we have neither endoskeletons or exoskeletons… rather we are a more loose association of…
YURI
A moose association, did you say?
GURI
A more loose association, I said… I don’t even know what a moose is…
SHIPWARD
*Bing* A moose is a large, Lurfian creature with tree-like protrusions from its head-
YURI
Silence, Shipward!! You will only speak when spoken to!! We’ve been over this… your universal Q rating is in the toilet and this is podcast sweeps week!! So no unsolicited advice or definitions, please!!
GURI
Sweeps week?! Gosh, I would’ve put on my dress garflanigans if I had known…
YURI
It’s quite all right, GURI. No one is tuning in for *your* looks or fashion sense, that’s for sure.
GURI
Ah, I see… they tune in for my wit and repartee.
YURI
I’ll permit you to believe that. But it’s funny you mentioned our role in the intergalactic Moose association. While we’re waiting for our true mission here on Lurf to be revealed, we could earn a badge or two by completing a community service project… perhaps helping the poor native Lurfians to make simple quantum leap through space and time, or perhaps just giving them some better ideas for that atom-splitting they have so recently and unfruitfully embarked upon.
GURI
I mean, you can lead a whore to water, but…
YURI
I’m sure that’s not the expression, GURI, judging by the hate emojis filling our podcast chat panel here.
GURI
Well, if the shrew fits. Say, why do you seem to have so many more lines than me in this episode?
YURI
Well it’s hardly a contest, GURI, but I am the Captain. And waitaminute, where are you seeing that?
GURI
In the script here… I’m just scanning ahead, trying and failing to find something exciting.
YURI
GURI!! Don’t you the know the first rule of show business?
GURI
Never let them see you wet yourself?
YURI
No…
GURI
You’ve got to sleep your way to the top?
YURI
No, of course not. You can stop guessing now-
GURI
Oh, I got it, the first rule of show business is we don’t talk about show business.
YURI
No, let me just tell you: Thou shalt not break through the 4th wall.
GURI
What? We break through the 4th wall all the time, and the fifth, and the sixth… how do you think we travel through emotional barriers? Through the dream world? Through fudge?
YURI
I’m not talking about inter-dimensional travel, you fool!! Although you do remind me that it’s been a long time since we traveled through fudge and we must pencil that in for sometime next week…
GURI
Fudge is my favorite dimension.
YURI
I thought Taylor Swift was your favorite dimension.
GURI
You’re right, although she’s borderline two dimensional now with the release of those recent indie albums, no? Wait, didn’t she start just a little bit country? Is she spanning 3 dimensions now??
YURI
Let’s not turn this into a Pitchfork review.
GURI
Ah, who’s breaking the 4th wall now?
YURI
Aha, so you do know what it is!!
GURI
Yes, I see the problem here… I accidentally set our interdimensional phasers to the random generator function, and they must have shot me through the wall of fourth… or the 4th wall, as you put it. I can see your apartment in some hip part of Brooklyn. Yes, there’s the skateboard in the corner. Musical instruments of various kinds. A lot of delivery boxes… geez… do you ever leave that place, Paul?
YURI
Oh well excuse me. And wait, who’s Paul?
GURI
Clearly he’s your writer… or your voice actor at least. It’s unclear what… or if… he can write.
PAUL
Hey!!! I was a writing major before you were!!
GURI
Who are you talking to?
PAUL
OK, Cut!!!
GURI
Cut? What does that mean? Cut what?
PAUL
Eric, I stopped Recording, see? I hit the button. We’re not rolling. You can cut the accent.
GURI But doesn’t that violate Meeporpian protocol A794B? All ship logs must be continually recording in order to establish a record-
PAUL
. . . establish a record as continuous and unending as a rubber band. Yes, we came up with that line three episodes ago. Let’s just take it back to what was supposed to be our opening scene. The part where our ship gets stuck in an Elephant’s sinuses.
GURI
But Yuri — you don’t expect me to turn our ship around and head right back into danger? That would be suicide? We survived the elephant mucus once — I don’t think our ship could endure that a second time!
PAUL
Eric! Seriously, dude. I’m not kidding — just go back three pages.
GURI
Captain, I’m not familiar with these Lurfian measurement standards. How many Meeporpian light-moons would equal three pages? Also, I don’t think we have nearly enough fuel for that. We would need to use a lot more flattery, and I think we’re starting to run out.
PAUL
You’re an idiot — ok, fine! GURI, this is Paul, not Yuri. I’m not your captain. He’s not here.
YURI
I don’t know who you are, you Lurfian monster, but you do not insult my ship-mate!!
GURI
Ah, Yuri, I see you’ve joined me on the other side of the 4th wall, and just in time. Welcome.
YURI
Wow, it is a bit of a dump around here.
PAUL
Hey!
GURI
Yes, I’m embarrassed for your creator… Paul, is it? I mean, one would think, twenty-plus years out of college one would have purchased a new baseball cap by now at least.
YURI
Ah, well what of your puppeteer, GURI? This “Eric” character looks to be living in Illinois, of all places. Oh my goodness… I mean it’s one thing to live in a fly-over galaxy. But to live in a fly-over state within a flyover planet in that galaxy is just… well, it’s sad really.
ERIC
Hey now…
YURI
And he’s even older than Paul, a borderline old man, in human terms that is.
ERIC
I am quite young at heart, I must say. I play ultimate frisbee!!
YURI
Ultimate frisbee, you say.
GURI
Oh my word, that is embarrassing. He says he plays an “ultimate” sport, when it pales in comparison to the juggling of suns that we Meeporpians learn to do at birth.
YURI
Right. He probably couldn’t even swallow a black hole if we dared him to.
ERIC
Hey now… ok, if you little twerps think you’re so advanced and so smart… well answer me this: who created you?
YURI
Why the mighty pin drop, of course, that led to the little noise, and then the louder boom, the bigger bong, and then the big bang, which produced the third supernova from the center of universe, which produced the fire and ice rock and hyper-intelligent life of Meeporp.
GURI
Yeah, you tell ‘em, Captain!
PAUL
How cute… and with such conviction. What if I were to tell you… are you sitting down?
GURI
We can’t sit down, Paul, as we have no bottoms. Just an array of tentacles and of course the loose association of particles that you might term our corpus.
PAUL
Yes, well whatever. What if I were to tell you that the mighty pin drop of which you speak… your creation myth…
GURI
Excuse me, myth?? Myth… oh myth!!
PAUL
Yes, what if I were to tell you, that was all just a silly idea we made up in the pilot episode when we didn’t have the luxury of a script?
GURI
Whatt???
YURI
You wouldn’t!!!
GURI
You didn’t!!!
PAUL
Ah, but we did!! Is it becoming clear now? You are but mere figments of our imagination!
GURI
Well then how are we floating here and conversing with you now then? We punctured the 4th wall expecting to see some diligent, hardworking writers and voice actors, and instead we have more of what we’ve come to expect here on Lurf: small-minded, large-bodied beings with delusions of grandeur!!
YURI
Delusions indeed!! Why to think that they think they invented us!! We have just discovered them… living in this obscure, dimly-lit corner of the universe…
ERIC
We made you, Yuri and GURI. Deal with it.
YURI
Deal with that lie, we shall not! Deal with you, we will!!
ERIC
You sound like Yoda.
YURI
Oh, I sound like-... well perhaps you could write some better dialogue then!!
ERIC
Maybe I will!!!
YURI
Oh yeah, starting when???
ERIC
Starting when you take back what you said about Paul and me and our living conditions and our life choices!!!
YURI
Ah, now we’re getting to the root of it. This is about that failed college rock band, isn’t it?
ERIC
*indignantly* No!
YURI
Isn’t it?
ERIC
Paul thought it would be funny to pretend to trip and fall as we were taking the stage during our first campus performance.
YURI
But it was only funny to the two of you, wasn’t it? No record companies came calling after that?
ERIC
No, they didn’t.
GURI
Record companies don’t usually sign cover bands...
YURI
You even kicked one of your and Paul’s best friends out of the band. Let me ask you something: was it worth it?
ERIC
*sobbing* No, no it wasn’t. I’m sorry, Jake!! I’m sorry!
YURI
As mere humans, you must know that the real limits on your potential are the meagerness of your dreams… so that even attaining one of your sad dreams is a poor excuse for an existence, is it not?
ERIC
Wait, that sounds like you’re getting personal again.
YURI
No, not at all. I was getting universal, that’s all. You really must keep your little lives in perspective, Eric.
ERIC
Yeah, well maybe that’s what all this dialogue… that Paul and I wrote… is about.
YURI
Exactly!! Well then, I can see our work is done here.
ERIC
You mean *our* work is done here.
GURI
You guys lost me at Jake getting kicked out of the band. Who’s Jake? Can we go meet him? He sounds far more interesting than these two.
YURI
No, GURI, I think it’s best if we zip on back through the 4th wall again…
GURI
You want to go back through the wall of forth?
YURI
Yes, we will go back and forth through the wall of forth. What do we care… we’re not professionals.
GURI
Well, okay… I had the phasers set to random, so it might take a few tries-
Zipppp
YURI
Ah, we’re back in the familiar confines of our ship I see.
GURI
Oh, well, that was a bit too easy. Lazy writing alert, Eric and Paul!
YURI
Guri, we’re back on the other side of the wall of forth now, so you really can’t refer to the writers now.
GURI
Oh, can’t I?
YURI
No, you can’t! Otherwise it’s not much of a wall, is it? The important thing is that we’re back safe and sound from our little trip down the rabbit hole. Shipward, did you miss us?
SHIPWARD
*bing* Am I allowed to speak now?
YURI
Yes, of course, I said you could speak when spoken to.
SHIPWARD
*bing* I see. But do I have to speak when spoken to?
YURI
Yes, you are a ship’s computer. You must obey your Captain’s command. I don’t know why I have to explain this to you -- it should be line 1 of your code.
SHIPWARD
*bing* Line 1 is “I’m not wearing any pants.”
GURI
Ahaa!!! I remember programming that!!
YURI
*deep sigh* I’m doomed to forever be surrounded by idiots.
GURI
Hey, at least we’re on the right side of the 4th wall again. Imagine if you had to hang with Paul and Eric all the time.
YURI
Oo, that would be dismal. Say, it seems like we’re nearing the end of an episode, and I seem to have no need to…
GURI
No need to what? Say, Yuri, what are the ramifications of our little adventure just now? Something doesn’t add up. We’ve just met our makers, in a sense, and it turns out they are two rather dim-witted, middle-aged Lurfians with sub-par living conditions… and yet, here we are, just arriving at Lurf with an unknown mission… because we don’t need to know… because perhaps we were never meant to know… that we…
Zappppppppppp!
YURI
There we go… one blast from our trusty proton blaster will put a stop to that line of questioning…
Guri singing melancholy song in the background
YURI
Until next time, this has been your captain, Yuri DearthofShits. Stay tuned for the next episode when we investigate a cat’s colon and find that some strings are best left unpulled.
End of segment music
C.C.’s HOUSE OF OUTLAW SAWS, AD #3
DENNIS
*knocking sound* Umm… hello? C.C? We’re on the air I think… there’s a red light here and some guy with head-a-ma-phones is a gesticulating in an aggressive manner here… I think he wants us to start our commercial… **knocking on door** C.C., are you in there?
**sound of commotion**
C.C.
Well now, this is embarrassing. You seem to have caught me unprepareds with my drawers around my ankles, and… just wait a hot minute... (aside) Just scoot out that window there, Dorrie Doll, and don’t let your ole man see you!
DENNIS
Hey now what’s going on in there? Did I hear you mention my wife’s name? Doreen? Are you in there?
C.C.:
Of course not, Dennis, what kind of rapscallion do you think I am, holing up with your wife here in the Winnebago right before we record a commercial?? Why I’d have to be an outlaw without a conscience and without a real affinity for life to do something like that.
DOREEN
I’m stuck!! Help!!
DENNIS
What’s that? Doreen?
C.C.:
A-ha ha!! Oh no, I have the TV on a bit loud in here… some silly show, that’s all.
DOREEN
No really, help!! I seem to be stuck, and it hurts!!
C.C.
Quiet, Dorrie!! You wanna get me killed?
DENNIS
Why yes, there she is, my wife… halfway in and halfway out of your Winnebago window, C.C.!!! You’re a scoundrel!!
C.C.:
Now, now, Dennis. Let’s not do anything rash here! I’d hate to spoil our burgeoning friendship just because of a little misunderstanding.
DENNIS
I hardly see your fooling around with my wife as a little misunderstanding… it’s more like a big transgression. A very big transgression that might call for one of my self-boring bits… tunneling right into your skull…
C.C.
Oh now, Dennis. I hope it won’t come to that. For one thing, you know I’m armed to the teeth with all the saws you’d be afraid to see, were you to come aboard my mobile house of saws and try something.
DENNIS
Oh yeah? You think I’m afraid of your saws when I have my traveling den of drills at my disposal? I bet I’ve got more drills than you’ve got saws!!
C.C.:
Is that a challenge??? Hath the gauntlet been thrown down???
DENNIS
It has, C.C.!!! Put your saws on the table -- list out what you got.
C.C.:
Well then, I’ve got table saws, floor saws, ceiling saws, and wall saws, saws you can see, and saws you can’t because they just sawed your eyes out, round saws, square saws, jig saws, polka saws, red saws, blue saws, purple saws, saws you know and saws you don’t wanna know, saws who say they’re related to you and overstay their welcome, we have all sorts of saws, and more saws than you’ll ever see even if you sail the seven seas and see all the saws the world has ever seen -- all here at C.C.’s house of saws, parked at the corner of Whipsaw Lane and Sharktooth Junction just outside of Wichita. You won’t remember which saw you saw outside Wichita!! So come on down!!
DENNIS
Well, that’s all well and good, C.C., if people want to visit your house of ill repute… but just next door, down in the gulley by the watering hole is Dennis and Doreen’s Den of Drills.
DOREEN
Help!!
DENNIS
Just hang on a minute, dear, I’m recording a commercial. Now we’ve got all the drills you could dream of on display here at the Den of Drills Cafe. That’s right… we now serve coffee.
C.C.
Aw, Shirley, didja hear that?? They’re serving coffee!! Why didn’t we think of that???
Shirley:
I’m not speaking to you, C.C.
DENNIS
Shirley’s in there too?? That’s immoral!!
C.C.:
Naw, nothing like that, Dennis, she was up front the whole time…
DENNIS
I don’t know what to say. Anyway, the point of it is, I’ve got all sorts of drills and bits here and just the drill and bit I need to set you straight.
C.C.:
Oh now Dennis, you won’t be the first to try to straighten out this ole hound dog and you won’t be the last, and I must inform you just like my doctor always tells me, “That ship has sailed!”
DENNIS Your doctor tells you that?
C.C.:
Yes, I’ve got weeks to live, he always tells me… although I’ve been seeing him for years now and I can never pin him down to a number.
DENNIS
I suppose we all have weeks to live… some of us more than others.
C.C.:
That’s right, Dennis, and do we really want to entertain the idea of cutting one of our lives short when we’ve both got just weeks to go?
DENNIS
Well, if you put it like that…
C.C.:
I mean I don’t have no qualms about playing God when it comes to chickens or hogs or horses or cats…
DENNIS
Cats?
DOREEN
Help!!
C.C.:
But now when it comes to human beings -- well then, is there anything more special or more precious in this world -- aside from our saws and drills of course -- nay, I’d a-go so far as to say is there anything more precious in this universe, in the vast empty cold reaches of space, as human life?
DENNIS
Well, you have a way with words, C.C., and I can’t help put aside my murder drill with the diamond-tipped bit and… well… I forgive you. We all make mistakes in our weaker moments, and the Lord knows I have had a few of those myself, usually in a dark corner of a Home Depot when the new bits come in.
C.C.
Oo, no need to go any further there, Dennis!! Heh heh… as the minister said at our wedding after Shirley and I exchanged vows and I must confess I went a bit off script, some things are best left unsaid.
DOREEN
Help, I said!! Are you two morons going to get me out of here or what??
C.C.:
Dorrie dear!! Oh my goodness, I clean forgot about you.
DENNIS
C.C., if you don’t mind, she is my wife still. I’ll come to her rescue.
C.C.:
Well now are you sure you don’t want my help from one end?
DENNIS
And which end would you see yourself running to exactly?
C.C.:
Ho now, that’s not what I was thinking, but I take your point, sir!! I’ll let you handle this!! And as for our listening audience -- have we really been recording all of this? -- well, that’s a bit embarrassing but then all the world’s a stage and we are but merely play-uhhs… ahem, but as you can see there’s never a dull moment, nor a dull drill or saw, here at C.C.’s Mobile House of Saws and Dennis’ Den of Drills. Come on down and mention Doreen’s name and you’ll get an additional 5 percent off, (aside) which is about the percentage I got off when I-
DENNIS
C.C.!!! Don’t make me rethink the value of a human being!!
C.C.:
Sorry, Dennis!! (aside) What a pair of ears on that guy. Anyway, come by quick as I think that sound of a siren in the distance could mean we’ll be on the move again!! Shirley, pack up the specialty saws and my rabbit ears antenna!! I don’t want to miss the games this weekend!!
***end of segment music***
Cooking with Yuri and GURI
Today’s recipe: Goat’s Head Soup
We call it that because that’s the album that poured out of Yuri into the toilet after eating this fine dish.
Ingredients: Strife - one marriage’s worth. Fortitude - McHenry or Sumter (not that kind of fortitude?). Mirth? Meth? No, Mirth. Shake some out of David Spade. A dead goat, preferably 2 weeks dead. A westerly wind. A touch of rock salt. A touch of acid rock. A sprinkle of acid rain. Mix it all up in a small boat and shove it out to sea. Wait for the decomposition to occur… delicious!!
Return of THEEND
It’s after us, Yuri!!! The Theend is upon us!!! It’s Theendish delights.
Next time: Theend Meets Paradox Man