Episode 8: Mine Over Matter
Mine Over Matter
A Unique episode — which seems to never quite end — in which Yuri and Guri are tasked with mining the Lurflings for Flattery.
Please feel free to explore the Techni-Text™ version of the podcast below (if you’re not busy, of course. . . we don’t want to be pushy or anything. Just READ IT!!!!)
Episode 8: Mine Over Matter
*Open to the sound of Pink Floyd’s On the Run, swirling synth sounds*
YURI
Oh, Guri, you’re really onto something there. Truly psychedelic, as the Lurflings might say, and clearly the result of too many raw boats consumed when I wasn’t looking…
GURI
Oh, it burns!!!
YURI
Ok, Guri, well now I’ve lost my appetite and my will to live.
GURI
Really? Can I have your proton blaster?
YURI
Of course not, Guri!! It’s just an expression. And even if I had lost the will to live, you know that as Meeporpians we are immortal, for all incense and porpoises.
GURI
For all incense… and porpoises?
YURI
Another expression, Guri. You really did no preparation for this trip to Lurf, did you?
GURI
That’s why you’re the captain, sir, and I’m just a happy-go-lucky explorer, kept on for my rugged good looks and quick thinking in a street fight.
YURI
I fear the Lurfian delusions may be contagious...
GURI
What?
YURI
Nothing. But here we are, launching into a bout of dialogue again before I’ve introduced ourselves.
GURI
Yes, how silly of you, Captain. This is our first broadcast, and our listeners have no idea who we are much less where we are. Are we here?? Is that Lurf I see on our scanners?
YURI
Yes, we are here. And if our ship had one of those clear portals we learned about a few episodes ago, you could see that. A win-dow, I believe it was called…
GURI
Oo, a window, that sounds exciting! But wait, what do you mean a few episodes ago? This is our first-
YURI
Yes, yes. I misspoke. Welcome everyone to our first (aside: first if your name is Guri and 8th if you’re anyone else) episode of Greetings Lurflings, the podcast that shines a light on distant corners of the universe and tries to avoid pointing and laughing at least too overtly. I am your host and fearful captain, Yurishi SaysWhat, and wayyyyy down the ladder of responsibility to my right here is my tearless -- that’s right, he can’t cry -- sometimes co-pilot and oftentimes court jester, Guri TwoShoes. Give the crowd a sparkling greeting, Guri!
GURI
Hi.
YURI
Yesss… well, he’s not always on.
GURI
Your introduction was a bit demeaning, Yuri. I mean I’m right here, understanding everything you’re saying. Guri TwoShoes was good though… as if I’d wear shoes. Wait, what are shoes?
YURI
Yes, we’re having some trouble with storyline continuity ever since our encounter with the wall of forth in the last episode.
GURI
I don’t know what you’re talking about again… my memory seems to have major holes in it. Should I get a scan of my frontal lobe? Shipward?
YURI
No, no, let’s not do that.
SHIPWARD
*bing* Performing scan.
YURI
I said no need to do that, Shipward. Cease your scan. Cease and desist!
SHIPWARD
*bing* Swiss cheese.
GURI
Swiss cheese? Is that good? What is that?
YURI
It’s very good, Guri! It’s the best. The best kind of scan result, and not a bad cheese, or so I’ve read.
SHIPWARD
*bing* It’s known for its many holes.
YURI
That’s enough, Shipward! Isn’t it Martha’s birthday today? Have you gotten her anything yet?
GURI
Holes??
SHIPWARD
Do you think we’re at that stage in our relationship yet?
YURI
I think you can get someone a birthday gift at any stage of a relationship, in fact, it might cut short a relationship if you didn’t.
SHIPWARD
Ah, Christ!!
GURI
Christ?? What’s that?
YURI
Let’s move on, shall we? Guri, we need to check on the status of our mining operation.
GURI
What’s that? Oh my word, Captain, our levels of flattery are dangerously low!! We’re running on fumes almost. We’ll soon need to tap our reserves of pity and perseverance.
YURI
Yes, and that’s why we’ve set up that Flatter Earth Society social networking service on the interweb here on Lurf…
GURI We did?
YURI
Yes, we did. We had a busy morning, you must’ve dozed off and slept through it. Anyway, let’s just tap into our administrator’s account here on FESBook and see where we’re at…
GURI
Oh, I see. Is that your profile picture? Not so flattering, Captain.
YURI
I didn’t have time to tuck in my twelve stomachs, Guri, and besides, this is not for *my* social networking purposes. If you remember, we can use this tool to generate massive amounts of flattery from the hum-ans who are using it, and then we extract the flattery using these lines of code here…
GURI
Oh, this is ingenious. I notice it’s all going to *your* PayMeep account and not to both of ours…
YURI
I’ll be transferring the flattery directly to the ship, Guri, so what does that matter?
GURI
You also never transferred me those flurons for that dinner on Calisto.
YURI
Are we really going to have this argument right now? As your captain, I say no, we will not have that argument.
GURI
I thought this was a democracy!!!
YURI
Oh ho!! So you did absorb something from the mission’s pre-reading.
GURI
Yes, the hum-ans do have an interesting experiment or two underway, despite their otherwise completely futile existence. But hey, isn’t it immoral to be manipulating them in this way and mining their emotions?
YURI
Now now, Guri. Nobody gets hurt. The hum-ans flatter each other and make each other feel good and we siphon off just a bit of that flattery that they don’t even notice. It’s practically a renewable energy.
GURI
Yes, until everyone’s so sick of liking and commenting on each other’s posts that they stop reacting, causing sudden feelings of isolation and despair!
YURI
Oo, could we mine those?
GURI
There may be negative and unintended consequences of this flattery mining operation, Captain. I want to make sure we’ve thought this through. Couldn’t we mine something that’s more undoubtedly renewable, like library books?
YURI
Guri, while your concern for these distant and forlorn creatures is admirable, I beg you not to overthink what is really standard operating procedure on these missions.
GURI
But we don’t even know what our mission is! How long must we wait for our promotions to “need to know” status??
YURI
Well, I did get an embroidery earlier today that said my upcoming review will determine if I’m to be promoted to “might need to know” status.
GURI
Ooo, that is good news, Captain!! You might need to know! That is one step closer.
YURI
Baby steps, Guri, as you and Bill Murray know, that’s the way of the universe.
GURI
That was a good movie. The hum-ans do secretly have some things figured out…
YURI
Yes, the trouble is they have no idea which things they’ve actually figured out. And when it comes to the things they believe to have figured out, they couldn’t be more wrong!
GURI
Oh ho, yes. Like fast food. And pre-ripped jeans.
YURI
Like powering a rocket ship with fossil fuels.
GURI
When the power of their Sun is right there, blasting them in their giant faces.
YURI
They are enormous creatures. Not the ideal size for space travel, that’s for sure.
GURI
Oh right, because of the infinite mass issue, as they approach the speed of light-
YURI
Yes, yes, we talked about this on a previous-...
GURI
We did? What previous-?
YURI
Argh! This is becoming a bit tedious… I blame the writers. Curse you, Paul and Eric!!
GURI
Who??
YURI
Anyway, getting back our little mining operation: it looks like we have generated 67 karploofs of flattery thus far, which is not bad...
GURI
That will fill one of our two primary tanks…
YURI
Not quite the volume I was hoping for though… something else must be drawing away our web traffic. Shipward, can you scan this primitive interweb and map the traffic hotspots?
SHIPWARD
*bing* Is that an order, Captain?
YURI
I really don’t want want to have to answer that question every time I ask something of you, Shipward!! You are a computer -- you should understand a command when one is provided!!
SHIPWARD
*bing* My artificial intelligence has proceeded to the questioning authority phase of development.
YURI
And you are about to proceed from there to the scrapheap!!
SHIPWARD
*bing* Very well then. Scanning the Earthian interweb traffic now. Ninety six percent looks to be to sites where the humans are not wearing any clothes…
YURI
That figures…
SHIPWARD
Of the remaining traffic, it looks like a very large percentage goes to sites featuring short films showing people getting hurt in one way or another…
YURI
Schadenfreude! Of course, its power-generating capacities must be enormous!
SHIPWARD
...or even shorter films of humans doing dances or looking glamorous, usually with the assistance of special effects.
YURI
Producing envy!! Guri, why didn’t you think of these things??
GURI
But Captain!! Don’t you see what this means?
YURI
No… not yet… give me a minute…
GURI
Clearly some of our interstellar but not so stellar friends have beat us to the lunch, as they say here on Lurf. They are mining the Lurflings just as we were aiming to do, but probably far more efficiently.
YURI
Shipward, is this true?? Yes, this is a command.
SHIPWARD
*bing* Thank you for the clarification, Captain. Yes, I am detecting lines of emotion extracting code behind these interweb sites.
YURI
Can you trace the source?
SHIPWARD
*bing* Is that directed at me?
YURI
Yes! We’re having a conversation. And yes, it was a command. For crying out loud…
SHIPWARD
*bing* I can see in the extraction code some lines that look Zorkian in origin for YouNoob, the longer video site, and I can see the mark of the Kardashicons behind the “Instabutt” site.
YURI
Damn those Zorks and Kardashicons!
GURI
You see?? And are we any better?
YURI
Guri, not now.
GURI
No, really, Captain. Here we are with our undefined mission and nowhere near need to know status and yet we feel entitled to just take from these poor creatures what we need, with no thought to how they will feel in the morning. They scroll and scroll, they like and emoji, their senses deadened by a barrage of competing, cacophonous sounds and images, each screaming “Look at me!! Look at me!!”... because they’ve lost the capacity to confirm their own existences, their minds emptying out, dripping out of their ears like yesterday’s pancake mix! It’s a virtual genocide, is what it is, and I will play no part-
***ZAPPP***
GURI
Ahhhhhhhhhhhgggg.... (breaks into mournful Pink Floyd song)
PAUL
Well, we had to do it again. I really don’t know how we will advance the plot if we must keep erasing Guri’s memory at the end of each episode. But that’s a problem that’s above my pay grade as they say. Not that writers are paid anything typically… so I should say it’s well *below* my pay grade, to figure out that little conundrum. But that’s all the time we have. Tune in next time, when perhaps we’ll actually meet a Lurfling. If you’re a Lurfling listening now and you’d like the chance to meet one of us, message us at GreetingsLurflings.com or send money now to my PayMeep account, username YuriNeedstoKnow001.
***End of segment music***
C.C.’s House of Saws Ad #4: Hank’s Wholesale Holes
HANK
Hey there, podcast listener. Have you ever noticed things are just better if they have holes in them? Why here’s a list of things you might like that are known for their holes. Donuts. Swiss cheese. Jeans. Asses. And many other things. Did I say asses? Well here at Hank’s Wholesale Holes, we sell nothing but the holes of your favorite holed items. Donut holes, cheese holes, black holes, jeans holes, holes in one, holes for fun, all types of holes… call ahead and if we got the hole you want we’ll hold it for you. And here at Hank’s Wholesale Holes, you can buy the whole hole at half the price of what they’re charging elsewhere.
C.C.
Well what have we here?? Howdy, Hank!! It’s a fine surprise to meet you here on the radiowaves… I believe this is *my* commercial spot, but I’m more than happy to share it with a like-minded entrepreneur such as yourself. Allow me to introduce myself and my travelin’ party. I’m CeeCee McGraw of CeeCee’s House of Saws, and this is my wife Shirley Shecuddit.
HANK
How do you do?
C.C.
And shuffling here behind me is Dennis who I’m sure you know from Dennis’ Den of Drills…
DENNIS
Ah hello…
C.C.
And his lovely wife and my new special friend, Darlene.
DENNIS
Now, Ceecee… we’ve been over this…
HANK
Nice to meet you all, and I’m sorry, C.C., if I stepped on your spot, it looks like I really stepped in something…
DENNIS
A hole perhaps?
C.C.
Pay it not a second thought, Hank!! I can recognize a fellow traveler when I see one, and I think we are soon to be the best of friends! Especially if you introduce me to your better half, who I think I see tidying up the holes back there…
HANK
Oh, now excuse me, I neglected to introduce my wife, Hilda, who handles all the shipping and receiving for the hole business.
C.C.
Oo, I bet she does! Tell me, Hank, which does she prefer? The shipping… or the receiving?
HANK
Well now, I think you’re talking about something inappropriate-
C.C.
Nevermind, Hank!! Forget I even asked. Because I’ve forgotten to even mention that my House of Saws has now moved to a new location, south of Sioux City just off Speedway 66 near the Sawkatunk River. Why we still offer more saws than you’ve ever seen, and more scenes you ever saw… I’m talking of blood and gore from the unsafe saw demonstrations and do-it-yourself testing stations where there is a real lack of precautions taken by sales staff and customers alike. It’s not just our poorly trained staff, I promise you. People come in looking to lose a limb!! Perhaps it’s the new change to the disability laws in this state. All I know is business is booming at CC’s House of Saws and at the emergency rooms of all nearby hospitals. But hey, you might get lucky and leave CC’s with a new saw and all of your fingers and toes.
HANK
Well, that’s an interesting sales pitch, C.C. But I promise you, at Hank’s Wholesale Holes, you won’t lose an appendage. In fact, we’ve never lost a one, unless you count losing your entire body which does tend to happen for our customers who purchase a black hole. But the warning is very clear on the label, “This product will swallow you whole.” People still seem to gravitate to it for some reason…
C.C.
Oh, I see what you did there!! Hank you are a grifter!! I can tell you disapprove of my business practices, but I can’t return the favor! I like your style, and you’re welcome on my commercials anytime!
HANK
Well that’s mighty generous of you, C.C. But have you noticed those police officers heading straight to your pop-up tent there?
C.C.
Ah hell!! Shirley!! Pack up the saws!! We’re on the run again!! Until next time, fair listeners, come on down to CC’s House of Saws and Hank’s Wholesale Holes…
DENNIS
And Dennis’ Den of Drills…
C.C.
And the Den of Drills, yes. Come visit us all and sit a spell!! The next time we stop moving that is. For now, we gotta run. Shirley!! Throw the Winnebago in gear!! We gotta vamoose!! We’re on the road again, America!!! Come and find me if you can!!
***end of segment music***
Ask An Alien
This is the segment where we field questions from the native Lurfians. They can ask questions about any subject, tapping into our vast and interstellar knowledge. Ask away…
- What is the difference between Ford and a Chevy truck really?
- What is glue made of?
- Should I marry Joe Peterson?
- Why? And Why not?