Season 2 Episode 10 — Some Enchanted Onion
Some Enchanted Onion
Experience the thrilling adventures of our Meeporpian heroes as they attempt to escape the evil Gorgon, Lord Camembert in season 2 episode 10, Some Enchanted Onion! Our galactic adventurers traverse the winding wormholes through space and time, facing the likes of transformed spiders, dead leaves, and lowly slime molds on their quest. This is an episode you won't want to miss, with special guest star, the one-and-only John Denver!
Check out the full Techni-Text™ version of the episode below!
Season 2 Episode 10: Some Enchanted Onion
Opens to strains of John Denver’s Take Me Home Country Roads…
Narrator: We rejoin our Meeporpian heroes – or at least we are attempting to rejoin them – after countless journeys to different versions of the universe via the wending and winding wormholes through space and time. For the more casual listeners out there, allow me to catch you up on the storyline, such that it is.
Yuri: Is that the narrator again? Why can’t I reach my photon blaster?
Guri: I think it’s because in this universe we look to have taken the form of highly evolved slime molds. We seem to have zero tentacles at the moment.
Narrator: That is correct, Guri. You are highly intelligent but just barely mobile slime molds, and I have no reason to fear being on the receiving end of a proton blast, at least until you can ooze your way back into the wormhole to your next destination and corporeal form.
Yuri: Oh well that’s just great! We are oozing our way just as fast as we can then… and then watch out!
Guri: We’ll just ooze on down, ooze on down the road, as the Lurfian saying goes. Oh, how I miss our home universe!! Maybe the next trip will get us back there…
Narrator: Anyway, while they are slowly sliding their way back into the wormhole, I shall remind the listeners that our favorite Meeporpian explorers are being pursued by the evil Lord Camembert, son of Gorgon Zola, the supreme leader of the Gorgon empire, who Guri was able to slay at the end of season one with a combination mold blast and heat ray…
Guri: Shhhhh, Mr. Narrator… say, what is your name? I can’t keep calling you Mr. Narrator-
Narrator: Oh… my name’s Phil.
Guri: Oh, okay then, Phil-
Narrator: Phil McCracken!!
Guri: Aha!! Yes, our writers do like to play games with our last names…
Narrator: Oh I get it… that’s real mature.
Yuri: Phil, I will be murdering you just the first chance I get, but in the meantime, we don’t want Lord Roquefort to know just yet that it is we who-
Lord R (Eric): Oh mmmmhmmmmm, did someone say my name?
Yuri: No, no, Roquesy… no you must have misheard…
Lord R: And why am I dangling from a web??
Narrator: It appears as if the Gorgon Prince has taken the form of a spider in this universe. Anyway, I realize I was maybe a bit too ambitious in my attempt to catch up the casual listener on what is an exceedingly intricate and involved storyline here in season 2… and really, if you’re just a casual listener of this podcast, then what’s wrong with you? What else is occupying your time that’s so important? Work? A romantic relationship? A prison sentence? Perhaps a once romantic relationship that now seems like a prison sentence. Or is it a hobby? Maybe you’re into building ships in bottles, or needlepoint, or macrame?
*ZZAPPPPPP**
Narrator: Arrrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Guri: Where did that come from??
Lord Camembert: Take that you imperious narrator!! I will not stand for you insulting me as a casual listener of this podcast. I just listen to figure out where these scoundrels are, and then no more. From what I’ve heard, there should only be casual listeners of this podcast. It’s atrociously written and even more poorly performed!
Guri: Ouch!! I am doubly offended!!
Yuri: But who is that? I can’t see, as I’m guessing slime molds don’t have eyes either. Shipward!! Status report!!!
Shipward: Our ship is nowhere in sight, Captain, and I’ve been turned into a dead leaf. See, I’m right next to you.
Yuri: Oh, goodness… but no, as I just said, I can’t see, so I didn’t see you right next to me-
Lord Camembert: There you are, you slimy underlings!!! You murderous rogues!!
Lord R: Mmmhmmm, Cammy, is that you?
Yuri: Aaahhhh!! It’s Lord Camembert!! Quick, Guri, ooze faster!! Shipward, hang on to the edge of my slime puddle… we’re making a break for it!
Lord C: Roquefort, my brother, what are you doing consorting with our sworn enemies here?! Let me guess, you befriended these scum… who now look to literally be scum… in one of your gambling binges on Fanshooey?
Lord R: Mmmm, guilty as charged…
Lord C: Roquefort, you besmirch the family name and are a great disappointment to me and to our dear departed father.
Lord R: That’s been well established, yes… wait, so he is deceased? I thought you called me a few episodes back and implied that he wasn’t-
Lord C: I think that was a conversation we had when the Meeporpians traveled back in time due to some continuity problems caused by a faulty space toilet, if I’m remembering that episode correctly. But who can keep this steaming dung heap of a show straight in their heads? I know I can’t. Now stand aside as I end the insignificant lives of these Meeporpian assassins!!
Yuri: We’re almost into the wormhole here!! Come on, Guri, put some muscle into it!!
Guri: I’m not aware that I currently have any muscle… I’m just sort of willing my way… and I’m not even sure how I’m doing that, if slime molds don’t have brains.
Yuri: Let’s not overthink it!
Guri: I don’t think we could overthink it… is what I’m saying…
Lord C: Uggh, this endless and pointless banter that I’ve had to endure for the past however many karflugons, listening to bits of your idiotic podcast in order to track you down. I suppose since I just disintegrated your narrator, it is I who should welcome the listeners to what is this episode 10 of Season 2?
Yuri: How dare you welcome our listeners to to our podcast?? Now you have crossed a line! Hath your evil… knows no bounds??
Lord C: I think it’s “Doth your evil know no bounds?” – if you want to be grammatically correct. Or you could say “Hath your evil no bounds?”
Guri: chuckling Hath and doth… reminds me of one of those quaint Lurfian Star Wars films… wasn’t Hath Solo on Planet Doth when he crawled inside that frozen creature to stay warm?
Yuri: Shut up, Guri! Can’t you see I’m in a verbal tete-a-tete with Camembert here?
Guri: Oh… sorry.
Yuri: So, Camembert, I suppose you want to be the host now? You think this is easy, doing what I do? Not only exploring the universe, commanding a crew of nincompoops-
Guri: Hey!
Yuri: -and entertaining an audience of billions across the universe? Or across the multiverse now, I suppose.
Lord C: Well it doesn’t look too difficult, no. Seeing as how there are apparently no objectives you need to achieve. No audience or ratings metrics that anyone seems aware of or all that concerned about.
Guri: We did hear that our ratings were “a little soft” from that marketing consultant last episode…
Yuri: You’re a little soft, Guri!! In the head!!
Lord C: I do enjoy how you berate your underlings, Yuri. You might’ve made a decent Gorgon had you been more fortunate in your choice of parents and species.
Yuri: That’s hardly something I chose, Camembert.
Lord C: Oh but is it not? You are traveling through the multiverse and taking on different forms as we speak. Surely you could choose to remain here as a slime mold, or somewhere else as one of these hummus beans you’ve so recently discovered… after all, that species is responsible for one of the ultimate beings in the universe, one who achieved more than anyone else I’ve come across…
Guri: Oh, really? Maybe it’s someone we’ve interviewed recently in our series of time travel interviews-
Lord C: No, no… you’ve spoken to very few beings of consequence, I assure you. I’m referring, of course, to Henry John Deutschendorf Jr…
silence
Lord C: Who you may know as John Denver.
Guri: John… Denver?
Yuri: Isn’t that a City?
Lord C: Oh come on!! You guys!! How can you two say you have discovered Lurf when you have yet to discover the mellifluous tones of John Denver’s greatest hits?
Guri: Is he a musician? Because you know we’ve actually produced most of the music on Lurf by using our space toilets… it’s hard to explain, but that’s what happens.
Lord C: Yes, yes, I’m aware that Yuri produced the White Album after some bad soup on Rom 16… but the origins of Take Me Home Country Roads and Starwood in Aspen can only be the one and only John Denver.
Yuri: (quietly) We’re just about in the wormhole… come on, Shipward, your stem is sticking out still… Roquesy, come on, get in here…
Lord C: I might be most partial to his version of Poems, Prayers and Promises from the Wildlife Concert. Just a heartfelt pastoral… now, sure, some people today applying an equity and diversity lens might criticize the cultural appropriation inherent in a nerdy white cowboy singing a song about a group of Native Americans sitting around a campfire passing a peace pipe, but to that I say Hooeey and Hogwash!! John Denver can’t help the color of his skin anymore than he could help his nearsightedness… which I guess runs counter to an argument I was making just a few minutes ago with you, Yuri… Yuri? Say… where did they all go?? Aw noo!!!! They got to the wormhole!! Curse my love for John Denver!! It’s my only weakness!!
Announcer: And nowwww, we will pause for a worrrrrrrd from our sponsorrrr!
Lord C: Do you mean to tell me I’m going to have to wait through an inane and infernal advertisement to see where these Meeporpian murderers end up?
Announcer: awkward pause And nowwwww, we will pause for a worrrrd-
Lord C: Oh I get it, you’re just the announcer, not the narrator, who I blasted out of existence. So I suppose you can’t respond to me… you just have that one line to read in front of you and you can’t say anything else…
Announcer: And nowwwwwww-
Lord C: Oh just cut to the commercial already!! Please!!
end of segment music
Announcers Anonymous, Ad #2021.12.30
Betty (Eric): Oh, thanks for meeting me here, Ron.
Announcer (Paul): Well surrrrrreee thing, honey, this used to be our faaavvvvvorite cafe! Why did we everrrrrrr stop coming here?
Betty: Yes… well, Ron, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about-
Waiter (Jeff): May I take your order?
Announcer: Hollllllldddddd that thought, Betty Boo!! I’d like to order up something exxxxxxtra special for this little trip down memmmmmorrrrrrrry lane!!
Betty: Oh now… I wouldn’t… please don’t make a fuss-
Announcer: It’s been a while since I fussed over you… so a fusssssssssssssss is a must!!
Waiter: The kitchen’s actually a little backed up if you were thinking of ordering a-
Announcer: Nonsense, my good man!! Surrrrrrrrely you could find your way to snagging us your verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry best brandy and an order of tiramisu!!! With forks for two!!!
Betty: No, really, Ron… you shouldn’t-
Waiter: We’re not serving alcohol just yet, sir. The bartender isn’t in yet-
Announcer: And herrrrrrrrrre’s a little something for your troubles, now offffffffffffffffff you go, good sir! I have m’lady to talk to!!
Betty: Ron, I’m trying to tell you… I called you here for a serious talk… and we might not be in the mood to celebrate once you hear what I’ve got to say.
Announcer: Oh!!! Oh I see. This is one of thoooosse lunch-time meetings!! I’ve been caught commmpleeeeeeeetely off guard!!
Betty: I’m sorry, Ron, I just don’t think this is working out-
Announcer: Wherrrrrrrre is that waiter??? I dessssssssperately need to cancel that expennnnnnnnsive order!!
Betty: -and it hasn’t been for a while now…
Announcer: You cannnnnn’t be serious, Betty!
Betty: I’m very serious, Ron. It’s over between us.
Announcer: Can you telllllllllllllllll me what it is that’s not working for you, Betty? Mayyyyyyyyyybe I can change.
Betty: Well, I mean…
Announcer: Is it my thinning hair? I was considdddddddering implants!!
Betty: No, it’s not that! I haven’t even noticed that, Ron.
Announcer: Is it how I chew my food? I’ve been told I eeeeaaaaat like a horse!
Betty: No, Ron, that doesn’t bother me all that much.
Announcer: Oh, hold on. Is it sommmmmmething in the bedroom??
Betty: No, no, Ron, it’s nothing like that!!
Announcer: Yes!! Did you hear that, ladies and gentlemen?? It’s nottttttttttttttttt a problem in the bedroom!!
Betty: Ron, you’re making a scene!!
Announcer: Well I don’t know why you’d want to have this conversation in a public place. You knowwwwwwww I’m an announcer!
Betty: Yes, Ron, and I think now we’re zeroing in on the problem. You see, you’re sort of married to your work, you’re just… always on. Always announcing.
Announcer: But Betty… you knew this about me from my dating profile. I stated my profession quiiiiiiiiiiite clearly!
Betty: I knew you were an announcer, Ron. I didn’t know that meant you were always announcing everything. It’s just a little much, don’t ya think? Or a lot too much!
Announcer: Thisssssssss is quite a shock!
Betty: But, Ron… I can’t be the first person to mention this to you.
Announcer: I belieeeeeeeve you are the first person to call attention to my unuuuuuuusual pattern of speech.
Betty: What about the time we were at the deli and you ordered “Onnnnnnnnnnnnnne pound of bologna!” and everyone stared?
Announcer: I just thought they were slightly envious of my onnnnnnnnne pound of bologna!
Betty: Okay, well I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I think you will drive anyone you spend any significant amount of time with absolutely insane. You have to try to stop announcing everything in your everyday conversations. Save that voice for when you are working.
Announcer: I’ll take that advice under serrrrrrrrrrrrrious consideration.
Betty: I hope you do, Ron. I wish you the best. So goodbye.
Announcer: And just like that, she walked riiiiiiiight out of his life!!
Waiter (Jeff): Here’s the tiramisu with two forks… the bartender’s still not in, but-
Announcer: loud sobbing
Waiter: You know what? I’ll just get you the brandy.
Announcer: more sobbing
Voiceover (Eric): If you or someone you know is a compulsive announcer or an extra loud talker who is prone to dramatically stating the obvious, then call Announcers Anonymous at 1-800-CHEESE-IT, that’s one eight hundred… cheese… it. We’ll connect you or your friend with a licensed speech therapist and, for more extreme cases, with someone with a large baseball bat. You see, the first step is to just get the announcing to stop, and usually a wallop to the back of the head will do the trick. The minor physical attack will be followed by proven methods to get you or your friend talking like a normal human being after just a short counseling session and three months of remote-controlled electro-shock therapy. All waivers can be signed electronically, thus ensuring rapid and effective treatment that will stop unwanted announcements within moments of you picking up the phone. So what are you waiting for? Dial 1-800-CHEESE-IT now and let Announcers Anonymous provide you with a quieter tomorrow.
end of segment music
Resume Season 2 Episode 10: Some Enchanted Onion
Guri: Wasn’t that the announcer from our show… on that ad just now?
Yuri: Oh I don’t know… I wasn’t listening.
Guri: I think it was… oh my… Captain!! Is that you? You are… I don’t know how to tell you this.
Yuri: I think you do, Guri, and I’m willing to bet you’re about to do just that. What is it? What forms have we taken now in this version of the universe?
Guri: Well, I seem to have taken the form of a full-size hummus bean. I can see C.C., Hank, and Dennis just a karpec away or so and we’re the same size for once!
Yuri: Oh, excellent!! It will be nice to meet them, how do they say it here on Lurf, “face to face”?
Guri: Well, not so fast, Yuri. It seems that we didn’t both take the same new forms upon emerging from the wormhole this time.
Yuri: Oh really? That’s strange… typically we do. So then… oh no… what am I? And, come to think of it, why can’t I see anything?
Guri: Well it seems like you’ve taken on the form of a can of soup, Captain.
Yuri: A can of soup???
Guri: Yes… so it seems. I mean I think that’s you… here, do you feel this?
METALLIC BANG SOUND
Yuri: OUCH!!! Yes!! What was that?
Guri: Sorry, Captain. I just dropped you onto the ground, onto a flat rock… oo, you look a bit dented now.
Yuri: Of all the shapes and objects to be… how did I wind up as mere cannon fodder in this universe?? I blame the writers!
Guri: They do seem to be having a bit of fun with you. And I suppose me and my hummus bean friends could have some fun with you as well… there’s a game called “kick the can”, I believe…
Yuri: Don’t you dare, Guri, or I’ll have you demoted to space toilet attendant!! Now pick me up and maybe hold me in some sort of deferential manner. I have to retain at least some dignity as we plot our next course of action. Shipward!! Status report!
Shipward: Well, Captain, I have a bird’s eye view of the proceedings here, having emerged in the form of a golden eagle in this version of Lurf.
Yuri: What?? You’re a golden eagle in this universe?? And I’m a can of soup?? This is so embarrassing…
Guri: Come now, Captain… you don’t even know what kind of soup you are.
Yuri: I hardly see how that would make a difference-
Guri: Well not all soups are equal, as we should be well aware. Remember how astonished we were that the hummus beans had managed to split the pea?
Yuri: Yes, I remember. Am I split pea soup at least?
Guri: No… let’s see here, let me translate the label… it looks like you’re an Italian Nuptial Ceremony soup… seems quite specific.
Shipward: It’s called “Italian Wedding” soup, and the hummus beans eat it on all sorts of occasions, not just during Italian weddings.
Yuri: Great, that’s fine. Good to know. Now, Shipward, is the wormhole in sight? I suppose we should just jump back into it and continue our search for our home universe.
Shipward: Well, our party seems to be caught up now in what looks like a pilgrimage of sorts… a long line of hummus beans all heading in the same direction towards that mountain off in the distance… it looks to be just a few karpecs from here.
Yuri: A moun-tain? What is that?
Shipward: It’s a large and tall formation of rock, usually created by the collisions of tectonic plates beneath the planet’s surface, or sometimes created by a volcano.
Yuri: Why are we all marching to a mountain?
Shipward: Perhaps we can ask one of our hummus bean friends… I think I saw them consorting with their fellow beings a few moments ago.
C.C.: Well, I’ll be, is that you, Shipward? In the form of an eagle?? How cool is that??
Shipward: It is me, yes, hello, C.C.
C.C.: And did I see you holding a conversation with a talking can of soup just now? Is that you, Captain?
Yuri: sigh Yes… yes it is I, Captain Yurishi Sashimi-
C.C.: Awww, how cute is that?? See how the little lid moves up and down when he talks?? You know I gotta hand it to the multiverse… it’s pretty creative! Keeps us on our toes!!
Yuri: Yes, the multiverse really knows no bounds when it comes to… ridiculousness… but we’re hoping you could answer a question for us, C.C.-
C.C.: Chuckling I’m sorry, I’m just having a hard time taking you seriously, Captain. I mean you just look like a character straight out of the Muppet Show or something… Hank, am I right? Oh you can’t see anything still. Dennis? Now where’d Dennis go?
Yuri: (exasperated) For the love of comets, Shipward, can you just ask him if he knows where we’re going?
Shipward: Sure thing, Captain. C.C., did you gather from anyone you talked to where all of these people are heading?
C.C.: Ah, I sure did, Shipward. It seems as though we’re all marching across this desert to visit an all-knowing oracle who lives at the top of that mountain there… it’s called Mount Vidalia.
Yuri: An oracle? What’s an oracle?
C.C.: Now you got me there, Your Soupiness, but I just know it’s something we have to do. Every time we step out of line or slow down, these sheep herders appear out of nowhere and keep us moving in the right direction.
Yuri: Shephards, do you mean?
C.C.: No, not shephards… actual sheep, herding us humans, I guess. Another nice little twist in this universe, I guess.
Yuri: Ok, but getting back to the oracle… what is-
Shipward: An oracle is a being or a medium that provides visitors with wise counsel or prophecies… supposedly based on some knowledge of future events.
Yuri: I see. Very interesting. Perhaps we can ask this oracle how to get back to our home universe. Come on, Guri, step on it!! Let’s get to the front of this line!
Guri: What does “step on it” mean, Captain? I’m trying to be careful not to step on Anonymouse and his merry band of rebels, who seem to still be with us.
Yuri: Oh really? I wouldn’t know… I can’t see anything.
Anonymouse: Yeah, we’re still here, waitin’ for our chance to sock it to the Gorgons… unfortunately when we were in Lord Camembert’s presence in the last universe we had been transformed into inert gases, so I mean fuggheddaboutit.
Shipward: Inert gases, like Helium or Radon?
Anonymouse: Well maybe, but I meant “inert” as in unable to move… and anyway, we don’t have names, remember? Hey!! You there!! Careful with my violin!! You’re dragging it in the sand!! Who is that? Who? Where’s my regular violin carrier? You know the bigger guy, with the slightly torn ear… no, not him, his ear is completely torn, this is just a little tear… barely noticeable, not really enough to distinguish him from the other mice, I guess. He was wearing blue shorts. Ah, we’re all wearing blue shorts. Geez louise, maybe I should rethink this “nameless band of rebels” thing…
Shipward: At this rate, Captain, we should reach Mount Vidalia before the Lurfian sun sets. In just half a karflugon or so…
Yuri: Oh very well… I mean, I feel like we could just zoom over there in our ship-... oh no!!! Where is our ship??
Shipward: It looks like it’s been transformed into the shape of a can opener in this universe, Captain. Which could come in handy if we need to extract your contents.
Yuri: And just why would we need to extract my contents?? I told you I will not be reduced to cannon fodder!!
Guri: Well, besides, Shipward, the lid is already half open anyway… and wouldn’t you know it… he looks to be empty on the inside. Something I’ve long suspected.
Yuri: Okay, that’s enough from the both of you! Let’s just stick together, this motley crew that we’ve become…
C.C.: Did you say Motley Crue, Mr. Souperific? Because now there was a band. (huffing and puffing) I mean I can’t say I was a huge fan of them from the start (catching breath), but that Dr. Feelgood album just knocked my socks off… (more huffing)... say… why is this so steep all of the sudden?
Shipward: You’re just starting to hit the foothills of the mountain in front of you.
C.C.: Oh now that’s easy for you to say, Mr. Golden Eagle!
Hank: I’m a little out of breath myself. Makes you wonder why they’re called foothills, when they are definitely higher than one foot.
Dennis: Aw come on, you guys… I don’t how we’re gonna make it up that mountain if you’re already huffing and puffing in these here foothills.
Anonymouse: Eyyyy, why don’t you all zip it up with the complaints, how’d you like to be a mouse?? These foothills look like mountains to us, I mean, fugggheedddaboutit…
Hank: That’s true. Just imagine what a mountain looks like to a mouse!
pause
Anonymouse: It looks like a mountain!! Geez, I mean, what’s wrong with him?? Am I right? Can I whack this guy or what?
Dennis: He’s temporarily blind, so I think he was literally trying to imagine what a mountain looks like… to a mouse… or to a human…
C.C.: Oh now, Dennis, no need to try to cover for Hank. We all knew he was a bit slow even before he singed his eyeballs.
Hank: Hey, you know my ears work just fine… and I don’t appreciate being referred to as uhhh… what was it? Uhh… a bit slow.
C.C.: What’s that, Hank? I’m sorry, a turtle just passed you on the way up the mountain here.
Hank: Well now see, I thought you were referring to my mental capacity. If you’re talking about my physical speed… well, I am blind at the moment…
C.C.: And you know what I think, Hank? I’m thinking you're starting to let that little disability of yours define you… define who you are as a person. And as your sole friend in the universe-
Hank: Sole friend?
C.C.: I’m not going to stand here and let you put those limits and labels on yourself. You are not Hank, a blind person… you are Hank, a person who happens to be blind, and probably just temporarily at that.
Hank: Probably?
C.C.: You are not disabled, Hank. You are differently abled.
Hank: Dennis, is this a good size rock in my hand?
Dennis: Yes.
Hank: And is C.C. right in front of me?
Dennis: Yes he is.
WOOD BLOCK HITTING SOUND
C.C.: OUCH!!!! My head!! What was that??
Dennis: We must be in a falling rock area, C.C., and it looks like you just got hit.
Guri: Goodness, this whole walking and climbing thing with these hummus bean bodies and legs is losing its charm quite quickly. How do you do this, friends??
Dennis: That’s why we prefer to drive everywhere. But no one seems to have a car in this whole line of pilgrims. Matter of fact I’m not sure it can be called a pilgrimage if you’re not walking.
Hank: I think it can, Dennis. Just think of the pilgrims… they took three boats, did they not?
C.C.: Oh yeah, the panko, the pinto, and the santo domingo!
Hank: No, that’s not right…
Dennis: He’s been hit in the head, don’t listen to him.
Guri: Well anyhow, I do miss our hovering Meeporpian forms. We could just hover right up this mountainside.
Yuri: You’re the one who seemed to have a soft spot for these hummus beans, Guri.
Guri: Well, yes, for their nascent, if not somewhat primitive, creativity and intelligence, but not for their corporeal forms, that’s for sure.
Dennis: You shouldn’t write off our forms completely until you’ve seen Rita Hayworth in The Lady from Shanghai.
C.C.: Oo, now Dennis, you’re going way back with that one. I thought you were gonna say Pamela Anderson in Baywatch or something…
Dennis: Not at all, C.C., that’s a fast food, surface-level, immediate gratification version of physicality that I, for one, do not appreciate. I was trying to educate our alien friends here as to the ideal of beauty that radiates from within… something that the true stars of yesteryear like Rita Hayworth exhibited.
Yuri: Well, Dennis, we’ll have to add The Lady from Shanghai to one of our evening watchlists… if we can ever return to our ship and our normal forms that is…
Guri: Captain (huffing and puffing), I think we’re getting close. The line of pilgrims is only moving slowly now, and we seem to be waiting our turn to enter that cave opening on the cliff up ahead.
Yuri: Ah, good, I will need you to point me in the right direction once we enter, Guri, so that it looks like I’m addressing the… whoever it is we’ll be addressing… an oracle of some sort did you say, Shipward?
Shipward: Well, I didn’t say it, C.C. did. But checking my old computer memory files on Lurf in this version of the universe-
Guri: Wait, our old ship’s computer had files on all the various versions of the universe??
Shipward: It did.
Yuri: Yes, Guri, you know the Meeporpian Royal Navy spares no expenses when it comes to computer systems. Why they’ve stuck with the old method of embroideries for all communications, I’ll never understand.
Shipward: As I was saying, checking the old memory banks, it seems like the oracle of this mountain is some sort of enchanted onion.
Yuri: Ah yes, at the top of Mount Vidalia… that checks out.
C.C.: My pa used to eat raw vidalia onions like apples!!
Yuri and Guri: Shhhhhhhh!!!!
Yuri: I would keep that to yourself if I were you, C.C.!! We don’t want to offend the oracle.
C.C.: Oh, I didn’t mean any offense by it… was just saying I bet this oracle’s dee-licious! I meant it as a compliment-
Vidalia: SILENCE!!! Will those outside my cave door speaking of eating my kinsmen like apples please enter!!!
Yuri: Holy asteroid fields, C.C., now you’ve done it!! You’ve offended the oracle!!
C.C.: But I-
Shipward: I’ll be ready to swoop in as a distraction, Captain, if things get dicey in there.
Yuri: Thank you, Shipward. Guri, remember to face me forward, I want to make a good impression.
Guri: You’re a soup can, Captain… there’s only one type of impression you can make, I think.
Vidalia: Present yourselves, you who enter the presence of Oracle Vidalia!
C.C.: Now your onion-ness, I just want to say I meant no disrespect in recounting the deliciousness-
Vidalia: Silence, mere human!! I well understand the awkwardness and limitations of your species, so early on as you are in your evolution into one of the universe’s higher life forms.
C.C.: Well thank you-
Vidalia: I am much more interested in conversing with your alien friends, alien to this Earth. It seems as though one of them has taken on your form…
Guri: Yes, your Many Layeredness, I am Guri Tutankhamun, the second in command of the Meeporpian scouting mission, and this here is our Captain-
Yuri: Yes, hello Sir Vidalia, I am Yuri-
Vidalia: Who’s that talking? Where’s that voice coming from?
Yuri: Am I facing the right way, Guri? I told you to face me the right way!! Can he see my lid moving??
Vidalia: Is that a talking can of soup?? What is this, a rip off of Wet Hot American Summer? I mean really.
Yuri: We do suffer from lazy writers.
Guri: To be fair, Captain, I don’t think the writers remembered the talking can of soup from that movie though when they decided upon your form in this universe.
Yuri: Oh, you don’t think so? How would you know? Are you inside the heads of our writers now?
Guri: Well… they’re inside ours, no?
Yuri: And I suppose the opposite might be true as well then. Nevertheless, it’s not a very original comedic device and I certainly don’t find it amusing.
Vidalia: (amused chuckling) Oh ho ho!! The can of soup is getting upset!!
Guri: See? The oracle likes it, Captain.
Yuri: Fine, well Mr. Vidalia, I understand that you might be able to grant us three wishes!!
Vidalia: What?? Three wishes?? What am I some sort of genie in a bottle?
Guri: Oh, Captain… now you’ve done it…
Vidalia: I suppose you think we wise and all-powerful beings all look and act alike, is that it, Captain Yuri??
Guri: I’m sorry, Sir Onion, and let me apologize on behalf of the Captain here. He’s been under a lot of stress lately…
Vidalia: (laughing) Oh ho!! I get it!! His contents were under a lot of pressure recently… because some cans are pressurized before they are sealed up!! That’s a good one, Guri.
Guri: Oh… well I didn’t mean it that way, but yes, I suppose that’s true too.
Vidalia: Look, despite your onion-eating companion and your racist Captain-
Yuri: Racist?! But I don’t even see race!! I can’t see anything at the moment.
Vidalia: He doth protest too much, doth he not?
Guri: Hath he no shame?
Vidalia: He doth and hath not!!
(Guri and Vidalia laughing)
Vidalia: But seriously folks… you’ve made me chuckle and for that I’m willing to help you get back to your home universe.
Guri: Oh thank comets!!
Yuri: But how did you know that we were going to ask about getting back to our home universe?
Vidalia: I am an oracle!! Have you not been paying attention?? I foresee the future, I understand the present… I don’t do much with the past…
Guri: So how do we do it, oh Oracle of Vidalia? Is that what we should call you, by the way?
Vidalia: Sure… sure, or my friends call me O.V. for short. So when it comes to wormholes, timing is everything. Your former ship’s computer has currently taken the form of an eagle, is that right?
Guri: Yes, a golden eagle even. He’s hovering just outside the cave entrance.
Vidalia: Good, good. So have him set his alarm clock for just before sunrise, which I believe is 5:25 in the morning tomorrow.
Guri: Ok, and then what?
Vidalia: Then from a vantage point 200 meters above the surface-
Yuri: Excuse me, about how many karpecs is that?
Vidalia: Somebody tell the can of soup to can it!! Oh ho ho!! Get it??
Guri: Very good, sir. That’s a good one. Captain, don’t worry, we’ll do the conversion later.
Yuri: I don’t have to stand for this indignity!
Vidalia: From that high vantage point, just as the sun rises over the horizon, Shipward the eagle should be able to spot the correct wormhole entrance that will take you home.
Guri: Wow! So it’s that simple?
Vidalia: Yes, well you know what they say – the early bird gets the wormhole.
Guri: We’ll have to turn in early tonight, Captain, to make sure we can all wake up in time…
Yuri: Yes, we will have to convince Anonymouse and his nameless band of rebels to keep it down.
Guri: I know… I didn’t know his “band” of rebels was actually a bolero band.
Yuri: With the blaring horns late into the night… it’s enough to drive one mad.
Vidalia: This is all very interesting but I believe I have helped you and you should exit the cave to your left. There are many in line behind you.
Guri: I know!! Do you ever get a break, O.V.? What do you do when nature calls?
Vidalia: I usually let it go to voicemail. She’s a bit of a Debbie Downer. Always going on about the greenhouse gases, and the rising acidity levels in the oceans… I mean, we’ve all got our own problems, babe! Tell it to your therapist!!
Guri: No, I meant when you have to go the bathroom-
Yuri: Thank you, Your Oracleness. As the captain of this party, I wish to extend the gratitude of-
Vidalia: I said, “Get out!!”
Guri: Oh!! Ok, we’re going, we’re going! Come on, Captain.
Yuri: Well! I don’t think he would have spoken to me that way if I wasn’t a can of soup!
end of segment music