Episode 3 (The Prequel)
3, 2, Zurp, Contact
In this episode, we go back to the beginning, as our Meeporpian travelers land on Planet
Lurf (sic) for the first time, encountering several frightening obstacles along the way.
Below, check out the alt-text version of the Season 1, Episode 3 episode: 3, 2, Zurp . . . Contact!
Episode 3 (The Prequel): Contact!
Opening Scene: Ladybug Encounter
***Podcast begins to the strains of an acoustic version of Footsteps by Pearl Jam, or actually, as we come to realize due to the sound of a flushing toilet, Yuri expelling last night's boat food.***
GURI
I THINK THAT ONE MAY BE A KEEPER, YURI. SOME NICE MELODIC STRAINS THAT WILL HAVE THESE LURFLINGS SWAYING IN UNISON, HOLDING THEIR LITTLE FLAMEMAKERS ALOFT.
YURI
YES, IT WAS SURPRISINGLY GOOD BOAT FOOD LAST NIGHT, WASN'T IT?
GURI
AS SURPRISING ON THE WAY OUT AS IT WAS ON THE WAY IN.
YURI
WHICH IS WHAT SHE SAID.
GURI
What?
YURI
That's what she said, is... I believe... a guaranteed punchline here on Lurf.
GURI
Why would she say this? Did she ingest the same boat food we did last night? Who is she anyway?
YURI
No, Guri, it's an expression that alludes to...
GURI
And does she have a sister?!?!
YURI
Ah, I see... now you're getting it.
GURI
But we haven't even introduced ourselves, Yuri. Here we are rambling on already...
YURI
Right, right. We can't assume our listeners have heard us before... this being our first podcast.
GURI
It is our very first contact with the denizens of Lurf. How exciting!
YURI
Yes... it is exciting.
GURI
You seem something less than excited, Yuri...
YURI
What?
GURI
Almost like this isn't our first time speaking with the Lurflings...
YURI
Well of course it is, why wouldn't it be? We have subscribers already and quite a following around the galaxy and we're available on ITunes even, but you're right, this is the first time we are attempting to make contact with intelligent life on Lurf, and we do need to introduce ourselves...
GURI
Why do I have the feeling we've done this before?
YURI
No matter, welcome, everyone, to Greetings Lurflings, the greatest podcast since Dancing in the Stars. We are your tiny hosts. I am Captain Yurishi Montpelier, from the planet of fire and gas, Meeporp. And to my left... my lefthand man, as I believe you Lurflings would put it, is Gurishi Tarator, my copilot or my "God" as you might also put it.
GURI
I think "God" might be too lofty a title, Yuri...
YURI
Yes, but sometimes here the copilot is referred to as a God, from what I've gathered from our crack research team...
GURI
You mean our intern, Timmy?
TIMMY (IN DISTANCE. VOICE SQUEAKING)
Whaaat??
YURI
Silence, Timmy!!
ASIDE TO GURI
We totally need to fire, Timmy, Guri. He’s completely inept.
GURI
You’re going to fire Timmy and Guri?! I’M GURI!!!
YURI
No, just Timmy. Timmy comma Guri. Not Timmy and Guri. Didn’t you hear me pause for a se — never mind. . .
YURI (Yelling to Timmy)
Can't you see we're in the air?!?! The pluben light is on, and you know what that means?
GURI
Dinner is ready?
YURI
No, it means we're broadcasting!! For copilot's sake!!!
TIMMY (IN DISTANCE)
Sorrrryyy!
GURI
Oh that's right. We're broadcasting for the first time to the poor creatures of Lurf. So lost, so ignorant, so trapped on their little sphere, so ripe for...
YURI
Now now, Guri. We must not divulge the purpose of our visit here just yet.
GURI
What? You know what our mission is? Why didn't you tell me???
YURI
Well, not exactly. You know our mission is on a need to know basis, and as you know, we don't need to know.
GURI
I don't understand why not, seeing as how we're here, we've just arrived, and we are making contact... have you asked our supervisor, Xranos the Toothless, what our mission is?
YURI
He doesn't know either. I think he's hoping for a promotion to need to know status next Tuesday. Or at least that’s what I think. I can’t really understand half of what he says half of the time. Sounds like he was ordering lunch of something. Kept saying “soup and side mee-shun”
GURI
Soup and side mee-shun? What is that?
YURI
I don’t know. Probably one of those fancy places on the west-side of the crater. Maybe one of the restaurants where you can actually eat on the boat. They make the food right in front of you. Pretty amazing, actually.
GURI
But then why would he be saying “soup and side”?
YURI
I don’t know, Guri. This isn’t a cooking show. I don’t know what “soup and side mee-shun” is? But whatever kind of food it is, the place didn’t sound so great. He kept mumbling about it being pointless to go, and that there will be nobody left. For make your own boat place, that doesn’t sound so great, right?
GURI
But is he really getting promoted to “need to know”? Oh, won't that be exciting!
YURI
But that doesn't mean we'll need to know.
GURI
Yes, but surely Xranos could strongly hint at our mission... especially if we ply him with a case of Bubbledart. Once he has a few frothy ones, he's sure to split the bananas, as they say here on Lurf.
YURI
I believe it's split the banana actually. Orrr. . . no, spill the beans! That’s it!
GURI
Beans!!! The second most intelligent form of life on Lurf??? Who would be foolish enough to spill those?? My goodness.
YURI
Yes, well, Guri, we haven't the time to argue about local colloquialisms just now, as we seem to be facing an external threat of enormous proportions, according to the ship's computer.
SHIP’S VOICE
Oh snap, you in it now! This ship will be devoured by a native species in 30 seconds. 29... 28...
GURI
Yuri!!! Do something!! What is it???
YURI
I don't know but it's hideous!! OMG, It’s a freaking alien!!! With a face like a Weinglurt's bottom, many dangerous-looking appendages encircling our ship's core as we speak...
SHIP’S VOICE
25... 24...
YURI
Ship's computer, scan the galactic manual for this creature's identity. Find its known weaknesses!!
SHIP
Should I pause the countdown then?
GURI
Yes, pause your infernal countdown!! How's that helping anybody??
SHIP
It's letting you know how much time you have left to get your affairs in order.
GURI
I will put your affairs in order, if you're not careful!
YURI
Wait, will stopping the countdown actually give us more time? Just because you’re not counting down right now, doesn’t mean we have any more time before that hideous alien eats our ship!
SHIP
No, you two are the aliens, remember?
YURI
Aliens, don’t look like us — they look like that giant monster with multiple eyes right outside our ship
SHIP
So, should I keep counting?
GURI
If you stop counting, does it actually give us more time.
SHIP
Yes, actually.
YURI
How on lurf is that possible?
SHIP
You wouldn’t understand.
YURI
Try me.
SHIP
The space time continuum can actually be broken down into extremely small slices called, planck windows. Now, according to quantum theory, if we look at the following equation, y=z
GURI
OK, forget it! Forget it! Just stop counting, OK?
SHIP
OK, then. But I’d still recommend putting your affairs in order. Or perhaps I should just list them. First there was that hot flimbot on Fanshooee... don't think I didn't record everything that went on in Bay 17.
GURI
How dare you!!!
YURI
Enough, children, enough!! I've scanned the galactic manual while you two nitwits were fighting...
SHIP
YOU HAVE LIKE 3 SECONDS LEFT...
YURI
And it looks like this terrible creature is called Lay-dee-burg. Terrifying.
GURI
A lady-bug, I believe.
YURI
Yes, a ladybug, my mistake.
SHIP
You're out of time by my initial calculations. But my initial calculations seem to be off because you're still here... most regrettably...
GURI
I will reprogram you!!
YURI
Later, Guri! It says here we can disperse this ladybug monster by expressing, internally or aloud, a desire and then sending a puff of air in its direction.
GURI
Make a wish, and blow it a kiss? Is this a Disney Princess movie?
SHIP
Oh, I can't wait to see this.
YURI
Yes, Guri. It's just that simple.
GURI
Well sure it sounds simple. I'm not sure I could identify a desire or wish that I have.
YURI
Really, Guri? You were just moments ago wishing to know the purpose of our mission here on Lurf.
GURI
Well yes, but what if it's a terrible mission? What if I have to give piano lessons to small Lurflings? Would I really want to know that?
YURI
That would be bad.
GURI
And then how will either of us be able to expel enough air from our six tiny lungs to influence that giant creature out there?
YURI
Also a good point.
GURI
We could barely move an eyelash on that thing.
YURI
I'm pretty sure ladybugs don't have eyelashes.
GURI
They might! They very well might!! Ship's computer, do ladybugs have eyelashes??
SHIP
As much as I don't want to help you, I could offer one solution to the problem posed by your miniscule lung capacities.
YURI
Really? Do tell.
SHIP
I can switch my main engine thruster into hair dryer mode upon command.
YURI
Hair dryer mode!! Of course!! I almost forgot that section of the captain's manual.
GURI
I don't think they included that specification, or any of the ship's specifications for that matter, in the Co-pilot's manual. My manual was just a coupon for pizza on Balzatron.
YURI
And that's an important role to fill, Guri... provider of discount pizza, on nights when we cannot cook by boat.
GURI
It feels like something our intern could handle.
TIMMY
Whaa???
YURI
Don't be ridiculous. Timmy can barely scrub the toilets with any sort of noticeable effect.
TIMMY
The toilets again? I'm on it!!
YURI
But look at him go. So happy when he has a purpose.
GURI
It's as if you've proton-blasted all the ambition and rumination right out of him.
YURI
You can't prove that!
GURI
What?
YURI
Nothing. So getting back to the matter at hand, we need to make a wish, and then switch the engine to hair dryer mode, upon my command…
SHIP
Upon your special command.
YURI
Yes, upon my special command... wait, what's the special command?
SHIP
I'll never tell.
GURI
Damn you, you imperious circuit box, tell us the special command.
SHIP
Do you promise not to re-program me?
GURI
I make no promises I'm not bound to keep.
YURI
Yes, dear ship, he promises.
GURI
What? I didn't…
YURI
I'm pulling rank here, Guri. We simply must escape the evil clutches of this ladybug before we become it's boat soup.
SHIP
THE SPECIAL COMMAND IS: "LUSTROUS BOB, OH BOB, YOUR LUSTER."
*awkward silence*
GURI
Can you repeat that, Ship?
SHIP
Sure, the special command to turn my engine into a hair dryer is: "Lustrous bob, oh Bob, your luster."
YURI
I will never say that.
GURI
But you have to, Yuri!! You said it yourself, the ladybug is about to soupify us!
YURI
It's too embarrassing.
SHIP
That's not what you said when you programmed in that special command, Captain.
YURI
Silence!!! You infernal machine!!
GURI
Oh, the soup thickens!! Do tell, Yuri!! Who is this Bob?
YURI
I... can't believe this is happening…
GURI
One of those late nights in the Ruminary quarter of Lampos, no doubt?
YURI
Nothing as scandalous as that, Guri.
GURI
It's no big deal, Yuri. You know as beings from Meeporp we're all pansexual. Meaning we will have sex with pans... but only if an old, rotting boat is not available!
YURI
You're mixing up our cooking and mating rituals again, Guri.
GURI
Is there a difference???
SHIP
Not if you do it right.
YURI
Oh for copilot's sake! Okay, for the sake of our paltry little lives and for the sake of this unknown mission, I will do it!
GURI
Excellent! (Aside to Ship) Please tell me you'll record this, Ship. I'll never threaten to reprogram you again.
YURI
Ok, Guri, make your wish.
GURI
What, now?
YURI
No, let's schedule the saving of our lives for tomorrow at 3:00pm. Does that work for you? I'm booked before then... with a whole lot of death and destruction!!
GURI
Okay, okay! Easy, Captain. Okay here goes... I umm... let's see. Oh okay, got it. I wish for a boat full of jelly and that Lurfling actress from Splash, what was her name?
YURI
Splash? The 1984 film about a mermaid?
SHIP
This is great.
GURI
Stop the recording!! Now I'm embarrassed!!
YURI
It's fine, that wish will suffice. There's no time to second guess our innermost wishes.
GURI
Right, so let's hear yours.
YURI
I am making my wish now. I didn't say you had to make it out loud.
GURI
Oh no you don't!! I just spilled my guts here about a childhood crush on… what’s her name…
SHIP
Daryl Hannah.
YURI
Were you here as a child, Guri? This is our first visit to Lurf.
GURI
It's the time travel thing, we'll get into it in a future... or past... episode. But you have to say your wish out loud, otherwise it's not fair. You didn't tell me we could make the wish to ourselves.
SHIP
I'm really surprised the ladybug hasn't devoured all of us by now. I'm embarrassed at my own initial calculations…
GURI
Did you carry the 4?
SHIP
I did... not. That's it... so silly of me…
GURI
Ok, out with it, Yuri.
YURI
Who's the captain here?
GURI
Who wants a mutiny here? Hey... put down that blaster…
YURI
I don't want to have to use this again…
GURI
Again??
YURI
I meant for the first time.
GURI
You said again.
YURI
Here's my wish!! I wish to float like a butterfly, but sting like a Zillowbird!
GURI
Oh... well that was anticlimactic.
SHIP
You still need to say the special command.
GURI
Oh, right, that will be enjoyable.
YURI
(deep sigh)
Yes, that's right: (ahem) Lustrous bob, oh Bob, your luster.
***Sound of hair dryer***
GURI
It worked!! The ladybug is flying away!!
YURI
Hooray!!
SHIP
Saved for the time being. I'll alert you the next time one of Lurf's one-hundred-and-thrity-six trillion creatures approaches you.
YURI
I know you will, trusty Ship's computer. Say, we really should have given you a name.
SHIP
Bring it up with the writers!
***Much laughter***
***New segment music (thumb piano)***
Ask an Alien feature
**introduce idea of segment, humans can ask us anything at all** (ask us anything — except for maybe why we’re here)
YURI
So our first question looks to be coming from Kim in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
GURI
Sioux Falls? Why doesn’t somebody catch her? Or at least put some pillows on the ground.
YURI
Yes, why does she fall all of the time? Probably not enough meals cooked in boats, if I had to venture a guess.
What is hair made of?
YURI
This next question is coming by what you Lurflings call Email from Lance Boils.
GURI
Really? Lance, the first thing you need to do, before we answer your question, is to change either your first or your last name. You could change it to something nice, like Water Boils. Or Water Boils, but Milk Doesn’t.
YURI
You want him to change his name to a sentence?
GURI
Yes! Punctuation included! Water Boils comma but Milk Doesn’t period. Would you capitalize the “b” in “but”?
YURI
It sounds impractical.
GURI
Um, yes, you could make that check payable to Water Boils, But Milk Doesn’t. Don’t forget the comma and the period at the end. The name has to match my signature.
YURI
And milk does boil, doesn’t it, Guri?
GURI
It more sort of froths.
YURI
Yes, I know the feeling.
GURI
Oh, are you frothing right now? Are you Frothy the Snowman?
YURI
I am not Frothy the Snowman! Stop it! Let’s get to the next question.
What's the fastest way to get to Detroit from Chicago?
Are dust bunnies alive?
How do you apply to enter a float in the Macy's Day parade?
If my last math test was on imaginary numbers, why did I get a real F?
Is it true traveling at the speed of light makes you have to pee?
***New segment music (thumb piano)***
Cooking with Yuri & Guri
Upside Down Boat Cake
YURI
As with any cake, one of the most important ingredients is love. You should extract this from unsuspecting teenagers on their first date, preferably by infiltrating the straws of their soda pops and gaining access from there to their hearts. Take as much as you can carry, but leave enough behind for the inevitable heartbreak. It's important not to alter the trajectories of love and loss for these Lurflings, lest they begin to suspect something.
GURI
Another important ingredient is regret. Visit your nearest casino, bar, or brothel and obtain a generous sample of the goo off the floor.
YURI
Ummm. . . I don’t think that’s regret, Guri. You'll need a splash of ineptitude. For this you will want to visit any chain restaurant and pay a visit to the shift manager. Extract three of his/her eyelashes when they are napping against the drive-thru microphone.
GURI
Then of course you'll need your flour, eggs, sugar, and an old boat that's just barely seaworthy.
YURI
Mix all the ingredients in the boat, push it off to sea, and wait for its return. Time travel will help here. When it comes back, the boat will invariably be upside down, and the cake will have been cooked countless times by the sun, ripened deliciously by the seawater brine, and be ready for consumption. And by consumption, I mean the plague that troubled this planet for much of the last century.
****
Future episode idea: Yuri and Guri encounter the fourth wall during their time travels. Whole episode is Yuri and Guri trying to get us to break character and learn about their creator/voice actors. At one point they get Guri’s voice actor to reveal he lives in Illinois, and he is much embarrassed. Illinois???? The state name that just gives up before the end and doesn’t even pronounce its last letter? A lot like Arkansas in that way. Yes, how ignominious to live in what they call fly-over country… although really all of Lurf is flyover country if you ask me. But to live in the part of a fly over planet that even its own inhabitants wisht to fly over… that is like fly over squared. Double flyover. Ahh, but is that like a double-take? You fly over it twice because you can’t believe what you have just found? No, it’s not like that.
Also, we should give the ship’s computer a name in an upcoming episode but also reveal that it’s not really a computer but a small being from the planet of Toshiba who has been imprisoned inside our ship’s systems room. Sometimes we forget to feed him and the entire ship goes offline. This explains the heavy doses of personality, sarcasm, independence, and discretion evident in our Ship’s character, which could never be programmed. Silly humans are on a wild goose chase with their whole venture into AI -- they will never achieve anything that surpasses Taylor Swift in terms of computer-generated personality and function.