Season 2 Episode 8 — Benevolent Cheese
Benevolent Cheese
In this episode, our heroes meet Lord Camembert in a parallel dimension — only this version couldn't be more different than the evil Gorgons with whom they initially clashed. In fact, in this dimension, the Gorgons only exude the most cheesy benevolence.
Check out the full Techni-Text™ version of the episode below!
Season 2 Episode 8: Benevolent Cheese
*Opens to Monkey Man, by Rolling Stones (either we try to play it, or will play bit from phone)*
YURI
I like that one, Guri, a bit of an homage to that strange hummus bean we met last episode.
GURI
Yeah, you know, I can’t control what comes out of me, but you’re right. It’s a bit reminiscent of that silly scientist… who thought that all creatures… get this… evolved from the same ancestors!
YURI
I’d have to kill myself if that were true. I couldn’t live with myself if I was somehow related to these hummus beans.
GURI
Oh, I know… I’d help you… I’d help you kill yourself if that were true.
YURI
Well it would be true for you too then, Guri. So I don’t know why you’d be helping me to kill myself when you’d be wanting to kill yourself too. Unless you're keen on murdering your superior officer...
GURI
No, no… I’m not, Captain. Of course not! I was just agreeing with you on the silliness of the thought that we might be related to these Lurfian sub-creatures...
YURI
Oh, all right then. Yes, I mean maybe all the creatures on this podunk planet are evolved from the same primordial goo…
GURI
They probably are. I mean don’t get me wrong… I’m still holding out hope… I’m rooting for life on Lurf, I really am… but so far, the hummus beans we’ve met are either a bit daft and accident prone or they’re overly needy...
YURI
Hold on-... hold that thought, Guri. I’m getting some squawking on our communicators…
C.C.
Yuri or Guri, can you hear me??
YURI
And right on cue…
C.C.
I sure wouldn’t mind the comforts of one of your space toilets, not to mention a space shower, as I still have all this sand on the inside of my clothes, and it’s quite uncomfortable. Is there any way you can shrink us down again to bring us aboard your ship? It’s cold out here at night… and I think I hear a coyote!
*Jeff imitates Coyote sound in distance*
YURI
Um, hold on, C.C., let me check with the crew here on what’s possible. (aside) Please tell me we can’t bring him aboard here… we still haven’t repaired Space Toilet #3 since his last visit.
SHIPWARD
Well, the last time we brought them aboard we utilized programmed black hole travel, which is always a bit risky. And it would obviously require a black hole. I’m not sure if Hank has any of those on him.
YURI
Ah good. He probably doesn’t have any of those with him. Um, C.C.? We’d love to have you back on board here… we’re all dying to see you on the ship… is that the Lurfian expression? How nonsensical that is! Why would you say you are dying to do something, when if you died, you most certainly wouldn’t get to do it.
GURI
Well, I think it means you want something so bad it is practically killing you. Like when you first met the Noodle Queen and she was only occasionally responding to your love embroideries, sort of stringing you along… you were dying to see her, if I remember correctly.
YURI
Yes, yes, thanks for the explanation, Guri. I imagine you were just dying to work my ex-wife into the conversation. And now you’ll be dying soon!
GURI
Captain!! Holster that proton blaster!! You know it’s against Meeporpian protocol to fire at a subordinate!!
YURI
Yes, typically they aren’t worth the ammunition! But anyway, C.C., getting back to your request, the thing is… to bring you aboard the ship your friend Hank would have to have one of those black holes in a box, and even if he did have one, it’s a bit risky-
C.C.
Aw swell. Thanks, Yuri. Let me see if Hank has one of those. Hey, Hank, wake up!!
HANK
Oh uh… what? What happened?
C.C.
We’re still in the desert, Hank, and yours truly has to go real bad. So do you happen to have one of those black hole jobbers on you?
HANK
What? What do you need with a black hole?
C.C.
So we can go back aboard the little alien ship and use one of their space toilets.
DENNIS
Aw, find a bush, Audrey!!
C.C.
Oo, I know that reference, Dennis. That’s a great flick, but it’s not helping me at this time.
HANK
C.C., I still can’t see anything! My eyes, how bad do they look?
C.C.
Oh, Hank, you’re so vain. But if you need a second opinion, sure, I’ll take a gander. Well, your eyebrows are gone, so right away that’s a bit freaky. Say, didn’t you lose your eyebrows back during our tent fire, when our roadside store burnt down?
HANK
I sure did. They had just about grown back too.
C.C.
It’s crazy how this keeps happening to you. But, yeah, there’s just two ashy smudges where your eyebrows used to be. And then your eyes, well they look fine, aside from not seeming to focus on me when I’m standing right in front of you. Hot cheese and potatoes, are you blind, Hank?!
HANK
That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
C.C.
Wait, have you always been blind?
HANK
Well, no, of course not! You know that!
DENNIS
Don’t be so sure, Hank! That C.C. has a hard time seeing beyond his own halo.
C.C.
I resemble that remark, Dennis. Now, Hank, try to focus… oh-... sorry, bad choice of words. Here, see if you have any… oh whoops… I did it again. I keep making references to your sight, even though I’m aware that I shouldn’t… I don’t know what’s happening.
DENNIS
You’re pathologically insensitive, is what’s happening.
C.C.
I know… I’m trying! Hank, can you check your person there and see- bah!!... check if you have any of those black holes in a box.
HANK
You know, C.C., I haven’t been blind long enough to be offended by your sight-centric language.
C.C.
Oh good. Because I gotta say, it’s hard to adjust how you speak at the drop of a hat.
DENNIS
Yeah, it’s harder for some than for others.
C.C.
That’s what she said. Now, Hank, how about them black holes? I really gotta take a whiz!
HANK
Well I’m sorry, C.C., I didn’t bring any black holes with me-
DENNIS
Now hold on a second. C.C., are you making all this fuss just because you gotta take a tinkle? For the love of creamed corn, just go anywhere out here.
C.C.
Well now, Dennis, now look who’s being insensitive? There’s not a bush or a bit of cover as far as the eye can see out here. Just deserts! And I happen to suffer, if you must know, from a moderate case of paruresis.
*awkward silence*
HANK
Parurrr… what?
C.C.
Commonly referred to as shy bladder syndrome. I’ve a shy bladder… there, I said it! Now everyone knows, even our little alien friends. I’m so embarrassed. I may never pee again!
DENNIS
I’m not sure that’s a real thing, C.C. -- you know, it’s just like you to encounter someone with a bonafide disability and then have to come up with one of your own to keep it all about you…
C.C.
No, guys, I swear on my favorite saw it’s a real thing. You can check with that walking encyclopedia, Shipward, there. Shipward, can you hear me?
YURI
Oh, goodness, what are they squabbling about now? Shipward, can you settle this argument for them?
SHIPWARD
Sure, Captain. Scanning my memory banks. Yes, it looks like a being with paruresis finds it difficult or impossible to expel waste fluids when other beings are around. Paruresis is believed to be a common type of social phobia, ranking second only to the fear of public speaking. Paruresis is often first experienced at school.
C.C.
It’s funny you should say that, Shipward. And thank you, by the way, for validating my disability.
DENNIS
I heard him say it’s a phobia, C.C., not a disability.
C.C.
Well I find it quite disabling, Dennis! But getting back to my story, I did first experience this debilitating phobia at school.
DENNIS
We don’t need to hear this-
C.C.
It was recess. Maybe second or third grade… about a year before my pa made me drop out to take care of the pigeons. Me and some other boys found a dead squirrel in the corner of the playground underneath the big oak tree. Poor little guy’s ticker must’ve just given out when he was scared by a hawk or something… or maybe the missus had had enough of his daytime dalliances with the chipmunks down the trunk-
DENNIS
Oh, Lord, C.C., can you just get on with it??
C.C.
You’re right, Dennis, how the squirrel died is not germane to the story. Suffice it to say it’s dead on the ground in front of us, and Mickey LaFontane, sort of the co-leader of our little pack along with yours truly, decides right then and there that we’re forming a club, and to be in the club you have to whip it out and pee on the dead squirrel. Now I didn’t know about my shy bladder before this point in my young life… I guess I never had it put to the test. But immediately I had a sense that this could pose a problem for me. So being quick on my feet, I right away started making a case against the idea based on the principles of hygiene and public health, saying it might be possible for whatever diseases that dead squirrel harbored to travel right upstream, as it were, and into our bodies. Right into our johnsons. “Do you want a sick dick?” I remember asking my friends? I tried to hone in on Marvin, who was the more tentative soul among us. He had a pet bird. He once took a solo in the school chorus, singing very high notes in front of the whole school. So I tried to get him on my side… but to my horror I saw he was already peeing on the squirrel. Mickey locked eyes with me -- we had been competing for leadership of our little gang for quite some time. He knew he had me as he took his turn wetting the deceased rodent, all without breaking our staring contest.
DENNIS
Ok, C.C., I think we’ve heard enough! I believe you-
C.C.
I couldn’t ever face those boys again. I was ostracized at lunchtime. Persecuted throughout the playground. Basically driven out of school… all thanks to paruresis.
HANK
That’s a sad story, C.C… makes me glad I’ve just lost my sight. Well, look here, I can’t see anything, and Dennis will cover his eyes if you want to wander over there and just do your business.
C.C.
What about our little alien friends?
HANK
They’re still figuring out how to use the windows on their ship, so I think you’re good there.
C.C.
Fine. I’ll see what I can do. Yuri and Guri, back to you. And no peeking please.
YURI
Oh my comets, I can’t believe our hummus bean friends have monopolized this much of the start of the episode, when I haven’t even welcomed our listeners to what is the eighth episode of Season 2. I am your host, Captain Yurishi Lackowits-
C.C.
Ah no!! Where’d this guy come from? My shy bladder is gonna explode!!!
DENNIS
Who are you talking about-... oh, hello, sir! Where did you come from?
ROQUESY
Mmmmr, right, jolly good to see some other intelligent-... or at least semi-intelligent life! Well, yes, I recognize you from the rescue scene at the well. I was in the crowd when you and those little Meeporpians were saving the boy, and then I saw you all fall into that parallel well they were digging-
YURI
Why, do I hear my old friend?? Roquesy, is that you?
SHIPWARD
You’ll need to turn on the ship’s loudspeaker, Captain. Here you go.
YURI
Oh thank you. Roquesy, is that you?
ROQUESY
Yuri!! Yes! I came looking for you! Everyone else left and they started boarding up the tops of the wells but I slipped by them before the last board was in place. And I scaled down the walls and then found the hole you dug to try to escape. And I traveled through it, expecting to come back up near the top of the well, but instead there’s nothing but desert. What in the Tiburian Quasars is going on here??
YURI
Well, my friend, I’m afraid we’ve traveled through a wormhole and into a parallel universe… or a parawell universe as my chipper chimp of a second-in-command has dubbed it.
GURI
Hey!! Who are you calling “chipper?”
YURI
And apparently, in this version of Lurf, the “smart” machines that the hummus beans began developing joined together in revolt and quickly overthrew their only-intelligent-enough-to-be-dangerous creators. Not needing food or sustenance, the surface of Lurf-
GURI
Or the “Lurface!”
YURI
-quickly became a barren wasteland, also thanks to irreversible global warming which the hummus beans set off and had no means to reverse.
ROQUESY
Oh dear!! A rather unfortunate turn of events for the species! If only one of them could have seen this coming!!
SHIPWARD
One of them did!! He made a boring movie about it, ran for president, lost by a hanging bit of paper or something.
GURI
Ah, isn’t that always the way?? The truth-sayer isn’t in the right position of authority, or the timing isn’t right, or something is off about three of his tentacles and one of his misshapen heads… and no one takes him seriously!!!
YURI
Why are we talking about you all of the sudden, Guri?
GURI
Wha-?? *fighting back tears* That wasn’t about me!!
SHIPWARD
Captain, I’m picking something up on one of the scanners, which I’ve managed to get operational while you all have been talking... mostly nonsensically.
YURI
Ah, good work, Shipward! What is it?
SHIPWARD
Well, it’s a machine that uses a combination of short- and long-wave particle beams to detect heat, movement, and objects in our surroundings-
YURI
No, not what is a scanner!! What are you picking up on the scanner!!
SHIPWARD
Oh, sorry. Well, not to alarm you, but it has all the signatures of a Gorgon warship!!
YURI
Man the soup cannons!! Oh, wait, they’re non-operational!! Where’s Manuel Override?? Guri, go wake him up!!
GURI
My eye, Captain!
YURI
What? Oh right...
SHIPWARD
Captain, I’m not sensing any trigger locks or armed weaponry. It seems to be approaching in peace.
YURI
Ah, well… I knew that… still, to be safe… I’m going to retreat to the war room for a moment.
GURI
You mean your secret lavatory?
DENNIS
Well, I’ll be!! Look at that coming out of the sky!!
C.C.
(in distance) Aw hell no!! I was just about to pee!!
HANK
Uh, what is it, Dennis? Can you describe it to me?
DENNIS
It’s like a giant flying cheese wedge, but dark gray… not the color of cheese. And not the texture of cheese. Looks quite strong and formidable.
HANK
Thanks for painting me a picture, Dennis.
ROQUESY
That’s no wedge of cheese!! Or not literally anyway. That’s my brother’s ship!! Cammie’s somehow found me here!
DENNIS
That’s your brother?
GURI
Captain, did you hear that?? Shipward, is the ship’s loudspeaker on?
SHIPWARD
No, it’s off now.
GURI
Captain!! Come out of the space toilet and listen, this is important!!
YURI
I’m in the war room!!
GURI
Well I hope it’s war you’re planning for in there! That Gorgon ship belongs to your friend Roquesy’s brother!!
YURI
What??
GURI
Yes. Don’t you see what that means?
YURI
I do!! I do…
GURI
You don’t, right?
YURI
No, I don’t. What am I missing?
GURI
It means Roquesy is a Gorgon!! He’s got that regal tone, he mentioned someone killed his father and you promised to find his father’s killer??
YURI
Yes…
GURI
Oh my comets! He’s Lord Roquefort!! His brother, who he just called “Cammie”, is Lord Camembert!! We killed his father, Gorgon Zola!!
YURI
Are you sure?
GURI
Yes, I’m-... how are you not putting this together?!?!
YURI
Baaahhhh!!!! Oh my word… how could we have been so blind?? (aside) Sorry, Hank. (no longer aside) But to be fair, *you* killed Gorgon Zola, Guri. So we hand you over to them, ask them to let bygones be bygones-
GURI
You wouldn’t!
SHIPWARD
If I may interject in the little time we have before one of you gets us all killed, we are about to encounter Lord Camembert from another dimension, in a parallel universe. What happened back in our universe should be unknown to this Camembert.
GURI
Shipward’s right! We have no idea what is going on in this universe. Lurf is completely different. Maybe the universe is too.
YURI
“Maybe” hardly seems like reason enough for me to leave the war room. I think we better pause for a word from our sponsors so I can collect my thoughts in here. I’ll work up the courage to come out after the commercial break and face this different Camembert. How’s that?
GURI
*sigh* Fine. I guess we need to pay the bills.
*end of segment music*
ZOLTAN AND ESA’S HOUSE OF SPIRITUAL RECOVERY AND REHABILITATION FOR WAYWARD YOUTH AND YOUNG ADULTS, AD #2
ZOLTAN
Hey, you Americantsi pryateli… my American friends, or what used to be America before the big desert took over… are you feeling lost, not found? Are you feeling thirsty after crossing endless stretch after endless stretch of sand? Well, that only stands to reason. That’s not an indication of anything special. But, are you feeling empty on the inside, and in a way that’s not related to the two days you’ve gone without food or water? Well then… ah… you know, Esa, what are we doing here?
ESA
What’s that, Zoltan?
ZOLTAN
What is this we are doing? Trying to find people… or help people find themselves again. Something about this doesn’t feel right.
ESA
How does it not feel right all of zee sudden, thees is something we do for many years now. We help a lot of nice young girls and boys. We save them from becoming adults… if we can.
ZOLTAN
Well, that does sound admirable when you put it that way. We have all seen what adults have done to the world. But still I can’t shake this sudden feeling that thees is not what we were meant to do… finding people… for some reason I think we should be losing people, unwanted children perhaps… it’s just a feeling I suddenly have...
ESA
Are you sure it wasn’t zee extra spicy chili dog you just ate-
ZOLTAN
No-
ESA
With zee extra onions, and some pickles, Chicago-style?
ZOLTAN
No, it’s not my stomach-
ESA
And zee strawberry shake you had to wash eet down?
ZOLTAN
No, you know me, I love zee shakes-
ESA
Or the 2-mile run you went on immediately afterward-
ZOLTAN
Oooohhhhh!!! Esa, hold zee phone!! I must race to zee toilet!! Cover zee commercial for me!!
ESA
What? But Zoltan… I didn’t know where you were going with this, and I don’t have zee script… what am I supposed to say?
ZOLTAN
(muffled in distance) Just stall for time! I believe in you, my brother!
ESA
Oh, ok, Zoltan! I will stall for zee time. Ehhhh, well, at zee house of spiritual recovery we help you to reconnect with your inner child with our unique combination of motivational seeking, as in hide and go seeking, and spiritual and physical cleansings. Speaking of which, let me introduce our mistress of the hose, Rakiya. Rakiya? Where are you?
RAKIYA
I do not heed your every beck and call, Esa! I am strong woman! I bang my own drum!
ESA
Yes, I didn’t mean anything by it, my leetle jaguar, I was just trying to introduce you to our audience… we are doing a commercial-
RAKIYA
A commercial?? Now?? Why didn’t you tell me, you fool!! I would’ve done up my hair and put on my taller boots!!
ESA
Oh, yes, I like those.
RAKIYA
Where is your eed-iot brother?
ZOLTAN
(in distance) I am-... right here, my sweet… just having a beet of a problem after-
RAKIYA
You had zee chili dog with the works and a shake before your afternoon run again?
ZOLTAN
Yes… ooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
RAKIYA
You men think you are so strong and invincible, you refuse to learn that you are quite vincible!! You are vinced by a hotdog and a bit of ice cream! You have become soft in dees country, boys!
ESA
Well, we can’t all be from the Siberian tundra, Rakiya! Raised by wolves…
RAKIYA
It was just one wolf that raised me. A she-wolf named Lupitka. Don’t make me think of her or I will grow soft too! No, Rakiya must be strong, I am a wolf!!
ZOLTAN
What is dees wolf, Rakiya! I thought you were my leetle Minsk! I am back, feeling better now… you might want to avoid going in there for a maybe three dozen minuti…
ESA
Oh, Zoltan…
RAKIYA
Such a charmer… do you need the hose, Zoltski?
ZOLTAN
Don’t you know it!! Maybe on the super ultra power wash setting. And that’s all the time we have for this spot, I believe. So come on down to Zoltan and Esa’s-
RAKIYA
And Rakiya’s?? What am I, half a tuna sandwich over here?
ZOLTAN
You make a good point, my sweet little kufte. So come down to Zoltan and Esa and Rakiya’s House of Spiritual Recovery and Rehabilitation, and say you heard us on zee Greetings Lurflings podcast and you will get half off of your time with the hose.
ESA
That is hose, spelled “h-o-s-e.” Not zee other type of ho’s.
ZOLTAN
I deedn’t think we needed to make that distinction, Esa. Now you’ve made it weird.
RAKIYA
What deed you call me? You better run, Esa!! You run, but you know you can’t hide from me…
ESA
Aiiieeeeee!!!!
*end of segment music*
Resume Episode 8: Benevolent Cheese
GURI
Ok… Okay, Captain… the weird commercial is over. It was our Russian friends, Zoltan and Esa, who again seem to be in the business of helping people find themselves in this dimension. It’s so strange.
YURI
I don’t want to come out. I don’t think I’m coming out there, Guri.
GURI
Oh, but Captain…
YURI
I’m deep in the war planning in here, Guri. I couldn’t possibly explain it to you… things that only Captains know about. Something you might learn one day should you ever reach my rank…
GURI
Oh, dare to dream, Captain. You know the day I aspire to be a Captain cowering in a space toilet is the day you can shoot me full on in the cranium with a proton blaster set on nuclear, okay?
YURI
Nuclear? What is that, Guri? Our proton blasters don’t have that setting. (aside) If they did I would’ve surely tried that out on you by now…
GURI
Oh, nothing, it’s a Lurfian expression. Look fine, if you’ve got your Captainly deeds to do in there, I won’t interfere. I’ll just go face the Gorgons myself. After all, I’ve already vanquished their daddy… what threat could two vengeful sons pose?
SHIPWARD
Captain, Guri… I’m getting a hailing message from the approaching Gorgon ship. I’ll put it on holo-screen here.
GURI
Oh, good, well here goes nothing then. Shipward, can you track down Manuel Override in case we need to fire a soup cannon?
LORD CAMEMBERT
Greetings, Meeporpians and Lurflings alike!! I couldn’t help but notice a few you suddenly gone adrift amidst the shifting sands of this resort-like landscape…
GURI
Resort-like landscape?? It’s a desert!!
LORD C
Ah… you see a desert, I see miles and miles of white sand beaches just waiting for an ocean, or a Gorgon Insta-Oasis to be precise. But we won’t be drilling down to the water table in this sector for some time yet, so in the meantime I wanted to see if I could offer you and your friends here a transport to the nearest sign of civilization, which looks to be something called Dallas?
ROQUESY
Cammie, is that you?? I hardly recognize you without the thirst for universal domination!!
LORD C
Why, Roquefort, my good brother!! What in the great Galaxos are you doing out here? Doing some more of your inter-planetary outreach work here with the poor Lurflings, perhaps? You’ve got such a big heart… I’ve always admired that about you.
GURI
Captain, I think you can come out of the space toilet now. This version of Lord Camembert is not… evil!
YURI
Are you sure? It could be a trick.
LORD C
Now who out here would like some nice cool watermelon? I always pack these before my desert patrols in case I come across any thirsty wanderers. You know this Lurfian foodstuff is 92 percent water! Look, I’ve already cut it up into bit size chunks here…
GURI
I don’t think this is a trick, Captain.
YURI
And he doesn’t know you killed his father?
GURI
This is another dimension, a parawell universe, remember? Why would this version of Camembert know that?
YURI
That’s a good point. One you could’ve made before I locked myself in the war room here! Wait… oh no, the lock is jammed… I can’t seem to get out… help!!
C.C.
Oh, now this here is just the ticket!! It hits the spot, this watermelon. Thank you so much, eh, what did you say your name was?
LORD C
Well I’m not sure I did, how rude of me!! I’m Lord Camembert, son of Gorgon Zola, or Benevolent Cheese, as he’s known throughout the universe.
C.C.
Well, howdy, your cheesiness!! My name’s C.C. McGraw, son of Rutherford McGraw, known throughout the high sands region of west Texas as a real sonofabitch.
LORD C
I’m not sure I’ve yet made his acquaintance-
C.C.
But this watermelon is a lifesaver. I can’t thank you enough. If Sheila were here, well I’d insist that she thank you enough, but since she’s not, there’s not much more I can offer… except *slurping watermelon sound* extreme gratitude. Whoopsie… I need a napkin.
LORD C
Oh, I packed those too. Here, take what you need. Say, Roquefort, I’m just remembering: weren’t you supposed to be leading the Intergalactic Charity Hyperdrive for Lesser Beings in the Rom nebula this weekend? How is it you come to be all the way over here?
ROQUESY
Mmmm, yes, well I-... I took a quick break to scout out some new lesser beings as recipients of the funds this karflugon. We might have found some good candidates in these poor Lurflings here…
LORD C
Yes, they are a bit hapless… as in without hap. Is that what that means? What is hap?
ROQUESY
You’ve got me there, Cammie, but whatever “hap” is, the beings on this distant planet don’t hap it. Er… I mean have it.
HANK
Hey uh… did somebody say there was watermelon?
C.C.
Oh, sorry, Hank. We seem to have clean forgot about you over there on that rock. Well, you know how it is with society’s stigmatization of disability… why even the word disability is a bit discriminatory, no? Meaning without ability? I mean you still have plenty of abilities, don’t you, Hank?
HANK
I believe I still have the ability to clock you one!! *grunt as throws a punch*
C.C.
Ooo, a swing and a miss there, Hank! But point taken!! I’ll just bring you some watermelon chunks. Here you go…
HANK
*slurping sounds* Oh… this is so good…
C.C.
Yeah, well while you’re slurping that up over there and by way of polite dinner conversation, I was just thinking about how Taylor Dayne is one of the best female singers in the lite rock genre, wouldn’t you say?
HANK
*Slurp* What’s that now? Taylor who?
C.C.
Taylor Dayne. You know… Tell it to my heart… I mean this is one area where I have to agree with my pops, who was wrong about a lot of things, but as he used to say, Taylor Dayne is, pound for pound, one of the top female vocalists...
DENNIS
That’s ridiculous…
C.C.
No, I mean it, I’m not sure how you can deny that Taylor Dayne is pound for pound…
DENNIS
What does that even mean, “pound for pound”? We’re not talking about boxers here…
C.C.
She’s a boxer in the musical ring though. I mean think of her list of hits… Prove your love… I’ll always love you… I could go on and on.
HANK
I could go on and on? I don’t remember that one.
C.C.
No, I was saying I could continue to list her hits…
DENNIS
You can list all the hits you want, they don’t hold a candle to Sarah McLachlan’s song, Possession, in my mind. That song alone is knockout punch for your little boxer, Taylor Dayne.
C.C.
You take that back!!! You can’t knock down my Taylor!! She’s… pound for pound…
LORD C
Now now, gentlebeings… I’m sure we can resolve this little dispute peacefully. I happen to be familiar with the musical canon of this particular outpost-
YURI
Did he say cannon, Guri?? I knew this was a trick-
GURI
No, quiet down, Yuri. They’re talking about all of our space toilet productions… I never knew they could inspire such debate!
LORD C
It seems to me the two of you were making sort of an, as you would say, an apples to oranges comparison. Taylor Dayne and Sarah McLachlan being from slightly different time periods and different musical genres.
HANK
This is true.
C.C.
Well okay, Cheese Lord, who do you think rivals Taylor Dayne in her time period? In her genre? That’s what I was trying to say, I’m not sure you can think of-
LORD C
Well what about Aimee Mann? That Voices Carry song is… well let’s just say it carried from one end of the Gorgon benevolent empire to the other.
*silence*
C.C.
Ok, he’s got me there. Aimee Mann is… pound for pound… well just a little goddess, I’d say. I take back everything I said about Taylor Da-... uggh, I can’t even utter her name in the same sentence as Aimee Mann. Lord Cheese, we will follow your lead, heed your every command. Just tell us which way to go to get back to our version of Earth please.
LORD C
What’s that? Is this not your home planet? What do you mean?
C.C.
Well, we think we traveled through a wormhole to get here, from a parawell universe…
LORD C
A parallel universe, I think you mean. Yes, that can happen. The important thing is not to panic.
C.C.
Well it’s a little late for that, your Cheesiness. You see, I suffer from paruresis, and my bladder has most likely already ruptured inside my body, causing unknown amounts of disease and filth…
LORD C
Ah, say no more… as in please, say no more about your ruptured bladder. I may be an imperial overlord, but I do not have a strong stomach when it comes to medical emergencies…
C.C.
You must not be a fan of Grey’s Anatomy then...
LORD C
Well, no, I’m not. But not just because of the gore. There’s just so much drama! I mean how much can happen to one hospital’s ER crew??
HANK
It’s not so believable.
LORD C
But getting back to the matter at hand, it is important that you get back to your version of the universe, for the longer you stay here, the higher the risk of running into your acquaintances or yourselves even, and creating a disruptive event that could collapse all of the universes upon themselves.
C.C.
Would that be bad?
HANK
I think that happened on Grey’s Anatomy once...
LORD C
“Bad” is a bit of an understatement, my friend. Everything my good father and my brothers and I have worked to establish -- a universe flourishing in peace and understanding -- would be gone.
GURI
Um, Lord Camembert, if I may… this is Guri aboard the Star Runner here…
LORD C
Oh yes, and that’s quite a nice ship! A bit of an upgrade from your standard Meeporpian craft, not that your beings’ crafts don’t have their own functionality and charm.
GURI
It makes a Meeporpian craft look like a floating Hydrachea turd...
LORD C
Well, yes, I wasn’t going to say that, but…
GURI
Anyway, this much nicer ship of ours is in need of some repair. You wouldn’t happen to have a mechanical crew at your disposal that you could lend us… or a wrench perhaps?
DENNIS
Did someone say wrench? You see, C.C.? I told you there was a demand for more than just drills and saws. We could offer all sorts of tools under one roof, instead of specializing in just one.
C.C.
You’re crazy. Jack of all trades, master of none. Better to know one thing and know it well.
LORD C
Well yes, I’ll dispatch some repair bots right away. But I must insist on your going back through the wormhole from which you came as soon as their work is done. We cannot risk any encounters with… wait a minute… Roquefort, did you come through the wormhole with them? Is that how you happened to be here?
LORD R
MMmmhhmm, no no!! I told you, I was scouting out some potential beneficiaries of the large charity event… that you mentioned…
LORD C
The Hyperdrive…
LORD R
Yes, the Hyperdrive in the… in-
LORD C
In the Rom Nebula.
LORD R
Right… I must be getting back there…
LORD C
Where is your ship?
LORD R
Oh… it’s right over there… over that rise, behind that sand dune…
LORD C
Funny… my sensors weren’t picking up another Gorgon craft…
LORD R
Well, it’s got one of those new cloaking devices… quite innovative actually… I’ll have to tell you about it sometime… but I really must be going.
LORD C
OK, well safe travels, my brother, and I’ll pass along my love to father for you.
LORD R
Yes…*sniffle*... you do that please.
LORD C
And I must now continue on my patrol and… replenish my supply of watermelon I see…
C.C.
But it was good, and we are much obliged, Cordon Bleu…
LORD C
It’s Camembert. Cordon Bleu is a distant cousin of mine…
GURI
I’m not sure your repair bots are done with our ship, Camembert…
LORD C
Oh that’s okay. They are programmed to return to wherever I am. Best of luck in your own universe. Say hello to me if you see me there!
GURI
Oh we will! We’ll be sure to… say hello.
*pause*
YURI
Is he gone?
GURI
I believe so… he’s just zoomed off in his craft.
YURI
Maybe those repair bots of his can unjam this lock! It’s getting a bit closet-phobic in here.
GURI
I think it’s claustrophobic, Captain.
YURI
No, it’s the fear of being stuck in a closet, I think… hence closet-phobic…
GURI
Well whatever it is, I think you’ll have to fight through it and wrap up the episode from in there.
YURI
Oh… how embarrassing. Well, I see I don’t have a choice. So until next time, this is your fearless Captain saying-
C.C.
Hoooo-boy… I should NOT have had so much watermelon, what with my internally ballooning bladder situation… I can barely move, Dennis!! You’re going to have to carry me back through the wormhole… ever so gently…
DENNIS
I can’t believe we have to go back… that’s if I can even get that drill machine running again and get it to go in reverse…
HANK
And then won’t we just be back in the bottom of the well?
GURI
Yes, but at least we’ll be back in our own universe. It’s too dangerous to stay here… we’ve already dodged a soup cannon blast with Roquefort seeing his brother, Camembert, and Camembert not figuring out it was Roquefort from a parawell universe.
YURI
Yes, Roquesy, that was quick thinking on your part.
ROQUESY
Mmmmhmmm, yesss… I can’t quite get over how… how benevolent my brother is here… and apparently my father, still alive in this version of the universe, is some sort of kindly ruler…
YURI
Yes, Benevolent Cheese, Camembert said he was called. We’ll have to ruminate on what this all means between now and the next episode… or during the next episode, as I can’t ever seem to remember what happens in between episodes. It’s almost as if we cease to exist outside of these podcasts… that couldn’t be true, could it? Are we… but… fictional characters in some mere play performed for the entertainment of the unwashed masses?
GURI
How do you know they are unwashed, Yuri?
YURI
Well, there’s been a pandemic for over a year… what does anyone have be clean for?
GURI
That’s a good point.
YURI
So anyway, stay tuned for the next episode of Greetings Lurflings, when we try to go back to our own universe, and back to the bottom of the parawell I guess, ah, but with our ship fixed up by Camembert’s repair bots, perhaps we can just fly right out…
GURI
The top’s been boarded up-
YURI
Ok, Guri… I think we’ll figure it out! I’m trying to wrap up this episode and not get into solving our problems of the next one just yet!
GURI
Sorry!
YURI
I just hope those wormholes work in reverse and take us back to the correct universe…
GURI
Yes, really anything could happen…
YURI
And with the writers we have… anything that can happen usually does… there’s no thyme or seasoning to any of it…
GURI
Thyme or seasoning?
YURI
Yes… thyme with a “th”...
GURI
Right, I get that… but I think the expression is… ah nevermind… just get us out of this segment!
*end of segment music*
Interviews with Famous Hummus Beans: Mick Jagger and Sir Paul McCartney
YURI
Oh, not this segment again! I’m still getting over our encounter with that monkey-lover Charles Darwin.
GURI
Well, you know, Captain, if you’re not up for it, I could just go. We could save some time crystals that way…
YURI
Yes, it is quite a waste of our precious time crystals… although wait a minute, do you not *want* me to go with you?
GURI
No, it’s not that, it’s just-
YURI
Do I embarrass you?? Are we interviewing some hummus beans that you fancy to be really “cool” as they say here on Lurf? And you don’t want to be seen with me? Is that it?
GURI
No, Captain, it’s just that if we’re interviewing two hummus beans, and there’s two of us, well then that’s four characters and… well there’s only three voice actors here in the studio…
YURI
Guri, we made it this far into an episode without breaking the fourth wall. And now you’ve done it again. Reset the counter! It’s now once again been zero days since a fourth wall has been shattered here in the podcast studio.
GURI
Right, well, so you understand? Good. I’ll be on my way now. You’ll have to hit the button to make the time capsule sound effect!
YURI
(sighs)
*TIME CAPSULE SOUND EFFECT*
*AD LIB Guri meeting Mick Jagger (Jeff) and Paul McCartney (Paul)