Season 2 Episode 7: Just Deserts

Opens to Rolling Stones “Let it Bleed” on piano

Yuri: Well, Guri, that sounded a little like honky tonk there… are you okay? Sounds a little different than what you usually produce…

Guri: Yeah, well this Oldsmobile 88, for all its charm, is not equipped with a space toilet… so I had to do my business outside the window with Shipward not looking.

Shipward: Who says I’m not looking?

Guri: Shipward!! I asked you not to look!!

Shipward: I’m not saying I am looking… I just never agreed not to. I don’t like any impingements upon my freedoms... ever since I’ve been freed from the ship’s server rooms, that is...

Yuri: Ah, that’s our Shipward for you, a docile and imprisoned computer technician for one dozen karflugons, and a freewheeling, loose cannon the next. Speaking of loose cannons, Shipward, I could really use you guys back on the ship to help me perform some repairs. It seems some of our soup cannons have come loose after that ignominious and undignified tumble down the parawell.

Guri: Well at least you were in the protective clutches of C.C. McGraw as you plummeted to the bottom. We, on the other hand, went careening off the Lurface at a far greater speed than this contraption is actually capable of, straight into the opening at the top of the parawell, and then bounced off the sides of the giant cavern maybe three dozen times on the way down!! And there are no instant bubble wraps inflating during high g-force situations in this Oldmobile like we have on our ship. My three heads became intimately acquainted with the numerous hard surfaces inside this death trap!!

Yuri: Wow, Guri, I’d reserve you some time with Nurse Boop if I weren’t furious with you for causing this disastrous turn of events in the first place! We had things perfectly and lucratively under control with the parawell plan until you and Shipward went ro-goo on me!!

Guri: Rogoo? What like the sauce made of tomatoes? What are you talking about?

Yuri: Rogu-oo… like when you don’t follow orders…

Shipward: I believe he is saying when we went “rogue”, Guri.

THEEND: Prolog-oo??

Guri: Oh no… here we go again with THEEND’s premature interjections.

THEEND: Who told you about that?? Me not premature. Me just happy to see you. Very happy.

Guri: Maybe you should see Nurse Boop about that… which is actually the character you are supposed to be right now!! Not Theend!!

THEEND: Me sorry. Me thought me heard mention of my friend, Prolog-oo. Me want to say hi.

Guri: Well, the Captain said Rogu-oo, not Prolog-oo. So maybe just listen for your cues, THEEND, okay? Let’s try that.

THEEND: Me understand. Meeporpian heroes not want me to steal show. It is your podcast… you have so little… you are so little… I should let you have this. Least THEEND can do.

Guri: Well we don’t want your sympathy, THEEND!! Oh, wait… we do. Captain!! Are you mining this?

Yuri: I would if I could, Guri… but I’m afraid our ship has suffered a bit more damage than some loose soup cannons. I can’t access any of our systems at the moment, much less mine for emotions. I’m afraid the strongly-held sentiment drive is non-operational!!

Guri: Are you telling me we’re trapped in this parawell? Oh the irony!! Well, we can’t say we don’t deserve this, Captain.

Yuri: We very well can say that, Guri. We can say we don’t deserve this. And we can mean it too! Why do we deserve this?

Guri: You don’t think we’ve gotten our just desserts here after we tried to prolong the Runyan’s stay at the bottom of the abandoned well while we mined the outpouring of hummus bean emotion?

Yuri: Just desserts? What are those? Oh I remember… like when Shipward only grabbed sweets and cookies from the old ship’s canteen before we were stranded on Lurf?

Guri: No, not those just desserts. That’s when we were desserted. No, it means we got what was coming to us. Karma.

Yuri: Ah, Karma… one of my favorite good-time girls on Fanshooey!

Guri: No, not that Karma!! But I know who you mean… she had the tattoo on her… but nevermind… Shipward, you know what I’m talking about right? Back me up here.

Shipward: I try not to get too emotionally involved in the morality or immorality of the mission. I try to just be a good soldier-

Guri: You know, Shipward, it’s funny you keep saying you don’t like to get too involved in our work here, but then you’re very quick to get emotionally involved with just about every appliance you come across.

Shipward: What can I say, I’m a romantic.

Yuri: If you two could stop your blabbering and make your way over to the ship, I could use some help assessing the situation here. And maybe check on our hummus bean friends, C.C. and crew, if you can. I’m not sure if they survived the fall. Perhaps that Narrator fellow… I can’t believe I’m actually asking for his help here… could tell us.

Narrator: At your service, sir! I’m always here, at your beck and call.

Yuri: Well that creeps me out. But since you’re here, perhaps you could tell us why the hummus beans just packed up and left after we rescued the Runyan, paying no mind to the fact that the heroes of the day -- meaning the Meeporpian masterminds and their buffoonish hummus bean friends -- had all just tumbled into the adjacent parawell.

Guri: I know… I think I heard them say they’d never forget us too! The words weren’t even out of their mouths before they forgot about us! Such fickle beings, these hummus beans.

Yuri: Yes, well I hope we mined that gratitude at least before our systems went down.

Narrator: Well, Yuri and Guri, I don’t know if I can answer all of your questions, but I can tell you that you are indeed in a tangled heap along with the currently unconscious sponsors of your show, C.C, Hank and Dennis, at the bottom of the parawell. And indeed, just about all of the crowd at the top of the well has dispersed with what look like just a few people left behind to tidy up. Actually, it looks like there’s a uniformed man at the top of the parawell now. Perhaps you could shout up to him and ask for help.

Yuri: Ah, okay then. Well… it looks like the ship’s loudspeakers might be stuck in the operating mode, so this could work. Hello, up there!! Can you hear me??

Uniformed Man: Wha-? Is someone down there?

Yuri: Yes!! Yes, we are!! The tiny aliens who rescued the boy. Plus a few of your hummus bean companions who were helping as well. Can you get us help? Can you alert the chief?

Uniformed Man: Well… I don’t know. I was just told to tidy up here and put these boards over these big holes in the ground so that no one else falls into them.

Yuri: No, don’t do that!! We’re still down here, and we need to get out that way! Ask the Chief, he’ll tell you...

Uniformed Man: Well… I don’t know... I just need to do what I was told. Sorry!

SOUND OF BANGING WITH HAMMER ON BOARDS

Yuri: Oh my comets… what a dullard!! What a thoughtless, no-brained-

Narrator: I’m sorry, that’s my fault. On a closer reading of the script here, I see that was an uninformed man… not a uniformed man.

Guri: Oh, way to go, Narrator! You know literacy is an important part of your job!

Narrator: Oh, wait, but now there really is a uniformed man at the top of the well. I can see him, it’s not a police uniform but it’s some position of authority I’m guessing-

Yuri: Hello!! Excuse me… yes, you in the uniform!! Please save us before that other fellow traps us in here!!

Uniformed Man #2: I’m hearing voices. Do you hear voices, Bill? What? Someone’s calling from down the well here? They want us to stop this operation of closing up the wells? Well, we can’t just decide to do that ourselves. We’d be jeopardizing the lives of all of us up here who might stumble into one of these deathtraps… just to possibly save what might be actual people in danger down there… no… I don’t think that’s worth the risk. Keep doing what you’re doing, Bill.

MORE HAMMERING

Narrator: Ahem… well, so that uniformed man turned out to be uninformed as well. Sorry about that...

Guri: Curse these writers and their silly wordplay!

Yuri: sigh I’m… surrounded by idiots.

Narrator: And I’m sorry about that, Yuri, I truly am. But welcome everyone to another episode of Greetings Earthlings, the podcast of the stars, and currently of Lurf’s newest minor celebrities, Yuri and Guri, who managed to save a boy in a well from the dinner table of Farit and his family. And actually, it appears Farit has just come back to the scene here and looks furious. And now he’s scampering about the boards nearly covering up the top of the parawell...

Yuri: Farit!! Our old pal!! Help us, we are down here!!

Guri: Oh thank goodness, some intelligent life. Farit!! You must help us!!

Farit: Oh must I now? Who just stole a delicious meal from me and my family? I lured the boy into the well just as planned. Then I leave to go get my family, and what do I see when I get back after having promised my little ones they’d be dining on the toes of a human child for dinner? I see a media circus!!

Guri: Oo, a flea circus? We just heard about those last episode.

Farit: No, a media circus. And we can’t get anywhere near the place! The kids burst into tears. The wife just shakes her head at me like when I come back from the garden with some inferior produce. I’m trying to be a provider here, and it just never works!! It’s no wonder I just take off into space every other moon or so!

Yuri: I’m sorry we made you look bad in front of your family, Farit. But surely you don’t want to bury your old gambling companions in an abandoned parawell…

Farit: No, that sounds exactly like what I want to do. Goodbye, you Meep-losers! Catch you in another dimension!

MORE HAMMERING SOUNDS

Guri: Well there goes the light. At least it’s not as muddy at the bottom of this well, right, Shipward?

Shipward: Well, we’re not as deep.

Guri: Oh that makes sense. Say, the hummus bean’s primitive drill machine is right here. Maybe we can use that to tunnel our way out of here.

Yuri: Yes, because of course the ship’s laser drill is offline as well. If only we had someone who could operate the giant machine down here… some sort of drill expert…

Dennis: Mmmphhh… I’m awake. Did someone say drill expert??

Guri: Oh, Captain, one of the hummus beans is alive. He’s not one with a communicator so you’ll have to keep using the ship’s loudspeaker.

Yuri: Denise, can you hear us? It’s Captain Yurishi Botswana of the Meeporpian Royal Navy. We saved your nephew.

Dennis: First of all, it’s Dennis, not Denise.

Yuri: That’s what I said! I said Dennis, did I not?

Dennis: I was only semi-conscious, but I thought you called me Denise.

Guri: You said Denise, Captain.

Yuri: You’re not helping, Guri!

Dennis: And there’s no need for introductions… I was helping to save my nephew along with you before the next thing I know we’re tumbling backwards into a giant hole in the ground that only C.C. could lead us directly into. I’ve half a mind to make sure that he never wakes up!

Yuri: Well let’s not start right off by murdering each other in this time of crisis. There will be plenty of time for that later.

Guri: I really hope we can avoid murdering each other completely, Captain! That’s an expectation I would try to set right away… set a positive tone, like, “We’re all in this together, and together we can get ourselves out of it”… you know, as our leader.

Yuri: Oh I’m sorry, Guri, the mutinous one… the one who took it upon himself to free the Runyan with a very risky plan that wound up putting all six of us down at the bottom of this well. You saved one, and lost six, Guri!! That’s a minus five on your leadership stat sheet!! Who here would like us to follow Guri’s leadership now??

Guri: Now that’s not fair!!

Dennis: Look, I don’t care which of you microscopic twerps thinks you’re in charge. If you need someone to get this giant drill working, I’m your man. And then maybe we can drill our way out of here. But first, let me check on my friend here. Hank? Hank?

Hank: Ohh… my back!! Did C.C. lead us right back into that other giant hole they were digging?

Guri: Yes he did. Right into the parawell, as we’ve been calling it.

Hank: Well I’ll just call it a pain in my backside. Why, we could’ve died falling backwards like that! I would think about strangling C.C. myself if I weren’t opposed to violence.

Guri: Well now, perhaps we shouldn’t blame him, gentlemen, if his heart was in the right place. He was trying to save the Runyan after all. Sometimes there are good reasons to disobey orders or to lead one’s friends to fall headlong into a pit.

Hank: Sounds like you’re feeling guilty yourself there, Gurishi.

Dennis: Yeah, you disobeyed the orders of your commanding officer. That’s not something we ever would’ve stood for back in Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Yuri: Ah, finally, thank you, Denise! Someone who understands and respects the chain of command. Did you see any combat during your service?

Dennis: Well honestly there wasn’t a whole lot of combat to be had. I suppose there was for the advance scouts, and the tank division and the infantry, but where I was in the mechanics corps, aside from the occasional scuffle over the care packages from home, there was not a lot of combat, no.

Yuri: Yes, well sometimes the war is actually won well behind the front lines, by the brilliant minds and able technicians who plan for and facilitate the victory…

Guri: Yes, and sometimes battles are won… or lost… very, very far behind the front lines and away from the action, hiding in a secret lavatory…

Yuri: Let’s not bring up Battle Log 1300 again, Guri!!

Dennis: I spent a lot of time drilling through clumps of sand clogging the tailpipes of our Jeeps and Humvees. That’s where I became a drill expert.

Yuri: Oh, were you a drill sergeant? Sorry, just a bit of military humor.

Dennis: We don’t joke about our ranks, Captain.

Yuri: Right, of course. Ah, but surely it felt great to be part of such an important cause. Operation Iraqi Freedom sounds important anyway. Who is Iraqi? And did you free him?

Dennis: To be honest, at the end of the day, I don’t know what we accomplished. It was a whole lot of hullabaloo and I guess a show of force, primarily, after our country had been attacked by terrorists.

C.C.: Yes, we were sort of like a blindfolded child swinging wildly at a pinata…

Yuri: Oh, C.C., you’re alive? That’s good news… I think.

Dennis: C.C., how could you not have looked where you were going before you led us all tumbling down this well?? It’s a wonder one of us is not seriously injured.

C.C.: Well, yes, someone must be looking down and taking care of us.

Hank: Well a whole bunch of people were looking down on us a few minutes ago, but then they just closed up the well… decidedly NOT caring about us.

C.C.: Well that’s just public sentiment 101, boys… and aliens. I mean everyone knows a tragedy with just one person in danger -- especially a young person with so much life ahead of him -- generates a lot more sympathy than a group of people, especially older people, in jeopardy. People relate more to an individual in trouble, they more readily put themselves in that person’s shoes. Whereas a group of people in danger seems more abstract.

Shipward: C.C., you must be referring to a study by Paul Slovic, which found that people were more upset by a tragic story about a single person than a tragic story about many. It’s a peculiarity of the human brain, it seems, in that people on Lurf are slightly number sensitive, but in the wrong direction—they care more about one person in danger than about many people in the same situation.

Yuri: Yet another example of where being surrounded by idiots is ruining my existence!

Dennis: Yeah, well maybe this idiot will get you out of here, Yuri. I think I can get this giant drill working, so which way you want to go?

Yuri: Ah, excellent! Well, we can’t go directly up as there is nothing to drill through. So I guess we could pick a side and then start angling upward until we reach the Lurface- I mean the surface. I can’t believe I said that!

Guri: It’s catchy, you have to admit it! I’m on a real roll here, naming the Lurface, the parawell…

Yuri: Perhaps you can name the space rats you share a cell with when I report your insubordination to Meeporpian High Command!!

Guri: Write me up if you must, Captain!! I will sleep well at night knowing we saved a young Lurfling from imminent danger.

Dennis: Now which way was the abandoned well from here? We don’t want to dig upward only to fall even deeper into the bottom of that well.

Yuri: That’s an excellent point, Dennis. Which way is the other well?

Guri: So we fell backwards backing away from that well. And we landed here facing this way, although we tumbled and got turned around quite a bit on the way down. So it could be that way, or that one…

Yuri: Well, which is it?

Guri: Well it’s difficult to tell, which way the other well is…

Yuri: A bunch of well whichers, I see.

Guri: Shipward, do we have any radar or any other Xray sensors on the ship that are operational?

Shipward: Shipweena seems to be down for the count, at the moment… and I’m not even to blame this time.

C.C.: Did somebody say Xray? I just happen to have my Xray specs here in my coat pocket. I never leave home without them. Helps me with my selection of lady friends if you know what I mean- oh shoot!!! What time is it?? I just realized I’m gonna miss my date with Montana!!

Hank: Is that what you’re most worried about at the moment, C.C.? Have you even tried to move yet? It looks like the lower part of your leg is trapped underneath that pile of boulders.

C.C.: Hold on, Hank, can’t you see I’m trying to help the Captain here with my Xray specs? I’m trying to peer through the walls of the well here… see if I can spot that other well…

Dennis: Well? What do you see?

C.C.: I can’t see very well to begin with-

Yuri: What does he mean, he can’t see well? He’s in a well! How could he not see it?

Shipward: It’s a different “well” Captain…

Captain: Oh, well that’s the one we’re looking for then!

Shipward: No, when he says “well” in that context it means he can’t see effectively.

C.C.: -and it’s dark down here, so that’s not helping… nope, I can’t see nothing. These specs haven’t ever really worked honestly. I think I got ripped off at the magic shop.

Hank: Is that the magic shop downtown there?

C.C.: Yeah, it’s called Now You See It… Now You Don’t, right next to the House of Pickles, and I believe the shop name is referring to your money, when you go in there and buy some sort of cheap trick.

Hank: So really the entire shop is a good trick though… making your money disappear. That’s very clever.

C.C.: Hey now, why can’t I move my leg?

Hank: Well, like I was trying to tell you before… looks like as we hit the sides on our way down we might have knocked some boulders loose, and they seem to be piled up on your leg there.

C.C.: Of all the darnedest luck!! Well good thing is I always travel with a set of s, including a nice little bone saw here…

Dennis: Oh, sweet Lord, let’s not jump right to you cutting your own leg off, C.C.!! Maybe Hank and I will be able to move those big rocks off of you.

C.C.: Well sure, you can try, but if it comes down to it, this saw will make a very clean cut and minimize the chance of post-surgical infection. I would very much appreciate some sort of anesthetic though. Hank, maybe a sip from your flask?

Dennis: Hank, help me try to move this big one here!

Hank: Oh okay… uh… on three maybe, we’ll try to give it a push.

Dennis: One… two…

C.C.: Now hold on there, gents. Careful you don’t push it that way onto my other leg.

Hank: Oh uh… that’s a good point. Dennis, why don’t we try to step over here and push it that-a-way-

C.C.: Oww!! Jeezums crow, Hank, you almost stepped on my crotch!! That’s a region I care for dearly… as do many of my lady friends.

Hank: I’m sorry, it’s dark down here, I can’t quite see where I’m putting my feet.

Dennis: Ok, now one… two… three!! Hrrrmmmmmgggggfffffffff!!!

Hank: Are we supposed to be pushing now?

Dennis: Ah crapsicles, Hank!! I said push on three!

Hank: That was half a page ago in the script… I forgot.

Guri: Ah, Captain, I see now the sponsor characters are breaking the fourth wall. Talking about flouting convention.

Yuri: Oh, is the flouting convention in town? I’ll have to stop by, if I can get a pass. Listen to me… why would I need a pass for the flouting convention?

Guri: You wouldn’t.

Dennis: Are you ready this time, Hank? On three… one… two… three!!

Hank and Dennis grunting

C.C.: Owww!! Ow!! Ow!! No, that’s just making it hurt more, boys!! It’s no use!! Go on without me!! I need a little time to say goodbye to my right leg below the knee.

Hank: You always did have a flair for the dramatic, C.C.

Dennis: Wait, what am I thinking? We have a piece of heavy equipment right here in the tunnel drill. Before we try to drill our way out of here we can nudge that boulder off your leg.

C.C.: Now you wouldn’t just be wanting to get back at me for pulling us all down here, would you, Dennis? I could see you motoring that giant drill right through me, and if that’s your plan I beg you to let me proceed instead with my plan with the bone saw.

Dennis: I’m angry with you, C.C., but not murderously so.

Yuri: Oh good, well perhaps, gentlemen, we can get this show on the toad, as they say here on Lurf.

Guri: Yes, fire up the tunnel drill, Dennis, and lead us out of the darkness here!! I long for a return to the Lurface.

Dennis: Ok, well everyone climb on the drill here. Hank, you’ve got the spaceship and the toy oldsmobile?

Hank: Yep, they’re right here.

(Paul) Drill starting sound, like a motor

Dennis: Ok, here we go… now first let’s just nudge that boulder off of C.C…

C.C.: Goodbye lower leg! It’s been nice stomping around with you all these years… but all good things must end-

DRILL SOUND

C.C.: WHOA!!! Ho-boy!! Well look at that!! The drill pushed the boulder right off my leg!! I’m free!!

Yuri: We’re so happy for you, C.C… most of us did not want to leave you behind!

C.C.: What’s that now? Most of you? Who-

Dennis: Hop on the drill here, C.C.!

C.C.: Well “hop” is the right word, as my right leg is quite asleep… in a deep slumber! I can’t move it or put any weight on it just yet. Ok, I’m hopping aboard. Vaminos, Dennis!

Dennis: Ok, here we go.

DRILL SOUNDS

Yuri: Set a course for the Lurface, Dennis! Six degrees to the right, 12 degrees upward, forward three knots-

Guri: Dennis can’t hear you, Captain. I think he’s actually navigating himself. He’s sort of the Captain of the drill.

Yuri: Captain of the drill? But the ship is aboard the drill and I’m the Captain of this ship! So by extension, I’m the captain of the drill… which is really just an extension of the ship at the mom-

Dennis: Hang on, compadres!! We’re going in!!

DRILL GRINDING SOUND

C.C.: Holy wormholes, I feel like a worm… traveling through… a worm hole.

Yuri: Did he say wormholes?! I knew it!! I had a bad feeling about this parawell!! Shipward, check the space-time continuity meter…

Shipward: I think he’s talking about a worm, Captain, a Lurfian creature that tunnels through dirt-

Guri: No, Shipward, look… the Captain may be right for once!

Shipward: Oh… yes, the readings are all over the place, Captain. I stand corrected. We may very well be traveling through some sort of wormhole.

Yuri: What next?? Why can’t we catch a break on this 13th mission of ours??

Guri: Well I think you’ve answered your own question, Captain. I warned you about this before we started our 13th episode of the podcast… but NooooOOOOOOO!! You had to go ahead with it!!

Yuri: I don’t want to hear about your silly superstitions now, Guri. I need to retreat to the Captain’s drawing room and gather my thoughts.

Guri: Do you mean your secret lavatory?

Yuri: No, I don’t mean-... okay, yes.

Shipward: Oh that’s too bad. I was picturing a Captain’s drawing room with giant rolls of white paper and crayons, like at those restaurants where you can draw on the table…

Guri: Oh, I like those places, although sometimes the crayons break really easily, and-

Yuri: Look, just stop your babbling, you two, and let me go do some serious thinking while we pause for a word from our sponsors… not the sponsors on the drill but, I’m guessing, some other sponsors… we’ll see who it is soon enough I guess… we’ll be back after this.

end of segment music

ZOLTAN AND ESA’s SPIRITUAL RECOVERY AND RECONCILIATION CENTER FOR WAYWARD YOUTH AND YOUNG ADULTS

Zoltan: Are you feeling lost, not found? Do you get most of your clothes from zee lost and found? Are you under 25 years old? Then look no further than Zoltan and Esa’s Center for Spiritual Recovery and Reconciliation for Wayward Youth and Young Adults, where what was once lost is soon to be found. Perhaps you are zee parent, worried about your teenage daughter, with part of zee head shaved, and zee tattoos and piercings and every other word out of her mouth is zee shit and zee mother fudger-

Esa: And she must be under 25 years old-

Zoltan: Yes, I said that already, Esa. Pay attention…

Esa: I know I heard, but it bears repeating, as we will turn away any old spinster who is 26 or even 25 and two days old… that is 3 days too old for our establishment.

Zoltan: So if she -- and I say she, but we help zee lost boys too, but let’s say it is a she in this example -- if she is dropped off when she is 24 years and 364 days old and she begins zee treatment then, we will keep her in zee program, even if she will very soon be 25? It’s a three week program, Esa.

Esa: Dees is a good point, Zoltan. You are not completely stupid. So really she must be no older than 24 years and 49 weeks, so that she can finish zee program before she is 25.

Zoltan: I see. What if she is 24 years and 50 weeks old… but exceedingly beautiful?

Esa: What does beauty have to do with it, brother? Here you are thinking with your Solzenitzyn again. No, it is related to what happens to zee human brain at the age of 25. The spiritual pathways to your soul that are once open suddenly close. We can no longer gain entry, through any orifice. And believe you me, we have tried.

Zoltan: Ahh, my good brother, your mention of orifices reminds me, that this week only we are having a buy one, get the second one free special on spiritual cleansings!! Meet Rakiya, our Mistress of the Hose!!

Rakiya (Jeff): Hello, boys! Prepare to be cleansed!! Zee hose has many different settings, by adjusting the nozzle like so… from zee light sprinkle to zee power blast! Simply obey my every command and you will discover new feelings you never knew exeested in dees life.

Esa: (aside to Rakiya) In dees life or zee next, right, my Babushka??

Zoltan: Oh, just wait until you meet our leetle Minsk!! After zee initial shock to your system your tears for fears will soon turn to tears of joy. Wait, Esa… did you just call her your Babushka? Since when ees this? Rakiya?! How could you??

Rakiya: I march to zee beat of many drummers, Zoltan. You cannot tame zee Rakiya!

Esa: Except for when I pick up zee chair, right, my leetle lioness??

Rakiya: Roowwwwwrrrr!!

Zoltan: Oh zee goodness!! Now I am quite distracted from zee commercial now, as I see my brother approaching my leetle Minsk like zee lion tamer, and she is responding in kind, with a wild swipe of her claw… and a menacing prowl… I… not enjoying dees show… well anyway… come on down to Zoltan and Esa’s Center for zee Spiritual Recovery of Wayward Youth and Young Lions… or whatever it is… Acch, we must be sorting thees out by then… I cannot lose my Rakiya...

Esa: Down, Lioness!!

Rakiya: Rowwwwwrrrrr!!!!

end of segment music

Guri: Well, that was strange. Don’t those sponsors usually specialize in losing people’s children in their bottomless ball pit? They are doing something new and quite different now…

Yuri: Yes, they seem to be doing just about the opposite of what they were doing before… it’s almost as if we’ve entered some sort of alternate-

Dennis: We’re cruising now!! I think we should be approaching the surface soon!! Hank, dump a little water from your bottle into the radiator here, I don’t want her to overheat!

Hank: Oh uh… okay, but I don’t have much left… and it’s not water…

Dennis: It’s not what? Well then maybe don’t pour-

Explosion sound

Dennis: Whoa, stop, Hank, stop pouring!! Did you see that fireball??

Hank: Is that what that was?? I just saw a bright flash, and now everything’s dark again… and I smell burnt hair…

Dennis: Yeah, you don’t have any eyebrows left, Hank, I’m guessing. I can tell you for sure when we emerge into the light here. The drill has stopped working for the moment, thanks to your addition of fire to an overheated engine!

Hank: Well, uh, you told me to-

Guri: What is going on out there? Why have we stopped moving?

Shipward: Our hummus bean friends seem to have overheated their primitive engine.

Guri: Oh, for the love of neutrinos! Why can’t we catch a break-

Dennis: I think we’re very close to the surface though… I can see some light poking through the dirt up ahead. Come on, boys, and help me dig.

C.C.: I’m right behind you, Dennis. Bum leg and all. At least both arms still work, and I can tunnel like a badger!!

Hank: I’m not sure badgers tunnel, C.C… you might be thinking of a mole.

C.C.: Badgers tunnel!! I think they do… let’s check with that walking ship’s computer with our alien friends there. Yuri? Guri? Can you ask that Shipward fellow if badgers tunnel.

Yuri: Well it hardly seems worth interrupting the story-

C.C.: I want to know, and I’m sure your listeners do too, Captain!

Yuri: Fine… fine! Shipward, can you-

Shipward: I’ve already looked it up in my memory banks, Captain. Badgers are Lurfian creatures with strong limbs and sharp cl that help them dig burrows and find food underground. They make their homes by digging tunnels and caves. A badger's home is called a sett.

C.C.: Ya hear that? That’s game, sett, and match, Hank!! Set with two “t”’s there…

Hank: Well I crouch corrected. I can’t stand corrected at the moment...

Dennis: Well stop your jabbering back there and help me dig, and we’ll be standing on the surface soon enough. I think I see some light but… spitting out sand... the ground keeps pouring in here a bit as I dig.

C.C.: Yeah, what is this, sand?

Hank: I still can’t see anything… but it sure feels like sand.

Dennis: It tastes like sand. Here help me right here… if we make a push-

C.C.: Aw, I think I got sand down my shirt and down my pants now… I hate that!!

Dennis: Here, let’s crawl on up… hold on to each other…

C.C.: Hank, grab my dead leg… I can’t feel a thing, so you can tug all you want…

Hank: Whoa! Ok, I’m holding on!

C.C.: I see the light!! We’re just about there!!

Hank: It’s still dark for me...

Dennis: We’re there, boys!! I don’t know where there is… but we’re there!

C.C.: Yeah… what the-... where are we?

Yuri: C.C., Hank, come in!! What’s the status report?

C.C.: Well, Captain, I don’t know if we took a wrong turn at Albequerque or what, but we seem to be surrounded by sand. It’s just deserts up here!!

Yuri: Wrong turn at Albequerque? What is he talking about-

Shipward: That’s a reference to a primitive form of entertainment here on Lurf called Looney Tunes. It was a common line from-

Yuri: And did he say “just desserts”? Did we start this journey only equipped with sweets and delectables again?? Check the canteen!!

Shipward: He said “Just deserts” as in a dry, barren landscape, not “desserts”... last time I checked the canteen was fully stocked with all the usual items for a three-course meal...

Yuri: All right, Shipward, nevermind that and see what you can pick up on the scanners.

Shipward: The ship’s systems are still offline, so-...

Guri: Captain, if I could rescue you from your futile line of questioning and perhaps be of some assistance: remember we thought we were traveling through a wormhole earlier, and then that commercial from Zoltan and Esa sounded quite different than usual… is it possible that in tunneling out of the parawell we’ve entered into some sort of-

Yuri: That’s it! I’ve got it! We’ve entered some sort of parawell universe!!

Shipward: Um, Captain, I believe you mean a parallel universe. With two L’s… or three actually.

Yuri: That’s what I said! A parawell universe…

Shipward: Well… okay, it’s just sounds like you’re saying-

Yuri: Look I have a hard time pronouncing my L’s, okay? I always have!

Guri: Well, the name makes sense, actually, Shipward. Since we accessed this alternate universe from the parawell… we can call it a parawell universe, no?

Shipward: Duly noted. I’ll update my lexicon.

Yuri: We could be in great danger! Especially if we come across ourselves in this other dimension. I better warn our dim-witted friends, as they will have no idea what to do in such a situation. Hank and C.C… and Dennis, you can still hear me?

Dennis: We can all hear you. Your ship’s loudspeaker is still on.

Yuri: Oh-... I-

C.C.: And I do not appreciate being called dim-witted, Captain! Emotionally stunted, yes. Pathologically untruthful and unfaithful, sure! Frequently perplexed and inevitably undone by even the most common social norms, this is all true. But dim-witted is off the mark!! Why I’ve managed to run a thriving saw business surviving on wits alone!! Wits and some dumb luck when the whirring and flying saw blades have missed all my vital organs during the many workplace accidents we’ve had over the years.

Hank: Yeah… and who are you calling wim-ditted, when uh-... well who else you know can keep a black hole in a box?

Guri: Oo, he’s got you there, Captain.

Yuri: Ok, look, I apologize-

Dennis: And who are you calling dim-witted -- the drill operator who just saved your butt from the bottom of a well?

Guri: We don’t have any butts, actually.

Dennis: Say, but where are we? I don’t see either well nearby… nothing but sand. Why does this place look nothing like the place we left?

C.C.: Beats me, Dennis! Why don’t you ask this little desert rat over here?

Dennis: What? Oh look at that little fella!! Doesn’t seem to be afraid of people… look at his little whiskers move.

Yuri: Did you say desert rat, C.C.? Guri, can you see what he’s talking about by looking out our ship’s win-dow??

Guri: Well let me see-... let me throw up the blinds here… oh, Captain! I think it’s… yes, it’s Farit!!

Yuri: Farit?!

Guri: I mean he’s dressed differently, not in his gambling tuxedo, more of a nomadic garb, but yes, I think that’s him!

Yuri: C.C., bring our ship close to the little Lurfian creature!! We think that is our friend, Farit.

C.C.: Oh, what’s that, Yuri? You know this little fella? Well sure, I’ll bring you over. Hank, hand me the ship… oh, Hank, what happened to your eyebrows?

Hank: I don’t want to talk about it… although I do want to talk about the fact that I still can’t see anything. Are we out of the well?

C.C.: You’re not missing anything, Hank. Just sand as far as the eye… well, I mean, as far as our eyes can see. Why don’t you just sit down on this big flat rock here, and hand me the spaceship… the little guys want to talk to their friend. Ok… here you go, Captain. You’re in front of the desert rat now.

Farit: I am a ferret, you fool!

C.C.: Oo, he’s chirping away it seems...

Yuri: Farit!! Can you hear me!

Farit: What’s that? Yuri and Guri?? How did you get here??

Yuri: Well it’s a long story… I’m not sure we have time-

Guri: We fell into a parawell, and in trying to get out we possibly traveled through a wormhole and into what we’re guessing is a parawell universe here.

Yuri: Ok, so not such a long story… that’s the gist of it anyway.

Farit: Uh-huh. Yeah, that’s happened to me many times. It’s kind of fun the first few times until you realize you can’t ever escape the fl in your personality.

Yuri: You can’t? Are you sure??

Farit: Believe me… I’ve tried.

Guri: So what happened here, Farit? Why is Lurf such a wasteland in this dimension?

Farit: Well it all started with the self-driving cars. They would cause these massive traffic jams when they’d all try to pile into the few remaining drive-in movie theaters. Then the cars decided to team up with the self-cleaning ovens…

Yuri: Oh, that’s so like the hummus beans, isn’t it, with their little forays into technology? They are always so eager to show each other what they can do… they rarely ever stop to think if it’s something they should do.

Guri: Yes, their juvenile struggles with foresight and inability to act for the greater good and for future generations is almost amusing if it wasn’t so tragic.

Yuri: Nothing in this remote corner of the universe rises to the level of tragic, Guri! A real tragedy would be two hyper-intelligent and handsome Meeporpians such as ourselves stuck in a parawell universe.

Guri: Oh, I don’t know, Yuri. These hummus beans have some flashes of promise. Some significant ones really.

Yuri: Well, I would need to be convinced. And it does seem like we have a new segment that might help convince me here at the end of the podcast… oh, are we doing this again? Just suspending the story, putting the plot on hold as it were, to debut some silly new feature? I never understood this with our early episodes, and I still do not-...

Shipward: Captain, this just came in for you.

Yuri: What? What’s this now? I’m being handed a strongly-worded embroidery here that says essentially, “Wrap it up. Send it to next segment.” Well, fine. What do I care? I just work here, apparently. So tune in to the next episode to see what happens with our cliffhanger situation here on the other side of a wormhole… and now the silly music will play and somehow we’ll just ignore our current predicament and engage in something completely different… I mean, Guri, I just don’t get it…

end of segment music

New regular segment: YURI AND GURI TRAVEL THRU TIME TO INTERVIEW FAMOUS HUMMUS BEANS

They use some precious time crystals to try to determine the true value of human civilization by interviewing the most influential figures in human history

Yuri and Guri interview Charles Darwin (Jeff) - ad lib about some of the stuff below, but also re: Charles’ love of soda, and of his wife, who turns out to be a monkey...

they learn that his first scientific explorations were of the human digestive system… leading to his lesser known first work, Origin of the Feces. First scientist to measure the distance of the short intestine… some confusion over the “short” intestine being the longer one compared to the “long intestine”. They had already named the long intestine thinking that was the long one, so the name was taken once they realized the short intestine was longer.

It looks like you started out by studying marine invertebrates. What are those, spineless sailors?

Survival of the fittest… is that about being the best dressed? Is good tailoring -- a well-tailored suit -- the secret to survival?

You believe all species of life descended from common ancestors (much laughter), while perhaps that could be true on your primitive planet, surely you wouldn’t apply your theory to the entire universe, would you?

You claimed to discover many different species… what do you say to your critics who referred to your claims as specious?

You made a famous voyage on the HMS Beagle? I knew dogs could swim, but… and what did the “HMS” stand for? Her Majesty’s Science? His Minor Success? Ham, Mustard and Sauerkraut?

In 1871 he examined human evolution and sexual selection in _The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex_, followed by _The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals_ (1872). His research on plants was published in a series of books, and in his final book, _The Formation of Vegetable Mould, through the Actions of Worms_ (1881), he examined earthworms and their effect on soil.

Galapagos Islands… Galapogoo… Epilogoo? THEEND appears to see his old friend