Episode 12: Naked and Afraid

Scene opens with Eric playing acoustic version of Skid Row’s 18 and Life…

YURI

Are you almost done in there, Guri?

GURI

What? Oh yes, sorry, I’m monopolizing the hole behind the bush besides the large rock that we now call our toilet. Sorry, I was onto something there I think… maybe I’ll call it glam rock… as I seemed to have gotten some on the side of the rock there…

YURI

Yes, this is so humiliating. Forced to do our business in a hole in the ground here.

GURI

Oh, I don’t know, Captain. Honestly I’m kind of enjoying this sudden return to a natural environment, as it were… granted not our natural environment which has a lot more gas and crystals and trees providing for our every want and need… but still a natural environment nonetheless… so much more stimulating than the sterile confines of our ship.

YURI

Speak for yourself, Guri. Personally I much prefer our vacuum toilets and the countless amenities made possible by our superior technology… waking up to a frothy cappuccino infusion, learning the latest news and gossip with one or two illuminating pulses from the Readit Ray to the frontal lobe, having a sentient Ships’ computer at our beck and call…

GURI

Well, we do still have Shipward.

YURI

Yes, Guri, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that… I’m not sure how I feel about Shipward now that I know he wasn’t actually a programmed AI personality but rather more of a glorified computer mechanic captured from the planet of Toshiba and imprisoned in our server room.

GURI

What’s the problem? He servered… uh, I mean served us well, did he not?

YURI

You seem to forget how many times I had to repeat simple commands. How often he withheld key information at critical moments. How he didn’t even try to mask his insubordination. It was one thing when I thought it was just snarky, over-sugared, over-caffeinated AI programmers to blame… but now that I know this was Shipward’s own doing, well that’s another thing altogether… something I’m afraid I cannot countenance.

GURI

What are you proposing, Captain? The punishment for mutiny is quite stiff, if I remember correctly…

YURI

Death by firing squad. Unfortunately we lost our soup cannon with the ship and my proton blaster’s maximum setting will only decimate his frontal lobe, leaving him quite alive and the rough equivalent of one of this planet’s hummus beans.

GURI That’s not punishment enough?

YURI

Besides, I’m loath to rid ourselves of one of our expendable resources. Who knows what sort of scrapes we will encounter here on Lurf before we devise our way off of this forsaken rock? As any good general knows, one cannot have too much cannon fodder.

GURI

That’s heartwarming, Captain, and I dare not ask where you draw the line at cannon fodder versus an indispensable member of your crew…

YURI

But here we are, prattling on about matters of little consequence when I haven’t even welcomed our listeners to another episode of… oh, how can I even pretend to keep up this charade??? How can we continue to laugh and point at this little backwater of the universe when we have become, at least temporarily, its prisoners?? I don’t feel like laughing and pointing, Guri!! I fear the only laughter and pointing going on in the universe is directed at us!! I’ll be on the ship if you need me.

GURI

Oh, Captain… come now. We are still highly respected explorers and, no matter our current circumstances, we are still Meeporpian!! Born of the tree!! Harnesser of crystals!! Cooker of boats! Say, what do you mean you’ll be on the ship? We lost our ship…

YURI

I’ll be up here, in the command post.

GURI

What, up that tree? You’re not even very far up. About three big branches up, but there must be 12 more before you get to the top.

YURI

I couldn’t possibly climb the 100 additional parsecs to the top. Plus I’m afraid of heights.

GURI

Well, anyway, I’m not sure why you are referring to it as a ship, but…

YURI

Because I am the Captain!! I must be the Captain of something!! I can’t just walk around on the Lurfian surface like a toothless commoner!!

GURI

Oo, was that a dig at Xranos the Toothless?

YURI

Yes, and come to think of it, why is it we never heard from Xranos as our immediate supervisor??

SHIPWARD

Perhaps, Captain, because you went right around him when you dictated that message to the Meeporpian High Council.

YURI

I didn’t dictate… but I’m not going to get into that again! Shipward, you’re on a thin branch with me, I’m warning you!!

GURI

I think the expression is, “You’re on thin ice,” Captain.

YURI

No, I’m saying he’s on a very thin branch with me and-

CRACK!!! THUMP THUMP

YURI

Aaahhhhh!!! Oh my tentacle!!!

GURI

And now you’re back on the ground with me. But don’t get up, Captain, I can finish welcoming our listeners to what is another episode of Greetings Lurflings, the podcast of the stars. This superior being here, groveling on the Lurfian surface clutching what looks like a broken tentacle, is Captain Yurishi Bilgewater, fearfully going where no Meeporpian has gone before. And I, quite nice of you to ask, am the copilot and co-adventurer of the mission, Gurishi WolfSlayer, seeker of truth, keeper of the flame.

YURI

Do you really think it’s broken, Guri?? Oh my goodness, what if gangrene sets in? All our antibiotics are on the ship!!

SHIPWARD

Fear not, Captain, I grabbed a supply of medicine from the medical bay before they took our ship.

YURI

You did? That was good thinking, Shipward. You’ve earned a stay of execution for now…

SHIPWARD

I’m to be executed?

GURI

No, Shipward, the Captain is just a bit confused after his fall, aren’t you Captain?? Here, let’s take a look at that tentacle…

YURI

It hurts very badly. Is it supposed to bend that way?

GURI

Well I’m no karflugon or “dock-ter” as they say here on Lurf, but I think our tentacles bend every which way. That’s one of the features of a tentacle.

YURI

Shipward, is that true?

SHIPWARD

That sounds right to me.

YURI

Wait, I keep forgetting you’re not actually a ship’s computer. Why am I asking you anything, you deceptive charlatan!! Not only did you defy my commands back in the ship’s computer room, but now you’ve broken my new command post… that branch afforded me a great view of our surroundings and had a very comfortable nook for thinking commanding thoughts...

SHIPWARD

As a Toshiban I do possess a nearly photographic memory and did commit to memory much of the contents of the ship’s computer.

GURI

Nearly photographic, what does that mean?

SHIPWARD

It’s more of a pornographic memory, actually.

YURI

Oh, great…

SHIPWARD

But most of the ship’s computer’s memory files were accompanied by racy illustrations and images left behind by the programmers, I guess to keep their own heads in the game, as it were… so I really am able to recall not only vast tracts of useful information but also the exact poses of the interplanetary sex symbols-

YURI

Enough, Shipward. You’ve spoken enough for this episode. Check your contract.

GURI

Oh, is he on a strict word count? I remember those days… Shipward, you should talk to my agent. Well anyway, it sounds like Shipward will prove useful, even without the ship’s computer.

YURI

I suppose. And hey my tentacle does seem to bend that way, and I can bend it back just as easily.

GURI

Nevertheless that was a close one, Captain. Perhaps we should avoid climbing these monstrous trees here on Lurf.

YURI

Well, if that’s the case we must put finding a new ship at the top of our to-do list.

GURI

And climbing trees at the top of our to-don’t list.

YURI

Yes… a captain without a ship is like a comet without a tail, a black hole without a hole, a pulsar without a pulse…

GURI

Now where do you suppose we find a spaceship, Captain?

YURI

Well we did run into Farit a few episodes back. As a fellow interstellar traveler I would think he could point us in the right direction.

GURI

Farit has a way of only appearing when he needs something from us though, and not the other way around.

YURI

Well you know the old Meeporpian saying, “Never trust a space-traveling ferret.” Now wait a minute… before I was so rudely disembarked from my ship a few moments ago…

GURI

Disembarked… I get it.

YURI  

Ah yes… well before I plummeted to the surface, I did see what looked like an unnatural mountain in the distance, about 60 karflecs that way.

GURI

An unnatural mountain? Well that does sound promising. Perhaps Shipward would be able to identify it for us.

YURI

No… he’s reached his word count, remember? I say we just go check it out.

GURI

60 karflecs is a long way for us to go without knowing for certain the trip will be worthwhile. And we have no means of transport. Where’s a winnebago when you need one?

YURI

Yes, we really could use some of our winged, dray beasts.

GURI

I suppose we could walk but that would take us-

YURI

Nonsense, Guri! A Meeporpian never walks! Shipward will carry us. As a Toshiban he’s nearly twice our stature, and his long legs will cut the travel time in half. Shipward, let’s saddle up!!

SHIPWARD

Am I permitted to speak, Captain?

YURI

No you are not!! And just by asking that question you have exceeded your word count. The union will be all over us now! I’ll just perch atop your head here in my new command post. Guri, you settle in on the left shoulder there.

GURI

This is rather uncomfortable. And Shipward’s lurching motion is already making me a bit sick…

YURI

See if Shipward grabbed some dramamine from the ship’s medical cabinet.

GURI

Wow, Shipward managed to grab quite a bit here while you were hopelessly pleading our case, Captain.

YURI

Yes I do regret arguing with those high council stooges and not grabbing my rock opera manuscript… my life’s work, and now the universe will be deprived of its genius. But yes, Guri, now is a good time to take inventory. Please list the contents of Shipward’s rucksack in alphabetical order.

GURI

Surely, Captain. Using which alphabet?

YURI

Well our Meeporpian alphabet of course!! And stop calling me Shirley.

GURI

Ah, you are referencing one of the very best jokes in Lurfian film history. From what was that movie called… about the primitive flying metal tube? Well anyway, let’s see what we’ve got here… ok I see various medicines: lunestra, sinestra, astral zeneca, galaxicor, humerus, humeri, humera-

YURI

Please skip the medical inventory, Guri, I can’t stand the names those marketing robots on Pharmacon come up with…

GURI

Yes, it really is a con, if you ask me. Of the pharma variety. Very well then, we’ll skip ahead to the foodstuffs. It looks like Shipward managed to raid the ship’s pantry… I see creampuffs, strudel, intergalactic flan -- my favorite -- and what look to be some assorted cookies here…

YURI

Do you mean to tell me he only grabbed desserts?

GURI

It does look that way. And the title of our last episode is finally making more sense now. We’ve been desserted, Captain!!

YURI

Yes, I get it now. Long wait for that punchline… I’m sure our listeners found the wait worthwhile.

GURI

And then there look to be various tools and odds and ends… more ends than odds… and the odds don’t look so good really. But all this hunting around in the rucksack is not helping my motion sickness, Captain. I feel like I’m going to fantasia...

YURI

Well please do that over the side of Shipward if you must. Or actually, hold onto that fantasia if you can, Guri!! I see a potential obstacle in our path!

GURI

Unnnhhh. What is it, Captain?

YURI

It’s giant, furry, with large round ears sticking out from its head, a pointy nose, long straight hairs sticking out to each side above its mouth, it’s holding a block of what looks like moldy cheese…

GURI

It sounds like a mouse, Captain! We’re done for!!!

YURI

Nonsense, Guri. I refuse to succumb to the dangers of Lurf today. Not today, I say!! Guri, how’s that fantasia coming?

GURI

Very soon now, Captain… errggggg.

YURI

Good! On my command, I want you to projectile fantasia directly into the eye of that mouse, which we will be passing beneath momentarily. Oh my comets, I think it sees us! It’s coming in for a closer look. Now, Guri!!! Fire the fantasia!!!

GURI

Boooaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Painful squeaking sounds as mouse scurries away

YURI

You did it, Guri!! Great shot! Who needs a soup cannon when we’ve got your projectile vomit?? I’ll note this in your files, Guri, and it will be a solid basis for a promotion some day… if we ever get back into the Meeporpian command structure again, that is. What am I saying?? We are on our own, and I’m in complete command here. I hereby promote you, Guri, from Rear Admiral to Second Mate.

GURI

Unnnnhhhhhhh....

YURI

Ok, we seem to be approaching our destination. What’s that rancid smell? Did you get some fantasia on yourself, Guri?

GURI

No, I think it’s coming from these piles of rotting foodstuffs and general refuse upon which Shipward is now trodding and disturbing… sending up these acrid smells…

YURI

Oh my pulsars, you are right! Have you ever seen so much waste? Why this entire mountain is composed of what must be the refuse of the hummus beans… we learned about this peculiar characteristic of the species in our Lurfian briefs. They have the highest waste to intelligence ratio of any known being in the universe!!

GURI

That would be high waste, low intelligence? Waste is in the numerator?

YURI

Well obviously, Guri, what a stupid question. Another question like that and you’ll be demoted back to Rear Admiral.

GURI

I’m sorry!! I was just checking… I was never good with fractions. Say, Captain, look at this!! It looks like a perfectly rotted piece of fish in a boat like container… mmmm!!!

YURI

Don’t touch that, Guri… and don’t even think about consuming it.

GURI

If only we had a large body of water nearby, we could launch this barely seaworthy delectable and enjoy a nice meal 200 Lurfian years from now.

YURI

Yes, well there is no sea or ocean nearby so just leave it be. Say, what is that underneath what looks like a giant, long, skinny balloon?

GURI

I don’t know, Captain, but it does indeed look promising. It looks a little bit like our ship!!

YURI

Shipward, move that long skinny balloon for us so we can get a better look. I don’t care if it’s heavy!! Or slimy! I don’t know what that is… but maybe best to go decontaminate yourself while Guri and I take a look at the device you’ve uncovered.

GURI

It seems to have a giant rotor within what looks like a relatively lightweight frame. Perhaps this was built for flight, Captain!!

YURI

Thank the cosmos. We may be saved.

GURI

It looks to be lacking a power source…

YURI

We’re doomed!!

GURI

No we’re not, Captain. And don’t say that so loud. Don’t you remember what is even more powerful than flattery for getting us places?

YURI

Flattery gets us everywhere, what could be more powerful… oh, gratitude? Right, well I suppose we could wait for that CeeCee fellow to show up and ask for another free ad.

GURI

No, Captain. I’m talking about the power of positive thinking!

YURI

What? Where did you hear that? Have you gone mad?

GURI

I heard it on some late night radio signals here on Lurf a night or two ago.

YURI

Positive thinking?! Why that’s ridiculous.

GURI

Well it’s worth a try, isn’t it? Have you got any other power sources tucked away in the folds of your six stomachs?

YURI

You’re on a thin branch, Guri!!

GURI

Come on, let’s climb aboard here. Shipward, you too. Is Timmy the Intern still tagging along as well?

TIMMY

What? Guys?

YURI

Ugh, he’s always here… but completely useless.

GURI

That was the tagline he put on his resume: Reliably useless. And yet, you still chose him, Captain.

YURI

Silence, Guri!! Your insubordination reliably increases towards the end of an episode. Don’t make me unholster my blaster. Now, I’ll just climb into what I will hereby dub the command position here, or the bridge of this vessel. And now we’ll see what this thing can do, which I assume will be nothing, since it is sitting at the bottom of a mountain of trash.

GURI

Oh come now, Captain. Remember, think positive thoughts, otherwise your prediction will come true, and we’ll go nowhere.

YURI

Oh very well. Positive thoughts -- we will soon be airborne. We will fly again. The eagle flies on Friday, and on Saturday we come out to play. This is silly… I feel silly.

GURI

I thought I saw the rotor stirring. Shipward and Timmy, you both think positive thoughts as well!

YURI

I hardly see how their thoughts will help… I am the Captain after all and if my thoughts cannot propel this vessel…

GURI

Be positive, Captain!

YURI

Oh very well, yes, let’s all join tentacles and sing in the spirit of the great unknowable: we will fly at last, we will fly at last, great co-pilot almighty, we will fly at last!!

Whoosh

GURI

You did it, Captain, you believed in us and we’re flying!!

YURI

Yes, I see that, Guri! Now how do you control this thing??

GURI

Will power. That is the source of all control, or so I heard. But don’t forget the positive thinking!! That will keep us aloft.

YURI

Okay, well I’ll keep up the positive thinking and why don’t you steer us with your will power, Guri.

GURI

Aye aye, sir!

YURI

Aye aye, what’s that mean?

GURI

No, I said, my eye, sir!! I got something in my eye. Ok, it’s gone now. All better. Now… where to, Captain?

YURI

Well away from this stinking trash heap, that’s for sure. And then we’ll need to access Shipward’s memory stores for a map of the region and to pick our destination. But we need to wait for his refreshed word count in another episode for that.

SHIPWARD

I’ve signed on with Guri’s agent. My deal has been restructured, and I am happy to report that I no longer have any word count restrictions.

YURI

Oh blast it! That’s just what we need…

GURI

Whoa!! We just lost a lot of altitude, Captain. Please stay positive!

YURI

Do you mean to tell me I have to remain upbeat for this ship to fly?? Oh this will never do!! We must seek a replacement ship immediately. Shipward, begin scanning your files for whatever this contraption we’re flying in is and where we can find one with its native power source intact. We will head there directly in the next episode. For now, we must sign off, as I see a large, comfortable looking tree in the distance and I may want to perch there for some rest and relaxation before our next adventure. Until next time, this Captain Yurishi Backwater coming to you from Lurf. Send help if you are hearing this. We could use an actual spaceship and some non-dessert foodstuffs. See you next time on Greetings Lurflings!

end of segment music

CeeCee’s House of Saws Ad #2412

C.C.

Howdy, Hank. Wake up -- I got some bad news again.

HANK

What? What’s that now? Now why am I half in a bucket seat and half on the ground?

C.C.

Well I never woulda thunk it but when they say they want half of everything, they literally mean they will take half of everything you own. It’s Shirley, Hank. She and her high-powered divorce attorney just took me for half of the Winnebago and half of all my saws!!

HANK

Oh I’m sorry, CeeCee.

C.C.

Not half as sorry as I am! Here I thought she might take the rear half of the Winnebago with the toilet and rumpus room, but no, she wanted to split it the long way right down the middle… so I got half a cockpit, half an engine, two wheels, half a kitchen, half a sofa, two full bunks but no toilet as the washroom was on the side that she took. She even took half of my favorite coffee mug!! Look, I pour coffee and it just pours out the side!

HANK

Ouch, that’s hot, CeeCee!! Watch where you’re pouring that!!

C.C.

Oh what’s the point? I don’t care anymore, Hank… I mean, what am I to do now? I got half my saw inventory, half of my sales staff…

HANK

That’s still a lot of saws, right? I mean you used to have more saws than anyone had ever seen, so…

C.C.

So now I have half as many saws as you’ve ever seen, and that just doesn’t have the same ring to it, Hank! I know advertising, Hank, and that slogan won’t bring the cows home.

HANK

Well that’s assuming the customers have been to your store before, CeeCee. If they haven’t, then how many saws do you think most people have seen in their lives?

C.C.

About 2 or maybe 3 thousand, I’d say.

HANK

No, CeeCee, you’re way off. You’re in the saw business, so you wouldn’t know this, but most people have only seen about 2 or 3 saws in their lifetimes.

C.C.

Whatt? Well that’s a very low number of saws!!

HANK

Yeah, CeeCee, most people have some sort of basic wood-cutting saw and then maybe an all-purpose hacksaw, and that’s it.

C.C.

Oh there’s no such thing as an all-purpose hacksaw, Hank. Every hacksaw blade has its specific purpose and you wouldn’t want to try and cut metal, say, with a wood hacksaw blade… the teeth per inch or TPI would be way off! And don’t get me started on the blades you need to cut plastic and plexiglass and bone.

HANK

Bone, CeeCee?

C.C.

Um… sure. We serve all sorts of clientele, Hank. No questions asked.

HANK

Oh my goodness…

C.C.

But why suspect the worst, Hank? Why there’s plenty of above board, upstanding uses for a good bone saw. Why there are vivisection needs in medical schools and medical labs, there are times firefighters or emergency responders might need to cut someone free from some sort of accident…

HANK

I’m gonna be sick…

C.C.

And I’ve sold some bone saws to mortuary technicians… you see, sometimes when very tall people don’t fit in your standard coffin, they-

HANK

That’s enough, CeeCee. I get the picture and I stand corrected. Let’s just stop talking about the legitimate uses for bone saws.

C.C.

There’s also the very understandable need for a bone saw when a recent divorcee decides to take back half of the ring that he gave in good faith to his betrothed-

HANK

Ok, calm down now, CeeCee.

C.C.

It cost me six days’ pay, that ring!!

HANK

Isn’t it supposed to be six weeks’ pay? Something more than six days, I think…

C.C.

Well I was making very good money at the time, Hank. This was back in my clubbing days.

HANK

Oh you ran nightclubs? That does sound lucrative-

C.C.

No, I used to sell clubs to seal hunters. I sold the best clubs, Hank.

HANK

Oh, I’m sorry to have learned that about you. But CeeCee, what are you going to do here with half a winnebago and half a mind to commit a violent crime? I’m worried about you.

C.C.

Oh don’t you worry about me, Hank. I’m like a cat. I have nine lives, I always land on my feet, and I am hopelessly distracted by laser pointers. That’s why I had to ban them in my store. The last time a customer brought a laser pointer into the House of Saws, I nearly sawed someone clean in half after I pushed him onto a table saw while chasing that infernal red laser dot… I almost caught it that time!! I had it in my paw for a full two seconds!! My hand, I mean.

HANK

Well, I’m going to go open up the Wholesale Holes shop for the day. You’re welcome to stop by, CeeCee, if you need a whole place to crash.

C.C.

No, my half a place will serve me just fine, thanks for the offer though. Here at C.C’s Half a House of Saws, we’re slashing prices in half, on half of the largest stock of saws you’ve ever seen. There’s a special saw sale every half hour, and half of everything I’m saying right now is true! So come on down, to C.C’s Half a House of Saws, you’ll have half of a good time and be half sorry to go at closing time, which is half past six on weekdays and half past two on the weekends, when C.C. has his better half to seek out for revenge or reconciliation, whichever comes first.

end of segment music