Episode 21: Sacre Bleu! Part Deux: Adieu!

episode opens to strains of Whitesnake’s “Here we go again” with synth accompaniment

Yuri: Where is that music coming from? Guri is that you?

Guri: Yes, I’ve gained entry into the toy Oldsmobile 88 here, and it’s got quite a nice stereo system! Top of the line, I imagine, for this primitive species’ technology at the time.

Yuri: I can hear that… almost as good as what we produce in our vacuum toilets…

Guri: I think I can get this toy car to function properly… should I drive it over to the Gorgon spacecraft and present this Lurfian achievement in engineering style and grace as a gift?

Yuri: No, Guri… wink, wink… we couldn’t do that… wink, wink… because remember Gorgon Zola is monitoring our podcast and has already heard about our Trojan Horse scheme… wink wink… so we couldn’t do that… we better just abandon the car and let him take it if he wants it… wink, wink.

Guri: Why do you keep saying, ‘wink wink’? What’s going on?

Yuri: Well, you can’t see me… we are only in audio correspondence… so I knew you wouldn’t see me winking.

Shipward: Gorgon Zola can hear you saying wink wink, Captain. The whole point of a wink is that it is not verbalized and, ideally, is also not seen by the person you wish to deceive.

Yuri: Ah, unless, I want the person being deceived to think we are trying to deceive him, when actually we are not trying to do anything of the sort. Why would we go through with a plot that has already been uncovered?

Shipward: I don’t know… you wouldn’t. And he certainly wouldn’t expect you too.

Yuri: Exactly. So we won’t be going through with our scheme, wink wink. But we’ve winked and said enough about this.

Guri: You wink? I mean, you think?

Yuri: Yes, let’s not overwink it.

Guri: Okay… but I’m still unclear on whether I’m driving this Oldsmobile over to Gorgon Zola or not.

Yuri: But here we are diving into the plot, part deux of Sacre Bleu, the double episode and season one finale, and I have yet to welcome our listeners to what is Episode 21 and the last episode of our first season of Greetings Lurflings, the podcast that-

Gorgon Zola: Oh has the next episode started? Finally!! I can resume blasting you out of existence, you Meeporpian filth!!

Yuri: No, no… not just yet, Zola the Odiferous…

Gorgon Zola: What? That is not my name… who said you could call me that?? And on a universal broadcast nonetheless?? Why I’ll sue you for libel!!

Guri: You are fairly smelly!! At least that’s what your mother told us!

Gorgon Zola: WHAT??? How dare you?!?! My mother is a rock formation in the Jibrungee Fjords on Patooine… she hasn’t spoken in three millennia, so now we know you are lying!!

Guri: Do we? We can travel through time, you know. So maybe we traveled back to when she was a young stalagmite and still talking… and you were an even younger pile of stinkweed…

Gorgon Zola: Stalagmite?? Stinkweed?? You are clearly just making things up now!!

Yuri: Guri, I don’t think this is really helping-

Guri: I’m trying to draw him out of his ship, wink wink, so I can give him a taste of the mold blaster!

Yuri: Ohhhh, I see.

Gorgon Zola: I can hear you, you fools! I will not be leaving my ship! Instead I will be blasting you into nonexistence in 3… 2…

Yuri: Oh now wait a second, GZ, you can’t disrupt the podcast format-

Gorgon Zola: Geezee? What does that mean?

Yuri: Well, it’s your initials, but it also sort of sounds like “cheesy”... GZ? Get it? So I thought it was appropriate-

Guri: Oh that is clever, Captain.

Yuri: Yes, I thought so.

Gorgon Zola: GZ could be my rap name… if I were to want to experiment in that field, branch out a bit from universal domination… something to think about.

Guri: Have you ever tried rapping before?

Gorgon Zola: Well… no…

Guri: But you seem to have a natural rhythm, I can tell just by the way you talk.

Gorgon Zola: Oh can you? Well I… never… no one ever told me that before…

Guri: Let’s try a bit… Shipward can lay down a beat with his synth there, can’t you, Shipward?

Shipward: Hold on… let me… find the right drum kit…

SYNTH DRUM NOISES

Guri: Ah yes, there we go… that’s a sick beat, Shipward... ok, GZ, just give it a try… spit some rhymes…

Gorgon Zola: Oh, well… this is all so sudden… I might need to collect my thoughts…

Guri: Take your time… make sure you feel the beat first…

Gorgon Zola: Right… feel the beat… okay here we go… Well I’m the big cheese and I’m here to say, I want all your profits in a terrible way, and you can’t say no, ‘cause I’ve got a big gun, and like your girlfriend said she said I’m the only one for her… that’s right, ya been served, and for the last time ‘cause you’re dead now, ya heard??

Yuri: Wow… that was… pretty good.

Guri: Amazing!! GZ, you’re on fire!!

Gorgon Zola: What? Am I? Ship’s computer… status report!!

Guri: No, it’s a Lurfian expression… it means you’re good! You had flow!! Really...

Gorgon Zola: Well thank you. It just sort of came to me. I usually succeed at the things I do. But anyway, what is this you were saying before, Yuri, about disrupting the podcast format? The episode has started, and I can now resume killing you.

Yuri: Ah, but not until we’re through with the introductions. Gorgon Zola: Well I just introduced myself via rap… who else needs to be introduced? Maybe you all should be forced to rap too. I found it to be a bit humiliating, so I will much enjoy seeing you try…

Yuri: Oh, well… that’s not how we usually…

Guri: (loud whisper) Captain, it’s a good idea, wink wink… will buy us some time as I… ojan-trey orse-hey into his ip-shey.

Yuri: What? What is he saying, Shipward? He’s lost me completely…

Shipward: It’s a form of coded language here on Lurf called Pork French, I believe…

Yuri: Pork French?

Shipward: Something like that… maybe pig French… oh no… pig Latin… that’s what it is.

Yuri: Pig Latin… do the pigs speak Latin here? How charming and quaint!

Gorgon Zola: Do you guys seriously go off on tangents like this all the time? How does anyone bear it?? No wonder you only have six zillion followers across the universe! Now I want to hear your rap introductions!!! Or else the introductions are over and I will blast you to tomorrow and yesterday and back to tomorrow again!!

Yuri: Oh, very well then. Umm… Shipward, if you could provide the beat again…

SYNTH DRUM BEAT

Yuri: Ahem… well this Yuri, your Captain and hero, and on a bravery scale, well I’m something more than zero, you see I come up with the plin, and I give the commands, but I don’t know our mission or where any one of us stands… I’m a loser! You heard it here first, when it comes to fearless leaders, I might be the worst!!

Guri: Ba-HAAA!!

Yuri: Stop the beat! Stop it!! I know the writers saved us at the end of the last episode but now they are back at the top of my To-Murder list!! I will kill them!!

Guri: laughing Oh that was rich!

Yuri: Well, you’re next Guri… so good luck!! Shipward, drop the beat.

SYNTH DRUMS

Guri: Oh, what, who me? Well, what’s it gonna be? I’m from Meeporp you see and I think I gotta pee, but when I do… music comes out… and… not rap obviously… because-... I’ve never tried this before, and- help me find the door! I can’t… take it no more… oh boy, this isn’t working! I’m sorry… I…

Yuri: laughing Oh wow… that was very bad, Guri.

Gorgon Zola: laughing Oh my!!! This is excellent entertainment and torture for my victims!

Yuri: laughing trails off Yes… well, let’s see here… who’s left to introduce? Ah, Shipward… you’re up!

Shipward: Oh no, Captain. I couldn’t possibly put the beat down and rap at the same time.

Yuri: (urgently) But you must, Shipward! Can’t you see… wink wink… we have to stick to the podcast format?

Shipward: I don’t know what the wink wink means, but fine. I’ll try, but this won’t be easy…

SYNTH DRUMS

Shipward: My name is Shipward, and I couldn’t be looser, I spent six karflugons trapped in a computer, but now I’m free all crazy and carousin’, don’t look now, it’s Shipward 2000.

Guri: Okay… that was pretty good-

Shipward: You might want to say let the beat drop! Everyone’s crowding this heart throb! But I gots to go, you best step off!! Now don’t you be crying make those tears stop! I’m out!

Guri: Wow…

Yuri: Shipward, I didn’t know you had that in you-

Gorgon Zola: Ok, he was a bit too good… I’m not sure who is scoring this rap battle… but it won’t matter, because now the introductions are done and the real battle can begin!

Yuri: What? No!! The introductions are not done yet! We still have… Timmy… our intern…

Guri: Timmy’s dead, Captain, remember? A death we swore to avenge at the start of this episode!!

Yuri: What? When did we swear to do that? I don’t remember…

Shipward: Captain, I’m getting a proximity alert… and the floor is shaking below us… I think the hummus beans are approaching.

Gorgon Zola: So long, Meeporpians!! Those rap introductions will have to serve as your eulogies now!!

COSMIC RAY BLASTS

Yuri: AAAaaagggghh!! Shipward, shield status report!

Shipward: Shields are at 7 percent, Captain. We could use the rest of our fuel in one more evasive maneuver perhaps.

Yuri: But where to? There’s no cloaking device in sight! Guri, see how close you can get with your mold blaster!! We are running out of options!!

Guri: Ok, Captain… oh wait… look! Giant hummus beans are entering the room!

Dennis: Now this here is Runyan’s room. He’s still getting ice cream with his father but his mother said we could look around up here for that spaceship we got him.

C.C.: Oh now lookee here!! Here’s a flying saucer looking thingee!!

Gorgon Zola: Arrrrrrggggggggggg!!! Put me down!!!

THEEND: THEEND!! Come to join party!! Did somebody say “Cookie here!!?”

C.C: Oh, wow… is that the real Cookie Monster?? I used to watch you when I was just a wee one! No, I didn’t say, “Cookie here”, I said “Lookee here.” I’m sorry, you must have misheard me. I do have a bit of an accent!

THEEND: It’s okay. It happens all the time! Well, I’d stay but… you look busy. I’ll come back at more appropriate time.

C.C.: Like when we have cookies?

THEEND: That would be the ideal time for me to come back, yes. See you, C.C., my love to the missus.

C.C.: Well now isn’t he a doll?

Dennis: No, he’s a muppet, C.C., and I don’t understand how he seemed to enter and leave here without any sort of puppeteer that I could see…

C.C.: Well, nevermind that mystery, Dennis, we already have another one to solve for poor Hank here.

Hank: Yeah, I don’t think that’s the ship, C.C., the one you’re holding there…

C.C.: Oh right, I forgot I was holding this little contraption… hmm, yeah, maybe you’re right… and shaking it I don’t hear anything inside…

Gorgon Zola: AAaaarrrgggggg!!! Fire lasers, in every direction!!

LASER BLASTS

C.C.: Do you hear something? Like a little bird chirping?

Hank: I don’t hear anything, C.C....

C.C.: Oh, well I thought I heard something...

Gorgon Zola: You will pay for your impertinence you human scum!!! I will-

C.C.: Naw, you’re right, this ain’t the ship!

Gorgon Zola: (scream fading into distance) Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

CRASH

Yuri: Oh my goodness, the giant hummus bean just threw Gorgon Zola across the room and into a tower of giant blocks which came crashing down around him! We might be saved!!

Shipward: He will likely spot us next, Captain. I’m activating the loudspeaker. Try to make contact before he shakes us to oblivion.

Yuri: Okay, good idea… and wait a minute… it’s hard to see the entire form outside the ship’s win-dow here, but isn’t that a giant Hank out there? It looks a bit like him, although I don’t remember him having three tentacles coming out of his mid-section…

Shipward: Oh dear… that third arm or “tentacle” as you call it does look to be coming out of his appendix, where I did try to localize the distortions that might occur when traveling thru-

THEEND: Appendix, my old friend!!

Guri: Oh, goodness, no, THEEND, not now!! We’ve been through this before! It’s a different appendix… not your old friend!

THEEND: I’m sorry. I was already in the area because I thought the big giant over there said “Cookie here!”

Guri: Yes, we heard… we were here for that. You almost stepped on me!

THEEND: Oh, me sorry!! Me would never want to step on you!! You my friend!!

Guri: That’s great… now go away. We’ll see you… or we hope to see you at the end of this episode… if we survive.

THEEND: Well, me pulling for you! The whole gang down at Sesame Street is too.

Guri: Even Bob?

THEEND: Especially Bob!! And Maria!! Don’t get me started on Maria!! I once met a girl named Maria!! She broke THEEND’s heart!

Guri: Let me guess… she left you for Snuffleuppigus?

THEEND: I mean how could I compete?? He’s an elephant!

Guri: I guess what he had to offer was…

THEEND: Wooly… and mammoth!

Guri: Oh boy… and there goes this episode’s rating. Sorry! But why am I apologizing… clearly the writers are somewhat repressed. Embarrassing for them really.

Dennis: Oh, look over there on the floor, C.C… is that the ship??

C.C.: Well, let’s see here… oh yes, I recognize it from when it was hanging from the ceiling in the toy store and it first caught my eye!! It’s a sharp one!!

Hank: Oh, and hey… look at the toy car next to it… is that an Oldsmobile 88? Why it looks just like the model I used to have. Let’s take a look-see.

Shipward: Brace yourselves… I think they are going to pick both of us up!

Yuri: Oh, no!! Hold on, Guri!!

Guri: Oh no you don’t! Punch it, Martha!!

CAR HORN (Paul makes car horn noise)

Guri: What the-? How do you make this thing go??

Shipward: My memory banks say there should be something called a gas pedal near the floor of the vehicle on the lower right…

Guri: Oh well I can’t reach that!! Whoaaaaa!!! Oh no!! He’s got me!!

Hank: Now there you are… my old beauty!! Yep, that’s the one! Two-tone coloring and faux leather interior…

C.C.: Now this is what I call a spaceship!

Yuri: (over loudspeaker) Hank!! C.C.!! Can you hear me??

C.C.: What the-!! Who said that??

Hank: I think it’s them, C.C.!! I told you the aliens are inside that ship!

Dennis: Well, I’ll be a bee in a bonnet…

Yuri: Yes, I am in the spaceship, and, Hank, If you can hear me, this is very important!! Guri is inside that toy vehicle you are holding. Do not drop or shake that vehicle. And the same goes for you, C.C., with our ship, please! Even just a little shake is very dangerous for us!

C.C.: Okay, my alien friends… we read you loud and clear and we will remain very still… like a game of freeze tag. Or night at the museum… where you turn into a statue. Turn into a statue, Hank!!

Hank: I’m already a statue, C.C… people often think I’m a statue on account of how I often fall asleep with my eyes open, while standing and minding the shop. One poor grandmother who had stopped to rest near me almost had a heart attack when I let out a loud snore. Or so I was told later.

C.C.: Excellent story, Hank, and I know this is old hat for you, but I’m a little distracted by the fact that we’re making alien contact here!! Aside from one brief stint on an alien awards show that I connected to via my trusty CB radio, I haven’t ever talked to aliens before. So let’s try to re-establish contact here… now, what did you say their names were again?

Yuri: This is Captain Yurishi of the spaceship you are holding in your hand right now, C.C., and Guri is in the Oldsmobile 88.

Guri: Hello!! Nice to see you again, Hank!! You’re looking… all there and then some.

Hank: You picked a nice ride, Guri. But yes, that’s what we came here to talk to you all about. You see, ever since you sent me back to my friends through the black hole, which I do greatly appreciate, as I imagine that was no small feat…

Guri: Yes, we specifically programmed it for “no small feet,” or to avoid shrinking your feet, which is a common side effect of passing through a black hole, right, Shipward?

Shipward: That’s right, and we did try to localize all of the possible distortions and distress into one unused interior organ… although I see there was an unexpected reaction there…

C.C.: Unexpected and untoward… unseemly and unsightly!

Hank: Well, yes, as C.C. so eloquently puts it… well, this third arm is getting in the way a bit as I try to go about my daily life here on Earth. Not that it hasn’t come in handy -- whoops, there goes that pun again -- in the bedroom with Hilda, and it also has me on the leaderboard now in the after hours adult naked Easter egg hunt league I belong to down at the church.

C.C.: Now Hank, you’ve just got to get me a guest pass or a special guest entry form for that one of these Saturday nights!

Hank: Well sure, C.C., I could pull a few strings. You think Sheila would be into it too?

C.C.: Oh, no doubt about that. Those ain’t Easter eggs, honey!!

Hank: If I had a nickel, C.C., for every time that was shouted during one of these hunts…

C.C.: Well, we’d be able to build our whole store again, wouldn’t we!!

Hank: No, we’d probably just have a few dollars. But still, I’ve heard that yelled a lot.

C.C.: Ooooo-eeee, it sounds like fun!!

Yuri: Yes, well… getting back to the matter at extra hand… umm, Shipward, what would you recommend?

Shipward: Well, it’s going to be hard to do much of anything at Hank’s current size. Does he happen to have any black holes on him?

C.C.: Hank, you’ve got a black hole or two with you, don’t you?

Hank: Oh sure. I never leave home without them. You see I keep them in these little boxes on my belt here…

C.C.: So you’ve managed to contain a black hole in a box? A black hole, which swallows up whole planets… and yet somehow you’ve found a box that doesn’t get sucked in but can actually contain-... I confess I do not quite understand the physics of it.

Hank: Well, you need a special funnel to get the black hole into the box, but yes, once it’s in there, it is contained and cannot swallow the box or anything else. Or not until you release it, that is.

Guri: Amazing!! And here we thought the hummus beans were primitive creatures.

Hank: The hummus what?

Dennis: Oh, looks who’s home. It’s my favorite nephew, Runyan!!

Runyan: Uncle Denny!! Uncle Denny!! I had ice cream!!

Dennis: Oh, now what flavor did you have??

Runyan: Strawbooby!!!

Dennis: Oh ho! Strawberry, that’s a good one-

Runyan: Hey, why do you have Glooby?? Glooby in big fight with Gorgon Zola!!

Dennis: Oh now, Uncle C.C. just has some small repairs to make to your spaceship to make it all better, but why don’t we go play outside before it gets dark, whaddya say?

Runyan: Well… can we play tag?

Dennis: Oh, okay… I don’t know if I’ll be able to catch you...

Runyan: Nobody catches me! Okay! Bye, Glooby! You can die later!

RECEDING FOOTSTEPS

Yuri: Such a charming child! Now, Shipward, will you be able to program one of Hank’s black holes to shrink Hank and bring him back aboard our ship? Then we could work on fixing the code to return him and hopefully without any extra appendages this time.

Shipward: Yes, if he could just place one of the boxes with the black hole in it outside our ship…

Yuri: C.C., if you could place us down on a flat surface and have Hank place one of his black holes in a box next to us, we will see if we can bring him aboard and fix the problem there.

C.C.: Ok, then, Yuri… I’m placing you down nice and careful like… there we go. And, Hank, let’s see one of those black hole jobbers there… I’ll keep the lid on nice and tight, right? Heh heh. We wouldn’t want another accident like the time we swallowed up half of Chicago. Boy was that Mayor pissed!! Until half the city miraculously reappeared… although Soldier Field had grown an unsightly addition…

Shipward: Ok, establishing connection with the black hole, Captain.

Guri: Help, I’m under attack!!

Yuri: What? How? I thought Gorgon Zola was crushed under some giant blocks!! What’s happening?

Guri: No, I… got the car stuck on the carpet here, and when I got out I slid down the doorway and got trapped under a tack… this giant tack that maybe is used to hold the carpet down to the floor, but this one came up it seems…

Yuri: Guri, please don’t scare me like that! I thought you were under attack? As in “attack”, one word...

C.C.: Oh, I get it. That’s a play on words… some highly educated humor there! These aliens are not only advanced, Hank, they’re clever!! But so very tiny!! Why I can’t even see them inside that little spaceship there!

Yuri: Yes, and now please be careful, as Guri is underfoot… and under a tack, but possibly underfoot when he comes out from under the tack…

Guri: No, like I said, Captain, I’m trapped under here. The tack isn’t loose on the carpet, it’s still mostly secured, but I’ve slid under it just enough to get stuck…

Yuri: Oh, I see, well that is much less dramatic than what I thought initially and I’d say we’re probably taking up too much of the podcast talking about it now…

Guri: Too much of the podcast?? Oh!! I’m sorry if this isn’t a gripping enough situation for you… but it’s quite gripping enough for me!! I can’t move six of my tentacles!!

Yuri: Oh my comets, all right, stop your complaining. We will get to your rescue in just a moment, but one thing at a time here… Shipward, are you ready to bring Hank aboard?

Shipward: Just… about…

Yuri: Okay, well... perhaps we’ll take this dreadful lull in the action as an opportunity for a word from our sponsor.

Guri: What now?? I can barely move!! I don’t want to listen to a whole commercial-

Yuri: Just shut up!! We have to pay our bills!

end of segment music

Dennis’ Drill Dungeon, Ad #20210513

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end of segment music

Resume Sacre Bleu! Part Deux: Adieu!

Yuri: Another very strange commercial…

C.C.: Now just hold on a fat second there… where’s Dennis? That little-

Hank: Oh he’s still outside playing tag with Runyan-

C.C.: First you did that commercial on your own, Hank, during those Judgie awards… and now Dennis is going behind my back-... or stabbing me in the back, is what you’re both doing!! I thought we were all in this business together!!

Hank: Well, C.C., now… we’re all entrepreneurs and we have to take every opportunity that comes our way to promote our wares and move our merchandise…

C.C.: Yeah, but a house of torture??? An intern with a missing eye?? These were my ideas!!! And here Dennis has gone and ripped them all off and made it his own…

Hank: Well, uh, they say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery…

Guri: Oh my, Captain, Hank’s right!! Check the tanks!! That commercial may have just paid major dividends into our strongly held sentiment drive.

Yuri: Shipward, is that true?

Shipward: Our fuel reserves have jumped by 15 percent.

Yuri: Great Quasar of Balhoon!! Why a few more of those commercials and we could power a trip away from Lurf altogether!

Guri: But where would we be running to, Captain?? Remember we are facing our fears here! We will learn and complete our mission!! We will revolutionize the Meeporpian Royal Navy with our new battle techniques, using something besides soup as ammunition and with that nifty cloaking device you invented, Captain. Now, if I could just get unstuck from under this tack…

Yuri: You’re right, Guri! I admire your pluck! I always thought you were an able companion and-

Shipward: The black hole is programmed, Captain.

Yuri: Oh thank goodness, I was having the most boring conversation with Guri.

Guri: Hey!! I can hear you!!

Yuri: Now, Hank, can you hear me?

Hank: Yes, I read you, Yuri...

Yuri: You may now carefully activate that black hole and jump into it. It should shrink you down and bring you aboard this ship.

C.C.: Well now, I can’t wait to see this… here, Hank, let me help you with the lid there-

WHOOSH

C.C. and Hank: Whoooaaaaa!! Wwwwwaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

Shipward: Oh my… I think we’ve brought both of them aboard, Captain!

C.C.: What the-...

Hank: Oh now, C.C., look what you did! You got yourself shrunk down too…

C.C.: Someone hand me a cheese stick and light it on fire, wouldja look at this?? I’m aboard a spaceship!! Look at all them blinking lights! And- OH MY!!! Oh… with the many heads… and the tentacles… Hank, what’s happening?

Hank: Those are my friends, C.C.! That’s Captain Yuri…

C.C.: Oh, and the bigger thing over there!! It’s moving!!

Yuri: Hello, C.C., it’s nice to meet you. And yes, that’s Shipward, our walking ship’s computer. Well, supposedly he’s not a computer, but he basically functions like one.

C.C.: Simply out of this world!! Literally… out of this world, as in you’re not from this world!

Yuri: Yes, we understand-

C.C.: Say I hate to cut short the introductions and impose in any way, but if you could point me to the nearest toilet, that Steakum Shakeum from earlier this evening is going right through me! And I’m afraid it’s clamoring for a speedy escape… hopefully into a proper receptacle!

Yuri: What now? What’s happening?

Shipward: He’s interested in using one of our vacuum toilets, I believe, Captain.

C.C.: Oo, now a vacuum toilet, that does sound like an exhilarating experience. If you could just point towards one of those jobbers…

Yuri: Yes, down the hall and to the left there… Shipward, perhaps you could see to it that he finds his way there and not into any other place dangerous.

Shipward: My eye, Captain.

C.C.: (receding into distance) Oh, did you hurt your eye or something there, Shippy? I once got a sawblade stuck in my cornea…

Yuri: Ok, there, Hank, why don’t you just hang tight while we run some diagnostics on that extra tentacle you’ve got there… I’m sure we’ll be able to send you back in your original form…

Guri: Captain… I can’t quite see what’s happening from my current position under a tack, if you’ll be so good as to remember I’m trapped here…

Yuri: Yes, yes, what is it, Guri?

Guri: Well I feel some rumbling on the floor here and I see some commotion over by the block pile there where we last saw Gorgon Zola…

Yuri: Oh no, you don’t think-

Runyan: Oh here’s Gorgon Zola… how did he get under here?? You supposed to kill Glooby over here…

Yuri: Oh no!! When did Runyan come back? Activate the loudspeaker, Shipward! Oh, he’s not here… Shipweena!! Activate the external speaker!

Shipweena: Speaker? I don’t even know her.

Yuri: You’re useless!

Shipweena: Why don’t you approach a computer port and say that…

Yuri: I will not!! I will stay safely over here on the bridge!!

Runyan: Here you go, Gorgon Zola, now you’re right in front of Glooby! Now fight!!

Gorgon Zola: Well, look who’s not dead yet??

Yuri: Who? You? Or me? Are you celebrating that you’re not dead yet? Or are you threatening me?

Gorgon Zola: A bit of both, I guess!! It’s anyone’s guess with these writers of yours, am I right?

Yuri: Oh, tell me about it, GZ! Honestly, sometimes I have no idea where this thing is going!!

Gorgon Zola: Well at least in this episode you know where it’s going. Have you put your affairs in order?

Yuri: Well… actually… no, I need a few more klangons…

Gorgon Zola: I don’t really care if they are in order, Yuri!! I will just zap you into oblivion now! Fire!!!

awkward silence

Gorgon Zola: Fire, I said!! What’s happening? Why aren’t we firing? What? The ship is badly damaged? Our cosmic ray is nonfunctional? Our shields are badly damaged? Stop repeating everything you’re telling me because the Meeporpians can hear me? Oh… am I still on holo-com?? That’s embarrassing… let me hit mute.

Yuri: Ah, of course, his ship was badly damaged when C.C. tossed him into the pile of blocks. Now’s our chance!! Shipward!! Report to the bridge!! We’ve got ‘im where we want ‘im!!

Shipward: C.C. is still in the toilet… I heard non-musical noises in there… I’m not sure what’s happening…

Yuri: Nevermind that! How much chowder do we have left in the soup cannons? Gorgon Zola’s ship is damaged and defenseless!

Shipward: Cannon 2 still has some juice. But it looks like Gorgon Zola is trying to tell you something…

Yuri: Oh yes… he’s gesturing wildly with his long head stalks and shimmering corona…

Shipward: It looks like he’s muted though. We can’t hear him.

Yuri: Oh, GZ, you’re still on mute!! Oh well, who cares? Let’s blast him anyway! Fire the soup cannon!!

SPLATT SPLATT

Shipward: Direct hit, Captain!! The fuselage looks to be melting!!

Yuri: Oh, but look, an escape pod just launched down to the floor over there… I think he escaped.

Guri: Captain!! Yes, his escape pod just landed not far from me. Where I’m trapped, if you’ll remember and be so kind as to GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!! I’m a shitting duck like this.

Hank: Um, how long do you want me to hold my extra arm in this scanner thingamajig?

Guri: What? Who’s that??

Yuri: Oh, Hank, I almost forgot you were here!! We’re a bit busy at the moment, trying to save our multiple heads!! Just hang in there, the scan is almost complete.

C.C.: Whoa!! Yuri, I must apologize… but you are NOT going to want to visit vacuum toilet number 3 for… well maybe ever… I seem to have reversed the vacuum toilet and, well, it made quite a mess…

Yuri: What?? But look at you, what are you covered in?? It looks foul and-... oh… I think I just smelled it…

C.C.: Yeah, do you happen to have a space shower on board here? Or how does that work?

Gorgon Zola: Well what have we here?? A puny Meeporpian under a tack? What a delightful play on words....

Guri: Captain!!! He’s spotted me!! I’m done for!!

Yuri: Remember what you have on you, Guri, wink wink… sounds like “old master”...

Guri: What? Just tell me-

Gorgon Zola: No silly Meeporpian weaponry scares me. Your hot soup was only effective once my ship was damaged beyond repair. What are you going to do now, throw bread crumbs at me?

Guri: How about a taste of this?!?! Mold blast!!!

ZIPSHSSHHS

Gorgon Zola: AaAAaaaaagghghghghghg!!!! Moldddddd!!!!! No!!!!!! Who told you?!?!?

Yuri: Let’s just say a little hummus bean told us all of your weaknesses!! Now, Shipward!! Hit him with the soup!!

Gorgon Zola: No!!! Not heat and mold!!! That’s death for a blue cheese like me!!

Yuri: Fire!!!

SPLAT SPLAT

Gorgon Zola: AAAAARrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhh!!! Gorgon princes… avenge me!!! Avengggggeee meeeeee!!!!

silence

Guri: We did it, Captain!!! He’s a puddle!!! A sticky, gooey, smelly puddle… now could you please get me out from under this tack??

Yuri: Yes, yes. Shipward, why don’t you go fetch Guri. And Hank, you can rest your extra arm now. We’ll get you and C.C. back to normal in no time, I’m sure… but not this episode or season it seems, as it looks like both are wrapping up here in the next few lines. But our listeners near and far can rest assured that the universe is just a little bit safer now that the mighty scourge, Gorgon Zola, has been vanquished by your favorite Meeporpian podcast heroes. Will there be more of his ilk? Well he did reference some Gorgon princes in his dying words, so that makes me instantly uncomfortable. But something we can worry about next season. For now… this is your fearful Captain Yuri-

Guri: And your reluctantly brave second in command, Guri…

Shipward: And Shipward, your talking Ship’s computer…

Hank: Oh, is it my turn… this is Hank Holbrook, of Hank’s Wholesale Holes…

Dennis: Dennis of Dennis’ Drill Dungeon...

C.C.: And a freshly showered C.C. of… well I guess we’re back to just C.C.’s House of Saws…

Yuri: And we’re all saying so long from Runyan’s room… say goodbye, Runyan…

Runyan: Glooby go bye bye?

Yuri: No, not just yet, Runyan. Glooby stay here for a little while longer-

THEEND: THEEEND!!! Did I miss my cue?? Too early again?

Guri: No, you’re right on time for once, Theend! Nice work!!

THEEND: Well, I try!! You know what they say: a broken clock is right twice per day!!

Guri: Do they say that here on Lurf? How charming!! How stupid… but how charming!