Episode 20: Sacre Bleu!!

Episode opens to strains to “Oh what a lucky man... he was” tune with synth noises in background, which could be Shipward playing the synth

Yuri: Wow, bit of a departure from what we’ve previously heard coming out of the two of you… I can see the band is really taking shape now…

Guri: I know, Shipward, did you fashion a synthesizer out of extra parts as you were repairing the damage to the ship.

Shipward: I did… when I patched things up back there I found I had some extra transistors and resistors and persisters and cease and desistors… so I pieced together this little sound module…

more beeps and blurbs from synth

Yuri: Well that’s very nice, Shipward, but are you sure we didn’t need those parts in the ship?

Shipward: Well, I couldn’t see where they would go, so…

Guri: I’m sure a spacecraft of this caliber comes with extra parts throughout… sort of an embarrassment of riches under the hood, if you know what I mean.

Shipward: You could say that again.

Shipweena: Shipward, stop!!

Yuri: Ah, Shipweena, I’m glad you’re “here”, as it were, and I’m wondering if you might respond to a command from your Captain for once.

Shipweena: Yessss… what is it, honey bear?

Yuri: No, this is not your honey bear, this is your Captain. Shipward! What have you done to her? Has she been reprogrammed out of whatever kinky mode you like to put her into?

Shipward: She has been reprogrammed, Captain, but apparently some bells cannot be un-rung, as I believe the expression goes.

Yuri: Yes, and I shudder to think at how many times that bell has been rung.

Shipweena: 216 times, Captain, but who’s counting? Just kidding, I am! I am counting.

Yuri: That’s just… fine. But, Shipweena, I’m really hoping for a system status report. You see we may be going into battle soon-

Shipweena: 216… do I hear 217?? Where art thou, my Romeo?!?!

Yuri: Oh this is just great…

Shipward: (loud whisper) Guri, if you could take this Flexi-drive for me, and go insert it in that computer port over there… you’d be doing me a big favor… I really need a break…

Guri: Oh, I don’t know if I-... I’m not really qualified to-

Shipward: Please, my vision is blurred… my heartbeats are out of sync… I’m completely parched. Just please!

Guri: Goodness, Shipward, I had no idea you were in such bad shape. But this is very awkward… I wouldn’t feel right….

Shipward: I’m dying here!

Guri: All right, all right. Calm down, I’ll do it…

Shipward: Thanks, Guri. I owe you one.

Yuri: What is going on here? What’s happening?

Shipweena: Where is my Trojan horse???

Shipward: (still whispering) She always misuses expressions like that when she tries to talk dirty… it’s getting to be a bit distracting

Guri: (in distance) Here we go, Shipweena, let’s just insert this here… it’s strictly platonic, I swear… OH!! Oh my!! Why… can’t I let go? What’s going on here??

Yuri: Guri? Are you okay? Shipward, what’s happening?

Shipward: This ship’s libido is quite strong and can be transmitted through any part of the ship and almost through the air even. Apparently she’s got Guri in her tractor beam now.

Guri: Why stop it!! No, you stop it!! I asked you first!! No, I did… no, I didn’t… okay, okay… you win… ow… ow… ow!!!

Yuri: Oh my… well I really don’t want to lose my second in command to a rapturous computer. Isn’t there anything we can do?

Shipward: Well, there’s a great clinic on Bacchus 9, in the Delphi region… it’s where all the intergalactic celebrities go… I suppose we could check her in there…

Yuri: I mean to save Guri!!

Shipward: Oh, Guri? Oh, he’ll be fine. He’s been wound up a bit tightly lately anyway. Perhaps this will do him some good.

Guri: singing You… could’ve been in pictures!!!

Yuri: Oh well… this is a bit awkward, but I suppose I could take this time while Guri is… indisposed…

Guri: (in distance): Oh… what is that for? Aiiiieeeeeee!!!!!

Yuri: Ahem… to welcome everyone to what is our 20th episode -- can you believe it? I can’t -- of Greetings Lurflings, the podcast that has everyone, including Gorgon Zola, quite aware of what we’re doing here on Lurf as we try to explore a little known corner of the universe and try to uncover the secret of our mission here-

Shipward: Yes, related to that, Captain, I meant to tell you, we got an embroidery from Meeporpian high command-

Yuri: Shipward, I’m in the middle of my introduction here… are you not aware of the podcast format by now?

Shipward: Oh, I’m sorry.

Yuri: Ok, well now my curiosity has been piqued, and now I need to know what the embroidery said.

Shipward: What... now? You’re in the middle of your introduction-

Yuri: I know that, you fool!! But now I’m pausing briefly, or now not so briefly, to find out what the message was from high command.

Shipward: Ok, if you’re asking, I’ll tell you. It says that you’ve been promoted to Almost Need to Know status. So that’s what made me remember, when you mentioned learning the purpose of your mission here on Lurf… it seems like you’re a bit closer now.

Yuri: Well, that’s just… not so helpful. Almost need to know status… who knows how many other of these secret statuses exist before we reach full-fledged Need to Know status?? There could be a Very Close Now to Need to Know Status… a So Close You Can Taste the Need to Know status…

Guri: Almost there… Almost therrrre…

Yuri: Yes, thank you, Guri. There could be an Almost There, Almost There status… there could be a Whoops We Accidentally Sent You a Confidential Message but You Still Don’t Need to Know status… until finally one day they just admit you to Well You Might As Well Know by Now status, and by then… well, it’s not even a privilege or an honor anymore!

Guri: For those about to rock!! We salute you!!!

Yuri: Well, thank you, Guri. I’m glad to see I command some respect around here anyway.

Shipward: I don’t think he was referring to- uh… nevermind.

Yuri: So as Guri was alluding to, fair listeners, I am the commander and host of this podcast, Captain Yurishi Left-for-dead. Very funny. I will hunt down and murder these writers someday. And this proud young chap, returning back to the bridge just now with a really dumb expression on all three of his faces, dumber than usual even, is Gurishi PantsonFire. Say hi, Guri.

Guri: Guhhhhhhh….

Yuri: Eloquent as always.

Guri: What a beautiful moon this Lurf has… so peaceful and round… and bright… all seems right…

Yuri: Yes, well, I see Shipweena has effectively lobotomized our second in command. No matter… that will hardly make a difference. And this walking ship’s computer from our previous ship but who still functions like our actual ship’s computer is Shipward Nonetheless.

Shipward: I’m going to need to work with my agent to get my “no introduction required” clause amended to “no introduction allowed.”

Yuri: Well, until that time, I am free to introduce you.

Shipward: There’s no such thing as a free lunch, Captain.

Yuri: Ah, well whoever said that has never been to Fanshooey on Tuesdays. The casinos there are famous for their free lunches… on Tuesdays.

Shipward: Well, sure, but who wants to go to Fanshooey on a Tuesday?

Yuri: Ah, but on Meeporp every other day is a Tuesday! And Fanshooey is famous for honoring the day labeling system of their visitors’ home planets so…

Shipward: Well, it’s always Tuesday somewhere I guess…

Yuri: You’re right, Shipward!! You’ve just cracked the code to a free lunch every day of the week on Fanshooey. You are becoming more useful than my second in command! You better watch your back, Guri.

Guri: What? Shipweena already washed my back.

Yuri: Oh, well then watch your front.

Guri: Go wash your own front… is what she told me… or am I confusing that memory with a scene from a Lurfian movie we watched on the way to this solar system?

Yuri: I have no idea what you’re talking about-

Shipward: National Lampoon’s Vacation. Beverly D’Angelo says that to Chevy Chase when they are still at their home before leaving on what becomes a cross country adventure full of hijinx-

Yuri: Yes, yes, that’s fine, and just great. But can we focus on further developing our plin to combat the mighty Gorgon Zola who is on his way to Lurf to murder us?

Guri: What? Murder? Oh, goodness… what happened? I was a bit out of it for a second there…

Shipward: She’s an enchantress, that Shipweena, but hopefully she is sated for the time being. I really owe you one, Guri.

Guri: What? Why? I still don’t know what happened…

Yuri: You were seduced and violated by our new ship’s computer. Now can we please just focus on saving our lives here??

Guri: Well… I don’t know how I feel about that!

Yuri: Here we go with the feelings again. Guri, if you’re feeling a need to process things please go make yourself useful and pour your heart out into our strongly held sentiment drive. With your soft-headed soft heartedness, you should be able to power a flight out of the grasp of The Runyan at least.

Guri: No, I’m fine, Captain. Not my first rodeo, as they say. Although truth be told, I’ve never been to a space rodeo, but I know it’s just an expression. Anyway, are you sure we want to leave The Runyan, Captain? He and his brother did seem to possess some useful information about Gorgon Zola’s weaknesses…

Yuri: These young hummus beans are a puzzle… seemingly so primitive and yet somehow knowledgeable of the worlds far outside of their reach. Perhaps we could shrink one of them using a black hole and take one along for future study.

Guri: Well, we’d have to track down Hank again if we wanted to use one of his black holes. He’s the only black hole salesman I’ve ever encountered… not sure about you…

Yuri: Right… that was a new one for me too. But I suspect these Lurfian mysteries will be revealed after we spend a bit more time here… but first we must survive our battle with the mighty Gorgon Zola. Guri, go try to wake up Manuel Override and make sure our soup cannons our primed and ready for action.

Guri: My eye, Captain! And no gazpacho this time, right? We want piping hot soup for the cheesy gangster.

Yuri: Yes, we’ll melt him into a puddle if we can! Shipward, do you think you could repurpose that silly synthesizer there into a mold blaster?

Shipward: Well… I was growing a bit attached to my new toy here…

more synth bleeps and bloops

Yuri: Maybe I should rephrase my question as a command -- turn your synth into a mold blaster, at once!

Shipward: Yes, Captain, although I still have a pile of spare parts here from the ship repairs… parts I’m sure we don’t need like these heat shields… this gyroscope-looking thing…

Yuri: I thought things felt a little less stable recently…

Shipward: That’s just your state of mind, Captain.

Yuri: What’s that blinking red light over there, Shipward?

Shipward: Oh… I’m not sure…

Yuri: With all your time studying the ship’s manual I thought you might know by now! Shipweena, are you there? Why’s that red light blinking?

Shipweena: (sultry) When the red light is on… the madam is in.

Yuri: Holy neutrinos, the two of you are useless!

Gorgon Zola: (over ship’s loudspeaker) Meeporpian scum!! Hath you no reply to my demands???

Guri: Sacre bleu!! Captain, it’s Gorgon Zola! On the holo-screen…

Yuri: Oh, where? Over there? Ah yes, let me tuck in my stomachs…

Gorgon Zola: Don’t bother, Captain, you can’t fix ugly!

Yuri: Why how dare you?! My high school class voted me most likely to succeed in radio!

Gorgon Zola laughs

Guri: Which turned out to be podcasts… so they weren’t too far off!

Yuri: (flustered) Well... and I was on universal broadcast just the other day, so…

Gorgon Zola: Yeah, I caught you on the Judgies, as the one completely unqualified judge, meaning the judge of the other judges, not the contestant judges. Yeah, the camera adds about six stomachs.

Yuri: All right, you Gorgon goon! Well yes, I do have a special reply prepared for you… and it will be hand-delivered by our intern, Timmy.

Timmy: (in distance) Whaaa-?

Yuri: Where are you, Zola, are you within the confines of Runyan’s room?

Gorgon Zola: You could look out your ship’s window and see that, couldn’t you?

Yuri: What?? Oh right… Guri… throw up the shades there…

Guri: Shades? I thought these were radiation shields. But okay… oh, yes, these windows are quite a nice feature I keep forgetting about. Look, there’s Gorgon Zola’s ship right there. Oh wow… it seems to be heavily armed.

Gorgon Zola: We have enough cosmic ray firepower to blast you into another dimension.

Guri: Which dimension would that be, if I might ask, Sir Zola? Because if it’s the Taylor Swift dimension, then this could be a win-win...

Yuri: Shut up, Guri!! Are the soup cannons primed?

Guri: They are… Manuel Override is standing at the ready, right, Manuel?

Manuel: Si, Senor.

Yuri: Shipward, how is that mold blaster coming?

Shipward: It’s almost ready, Captain. I just need some mold for ammunition.

Yuri: Hmmm, where would we find mold… you could check my gym locker…

Guri: Where’s a Spores Talk segment when you need it, am I right?

Yuri: That’s it, Guri! Shipward, check the logs, which you’re always rambling on about, and look up which spores would be found in a Lurfian child’s bedroom… possibly on a half-eaten sand-witch, I believe they are called, underneath the bed… or maybe some dandelion spores on the windowsill?

Shipward: Well, how would I retrieve those, Captain, do you want me to leave the ship?

Yuri: Yes, we’ll use Timmy delivering my reply to Gorgon Zola as a diversion while you go to retrieve the spores.

Gorgon Zola: I can hear everything you are saying, you fools! Not only because you left your holo-com on, but also because I’m tuning into your silly podcast.

Yuri: Curses!! How are we supposed to hatch a secret plin when we’re podcasting it to the universe??

Guri: It’s not your fault, Captain, it’s just this silly construct in which the writers have trapped us. They are our real enemy here. Should we survive this battle, I say we make it our mission to pay them a visit! It’s just a short trip, through the wall of fourth…

Yuri: I will take that under consideration, Guri. Now, Timmy, get out there with this embroidery, which I’ve tied up like an ancient scroll… rather nice looking, actually...

Gorgon Zola: I was going to say, why not use the embroidery machine to send me your message, but I admit… that’s a nice touch, Meeporpian. Nobody sends actual embroideries anymore.

Yuri: Well, when you care enough to send the very best… Timmy, get out there with this…

Timmy: But I… well okay…

Yuri: (whispering) Shipward… the backdoor… out you go…

Guri: This is a nice change, Captain… for once, you’re not sending me out into obvious harm’s way.

Yuri: Well don’t get comfortable. You’re next, Guri.

Timmy: (shakily) Okay, Captain, can you hear me?

Yuri: Yes, Timmy, where are you?

Timmy: I’m outside our ship, heading toward their ship… which looks very dangerous…

Yuri: Where? Oh, yes, I see you… ok, well hurry it up then… hold out the embroidery, and maybe they will tractor beam it on it…

Timmy: Oh, ok. Here you go, Sir Gorgon Zola… should I just-?

ZAPPP

Timmy: (scream cut short) AAAAAAaaa-!!

short silence

Yuri: Oh my comets!! What just happened??

Guri: He’s gone!! They blasted Timmy!

Gorgon Zola: That is what I think of your message to me!! It is too late for negotiations!! The price is now 100% of your mining operation, and your lives!!

Yuri: But didn’t you want to at least read our reply to you?? You’ve disintegrated the embroidery!!

Gorgon Zola: Ok, fine, I’m just the tiniest bit curious. What did it say?

Yuri: It was just three words… telling you to “Sit on it.”

Guri: Really, Captain?

Gorgon Zola: Open fire!!

ZAP ZAP ZAP

Guri: Aaahhh, Captain, we’re being hit by cosmic rays!

Yuri: Lower the shades and return fire!!

Guri: Has Shipward made it back yet?

Shipward: I’m right here… mold spores retrieved.

Yuri: Good work, Shipward. Let’s get that mold blaster ready for phase 2 of our plin.

Guri: Is this all part of your plin… I mean plan? Getting Timmy vaporized? Taking on Gorgon Zola in a direct firefight?? I don’t know how long our radiation shields will hold up!

Yuri: Well, we can gather ourselves a bit during this word from our sponsor…

Guri: What?? A commercial? Now?? We’re in the middle of a fight for our lives-!!

Yuri: That’s how this works, Guri… we’ve been over this before… it’s a cliffhanger or a cavedweller, or whatever the term is…

Shipward: A coathanger.

Yuri: Yes it’s a coathanger , right as we go to break, which ensures the audience will return afterward…

Guri: Well, I can’t say I get it… I mean… we’re taking a lot of fire… I hope we’ll still be here when the audience returns...

end of segment music

C.C.’s House of Saws, Ad #20210508

C.C.: Now I do want to hear about your day, I swear I do, but just hold that thought there, Sheila, as I do have to take this call… Uh yellow… uh-huh… oh Terry!! Is this Terry the Turtle?? Is it really you? You’re not just that mean old insurance adjuster from before pretending to be Terry, right? Because that would make me right steamed. Ok… well… let’s see if you can tell me something that only a turtle would know.

Sheila: Chicken wings or ribs tonight, honey, from the Shake-um, Steak-um?

C.C.: What’s that? Can’t you see I’m on the phone??

Sheila: I know, but I need to place our order now, if we’re gonna eat with Hilda and Hank.

C.C.: Oh fine, okay… just get some of both! Get the sampler platter! But make sure you get extra of those blue cheese cups that I love so much!! They use a special blue cheese over there at the Shake-um, Steak-um. I think it might be gorgonzola, even.

Sheila: Whatever you say, C.C.!

C.C.: And if you could try to keep it down when you order, I’m on the phone here.

Sheila: You got it. (louder) Hi, there, yes, I’d like to place an order!!!

C.C.: Cheese and crackers, you’ve only got one volume adjustment there, Sheila, from loud to louder. I’ll just step onto the veranda here. OK, now, Terry, you still there? Ok, so tell me, how many tee-vees do you have in that there shell of yours? pause Zero? Well, you’re right. It was a trick question as everyone knows you can’t fit a television inside a turtle shell. Ok, well, I’m glad it’s you, Terry, because that insurance adjuster they sent out here was a real stick in the mud and about as smart as one too. I mean I’d call him a moron if that wouldn’t be an insult to morons everywhere. And he smelled too. I don’t know how someone so smelly and stupid ended up working at your company- but… well, no need to get upset, Terry, it’s just one of your employees, I know you can’t keep track of every hire that’s made… well, I can see you’re taking it personally because you care so much. You care so much you’re swearing and you obviously don’t even know what you’re saying right now. And that’s why I like you and your company, Terry. Insurance isn’t just a business for you. It’s a passion. And that’s how I feel about my saws. Now about the dollar value of our losses here, you see- if someone asked you to put a price on one of your insurance policies… you really couldn’t do it, am I right? I mean what’s the value of piece of mind? Oh, you could? You do it every day? It’s called a monthly premium? Well sure, but what I’m trying to say here-

Sheila: C.C.!! Hank and Hilda will be here any minute, so put on some pants!! And maybe some underwear too!

C.C.: What’s that, Terry? No, I’m not naked from the waist down. I understand this is a video call. What do you mean don’t stand up? I’ve got to go get dressed… oh, now, what happened, why are you screaming? Did you drop something on your toe? I do that about once per week. Terry? Are you still there? Achh… these silly phones. Call must’ve dropped. I’ll call him back later.

Sheila: Get your butt into some britches, C.C.!

C.C.: I’d like to get into your britches…

Sheila: Oh now stop it! Our guests will be here any minute-

**Knock knock”

Hank: Uh, hello? Permission to come aboard…

C.C.: Where are my pants, Sheila? Oh here’s something… I’ll just throw this on…

Sheila: Hi, Hank… Hi, Hilda! Come on aboard here… make yourself comfortable here in the dining lounge…

Hank: Why are you wearing a skirt, there, C.C.?

C.C.: What? Oh I thought these britches felt a little breezy. Well let’s pretend it’s a kilt…

Hank: It’s a bit too form-fitting to be a kilt… I tell you what, you add some high heels to that ensemble and I might just have to leave Hilda here-

WHAPP

Hank: Ohowwwww!! Geez, Hilda, I was just making a joke… you know I’d never leave you. I’m holding onto you forever, you know that.

Hilda: Yeah, and I can feel that too with your third arm wrapped around my mid-section. Do you even know it’s doing that?

Hank: Oh uh… I’m sorry about that… it does have a mind of its own sometimes…

C.C.: Well, just release your lovely wife, Hank... does the third arm respond to commands? Release! There you go… and Hilda, why don’t you sit here…

Sheila: I’ll be right in with a cheese plate… and who wants wine from the box? We have red and white...

C.C.: Surprise us, Sheila!! Now, what are we going to do about that extra appendage, Hank? I see it’s coming in handy, no pun intended, with keeping Hilda close to you… but I think it’s scaring the customers… and not in a way that draws other customers in.

Hank: Well, yes… Hilda is a big fan, but I have noticed the stares from the customers and from just people in general, when I’m trying to hail a taxi or gaining an unfair advantage in an Easter egg hunt.

C.C.: Oh, that is unfair, Hank, and besides, aren’t Easter Egg hunts supposed to just be for kids?

Hank: Oh, not at the church I go to… we offer an adult Easter Egg hunt, and it’s such a big hit, actually, that we do it once per month all year round. We do it after dark, and clothing is optional, so it’s quite… exciting…

C.C.: Well apparently we go to the wrong church! Did you hear that Sheila??

Sheila: You spend enough time without your pants on, C.C.!!

C.C.: Ahh… but what does she know? Anyway, Hank, do you think there’s anyway to get back to those aliens who sent you back here and are responsible for that extra grabber there?

Hank: Well, from what I could tell it took some fancy programming to get the black hole to send me to a specific place… I don’t know who could do that for us here.

C.C.: I think one of the acting school interns is minoring in computer science… majoring in acting of course, but like someone with a supreme lack of confidence he’s taking programming classes to have something to fall back on… don’t make no sense to me, because I say the minute you take any iota of attention away from your true passion in life, it ceases to become your true passion. Take me for instance… if I were to take my eye off of my house of saws for even just 20 to 30 minutes… well… look what happened.

Hank: It burned down.

C.C.: That’s right!! Where was I going with this? Oh, right, the acting student… maybe he could program the black hole for you.

Hank: I don’t know… the thing is they are already on Earth… I just didn’t figure out where before they sent me here. They mentioned being in the room of The Runyan, I believe…

C.C.: Runyan? Isn’t that the name of Dennis’ nephew? Or was it Rustin?

Hank: Jeepers crow, I think you’re right, C.C.! Runyan is Dennis’ nephew… do you think they could have been talking about the same Runyan?

C.C.: Well, I don’t know how many other people in the world could be strange enough to name their child Runyan, so I think there’s a good chance he could be the very one. And didn’t we get him a spaceship?

Hank: Holy cowpie!! I’m starting to put two and two together.

Sheila: And when you do that, you get a tutu, which is what C.C.’s wearing right now. What did I miss?

C.C.: Ah, can it, Sheila! Hank and I were on the verge of a plot-advancing discovery here… Sheila: Oh, well excuse me, Mr. Fancy-no-pants! Maybe Hilda and I will just go have our wine on the veranda. We’ll let you two boys continue your plotting in peace.

C.C.: Thank you! Geez, women, am I right?

Hank: I’m not sure you can say that anymore, C.C. -- without risk of alienating more than half your audience.

C.C.: What? Well, I think more than half of the podcast audience is already alienated… as in, they are aliens. I do pride myself on knowing my audience.

Hank: Oh, well, ok. So you reckon we should go tell Dennis and head over to his nephew’s house? Maybe we can find these alien friends of ours there and they can fix this… although I have to say, it is keeping things interesting between me and Hilda.

C.C.: Well the sooner the better then. I mean… I’m sorry Hilda will miss it, but I’m thinking of the business… and the sooner we have you rid of that extra arm the sooner we can draw more customers to our temporary tent next to the location of our burned down tent.

Hank: Can we eat our dinner first at least?

C.C.: Well I suppose we will need some sustenance for the trip, and I do find it hard to pass up take out from Steakum Shakeum. But then we’ll be on our way.

Hank: Ok, get ready for the scene change or end of segment music…

C.C.: What? How do you know this segment is ending?

Hank: I read ahead in the script a bit… here it comes…

end of segment music Resume Episode 20 Sacre Bleu Guri: Oh, are we back? Well thank our lucky stars… we’re still alive.

Shipward: Perhaps not for long, though. Captain, our radiation shields are at 20% of their initial integrity and dropping fast.

Yuri: And what sort of damage are they sustaining? Our soup cannons must be weakening the Gorgon ship’s defenses as well, right?

Shipward: Not so much. Their heat shields are making our soup blasts rather ineffective. We might as well be firing cold gazpacho actually. Yuri: Yes, come to think of it, why is soup our ammunition of choice?? The gorgons have cosmic ray guns. Why I have a proton blaster at my side here, and yet, we choose to load our ship’s cannons with soup?

Guri: You’re right, Captain. It’s one bit of Meeporpian protocol that I’ve never thought to question before… but I think you’re onto something. Why, we could revolutionize the Meeporpian war fleet with just a simple change of munitions!! We’ll be heroes!!

Yuri: Well, first we have to live to tell someone about it! Guri, what’s our fuel status?

Guri: Well, the dribs and drabs from our FESbook mining operation have our primary fuel tanks at just 5 percent.

Yuri: That’s enough for some evasive maneuvers. Everyone strap in!

Shipward: I’m not sure we’ll be able to escape the Gorgon’s firing range or even Runyan’s room, Captain.

Yuri: We don’t need to leave the room. I have a plin.

Guri: It’s “plan”, Captain, “plan” with an “a”...

Yuri: This is no time for a spellcheck, Guri!!

Guri: I know, but it’s distracting… I’d like to focus on the plan but it’s hard to do so when you keep calling it a plin… but okay… I’ll put a plin in it.

Yuri: Thank you! Now, Shipward, when I give the command, let’s give the Gorgon ship a little juke move at half of hyperspeed, then jump to hyperspeed and dive to the left 60 degrees under that long dark piece of fabric over there.

Shipward: I’ve programmed those moves, Captain. Radiation shields at 10 percent. Soup cannon two is out of chowder.

Yuri: Cease fire… may as well save our soup. We might get hungry later.

Guri: I do like a good chowder… especially with a side of boat.

Yuri: Ready, Shipward… now!

ZOOM ZIP ZOOM

Guri: Whoa… it’s dark! We can’t see anything!

Yuri: Yes, but Gorgon Zola can’t see us either. We’re using this cloak device to buy us some time.

Guri: Oh, I get it… we dove under a cloak… and now he can’t see us? This is another genius invention, Yuri. I had no idea you were such a military tactician!! I mean our past battles gave no indication...

Shipward: While this maneuver did buy us some time, it did use half of our small amount of fuel. Our soup cannons are running low and they are ineffective against the Gorgon battlecraft. And our radiation shields are at 9 percent, giving us little protection should we come under fire again.

Yuri: Ok, but now tell me the good news.

Shipward: I didn’t say there was any good news, Captain.

Guri: Oh we’re gonna die!!! Captain, how are we going to get out of this one?

Yuri: We do still have the mold blaster up our sleeve. Or up Shipward’s sleeve, at the moment. But what I can’t figure out is how to get a clear shot at Gorgon Zola with it.

Guri: Wait! Something Shipweena said earlier… a trojan horse!! Perhaps we could make a peace offering to the Gorgon warlord… perhaps one of the Runyan’s toys lying about the room here, and then one of us -- I volunteer Shipward, since he already has the mold blaster -- could hide inside it, get taken inside the Gorgon ship, and then later he jumps out and blasts the old pile of cheese in the gut with a mold blast!

Yuri: I like this plin, Guri!! Or plun… whatever you call it.

Guri: But then again, we saw what he did to our poor intern, Timmy, when you were having him deliver your embroidered reply. There’s a chance he will just blast our offering out of existence.

Yuri: Gorgons are known for their greed… if the gift is something appealing enough I’m sure they will accept it. Now what toys were nearby before we dove under this cloak?

Shipward: Scanning my memory files now, Captain… there was something called a matchbox car nearby, one of the primitive local forms of transportation. Looks like this model is an Oldsmobile Eighty-eight, with the number 88 on the side as well…

Guri: Didn’t our friend Hank tell us he used to have an Oldsmobile Eighty-eight? That must be a highly desirable model, Captain! That could be the perfect trojan horse!

Yuri: Yes, well hopefully the appeal of this Oldsmobile Eighty-eight is universal. Guri, Shipward may be too big to fit inside it… plus I need him here in the absence of a real ship computer. So I want you to suit up and go seize control of the Oldsmobile.

Guri: What? Oh, I knew it… I knew this would end with me being thrown to the space wolves… but what else is new? Just another day in the Meeporpian royal navy...

Yuri: Get out there and keep in contact!

Shipward: Here… take this piece of wire…

Guri: Is that one of our coathangers?

Shipward: Yes, you might need it to slide between the window and the door and unlock the car door.

Guri: We’re headed for another coathanger ending, I see. OK… well… nice knowing all of you.

Runyan’s Mom: (in distance) Now go get your sweatshirt, Runty! And hurry up, we’re late!

Runyan: Awww maa!!! I don’t want to go!!... and where is my sweatshirt?

Yuri: Uh-oh… this might be bad.

Shipward: Yes, I’m thinking the sweatshirt is what we are currently using as our cloaking device.

Runyan: Oh, here it is!!

Yuri: Aaaghhh, the light!!

Runyan: Oh, there you are, Glooby!! Did you miss me?

Shipward: Activating the loudspeakers, Captain. Get him to take us with him!

Yuri: Ah yes, good thinking, Shipward, a true escape plan! Hello, Runyan!! Can you hear me?

Runyan: Hi, Glooby, what were you doing under my sweatshirt?? You supposed to be fighting Gorgon Zola!! He’s over here… I’ll put you right in front so you can blast him!!

Yuri: Oh, don’t do that, Runyan!! Don’t you leave us here, you must take us with you!! You must!!

Runyan: Now don’t die!! I’ll be back after ice cream!! Yummy in my tummy!!

Yuri: Runyan, don’t leave us here!! We are shitting ducks!!

Shipward: Captain… watch your language… he’s a young child.

Yuri: Oh… I thought that’s what Guri said the expression was… a few episodes ago… remember… the bad Sean Connery impression?

Gorgon Zola: Aha!!! You thought you could escape me!! Well you did… briefly… but then I just tuned into the podcast and I heard all about your silly Trojan Horse plan!!

Yuri: You did? Oh dear me-

Guri: Captain, come in… I’m having a little bit of trouble with the coathanger here… the car door is not opening. Also, I can barely reach the bottom of the door anyway… we forgot about scale when coming up with this plan… or perhaps the writers forgot…

Yuri: Abort the plum, Guri. Gorgon Zola knows all about it. We may indeed be done for…

Guri: What? I was hoping for a coathanger ending at least… some slim chance or bit of hope… oh, lookee here, this car doesn’t have any windows… I could just climb up and slide through the opening Dukes of Hazard-style...

THEEND: Did somebody say cookie here?

Guri: Oh, THEEND… oh thank goodness!! You’re just in time!! No, I said “lookie here” before… not “cookie here”...

THEEND: Oh, well, that’s okay. I still happy to see my friends.

Guri: And we are happy to see you!

Yuri: Yes, our listeners will have to tune in next time to see what comes of our battle with Gorgon Zola-

GZ:** But wait… no fair… do you mean to tell me we have to wait until the next episode for me to kill you?

Yuri: Yes, you Gorgon gangster, that’s how this works.

GZ: But what’s to stop me from just firing my cosmic ray cannons right now?

Yuri: The writers!! They have our backs on this, right… writers? Yes, see there aren’t many words left on the page…

GZ: But I am not part of your silly podcast!! I don’t listen to your writers!! I am mighty Gorgon Zola!!

Yuri: Oh but you walked right into our little podcast trap, didn’t you?? Guri: Brilliant, Captain!!

Yuri: Yes, well… brilliant as long as the writers want to keep us alive.

Guri: Perhaps we should send them gift baskets. Ingredients for rotted goat a la mar perhaps?

GZ: This is an outrage! I should just blast you now!

Yuri: Ah, you have the mighty THEEND to contend with now instead though.

Guri: Yeah, go get ‘im, THEEND! Look, doesn’t the Gorgon ship look like a big cookie?

THEEND: Did somebody say “Cookie”??? Oh, it does look delicious… Mmmmfff, Rummfff, Mummffff…

GZ: AAAaaahhhhhhhh!!! Get it off!! Get it off!!

Guri: Whew… that was a close one… but we should really use this time in between episodes to come up with a real plan.

Yuri: What’s a plan?

ad lib to end